Not sure if I’m depressed or just done with my marriage

[longdue]

Been married 10 years now. Moved from India to the US. My family background was pretty messed up — emotionally unavailable and narcissistic mom, judgmental dad. Both came from broken families. I grew up with zero affection and a lot of anxiety. Looking back, most of my social anxiety probably came from that — low self-esteem, fear of judgment, and just not knowing how to connect.

On top of that, my dad was a social worker, so we lived in poor, regressive areas where talking to girls was a big deal. I had a few bad experiences, punished for talking to girls, so I basically grew up awkward and scared of women. Only later did I realize some girls in cities were actually flirting with me, I just didn’t get it then. One even told me years later that she’d been hinting at a threesome — I thought she was accusing me of being attracted to someone else.

I dated a couple of girls, but only because they chased me. Then I met my wife. She’s from a religious, less privileged family, and from the start she said if we dated, it had to lead to marriage. She didn’t want any physical relationship before marriage, but I didn’t want a sexless marriage either, so I pushed for intimacy first.

We are total opposites — different religion, language, food habits, lifestyle. I was attracted to her physically, that’s about it. Honestly, I didn’t have the confidence back then to look for someone else. It was obvious early that we weren’t compatible — we fought about food, routines, everything — but I went ahead with it anyway because I felt responsible for her losing her virginity and I just couldn't do it to her (Indian cultural stuff).

Now we have two kids in elementary school. Life is okay on paper, but we basically live parallel lives. About six years ago I started therapy. I’ve grown a lot since then, but also gotten more and more depressed. I lost a job and faced some ugly racist stuff, which hit me hard. I threw myself into rebuilding — changed my looks, got fit, picked up new hobbies, started talking to people more. I can now talk to women casually, even get asked for my number two times recently — but I don’t follow up. I wasn’t looking to cheat, just wanted to prove to myself that I could connect. Given I am an Indian guy, getting asked out by women is a really big deal so I am kind of proud of that.

I’m 40 now. Maybe it’s midlife clarity, but I keep thinking that if I had better social skills back then, I wouldn’t have married my wife. She’s a decent person but always moody, tired, and busy. She’s all about religion, veganism, volunteering, and the kids. I’m about work, fitness, and adventure. We don’t eat together (different food), we don’t sleep together (she co-sleeps with kids), and we don’t share hobbies. She can be pushy and steamrolls decisions, so I just avoid things we have to do together.

She probably thinks I’m the one ruining her vibe — not joining her religious stuff, cooking non-veg, etc. So it’s not about blame. It’s just a bad fit.

Sex is another mess. She only likes PIV. During counseling I found out she still resents that I pushed for intimacy before marriage, so she’s basically been going through the motions all these years. Because of her cultural and hygiene hang-ups, anything else such as BJs or HandJobs happen rarely. She knows I like it but doesn't want to and it is obvious. These days I don’t even asking about those and just keep it to vanilla stuff.

What keeps me here are:

1. The kids
2. Fear of loneliness
3. Family gossip
4. Financial mess and custody

I’m scared she might take the kids back to India if things get ugly. She can be vindictive when she’s hurt and she has badmouthed me to friends in the past during fights so I need to tread carefully.

I’ve even tried anxiety meds that lower libido just to make life simpler, and reduce the hunger but they bring heavy depression side effects.

I don’t plan to remarry. I’m content with my hobbies and some solitude. I honestly think men and women just aren’t built to live peacefully together long-term. Or maybe due to my very non traditional background, I am just different. The point is, I can’t tell if I’m actually depressed or just unhappy in the marriage. Because when I’m out — hiking, working, doing my thing — I feel fine. It’s at home that the hopelessness sets in.

This morning kind of sums it up: she woke me at 5:30, we had sex, and I felt amazing. Got her roses and chocolate. Five minutes later, we were arguing again because she didn't like that I spent money on those things, and I countered with how she never does anything caring like this for me. Now we are now both sulking. And just like that, I was back to “what am I even doing here.”

Anyone else been in a similar spot? How do you tell if it’s depression or just being done?

[Sanch62]

59 minutes ago, longdue said:

About six years ago I started therapy. I’ve grown a lot since then, but also gotten more and more depressed.

Are you still in therapy? If so, why hasn't your therapist assessed you for depression to answer your key question? If not, there's no time like the present to return to therapy and request an assessment.

