BlahBlahQueen Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 Your problem is that your behavior attracts weird people. Normal guys would not chase you with phone calls. It's the wackos with serious issues or an agenda who do. Normal people who respect themselves would feel repelled by your behavior and stop contacting you, there is no need to run after anybody no matter how good looking or great they are. It's deluding to assume that anybody should chase you and would do it without ulterior motives. I'm gonna go out on a limb and expand on that. OK, so you give guys your number and then expect them to call you a bunch of times before you answer the phone. Make them chase you a little, to make sure they're really really interested. But you see... at that point, all they know about you is your looks and maybe two lines you've spoken to them. What exactly are they chasing here? Given that they don't know you well enough to have anything else they could be interested in, they would obviously be chasing you only for your looks and/or the car they saw you driving. If they did keep pursuing you, rest assured it's not for any deep, meaningful reason; they don't know you well enough for there to be any. So right off the bat you are setting yourself up for a situation of damned if you do, damned if you don't. They guys who are calling you back are immediately necessarily shallow users, and the ones who are not shallow get bored because you are giving them nothing to go on, and they stop calling. This is why you have such a bad dating history.
JayKay Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 With regards to needing someone to 'call you constantly' in order to spark interest... I agree with another poster here who said that healthy men don't do this. I've dated a lot in my life and the ones who pursued me rabidly, like dogs in heat, were invariably very disturbed, needy people. I mean think about it, why would ANYONE slaver over someone they barely know and try to bang their door down? Only emotionally young people do this....or emotionally stunted people do this. Healthy people respect boundaries and expect a fair amount of give-and-take in relationships before proceeding further. I think any man who doesn't have his phone calls returned after several tries will usually (and rightfully) head for more promising pastures.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 Hostile and mean spirited??? You know deep down inside that something is seriously wrong with you- in your darkest moments- when you're wide awake and staring at the clock at night, when you lose friendships and can't keep them or the people barely tolerate you, and when you have relationships that break down because you expect the people to keep you forever on a pedestal. I actually take pity on you because you really do think the world revolves around you. You talk about all this trying to change you're doing?? What exactly are you doing?? You stated yourself that you bought the books that were suggested to you and that you quit reading them. You haven't made a therapy appt. Your constant need for attention such as being called all the time is a classic symptom of your illness. I'm not taking my hostility out on you sweetheart, if I were you would surely would have said more.
Author Fun2BMe Posted January 20, 2006 Author Posted January 20, 2006 You know deep down inside that something is seriously wrong with you- in your darkest moments- when you're wide awake and staring at the clock at night, when you lose friendships and can't keep them or the people barely tolerate you WTF? Are you sure that post was intended for me? Not sure what you're talking about... I thought ok, maybe Mz. Pixie does care or else she wouldn't keep reading/posting, but then it sounds like you're all negative and adding stuff to paint this picture of me that's not me! (confused about your intentions).
Author Fun2BMe Posted January 21, 2006 Author Posted January 21, 2006 blahblah and jaykay, that makes sense about a self respecting person not continuously calling. I guess I'm looking for someone to cater to my needs, and that does include to my insecurities (I don't know any woman who doesn't have any insecurities unless they're conceited and think they're perfect). I never know if someone is interested in me or my looks, after getting hurt a lot I want to find a way to make someone prove that they're interested in me for me, and I've come up with the constant calling thing. I did tell this guy that part of the reason I didn't answer the phone was because he was blocking his number, which is true, so now he calls with unblocked number. Now that I know he's interested, I am beginning to doubt if he is the right one. He called last night, but I was at a dinner with friends and it would have been inappropriate for me to have answered my cell phone and talked to him in front of others when I am still in the getting to know you phase. It was too late to call back when I got home. The weird thing is..he called at 11:30am today. I didn't answer this time because I was in the middle of work at the office, I thought maybe he'd leave a message asking to meet for lunch, which would be a nice ice breaker instead of all these extravagant plans laid out for tomorrow night - dinner, movies, listening to him play in his band, meeting his friends - really seems overwhelming for me on a first date. Instead he left a message for me to call him back. He sounded a little disappointed in his voice in the message last night, but very upbeat this morning. I think you guys might be right that a self-respecting person wouldn't keep calling, even though it makes me feel more secure about his interests. The other guy I was so into would hardly call and if I didn't return his calls, I was crying and pulling my hair why he wasn't, but maybe it is because he has too much respect for himself. Wow, I am all confused now. I have to think things through...answer/return calls or I miss out on guys WORTH dating....
