Outcast Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 It's mental illness- not something that a good relationship will snap her out of. Agreed. And all the sensible, logical posts in the world won't fix her. She needs serious therapy.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Agreed. And all the sensible, logical posts in the world won't fix her. She needs serious therapy. Looked for you here earlier Outcast. I know I should just not waste my breath but everytime I see this kind of post my hackles get up......
Outcast Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 It's illogical to try to be logical with people who are illogical
CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 If I were him I wouldn't have approached you at all. I give you two calls, if you don't call me back, you're done. I have enough respect for myself to not bother with people who are disrespectful and don't call me back.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Yeah, I see your point. But it seems obvious that the postal worker man IS very intrigued and interested, which is why he still was taking a chance. He didn't give up and now they're talking.
dgiirl Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 yah and look at what the mailman got for not giving up. Moral of the story? Sometimes it's best to cut your loses.
Lil Honey Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 It's no classier or more noble than being a teacher, a nurse or animal trainer.....all of whom you would probably lump in a 'lower class' category simply because they make less money than you do. Excellent. Lesson #1: Money isn't everything. Lesson #2: Money won't make you happy if you aren't happy to begin with. Lesson #3: Wealth can be measured in ways other than monetarily. I hope the postman comes to his senses and finds a girl who will appreciate him for who he is.
CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Yeah, I see your point. But it seems obvious that the postal worker man IS very intrigued and interested, which is why he still was taking a chance. He didn't give up and now they're talking. There's an old saying: "Careful what you wish for, you just might get it." I commend him for his tenacity, but at the same, I think he's disrespecting himself. He should have listened to his gut instincts and waited for her to call. It's very disrespectful to not return calls. In this case, two would be my max. If you don't have enough respect to call me back, I don't have time for you and it tells me clearly that you are not the kind of person I would want to be with. I hope it works out for them, but if he's smart, he'll keep his radar on with her. 1
Author Fun2BMe Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 Thanks for all the support I'm getting, blahblah, wwisup, smoochie (I was scared you'd attack me), jen, etc. I did want him to call many times to make sure he proves that he's really interested in me. This is both a weeding process and because I have issues, I'm not saying I'm perfect I know I'm not and he didn't give up on me. But hell I gave it a try and talked to him and found out he is more interesting than I thought. My concern wasn't so much about his income which is more of an indicator of level of education in most cases, as about his lifestyle, interests, education...those have an impact on how you enjoy being with the person you are with. First off he's a postal worker and I admit I thought he would be one-dimensional but like some of you mentioned, maybe as a result of having a 9-5 deal, it frees him up to develop more interests. You have to admit there are many 9-5ers who do not spend all that free time they have on self improvement, hobbies and other interests. So blame me for stereotyping people. That might be fine for many but it would make me bored and intellectually unstimulated, unhappy and it would be the end before it started. I'd be a lot happier if my needs were smaller, trust me I know that. I'd be happy as a clam I imagine, go with the flow, be content, have few interests or cares and little ambition. It's not easy having to have a lot of needs met in order to be happy or satisfied. That I have come to know. Some of you (outcast, caliguy, mz. pixie, dgirl) say that I should be in therapy. I admit I might have some issues (I've recently started to realize this). However wouldn't you agree that sometimes doing things in real life has a bigger impact than reading about it or sitting in therapy...you hear about people who have been in therapy for 20 years but they still behave the same and their core beliefs have not changed. Who knows, maybe I'm all wrong and will pay the price or as some of you think he'll have paid the price. Who knows.
CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Thanks for all the support I'm getting, blahblah, wwisup, smoochie (I was scared you'd attack me), jen, etc. I did want him to call many times to make sure he proves that he's really interested in me. This is both a weeding process and because I have issues, I'm not saying I'm perfect I know I'm not and he didn't give up on me. If you don't return calls to men, especially after they have called you twice, you won't need to weed them out. They'll be weeding YOU out. But hell I gave it a try Sounds more like you're saying you did him a favor. How nice of you. and talked to him and found out he is more interesting than I thought. My concern wasn't so much about his income which is more of an indicator of level of education in most cases, as about his lifestyle, interests, education...those have an impact on how you enjoy being with the person you are with. Whatever your doubts were, you pre-judged him, blew him off several times, etc. Credit him for not giving up, but deduct points as well for his lack of self-respect. I had something similar happen to me and when I finally did see her again and she was interested I told her "No thanks." I have enough self-respect to know that if a woman will do that to me now, that's a sign of bad things to come. First off he's a postal worker and I admit I thought he would be one-dimensional but like some of you mentioned, maybe as a result of having a 9-5 deal, it frees him up to develop more interests. You have to admit there are many 9-5ers who do not spend all that free time they have on self improvement, hobbies and other interests. So blame me for stereotyping people. Well, it's what you did. You stereotyped him. That might be fine for many but it would make me bored and intellectually unstimulated, unhappy and it would be the end before it started. I'd be a lot happier if my needs were smaller, trust me I know that. I'd be happy as a clam I imagine, go with the flow, be content, have few interests or cares and little ambition. It's not easy having to have a lot of needs met in order to be happy or satisfied. That I have come to know. How would you know if he hadn't tracked you down? Some of you (outcast, caliguy, mz. pixie, dgirl) say that I should be in therapy. I haven't said that, but now that you mention it. I admit I might have some issues (I've recently started to realize this). However wouldn't you agree that sometimes doing things in real life has a bigger impact than reading about it or sitting in therapy... Self-improvement comes from not just realizing where you have issues, but listening to the advice of a professional and then resolving yourself to implment and follow through with changes. Getting out and doing "stuff" is akin to fishing with no pole. You can't catch fish unless you have all the tools you need to be successful. you hear about people who have been in therapy for 20 years but they still behave the same and their core beliefs have not changed. Who knows, maybe I'm all wrong and will pay the price or as some of you think he'll have paid the price. Who knows. Those are people with serious issues but I credit them for sticking with the therapy and continuing to work towards their goal. Hopefully things work out between you two but considering what you expect from someone else, which no offense but it seems to be more than you can offer, I doubt this is a good match. I'm not trying to be a jerk here. I just feel that given only the information you have provided, this is a train wreck waiting to happen. You need to work on yourself first before you'll be able to have a healthy relationship.
AverageJoe Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 What he said ^^^^ I hope this woman doesnt have offspring. Based on her posts, I am presuming not.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Some of you (outcast, caliguy, mz. pixie, dgirl) say that I should be in therapy. I admit I might have some issues (I've recently started to realize this). However wouldn't you agree that sometimes doing things in real life has a bigger impact than reading about it or sitting in therapy...you hear about people who have been in therapy for 20 years but they still behave the same and their core beliefs have not changed. Who knows, maybe I'm all wrong and will pay the price or as some of you think he'll have paid the price. Who knows. Their core beliefs have not changed perhaps because they are like you and are resistant to doing anything about their problems. A person with a mental disorder like yours very rarely seeks therapy- as they will make every excuse not to- because they believe deep down the problem is not theirs, but everyone else's. See, you yourself are making excuses to even make the tiniest start but are instead pursuing a relationship which will undoubtedly end badly for him and perhaps for you. "They" also have a tendency to minimize the problem to deflect the attention off of it and back onto whatever it is they are more interested in. "You" need to be healthy before you should inflict your severe issues on someone else. I feel for him, because my mother was a narcassist and I know what it's like to have a relationship with one. Just do me a favor and don't ever reproduce before you try working out your issues with a counselor specializing in personality disorders. If you want to be out there making men miserable that's wrong, but they have a choice to run for the hills. A child cannot have that choice and shouldn't be born into a situation like that.
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 The thing about therapy, it's just there to help enhance the good stuff in you, bring it out more and deal with things from your past that may be contributing to certain reactions/behaviour in your life now. Try not to be negative about it. You don't have to be in therapy for years and years...Even afew weeks or afew months can do alot of good. That choice is yours if you go or not. I believe at some point in life, just about everybody ends up in therapy for various reasons. I kinda wish I'd gone back in 1993 when my father died. I didn't and I coped the best way I knew how. Over the years I was fine up until afew (close to 3 or 4) years ago when I developed an anxiety disorder. Now I am seeking therapy for it and well on the mend. At first I was embarressed by going, but I found out in time that TONS of people go to therapy and IT IS OKAY! Making the effort to make changes, learn how to implement those changes is all good! Anyway, take it slow with this guy, don't think ahead and don't look back. Enjoy what's infront of you and accept him for who he is and hopefully in time if all goes well, it will turn into a wonderful experience for you both.