1 hour ago, longdue said:

I’m scared she might take the kids back to India if things get ugly.

Were they born in India or the US? It would be helpful to seek legal advice in your location to learn your options, along with possible steps for each option. This will help you to operate on factual information rather than emotions alone. Especially helpful might be an attorney with roots or knowledge of laws in your region of origin, because those may not support kidnapping children from their father without provable evidence of abuse.

[longdue]

1 hour ago, Sanch62 said:

Are you still in therapy? If so, why hasn't your therapist assessed you for depression to answer your key question? If not, there's no time like the present to return to therapy and request an assessment.

I am in therapy. Depression is worsening so I am on meds and got approved for ketamine therapy. Therapist isn't sure if my outlook is due to depression but has asked me to 'wait to strike till the iron is cold'.

1 hour ago, Sanch62 said:

Were they born in India or the US? It would be helpful to seek legal advice in your location to learn your options, along with possible steps for each option. This will help you to operate on factual information rather than emotions alone. Especially helpful might be an attorney with roots or knowledge of laws in your region of origin, because those may not support kidnapping children from their father without provable evidence of abuse.

Talking to an attorney sounds like a very big step. But that is emotions. I will do this. They were born here in the US.

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, longdue said:

I honestly think men and women just aren’t built to live peacefully together long-term.

They are, just not when they are completely incompatible with each other, like you and your wife.

You married her for all the wrong reasons. Staying in a loveless marriage is going to make you permanently unhappy. Hire a good lawyer to ensure that your wife won’t be able to take the kids to India without your permission, and get on with the divorce as soon as you can.

 

4 hours ago, longdue said:

Anyone else been in a similar spot?

Maybe not very similar, but I used to hold very rigid, conservative views, and also thought I had to stay with a woman because I’d taken her virginity. I also believed that breakup and divorce were much worse than staying in a relationship at all costs, even with incompatible people, through any sort of emotional distress.

Needless to say that the long-term relationship I had while having such ideas crashed and burned in a painful way.

[Shehaari]

I can empathetically understand how difficult all of this must be for you, @longdue. 
I'm sure other members will give you some valuable advice, but perhaps I can offer some food for thought;

6 hours ago, longdue said:

The point is, I can’t tell if I’m actually depressed or just unhappy in the marriage.

It could be that you indeed are unhappy in the marriage as you're both very different on so many levels, and being depressed likely only adds to the hoplessness unfortunately. 

Different isn't always bad, but having many fundamental differences (and seemingly having a hard time accepting each others differences) currently makes you both "a bad fit" for eachoter. Are you both able to speak openly and without judgement about how everything is impacting you or have you perhaps tried in couples therapy? The life you're describing isn't ideal for either of you, and the only thing you currently have in common is the love you have for your children. 

Are you both willing to do what it takes to improve your marriage? It will take lots of intention, compassion and understanding from BOTH sides, but perhaps having an honest conversation about what you both appreaciate in eachother and what you wish both could do more of, but also what you wish was different will open the door to a deeper understanding of what you both need from each other. 

Sadly, some people, especially desi (south asian) people, will always find or make up reasons to gossip about others, wether you are family or not.
Your priority imo. should be your mental health and being the best version you can be, for yourself and your family. I'm sure you're a great dad already

The fear of her possibly taking the children to India must be very scary for you, and I genuinely hope it won't become your reality. You could benefit from doing some research or speaking to a lawyer, so you know what your options are in case you need to be prepared. 

I'm all for fixing what is broken, but you can't clap with only one hand.. Hang in there  

[longdue]

She says she is willing to change but I can’t believe it as the change required is massive, she is a bit stubborn so I dont think it will stick. I also don’t want to inconvenience myself too much to meet midway. So I think it is not fair for her to change too much. . I also don’t want to owe her, if she changes and then I still decide to leave, it would be unfair to her. I honestly find it hard to think of anything I appreciate in her, I have some kind of resentment towards her. Which makes it harder to put in the effort if you know what I mean. 
We are doing couples counselling but I can’t voice the extent of my distress without prepping for the possible eventuality with the children. If she knows I am thinking separation she will put things into motion, I know her.  I don’t know what I would do without them. They are the only reason I am alive. 
I vaccilate between asking for what I want and feeling intense guilt for asking (especially sex). 
 

