luvtoto Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 I think you should have spent more time getting to know 'Kevin'. I mean...hey, let's give the guy a name here instead of 'postal man'. If it turns out that he's not the one for you, all you can do is be honest with him if you decide it's not worth pursuing, even as a friendship. Tell him that you have different values, and it doesn't mean he is flawed, it just means you are both different, and not compatible in ways you would like to be. This would be a much better approach than avoiding his phone calls or cancelling formal dates with him at the last minute. Just my opinion.
loony Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 I don't think she's discounting all people who aren't in her social bracket, just that her experience has taught her that the majority of lower income people are unable or unwilling to share the same mental stimulations as Fun wants. (Am I anywhere close on this Fun? Or totally off base?) That's what I think, too. I have heard more people without degree saying that students are lazy and just trying to avoid working than hearing people with a degree talk down the importance of education. By the way, I somewhat doubt that sex is part of the first level needs. You can survive without sex forever if you want to and it also has nothing to do with the immediate personal survival but is a mechanisms that nature develop so that humans procreate.
Author Fun2BMe Posted January 24, 2006 Author Posted January 24, 2006 A lot of things have been raised, I don't have the time right now to really respond to them at this moment, but I think the education experience is something I'm sensitive about. I busted my butt putting myself through school and when I'm around groups who haven't done the same, I hear them say it's a waste of money, that they got a headstart going into the workforce and don't have any student debt and it makes me so angry because they don't get the benefits of an education. It's not only for qualifying for a job, but it does so much more. My sister didn't go to college, she owns and runs a VERY lucrative business and doesn't appreciate that I went to school for all those years. My parents didn't go to college and they are more successful than I might ever become. I still like them, but when it comes to DATING and having just a few important things to you that you want in another person, why is it a big deal lif that's one of them? I am willing to give others a try. I think I am now going through a transitional phase and realizing that I have automatically excluded a large pool of society, so that is one thing among many that I am finally opening up to. As far as students avoiding work and being lazy...my family thought I should get married or start work, they too thought school was a waste of time therefore did not support me one bit while I was away in a costly town with huge tuition bills. I would go for long periods of barely getting by sometimes not eating and passing out, getting kicked out from rooms because I couldn't pay rent sometimes with financial aid and loans and the small wage not making ends meet. And on top of that worry, the stress of getting all my schoolwork done. If someone is at a top university (or actually even if it's not a top one I would think), there is little room for laziness. If they are so well off at the time to be able to get by being lazy, they would not need to work outside of school maybe anyways, but that's one of the stereotypes that bothers me so much, and deep down a large portion of the population who hasn't gone through the college experience thinks this, which is why it is easier to be with someone who has gone through a smiliar experience, they can relate more. Some people look for people in their same profession to be with, others have other "types" or requirements, I guess mine ends up excluding a lot of people so it hits a nerve with many. Maybe I AM all wrong about it, but from my experience, relationships have not worked out because of this and it takes more discipline and foresight to avoid such a situation. Maybe it would be more fitting to be friends, but not date with such people. (I would guess it is similar for cases where people marry within their religion...right? You could argue day and night that someone of a different religion could broaden your views and experiences, you could learn different traditions, but I know there are people out there that wouldn't go outside their religion) I think you should have spent more time getting to know 'Kevin'. I mean...hey, let's give the guy a name here instead of 'postal man'. If it turns out that he's not the one for you, all you can do is be honest with him if you decide it's not worth pursuing, even as a friendship. Tell him that you have different values, and it doesn't mean he is flawed, it just means you are both different, and not compatible in ways you would like to be. This would be a much better approach than avoiding his phone calls or cancelling formal dates with him at the last minute. Just my opinion. NOW you're making sense toto...I think this has been valuable time for me to second think and be comfortable with going out shoud I finally do so, with "Kevin" (this is funny because that's his real name). I think it will be a grown-up thing if I do tell him that it is the fact of our backgrounds that has been keeping me away. He deserves to know if I do end up seeing him because what if HE doesn't want to be with someone who has a problem with that? I would completely respect that, but he should understand I am going through a process of opening my horizons. Mayabe we could both be patient with each other. I just need a little more time to think and be ok with the decision. As you can see, I really don't jump into anything without thinking ad nauseum! If not with him, then someone else I might find of interest down the road.