dgiirl Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Did i say you needed therapy? damn, cos i dont think you are mature enough TO go to therapy. It wouldnt do you a bit of good. Therapy is for people who are brave and intelligent enough to realize that they are not perfect and are willing to get some help to not repeat past mistakes. There's no shame in going to therapy. I dont think someone's crazy for going to therapy, in fact I think it's the opposite. I think the sane ones go into therapy, the crazy ones think they have no problem and then judge people based on class and force ppl to jump through hoops to be their friend because they deserve so much out of life and yet never consider how much of a friend they are to other people. Let me ask you something. You want this guy to call you a ton of times with no feedback from you to show you he's interested. What have YOU done to show HIM you are interested in him? If you want all this effort from a guy, shouldnt you be putting in just as much effort? What makes your needs more important than his?
Mz. Pixie Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Let me ask you something. You want this guy to call you a ton of times with no feedback from you to show you he's interested. What have YOU done to show HIM you are interested in him? If you want all this effort from a guy, shouldnt you be putting in just as much effort? What makes your needs more important than his? Google Narcassism and that will tell you volumes!
Author Fun2BMe Posted January 19, 2006 Author Posted January 19, 2006 Mz. Pixie, you are so hostile and meanspirited, as are a few other posters. I am not here to get attacked or judged, just trying to get help, support and feedback. My 2 cents on therapy and experience with are posted on the self-improvement section. Some of you sound like people get a good bill of mental health before reproducing. I'm not even in a relationship and haven't posted about reproducing so you can keep the additional mean thoughts to yourself on that at least. And some of you sound like I'm here saying that I'm perfect, nmaybe you haven't read my other thread or ? but I have been getting self help books and working on myself. It's not easy for a grown woman to change overnight and at least I'm trying to. And the only reason I don't answer the phone is not only for him to show interest by calling again, but I have serious issues and anxiety associated with it that I know I need help with. As a result, I might miss out on getting to know someone I am interested in, but I am not as healthy in the head as all of you are. Yea, poor him, he's going to suffer so much from me right? Overall I would think I have good qualities as well and I don't even know what his skeletons and negative things are. Everyone comes across perfect when you first meet. I'm trying to change, I said I would never have even considered going out with him in the past, I'm taking steps but I don't need people attempting to put me down and make me feel like sh*t with their smart remarks and attacks. It might make you feel good to put me down. I am not the type to do that to others so Mz. Pixie, and Caliguy not sure what the chip on your shoulder is all about but don't take your hostility out on me. I may not be as healthy mentally as you, but I have gotten far in life, mostly by not surrounding myself with negative people like you. What have I done for him? I apologized for not picking up the phone, I told him not to give up on me and I told him if he called again I'd pick up. As much as my heart was racing and I was nervous, I did pick up the phone, we spoke for almost an hour and a half when I rarely talk that long ever. He said he would call the next night, i told him to call the night after the next because I knew I wouldn't be picking up the phone, and to me it's the thought that counts, I knew he would keep his word and call the next day as he's already demonstrated his interest level in me. Some men don't call and the girls go crazy wanting him to. I'm just the opposite, I need constant calling for me to spark an interest. Not everyone is the same. If it turns out he doesn't like me, he's a big boy, he can decide not to see me again after Saturday or whenever he feels I'm not right for him, same with me towards him. Surprising how everyone is so friggin negative and discouraging.
Outcast Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 What have I done for him? I apologized for not picking up the phone, I told him not to give up on me and I told him if he called again I'd pick up. As much as my heart was racing and I was nervous, I did pick up the phone, we spoke for almost an hour and a half when I rarely talk that long ever. This is a good first step. Next is to stop living 'the way you used to' and do new things. So you never talked that long before - no reason why you can't now and from now on. Same with not answering phones - you're making the steps forward so don't allow yourself to slip back.
loony Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Fun2BMe, I think you are freakingly self-centered, but actually a nice person and it's great you are working on yourself. Don't give up and don't get upset about the things the other poster said, you do come across as weird and that's why nobody can relate with you, but I think you're genuine and really trying to improve. Keep the spirit.