I am also very worried if this is the midlife phase where I feel I missed my youth (I did due to my upbringing), will just chase a few women and regret it. But how do I know for sure? I am pretty sure I can’t find someone so willing to meet me midway, or can I? I hear horrible things about today’s US dating scene. Plus I am a brown guy in America. Middle aged. Not a good combo lol. That’s why I guess I am saying I don’t want another relationship. To not have hope. 

ideally these would be separate topics - my satisfaction in the relationship and my future dating prospects. But in my head they are kind of related. If I try to separate it out, at this point I actually feel I might be happier alone with 50% custody. But how do I know for sure is the question. I guess I will not. 
 

Thanks for sharing the experiences. It really helps. 
 

[Shehaari]

9 hours ago, longdue said:

She says she is willing to change but I can’t believe it as the change required is massive, she is a bit stubborn so I dont think it will stick. I also don’t want to inconvenience myself too much to meet midway. So I think it is not fair for her to change too much. . I also don’t want to owe her, if she changes and then I still decide to leave, it would be unfair to her. I honestly find it hard to think of anything I appreciate in her, I have some kind of resentment towards her. Which makes it harder to put in the effort if you know what I mean. 

I know what you mean - and thank you for adding more context. It seems to be more cons than pros for continuing any further. Change requires intent (and not because YOU want her to -for her to hold it against you later) and it also requires a lot of introspection. If her reasons to change doesn't come from herself, it won't benefit your marriage at all.  

 

9 hours ago, longdue said:

We are doing couples counselling but I can’t voice the extent of my distress without prepping for the possible eventuality with the children. If she knows I am thinking separation she will put things into motion, I know her.  I don’t know what I would do without them. They are the only reason I am alive. 
I vaccilate between asking for what I want and feeling intense guilt for asking (especially sex). 

My heart goes out to you - it's definitly a challanging situation and your fear is valid. Perhaps speaking to a lawyer can help reduce the fear of her taking the kids.
I don't know how US laws work, but if they're born in the US, the situation should be more in your favour... (?) 

 

9 hours ago, longdue said:

I am also very worried if this is the midlife phase where I feel I missed my youth (I did due to my upbringing), will just chase a few women and regret it. But how do I know for sure? I am pretty sure I can’t find someone so willing to meet me midway, or can I? I hear horrible things about today’s US dating scene. Plus I am a brown guy in America. Middle aged. Not a good combo lol. That’s why I guess I am saying I don’t want another relationship. To not have hope. 

 

That's the thing - you won't know for sure. What we do know now is that you seem unhappy and the fear of her taking the kids is keeping you stuck in an unfulfilling marriage. if working through it isn't an option, then trying to find someone more like yourself  after a potential divorce might not be a bad thing, even though dating might be scary, but I think it will be easier to think that far ahead once - and if the fear of your wife taking the children is deminished. I'm sure you have a lot to offer, but it needs to be seen and appreciated.

Dating is hard work yaar, but focus on bettering your mental health first and see what that looks like for you (i'm currently doing the same). 

Do you have good friends or a solid support system around you during this time? 

[Els]

16 hours ago, longdue said:

She didn’t want any physical relationship before marriage, but I didn’t want a sexless marriage either, so I pushed for intimacy first.

16 hours ago, longdue said:

Sex is another mess. She only likes PIV. During counseling I found out she still resents that I pushed for intimacy before marriage, so she’s basically been going through the motions all these years.

I mean, what did you expect would happen? A healthy sex life never starts with one person basically ignoring the other person's boundaries and pushing them to do something sexual that they didn't want to do. I hope you're aware that you are as responsible for the state of your sex life as she is - you don't even seem to have expressed any remorse for coercing your wife into having sex that she didn't want to have. 

As for the rest of your post, unfortunately yes, you married a person you're not compatible with. I don't even know if MC will help, honestly, when there are so many irreconciliable differences between the two of you. It's possible that your next step should be looking for legal advice on how you should proceed.

16 hours ago, longdue said:

I honestly think men and women just aren’t built to live peacefully together long-term.

Plenty of us do. I've been with my husband for 17 years. Being able to respect each others' boundaries and valuing compatibility is a big part of that.

Regardless of how you decide to proceed, I'd also strongly suggest that you talk to your therapist about the problematic views that you have on sex. You don't seem to understand the importance of enthusiastic consent or affirmative consent, which is really concerning. If someone only says "yes" after you push and push and push and push them, that's not consent. 