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 24, 2006 Posted January 24, 2006 ...with "Kevin" (this is funny because that's his real name). Dude, I think I'm psychic! As soon as I read toto's post, I said to myself, "Wouldn't it be weird if that were his real name?" And lo and behold! Scary...
luvtoto Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 I am very impressed with your post, Fun2. Sorry, I got so annoyed. I think you made a major breakthrough today!! I am starting to date a guy that I usually am not attracted to. I am trying to banish any preconceived notions about what kind of guy he is. He's surprising me everyday with things he does. I would've missed that chance of getting to know him better. We've had three lunch dates and we are no where near the 'dating' aspect of our relationship....we are just getting to know each other right now. I can't believe that I guessed his name!!! WEEEIIRRDD!!!!!! I was first gonna guess John, but then Kevin just popped in my head. I've always favored that name in a guy...not sure why. So, do I win a prize? :bunny: 1
Walk Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 By the way, I somewhat doubt that sex is part of the first level needs. You can survive without sex forever if you want to and it also has nothing to do with the immediate personal survival but is a mechanisms that nature develop so that humans procreate. I just wanted to state i didn't write what went on that list. (sex) Must've been a man who wrote that. I didn't actually read all the way through what was under those. Just read the first few of each. Sorry if I offended anyone with that. I'll try to read over stuff better next time.
Author Fun2BMe Posted January 25, 2006 Author Posted January 25, 2006 I can't believe that I guessed his name!!! WEEEIIRRDD!!!!!! I was first gonna guess John, but then Kevin just popped in my head. I've always favored that name in a guy...not sure why. So, do I win a prize? :bunny: I hope both of us have some good luck in the dating scene! I know I feel better, I can tell I am growing. That is too crazy and weird about the name! I mean Kevin isn't THAT common to use, and it's one of my fav names!!!!!!!!!!!!! (what if he is reading this thread, that would be crazier!!!!!!! )
dgiirl Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 Fun, I'm impressed with your last post. I think you are starting to get it. Looking for a guy with similar backgrounds is completely fine. You need to be able to relate on some levels and if you dont share the same values and beliefs, it'll put a bigger strain on the relationship. I think you're just confused on how to describe the qualities you are looking for. You're not looking for someone with money and high education. You are looking for someone who is hard working and smart, who shares the same interests as you. Focusing on the money and high education are shallow qualities and does not guarantee that the person is hard working and smart. In fact, the people who flaunt their money are usually not hard working nor smart. They waste their money trying to keep up an image. Kevin was a good illustration. Yes he had a "blue" collar job, but you based him only on his job and didnt get to know his outside interests. For all you know, he could have been some totally rich dude who got a postal worker job so he can relax and have fun and get to know different types of people. What's the ultimate goal for working so hard? To be able to relax and enjoy life with no worries. This still doesnt address your anxiety around people and I still think you need some help with that. Being afraid to pick up the phone, expecting guys to jump through hoops to call, cancelling last minute. You are looking for someone who will show you affection and someone you can count on to be there for you. However, again you are mixed up with the actions to the qualities you are looking for. You are looking at shallow qualities when you really want something else. You are assuming someone who will constantly call you, will show you affection, but he might be just some pscyho dude who's desperate and will stalk you. I think a therapist can help you figure out what you WANT and what actions will help you get what you want. What do you have to lose by going to one therapy session?
JayKay Posted January 25, 2006 Posted January 25, 2006 I knew a college professor and published author who worked a weekend gig as a bartender. He didn't need the money, obviously. His bartending tips went to his 'golf' fund. He just enjoyed the rowdy crowd and meeting other types of people. We always joked he as doing research...
luvtoto Posted January 26, 2006 Posted January 26, 2006 Beings we are sharing stories... I know an older lady that was a stay at home mom till her kids moved out of the house. While suffering from emptynest syndrome, she said that it was either have an affair or go to college. lol. Luckily, she went to college and got her masters in psychology, and is now a therapist.
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