Chimerical Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 What I loved was the part where she said she just "wasn't in the mood" to read those self help books. Must be great to be filthy rich! Dang.. Buy a ton of books you're never going to read. Ha. Might as well toss them in the trash. Or did you already? you're all negative and adding stuff to paint this picture of me that's not me! (confused about your intentions). It's not easy for a grown woman to change overnight and at least I'm trying to. And the only reason I don't answer the phone is not only for him to show interest by calling again, but I have serious issues and anxiety associated with it that I know I need help with. As a result, I might miss out on getting to know someone I am interested in, but I am not as healthy in the head as all of you are. "I'm screwed up".... "I'm perfectly normal"...."I have many problems"...."I have no problems".... Can you at least pick one side of the fence to stick to? It's really killing me to read how you admit you've got problems, and then the next second you don't, and the next you're placating another responder with how you know you have problems.... This is all a ploy to keep people posting. "Look at me...I admit I have problems and I'm working on fixing them. One time, I bought this book... and I kinda cracked the cover... but it bored me... so I just looked at myself in the mirror the rest of the night." Girl... pick a side. Any side. Just pick a dang side!! You either are, or you aren't. Stop dicking the rest of the posters around.
Author Fun2BMe Posted January 21, 2006 Author Posted January 21, 2006 Girl... pick a side. Any side. Just pick a dang side!! Just because I have problems doesn't mean that when I meet a man and am having issues with them, that it is automatically my fault and associated with my problems, and they are perfect. The situation in question, it could have nothing to do with me, in fact my problematic ways of dealing with people is making his intentions towards me come to the surface. So we all pick what side of the fence we're on? Either problem free i.e a superhuman perfect person like you, or so problematic that we have to avoid the rest of the world and work on becoming perfect before we attempt to date and make any mistakes? That's the advice I've been getting from your camp, whereas others are saying to take the risks I wouldn't have before, I might learn and grow from them which is exactly what is happening. I might have problems associated with having a high self-worth, but there are equally damaging problems associated with those who have very low self-worth. We are not perfect, at least I am beginning to acknowledge my problems which is a big step in itself. I think YOU are the one on a pedestal looking down at those who are not as good as you, you and some others attacking me. I'm not used to anyone talking to me the way some of you posters have, with so much disrespect and with a 'you-re so messed up not normal like me, don't associate with others until you have years of therapy" tone.
Chimerical Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 Hey... I know I'm f***ed up. I already picked a side. I get frustrated when it seems like you'll readily admit you may have problems and two seconds later say it's either too hard to fix, your not in the mood, or you flat out don't have a problem. I'm not saying you need therapy and should never enter the gene pool. That wasn't me. I went to a therapist once and all I got was a "sorry, I have no idea how to help you." So when I see f***ed up, I tend to take their side more often then not.... but not if the persons idea of "working" on their problems consists of ordering books you'll never read, or tossing aside every suggestion that might take an ounce of effort on your part.
gfto Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 I'm curious....how interested are you in this postal worker? Put a number on it from 1 to 10, 10 being extremely interested.
Author Fun2BMe Posted January 21, 2006 Author Posted January 21, 2006 but not if the persons idea of "working" on their problems consists of ordering books you'll never read, or tossing aside every suggestion that might take an ounce of effort on your part. If there was no effort on my part, I wouldn't have ordered the books and I wouldn't be taking seriously all the feedback I am getting and applying some of them to my life. I didn't toss the books aside, I said I was eagerly reading them and they were helpful, but as time went on I lost the drive, it was all too overwhelming and I clearly stated that I wanted to get into that initial mode I was in. Some of us have to make more of an effort, the changes don't come naturally and the steps needed aren't as easy for all of us. But you just love putting me down and discrediting all of my attempts and efforts. If that makes you feel so much better about yourself, keep at it - it's sure not making me feel better or being useful feedback other than weighing me down which seems like what your intentions with your comments are meant to do. "it's been a few weeks and you're not a changed, whole new person yet?" Maybe you should be a miracle healer if you think you have the power or answer to change someone so fast, after they are 37 years old and just finding out that they are not all that perfect.
Author Fun2BMe Posted January 21, 2006 Author Posted January 21, 2006 I'm curious....how interested are you in this postal worker? Put a number on it from 1 to 10, 10 being extremely interested. I would say 7.5
AverageJoe Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 We are not perfect, at least I am beginning to acknowledge my problems which is a big step in itself. Aknowledgment and actions are to different things. There are those that take action, and those who dont. Which one are you?