 

Edited October 28 by Els

[longdue]

1 hour ago, Els said:

you don't even seem to have expressed any remorse for coercing your wife into having sex that she didn't want to have. 

I do feel ashamed. I apologised profusely when it came up. And for the past 10 years have stayed within her limits. I honestly should have realized we were not compatible during dating instead of going along with it. Part of my depression is the fact that I may have ended up being a rapist, both the counselor and wife think that is too harsh but whatever, it is semantics, I know that’s what you are thinking. 
 

However you are projecting and assuming too much. For what it is worth I didn’t push and push. I simply stated that is what I wanted and broke it off while dating. She reached back and said she had changed her mind and initiated the whole thing. I never knew she felt coerced till 10 years later. She says she figured it out in her own therapy. I still apologized for putting both of us being in that shitty situation. I think I did pretty good for a young man without a lot of experience. Remember that I went with what the women usually wanted at that point. 
 

I do appreciate a woman’s perspective here, thanks. 

One of the major points of the contention around sex now is exactly that in MC I have expressed that I want enthusiastic consent (didn’t know this term earlier) for non PIV preferences and I am happy with no sex rather that the sudden efforts she makes.. I don’t want a repeat of her doing what I want to keep me happy. But she feels duty sex is normal and so does the counselor. She says that she feels insignificant if she can’t do what I want. She probably senses that is going to be a longer term deal breaker for me and is trying to save the marriage. But these don’t work either  I can feel her lack of interest, which makes it hard to perform and she then feels bad and I have to reassure her that maybe I don’t really enjoy it . More recently I have started being more honest and just saying that it is important for me but I don’t see it happening with her.

So very genuine question, should I not express my preference at all? I know I am getting more sex with her  than I will after separation. I am probably not going to date due to how hopeless it is, so I know I should just be happy. Or just date someone incompatible for the sex if I can’t take and have a repeat. I am throwing away the bird in my hand. But the only thought that brings up in me is that beggars can’t be choosers, I am a beggar and that leads to significant resentment. 
 

Which brings me back to wondering if my brain is just f’ed up right now. 

Edited October 28 by longdue

[longdue]

1 hour ago, Shehaari said:

Do you have good friends or a solid support system around you during this time? 

Not much. I have a good medical support system. I just realized I am using my wife’s insurance which is much better than mine so I may lose that too.
 

Not a lot of friends who I am very honest with as they are mutual friends and for some reason my friends talk to their wives who then report back to my wife. I also feel guilty talking about her to friends so there is that too. 
 

Thanks for your support @Shehaari, the US dating scene is much harder for Indians than India. I really appreciate the support though. 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, longdue said:

So very genuine question, should I not express my preference at all? I know I am getting more sex with her  than I will after separation. I am probably not going to date due to how hopeless it is, so I know I should just be happy. Or just date someone incompatible for the sex if I can’t take and have a repeat. I am throwing away the bird in my hand. But the only thought that brings up in me is that beggars can’t be choosers, I am a beggar and that leads to significant resentment.

This is just crazy talk, man.

You seem dark and desperate. I hope you understand that, as long as you stay with your wife, things are only going to get worse.

Of course you’re entitled to your sexual and emotional preferences. It’s just that your wife has different preference, and the two of you are not compatible.

Thinking that maybe you should stay with your wife because you’re getting more sex from her than you might with someone else is not only pessimistic and cynical, it’s disrespectful to your wife and to you, too.

Your wife isn’t a machine you get sex from. And you aren’t a beggar willing to humiliate himself to get some sex.

There is no right and wrong here, just total spiritual, emotional, and sexual incompatibility that neither of you should tolerate. Your wife also deserves the chance to find someone who’d be more compatible with her and make her happier.

[longdue]

Ok. Good to know that is not rational. A couple of friends I talked to (both genders) did say that I should be grateful for the sex i do have. My therapist also asked me why I thought it was a her issue vs a me issue, and had I thought if i was not appreciating what I had. 
 

I am not desperate. Hopeless is more like it. And yeah dark is right. 
 

I mean I would be happy if she found someone better than me. Given her cultural background I am fairly certain she will not remarry. I do care a lot for her and can’t bear to see her cry. When I say I am afraid of family gossiping, I meant her extended family. I don’t talk to my family so i don’t care as much.
 

