Just waiting around for something random to happen...

[Musicisbest93]

I just want to vent right now.  I'm a 32 yo male, I live on my own and consider myself pretty introverted. Lately I've just been minding my own business, acting nonchalant and just waiting around for serendipity to intervene, because apparently you have to "stop looking" in order to find a partner. Every day, every month, every year is pretty much me keeping to myself and whatnot and just suppressing my interest in people, head down, doing things that interest me on autopilot. Basically just having a whatever attitude and just come to accept it. Im on Hinge but no luck so far. These days i've just been focused on my hobbies and career but even trying not to think about dating/romance just makes me feel worse. How can one just simply forget about dating and "stop looking"? That'd be easier said than done. That's like giving up alcohol the rest of your life. As if you have to train your brain to not want love/sex. Well, No Nut November is coming soon, maybe I'll try that challenge. I even tried the nofap challenge but ended up failing. Plenty of famous people never married or dated. Lewis Carroll never dated and neither did Isaac Newton. "when you least expect it" I absolutely HATE hearing that. As if it means "its random chance". Hey I don't mind being like this 5 years from now. Maybe I'll shave my head and look like Edward Norton in American History X lol. Is 2026 going to be different? will something random happen then? Or is someone going to end up like something from Schindler's List? specifically, the sniper scene. These last 3 years Ive felt pretty much like a monk. And especially these stories I hear like "we were friends for months before we started dating" "I gave up the apps and I met him/her". Again RANDOM! If I have to say "random" one more time I will go insane. But fine by me, if 2026 is just like now thats fine, I accept it. Watch Joker and you'll understand what I'm talking about. He was always a loner and came to terms with it. 

 

"just be yourself and everything else will follow"

"just let things happen naturally"

yeah, sure. WHATEVER!!!! Your mother's box. The End. 

[basil67]

I think that "stop looking" is bad advice when taken so literally.    I mean, when I met my husband, I wasn't actively "looking" and neither was he, but we met at a party and sparks flew.  But had we not been social that day, we would never have met.  You will certainly fail if you suppress your interest in people because you'll never be in situations where you meet anyone. 

When you say you've had no luck on Hinge, what's going on?  Is it that no women expressing interest in you?  Or that you don't like the ones who are?    If no women are expressing interest, then perhaps you need a makeover or to change your photos

 

 

 

[Sanch62]

2 hours ago, Musicisbest93 said:

Every day, every month, every year is pretty much me keeping to myself and whatnot and just suppressing my interest in people, head down, doing things that interest me on autopilot.

This isn't just not looking, it's hiding from people. So who can 'randomly' meet you when you keep to yourself?

Also, why would you follow advice that you hate and don't even believe?

[Musicisbest93]

It still feels like i have to act nonchalant and mind my own business in order for things to "find me". 

[Musicisbest93]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I think that "stop looking" is bad advice when taken so literally.    I mean, when I met my husband, I wasn't actively "looking" and neither was he, but we met at a party and sparks flew.  But had we not been social that day, we would never have met.  You will certainly fail if you suppress your interest in people because you'll never be in situations where you meet anyone. 

When you say you've had no luck on Hinge, what's going on?  Is it that no women expressing interest in you?  Or that you don't like the ones who are?    If no women are expressing interest, then perhaps you need a makeover or to change your photos

 

 

 

"But had we not been social that day". Yeah say youre not that much of a talkative person, are you "being yourself?" Is that going to make something random, out of the blue happen?

 

Also, I did tweak my Hinge profile a bit recently and I like the way it looks now, so I dont think that has anything to do with it

Edited Wednesday at 11:10 PM by Musicisbest93

[Musicisbest93]

27 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

This isn't just not looking, it's hiding from people. So who can 'randomly' meet you when you keep to yourself?

Also, why would you follow advice that you hate and don't even believe?

Aubrey Plaza just has to "be herself" and then something randomly finds her 

[FredEire]

Well it's a lot like trying to relax. The more you try relax and not be tense, the less you will relax and the more tense you will be. Relaxation only happens when you truly stop trying.

But also the other posters in this thread are right, staying at home like Colonel Kurtz you are not going to meet anyone. Having a full life and being a responsible man trying to achieve your goals and going out and doing loads of stuff involving other people is attractive, being a basement gooner isn't

Edited Thursday at 01:20 AM by FredEire

[Musicisbest93]

6 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Well it's a lot like trying to relax. The more you try relax and not be tense, the less you will relax and the more tense you will be. Relaxation only happens when you truly stop trying.