Outcast Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 He called last night, but I was at a dinner with friends and it would have been inappropriate for me to have answered my cell phone and talked to him in front of others when I am still in the getting to know you phase. It was too late to call back when I got home. The weird thing is..he called at 11:30am today. I didn't answer this time because I was in the middle of work at the office, I thought maybe he'd leave a message asking to meet for lunch, which would be a nice ice breaker instead of all these extravagant plans laid out for tomorrow night - dinner, movies, listening to him play in his band, meeting his friends - really seems overwhelming for me on a first date. Instead he left a message for me to call him back. He sounded a little disappointed in his voice in the message last night, but very upbeat this morning. Fun, pay attention here. You are lacking in the simplest of social graces. He called last night. You didn't return the call at all. So he called you again today. Now, had he actually asked you to meet him for lunch at 1130, you'd be on here ranting about how inconsiderate he was for calling you at the last moment. You have in your brain a whole script for how the guy in your life 'should' act; exactly what day and time he 'should' call and what kind of date he 'should' ask you for etc etc etc. This is dysfunctionally controlling. Have you any conception that the people you are dealing with have their own minds and lives and wishes and desires and that if you want a relationship with ANYONE, you need to drop your pre-prepared scripts for every single thing that person 'should' do to please you? I thought not. This is why you need help - because you are failing to understand what you don't understand about how humans relate to one another.
JayKay Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 Hello Fun Well, I am going to give you some credit. You took a beating in some of these posts and you're still sticking around and addressing what's been said to you. I guess despite your insecurities, you must have a fairly high tolerance for criticism after all (and perhaps that's why you thrive in a pressure cooker environment at work....I assume it is one) I admit, I found your initial posts disheartening. I thought they painted a picture of the WORST type of female stereotype; shallow, judgemental, a person who plays head-games. But you seem to really want genuine insight as to what has gone wrong with your relationships in the past. I have come to respect you much more. With regards to the mailman, I would just give him a shot on a couple of dates and see if you like him. He's called a few times and obviously likes you. But if he's a normal, healthy guy he's going to stop calling very soon if you don't return his calls.
Author Fun2BMe Posted January 21, 2006 Author Posted January 21, 2006 I guess despite your insecurities, you must have a fairly high tolerance for criticism after all (and perhaps that's why you thrive in a pressure cooker environment at work....I assume it is one) You assume right. My work is a very high pressure environment and job that stresses me to no end, so that's a good observation why I might have a high tolerance point. I've gone through a lot in life. I want to start changing, so I will take all the criticism seriously and work on myself before I date anyone worth dating. Despite how much I was looking forward to the date tonight, I called the P. Worker and canceled a few minutes ago. He got very upset, said he had made reservations, that I should have told him from the beginning if I wasn't interested to go out with him, but I told him I WAS interested. I didn't make a stupid excuse like I wasn't feeling well, I straight out said it wouldn't be a good idea for HIS sake to go out with me, and he thought THAT was an excuse! Go figure... I feel so bad, but they say it's always hard to do the right thing. Maybe if I'm a better person in a few months time, or year, however long it takes, he would still consider seeing me (that's if he's still available:( ), but I doubt it at this point. I'll be at home sulking tonight, but he probably has the impression I'll be out having fun. I even had my hair and nails done yesterday, bought a new outfit, the whole deal. I hadn't gone on an officially real date like was planned in a long time and now feel like sh**.
whichwayisup Posted January 21, 2006 Posted January 21, 2006 I don't understand why you cancelled out on dinner? Because you feel like you might let him down? OR it wasn't a good idea for him to date you? I think hon, you should have gone. I think you let the fear take over you and balked. That's okay but don't NOT go out with him because you're afraid that for his sake you're not good for him! You could have had a nice night, nice conversation and a good meal. Just go with the flow... I hope you realize that he may not call again. I don't know, maybe he will but judging by what you said in your post, he seemed frustrated and may have felt put off by it all. If he calls you again, TELL him you chickened out. You got nothing to lose except now lay it all out on the line. Be upfront and honest about how you feel... Don't feel like s*** about it. You had to do what you thought was best for you, though I'm sure he will have his own spin on it.
kitkat826 Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 I feel like tracking down this poor man and giving him a hug.