She went against her family to marry me but is still on good terms with them and I can imagine the drama she and her parents will face from relatives.
‘This is what happens when girls have too much independence. This is what people in the US do - just divorce each other, you shouldn’t have let her go and more’.
Them getting humiliated is something I don’t want on my conscience I guess. We also will become citizens in 2027. At the least I will hold out till then for her. I am saying this just to point out that I am not just focussed on sex. I really am trying to figure this out. 
 

HonestlyI was hoping someone jumped in and said : hey I was there where you are. I did this and that  to connect with my wife. And we grew to love each other again. This is just midlife stuff , it will pass  

I really did lol. 

Edited October 28 by longdue

[Gebidozo]

14 minutes ago, longdue said:

She went against her family to marry me but is still on good terms with them and I can imagine the drama she and her parents will face from relatives.
‘This is what happens when girls have too much independence. This is what people in the US do - just divorce each other, you shouldn’t have let her go and more’.
Them getting humiliated is something I don’t want on my conscience I guess.

Their humiliation isn’t your responsibility. If they choose to feel humiliated when their daughter gets out of a bad marriage, it is entirely their problem.

Also, do you really wish to sacrifice your well-being for people who think that “girls have too much independence”?

 

17 minutes ago, longdue said:

HonestlyI was hoping someone jumped in and said : hey I was there where you are. I did this and that  to connect with my wife. And we grew to love each other again. This is just midlife stuff , it will pass  

Quite on the contrary, as I was reading your first post one of the first things I thought was, “Goodness, how did they even last that long”.

[ShyViolet]

Of course you're depressed... you are in a really bad marriage.  You admit that you and your wife were never compatible in the first place.  It really sounds like it was a mistake to marry her.  Now you're left in this really unhappy situation that's making you miserable.  You need to get out of this marriage.  You are putting band aids on the problem by taking depression medications.  It's not a depression from within, it's a depression because you are in a really bad marriage that isn't working for you.

[Els]

7 hours ago, longdue said:

However you are projecting and assuming too much. For what it is worth I didn’t push and push. I simply stated that is what I wanted and broke it off while dating. She reached back and said she had changed her mind and initiated the whole thing.

Just to be clear, I used the term "pushed" because that's what you yourself said... multiple times. If you did indeed say at that time that you thought you two were sexually incompatible and simply broke things off, then that's a different matter entirely and is IMO completely fine. 

7 hours ago, longdue said:

So very genuine question, should I not express my preference at all? I know I am getting more sex with her  than I will after separation. I am probably not going to date due to how hopeless it is, so I know I should just be happy. Or just date someone incompatible for the sex if I can’t take and have a repeat. I am throwing away the bird in my hand. But the only thought that brings up in me is that beggars can’t be choosers, I am a beggar and that leads to significant resentment

Expressing your preference is fine as long as you're not pushing, pressuring or coercing anyone.

Why are you so convinced that nobody else would be willing to date you? Is there some dealbreaker that you haven't mentioned here? 

I think you have a lot to work on before you can become a good partner - I don't share the opinion of some of the others that your mental health will magically become perfectly fine after you separate from her, for one thing. That is the first step, but you'll still need to do the work to pull yourself out of this, and it will take some time.

I'm also not sure how you were raised, but I grew up in Asia and from what I can see, many Indian men (or, broadly speaking, Asian men, really) literally don't know basic adult skills, like how to cook a simple meal or how to do laundry. Because their mother did it for them the entire time before they got married, and then after that their wife did it for them. If that's not you, then great! If that's you, you'll need to learn. Most women in this day and age will be expecting an equal partner.

But the key thing here is that it will just take work, not that it's hopeless. There is nothing hopeless in life except that which we tell ourselves is hopeless. You can have the life that you want, you just need t put in the work like everyone else.

[longdue]

45 minutes ago, Els said:

I'm also not sure how you were raised, but I grew up in Asia and from what I can see, many Indian men (or, broadly speaking, Asian men, really) literally don't know basic adult skills, like how to cook a simple meal or how to do laundry. Because their mother did it for them the entire time before they got married, and then after that their wife did it for them. If that's not you, then great! If that's you, you'll need to learn. Most women in this day and age will be expecting an equal partner.

I love cooking, do most of the cooking at home, laundry, most of kid duties (breakfast, getting them ready, dropping to school, picking them up, shower, homework, dinner), usually take the kids out on weekends so wife can rest - she earns more and has a pretty stressful job so I am taking on a low stress job till kids grow older for now, take care of any logistics and home diy.