SuperMonk Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 I'm one of those working class people, usually I try 2-3 times calling, trying to get a date. But when I get a whiff of a girl just "confused" or thinking about whether to date me. My interest in her starts waning fast - This is 21st century, woman should be more direct about being involved in a man's life. This postal worker should find some other woman who isn't into fooling around, I'm sure there are plenty of them in this thread more worthy than the author.
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 This ripping on her isn't productive. She's trying to make positive steps to change her relationship behavior, and has admitted where she made mistakes -- let's focus on that. That development should be encouraged. I don't think that name-calling has a place here.
CaliGuy Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 I am not the type to do that to others so Mz. Pixie, and Caliguy not sure what the chip on your shoulder is all about but don't take your hostility out on me. I may not be as healthy mentally as you, but I have gotten far in life, mostly by not surrounding myself with negative people like you. Who's being negative. We're calling a spade a spade. The only information we have to work with is what you have provided and given the responses are all similar in nature, one can easily surmise that we're not all coming to the same conclusions by chance. You have some issues to deal with personally. It's been recommended you get some help to deal with them. Your response was what was negative. The people here on LS care enough to give you good advice and not sugarcoat things. If you came here hoping everyone would tell you what you want to hear instead of what you need to know then this whole experience should be an eye opener. Remember, if they didn't care, they wouldn't respond at all. I'm just the opposite, I need constant calling for me to spark an interest. That's a sign of low self-esteem. Not everyone is the same. If it turns out he doesn't like me, he's a big boy, he can decide not to see me again after Saturday or whenever he feels I'm not right for him, same with me towards him. Surprising how everyone is so friggin negative and discouraging. People are giving their opinion based on the information you have provided. The only negativity I have seen to this point has been your reaction to the advice given.
Chimerical Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 I read your comment about telling the postal guy that you were scrapping to make ends meet.... Not sure that's a good idea. It's deceptive, for one. And he may have been trying to inquire on your finances in a round about way because of women he's dated in the past, or a nasty divorce, taught him that women tend to want is his pay check more than him. He doesn't need to know how much you make, but you don't need to make it seem like your one of the working poor. Comfortable, but not flashy with your wealth. All the gold diggers I've had the misfortune of running into showed their true colors rather quickly in the relationship. So I think you'd be able to spot one if it shows.
Author Fun2BMe Posted January 20, 2006 Author Posted January 20, 2006 Thanks for the tip Chimerical, you might be right. I did feel a little uncomfortable at the amount of questions he was asking about my work as well so I said business had been very slow with the slow economy people investing less, even though I have fixed accounts that are big that I handle. I was not too long ago in what I thought was a loving relationship until my bf slowly started complaining about his finances and would start doing his bills when I'd go over to visit (his annual salary on his W2 he showed me when we first met trying to show off was over 80,000 and he lived in a very modest apartment), then got upset that I never offered to pay them for him knowing I was better off than him and he'd see less and less of me until things ended. It was a hurtful experience so now I try to literally protect my assets and want someone to like me for me only, then I can offer to help financially if it is in my heart to do so knowing there were no motives for him to be with me other than liking me. I'm trying to paint a good picture of the postal man but the only thing that bothers me is that he was asking way too many questions concerning income, if I rent or own, my job, just too much too fast. Maybe he was impressed by my car when the only two times we've spoken in person was when I was at my car leaving the post office. I think I have trust issues too, part of the getting through my barriers before I can open up, answer calls and be close to someone. But we'll see how this goes. I've only had bad luck in the dating scene anyways so my expectations aren't so high to begin with. I'll probably end up wanting to come home early Sat. end up on LS or something, people saying "I told you so, good thing you left that poor man alone".
Neptune Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 Fun2BMe, Do take it with caution with this guy. First, he may be a charmer. Second, he may be in debt up to his a$$ and looking for an easy way out. There is no way you can know that right up front if he is good at his game. And something tells me he is good at his game.
loony Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 Your problem is that your behavior attracts weird people. Normal guys would not chase you with phone calls. It's the wackos with serious issues or an agenda who do. Normal people who respect themselves would feel repelled by your behavior and stop contacting you, there is no need to run after anybody no matter how good looking or great they are. It's deluding to assume that anybody should chase you and would do it without ulterior motives.
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