My_Other_I Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 I feel like tracking down this poor man and giving him a hug. Amen to that. Fun2 So you cancelled a set date because you don't feel ready to date him - in your words for his sake. That means it is still about you! You can be working on yourself and go out at the same time, ya know? He doesn't deserve that treatment. He had made plans and you cancelled on him with almost no notice. I don't get it. You want to change the way you treat people - and your first step is to do exactly what you are trying to change about you. Am I wrong here? One other thing. Why don't you take the guy's # next time as opposed to him taking yours if you are unsure about his 'worthiness' to you? P.S. Can I have this guy's number?
dgiirl Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 Omg, why did you cancel the date? This is the EXACT action everyone is angry with you about. You expect him to jump through hoops to call you and you dont call him back. Then when he asks you out on a date, you agree only to cancel last minute. Seriously, think about this. Put yourself in HIS shoes. Wouldnt you be upset too? If you have THIS much fear about interacting with people, you definitely need some professional help. I dont understand if you are just selfish and self centered or there is some kind of chemical imbalance that needs to be treated. If it truely is anxiety based, get some help. If you truely feel like crap, get some help. Dont sit there having pity for yourself. Step up to the plate and get help for your problems.
Walk Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 I'm not so sure we should all jump on her for cancelling. Personally, if I had received some of the posts that Fun has, I would've started thinking that I wasn't fit to be loose in society. Hell, I'd probably call up the mental ward and have myself commited. Yeah, part of her reaction was probably fear based. She had said in an earlier post that she was worried about the date because it was so elaborate.. or something like that.. But another part felt that she was doing the right thing, based on all the information she's getting on here. Fun.. I don't think you did the wrong thing, as long as you can say you understand all of the reasons you did it. And that you aren't delluding yourself or hiding behind this reason to escape the fact that you were just scared. (not sure that came out right) Meaning... Figure out if this was partly fear based reaction to something. If so, just acknowledge it. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. But if you never acknowledge it, then you can't confront it. However, if it was based mostly on thinking you're screwed up or something, then definitely take some time out. I personally think he was a bit over the top, but just based on what you'd described.
latefragment Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 i think a lot of posts sounded mean-spirited and that may have had something to do with Fun cancelling. It's too bad, because I think that you would have enjoyed the date, Fun. If you can muster up the courage to, I really hope you'll give him a call and ask him out for dinner. You've said that you like him about 7.5 on a 10-point scale, and I really hope you consider asking him out again.
whichwayisup Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 I think that if she tells him that she's scared and has some fears, he may give her another change. I mean neither have alot to lose here! They barely know eachother! So, this could work out as a good thing or it will go down the toilet. I do agree, 7.5 in the interest level, why not? Just to see what happens and where it goes...Atleast think about it.
Outcast Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 I think it was a little off the wall to cancel after having accepted. You could have gone out with him and then explained that you've realized you aren't yet in a good place to be in a relationship. Again, missing social niceties. It wouldn't have killed either of you to have one dinner together.
luvtoto Posted January 22, 2006 Posted January 22, 2006 I even had my hair and nails done yesterday, bought a new outfit, the whole deal. I hadn't gone on an officially real date like was planned in a long time and now feel like sh**. That is the only reason you feel like sh** right now?
Author Fun2BMe Posted January 23, 2006 Author Posted January 23, 2006 That is the only reason you feel like sh** right now? I don't think you've been reading my posts if you think that's why I feel awful. I pretty much was looking forward to the date, maybe you could've quoted my sentence saying 'I feel so bad, but they say it's always hard to do the right thing." i.e. i felt bad canceling (not because of my hair and nails if you need help understanding, but obviously for the CANCELING) and "I told him I WAS interested."..." I hadn't gone on an officially real date like was planned in a long time and now feel like sh**." i.e. for not going on the date I was looking forward to with someone I was interested in. I don't say for getting my hair and nails done, which I get done often anyways. I sacrificed a date, I sacrificed hurting another man's and my feelings, all 100% based on feedback I've been getting from people convincing me I'm not good enough to go out with other people, so I give in like an idiot to do the right thing, what they tell me, and they STILL feel sorry for him? They still think I'm selfish. Well, damed if I do, damed if I don't. I'll get my advice elsewhere, I don't think you guys are looking after my best interest. I came here stating I wanted SUPPORT and help, not attacks and ruining my life. I haven't felt this miserable, but it's all thanks to you "helpers". I can go to the postoffice ask him out myself if I want to and make my own decisions, get my advice from my friends who wouldn't treat me with intentions of making me fail or create opportunities to talk down at me. So good luck to all the posters who had good intentions (the obvious ones I don't have to post names). Some of your suggestions have been helpful. It takes one bad apple to ruin things, and there are more than one bombarding this thread.
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