I don't know how many asian guys you know but most of my friends from India do similar amount of work, working hard is their curse, we will probably work hard till we drop dead. The men I know who don't because their wives are super critical so they just give up. If you are gonna get nagged, get nagged on the couch. I guess I am the more demanding one in my home so my wife just tells me to do everything myself which I am fine with. 

 

45 minutes ago, Els said:

Just to be clear, I used the term "pushed" because that's what you yourself said... multiple times. If you did indeed say at that time that you thought you two were sexually incompatible and simply broke things off, then that's a different matter entirely and is IMO completely fine. 

Thats fair. I was keeping it concise, didn't realize it would be that heavy a meaning.

 

45 minutes ago, Els said:

Why are you so convinced that nobody else would be willing to date you? Is there some dealbreaker that you haven't mentioned here? 

 

I have heard of it from my Indian friends - quite a lot of stereotyping and racism in the dating scene, even in California. An example in this thread is the immediate assumption you are making about Asian men. Not saying you are racist, you seem pretty nice about it, but this is just one of the lesser stereotypes to have to deal with.

45 minutes ago, Els said:

Expressing your preference is fine as long as you're not pushing, pressuring or coercing anyone.

 

Yeah that makes sense. There is a responsibility on the other person to be clear about their stance as well. I don't think it is fair to be quiet to get something and then bring it up years later saying it was coercion.

45 minutes ago, Els said:

I think you have a lot to work on before you can become a good partner - I don't share the opinion of some of the others that your mental health will magically become perfectly fine after you separate from her, for one thing. That is the first step, but you'll still need to do the work to pull yourself out of this, and it will take some tim

Yeah, I know the depression is not due to her. The advice was that the marriage situation was probably making it worse. I definitely agree I have a ton of problems to work through. Which, trust me, I am putting significant effort into. I am spending 5 hours a week on therapy + psychiatry + couples counseling and what not - plus the homework itself. Putting in the hard work is the not problem here, I am trying to figure the direction/strategy that is right. 

As for being a good partner, can you elaborate on what you mean? What makes it sound to you that I am not? Just the sexual preferences or something else? I didn't expect this response. 

I do agree that it is possible i have the same problem with the next relationship, and that is what I so confusingly said in the original post (and made it all about sex). I am worried it is not her but me. I am going to be similarly unhappy in any other relationship I have. So if I leave, I blew up something good and did not even fix the issue. 

Edited October 28 by longdue

[Els]

36 minutes ago, longdue said:

I don't know how many asian guys you know but most of my friends from India do similar amount of work, working hard is their curse, we will probably work hard till we drop dead.

As I said, I grew up in Asia, and I spent the first two decades of my life there. About half of my friends are Asian.  

Unfortunately, I also know far too many men who don't pull their weight in the house. One of the most egregious was a dude from India who would literally wake his pregnant wife up at 2am to cook for him. Yes he was on call, and she was a SAHM, but seriously??? Any normal person would just fix themselves a quick meal, waking a partner up at 2am to cook is absolute madness, let alone a pregnant partner. 

Stating this isn't racism, there are some cultural issues that need to be discussed openly and this is one of them. I didn't mention this because of your ethnicity, by the way, I mentioned it because of the culture that you grew up in. Most of us do absorb the cultures from the formative years of our life, for better or for worse.

It's great that you're not like that, though! Good on you for contributing equally to the running of the household.

Aside from that, yes there will be racist people who won't talk to you. You know what, you don't need their toxic BS either. There are plenty of people who will give you time to show them that you aren't your stereotype, and your race won't hold you back once you meet these people. 

36 minutes ago, longdue said:

As for being a good partner, can you elaborate on what you mean? What makes it sound to you that I am not? Just the sexual preferences or something else? I didn't expect this response. 

The defeatist manner in which you talk about practically everything. The way you talk about your wife. Staying with her just because you're afraid you won't meet anyone else or that you won't have anyone to have sex with...

But if you're willing to work on your mental health and perspectives, I think you'll do just fine really. Just give yourself some time.