But also the other posters in this thread are right, staying at home like Colonel Kurtz you are not going to meet anyone. Having a full life and being a responsible man trying to achieve your goals and going out and doing loads of stuff involving other people is attractive, being a basement gooner isn't

Then how the hell does "random chance" or "probability" come into play. Im trying not to be that much of a homebody 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Musicisbest93 said:

It still feels like i have to act nonchalant and mind my own business in order for things to "find me". 

Yes, but that’s just the thing, you are not acting nonchalant.

You’re clearly frustrated, probably angry, and your messages have bitter, pessimistic undertones.

When people tell you to act nonchalant they mean just the opposite of that, to be chill and positive.

One important thing, you can’t act like that, you’ll have to be like that.

No matter how well you act, women will see through that and feel the bitterness and the disappointment that you’re truly feeling. And that, of course, is exactly what turns them off.

So what you need to do is to stop thinking the way you do, which will lead you to stop feeling the way you do.

How to do that? Well, that’s the hard part. To me personally, when I went through a similar process, it was about entitlement versus humility. I discovered that I’d believed that I deserved to be with someone, that being single was something shameful, something beneath my dignity.

Then, at some point, I came to realize that I actually wasn’t that great a catch and that there were plenty of reasons for women to break up with me. Following that revelation, I began to see loneliness as the fundamental state of a human being, and being in a love relationship as a great bonus, an undeserved blessing.

 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Musicisbest93 said:

Yeah say youre not that much of a talkative person, are you "being yourself?"

If “being yourself” really means not meeting people at all and not talking to people at all, then of course you can’t be yourself, you should change.

A minimum of social interaction is needed to initiate a romance. You can’t just sulk at home on the sofa, hoping for the woman of your dreams to descend from heaven straight into your living room.

That’s not “being yourself”, that’s just being silly and ruining your chances to find someone.

[FredEire]

9 minutes ago, Musicisbest93 said:

Then how the hell does "random chance" or "probability" come into play. Im trying not to be that much of a homebody 

People disagree on this but I believe in manifestation to a degree.

I used to have a friend who was really magnetic, he had his demons but he got along with everyone. One night we were walking along a beach in Spain and he said "damn I really need a cigarette, someone is going to give me one". Ten minutes later a drunk guy passes us and without speaking opens up a pack of Marlboro Red, hands one to him and lights it for him. He just looked and me smiled and said "see?" It sounds fake but I experienced it myself.

Things tend to arrange themselves in the way you expect them to. If you expect that to be profoundly negative thats probably what youre going to get. Its hard but it sounds like you have to work on shifting that.

[Musicisbest93]

27 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

If “being yourself” really means not meeting people at all and not talking to people at all, then of course you can’t be yourself, you should change.

A minimum of social interaction is needed to initiate a romance. You can’t just sulk at home on the sofa, hoping for the woman of your dreams to descend from heaven straight into your living room.

That’s not “being yourself”, that’s just being silly and ruining your chances to find someone.

How come Kristen Stewart is able to "be herself" by acting awkward/anxious in almost every interview she's in? How does that make people flock toward her?

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Musicisbest93 said:

How come Kristen Stewart is able to "be herself" by acting awkward/anxious in almost every interview she's in? How does that make people flock toward her?

I think the answer is obvious: she is a talented actress. Talent, especially of the artistic kind, is very attractive. She also looks good, which is another plus. Why would anybody measure her attractiveness level by her behavior during interviews?

Also, lots of people can get anxious and awkward in certain situations, that doesn’t mean they are generally anxious and awkward. For all we know, she is confident and charming in real life.

 

 

[Musicisbest93]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I think the answer is obvious: she is a talented actress. Talent, especially of the artistic kind, is very attractive. She also looks good, which is another plus. Why would anybody measure her attractiveness level by her behavior during interviews?

Also, lots of people can get anxious and awkward in certain situations, that doesn’t mean they are generally anxious and awkward. For all we know, she is confident and charming in real life.

 

 

Shes an introvert you know. I know I use "introvert" as an excuse but I am an introvert. I took the personality test 

[Sanch62]

20 hours ago, Musicisbest93 said:

Aubrey Plaza just has to "be herself" and then something randomly finds her 

She shows up. How many movies have you done?

17 hours ago, Musicisbest93 said:

How come Kristen Stewart is able to "be herself" by acting awkward/anxious in almost every interview she's in? How does that make people flock toward her?

She shows up. How many interviews have you done?

[Musicisbest93]

14 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

She shows up. How many movies have you done?

She shows up. How many interviews have you done?

None. 

[Sanch62]

11 minutes ago, Musicisbest93 said:

None. 

What have you been showing up to do?

[Musicisbest93]

6 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

What have you been showing up to do?

To just stand around and exist. Hence "be yourself". Morrissey's my spirit animal