Edited October 28 by Els

[longdue]

29 minutes ago, Els said:

Aside from that, yes there will be racist people who won't talk to you. You know what, you don't need their toxic BS either. There are plenty of people who will give you time to show them that you aren't your stereotype, and your race won't hold you back once you meet these people

I think you want me to see a version of the world that you experience. No, there aren't plenty of people who will give me time. It is very rough as an Indian. Please try not to dismiss my experience. 

The only reason I went into details was because you implied there was something wrong with me when I said dating would be hard, if not impossible. I explained why it was hopeless and you are either telling my why I have it wrong or why it is rational that I am stereotyped.  You have examples about egregious men, I have examples about egregious women. I am not sure what the point is?

At this point, I am going to push back. Now that I notice it, I have a constant sense in your replies that I must have done something wrong.  Firstly you called my view on sex problematic and read too much into it. Pushed is a pretty ambiguous term, and I do think you are projecting.  

10 hours ago, Els said:

Plenty of us do. I've been with my husband for 17 years. Being able to respect each others' boundaries and valuing compatibility is a big part of that.

I think this is very condescending and shows your perspective towards me. A big part of it is having common interests too which is what I am trying to figure out. 

1 hour ago, Els said:

Expressing your preference is fine as long as you're not pushing, pressuring or coercing anyone.

I explained that I didn't pressure her, you are still not convinced and you got to repeat it

1 hour ago, Els said:

Most women in this day and age will be expecting an equal partner.

Again, a condescending statement. Do I not live in this day and age? Why don't you by default assume i am an equal partner? Because I am.

1 hour ago, Els said:

You can have the life that you want, you just need t put in the work like everyone else.

I think you must be quite privileged enough to think that life works that way for everyone. I really envy you.

29 minutes ago, Els said:

I didn't mention this because of your ethnicity, by the way, I mentioned it because of the culture that you grew up in. Most of us do absorb the cultures from the formative years of our life, for better or for worse.

That is the weirdest cop out I have heard. Isn't this what every racist says? Just replace Asian stereotypes with African American stereotypes. You will know what I am talking about. 

[Els]

My friend, I AM an Asian who lives in a Western county. I am well aware of the struggles that we face. 

Something being challenging doesn't mean that it's hopeless. I'm not sure why you're quoting my previous responses out of context, as I specifically said after you responded that those things don't apply to you.

By the way, "pushing someone into having sex that they didn't want" is not an ambiguous statement in any way. I believe you when you say you didn't mean it, but don't try to pin the blame on me for reading what you wrote.

At any rate, you can keep on believing that your race will hinder you from what you want in life, or you can listen to the people who tell you it's not impossible and make the difficult choices that you need for your own happiness. 

I don't have any skin in this game, it's your life. All the best.

 

[Sanch62]

On 10/27/2025 at 5:28 PM, longdue said:

Talking to an attorney sounds like a very big step. But that is emotions. I will do this. They were born here in the US.

Gaining valid information and advice is not the same thing as filing for anything that would alert your wife to possible intentions.

For instance, in most US locations, one parent's removal of children from a state, much less the country, is illegal, and your attorney can educate you on steps to ensure this and issue protective port measures that would not allow your children to exit the country on a plane or boat unless they are with both parents

[Gebidozo]

OP, I think you are confusing racism with rejection of certain cultural habits.

One can strongly oppose, for example, the statement of your wife’s parents about women having “too much independence”, or disagree with your conviction that you must marry a girl whose virginity you took, without in the least being racist.

 

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

OP, I think you are confusing racism with rejection of certain cultural habits.

One can strongly oppose, for example, the statement of your wife’s parents about women having “too much independence”, or disagree with your conviction that you must marry a girl whose virginity you took, without in the least being racist.

Yes, and I think problems as crucial as those you are suffering within your own nuclear family make concerns about generalities, culture, and race into distractions that can derail your focus.

Consider whether you want to pursue peace within your current home or peace outside it. You can't control externals, not even those as close to you as your wife's attitudes and behaviors, much less societal problems. So re-focus on what you CAN do for yourself, and skip ideas about controlling externals. Those are beyond your scope and don't matter in the larger scheme of the life you want to live.

Head high, and feel free to write more if we can help.

[longdue]

I probably am mixing it up to some extent. However, it is also true that most people do not wait to confirm stereotypes before dismissing someone. I am not imaging it, I have been told this to my face why someone is not interested in chatting with me. Might be the rude exception, might not be. It is also the experience I have heard from more than a few friends. It is even more frustrating when it is dismissed with "well that doesn't happen, there must be something else wrong with you."

It is a sore spot, so I am probably reacting. I am also not in a very optimistic state of mind right now to not let that affect me. I hear what you guys are saying: "don't just get bogged down because it is hard, you will miss every shot you don't take. "

It is just that at this point in time, the reward vs effort seems quite low, so I would rather not. I may change my mind at a later stage if I am still around. I really appreciate you all trying to lift me up. 

[Sanch62]

2 hours ago, longdue said:

... it is also true that most people do not wait to confirm stereotypes before dismissing someone.

Why would you be interested in engaging anyone who operates on stereotypes?

Quote

I am not imaging it, I have been told this to my face why someone is not interested in chatting with me. Might be the rude exception, might not be. It is also the experience I have heard from more than a few friends. It is even more frustrating when it is dismissed with "well that doesn't happen, there must be something else wrong with you."

It's not that it doesn't happen, but why not view it through a lens of screening out people who are not worth dealing with? Our goals are always to do that anyway, whether not joining a club we're not interested in, regardless of whether they'd have us, or not forming friendships with people who don't like us, or not dating someone who wouldn't date us. 

I live in a high-majority Indian area and have enjoyed my position as a minority among Indian people for, likely, as long as you've been alive. Of course, I've been discriminated against, but there are too many people who've generously acculturated me to notice or care about those who would do that.

Quote

It is a sore spot, so I am probably reacting. I am also not in a very optimistic state of mind right now to not let that affect me. I hear what you guys are saying: "don't just get bogged down because it is hard, you will miss every shot you don't take. "

Shot at what, converting a lousy person into a good one?

If a train doesn't stop at your station, it's not your train. Focus on where YOU want to go, and leave fellow travelers going somewhere else to go do that.

If you're basing your decision about remaining in your marriage on something as extraneous as whether some women might not want to date you, then your priorities are wildly skewed.

We have all been rejected, most of us many times, and if we haven't grasped that only the RIGHT individuals can view us through the right lens, then we won't learn the most important life skill of resilience, and we are screwed. If you want to use fears to build barriers to the life you want, then go ahead. It won't serve you, but there's no law against doing that.

[Shehaari]

 

On 10/28/2025 at 1:45 PM, longdue said:

Not a lot of friends who I am very honest with as they are mutual friends and for some reason my friends talk to their wives who then report back to my wife. I also feel guilty talking about her to friends so there is that too. 

In that case, speaking to your therapist in a safe space, where he/she can help navigate, is the best solution. I'm glad you have a good medical support system and that you're actively getting help in bettering your mental health.
 

On 10/28/2025 at 1:39 PM, longdue said:

Part of my depression is the fact that I may have ended up being a rapist, both the counselor and wife think that is too harsh but whatever, it is semantics, I know that’s what you are thinking. 

On 10/28/2025 at 1:39 PM, longdue said:

I simply stated that is what I wanted and broke it off while dating. She reached back and said she had changed her mind and initiated the whole thing.

Would you say you're not only holding resentment towards your wife, as you previously mentioned, but also towards yourself as well?

This might be tracking off a little, but it might be worth keeping in mind.

Going back to the beginning might help change perspective moving forward:

You have had a challanging childhood, and you did the best you could with the psychological tools you had at the time. Learning to accept what was, and now is, is challanging - I know, but it could also be trivial in order for you to be in a better mental headspace moving forward. That's the key in order to make a decision that you can stand by and not second guess. I hope you are able to process all of the emotions that arises (be it guilt/anger/resentment towards yourself,  perhaps your parents and/or your wife too) with your therapist. 

Kindly, I don't think either of you should be in an unfulfilling marriage. You both deserve to be in a loving marriage where you can communicate your needs without guilt or resentment. 

My humble opinion still stands.. Regardless of wether you end up wanting to work things out with your wife (by perhaps having vulnerable conversations about what you both can do to imrpove your marriage, be it taking part in eachothers different activities and actively working through the guilt/shame regarding sex OR going your separate ways without risking her taking the kids away from you), you will be in a better position to make the decision you need and can stand by, once you're in a better headspace.

Being in a state of depression is extremely difficult and everything seems hopeless now.. Even though it might not seem like it at the moment, know that the hopelessness can't last forever.. Do the work on yourself first, then focus on what to do next. Hang in there.

Edited Saturday at 07:51 PM by Shehaari