Should I give up on 16yr old?

[yellowrose2014]

I allowed my daughter to live w/her dad b/c he lives in a fabulous school district. She didn’t move in with him until a couple years ago. Prior to that she had two homes she shuffled between. After 15yrs I decided to walk away from him. We had been off and on for years. I started dating shortly thereafter but we broke up after a few months. My ex has been nastier than he usually is towards me since I left him.

My ex has actually told our daughter the guy I dated was a pedophile. Which he was not. My ex has been filling her head w/lies about me b/c he is pissed I finally left. 
I now visit my daughter at his house. This was not a problem in the past but it sure is now. He ignores my questions in front of our daughter sometimes and is very short w/me. We never married so I can’t enforce her coming to see me. Also, she is mad I left him.  I don’t want to continue to see her there.

Any suggestions?

 

 

[basil67]

I don't know what country you're in, but unless you live in a patriarchal society, it doesn't make sense that as a mother, you can't enforce custody.  What legal routes have you tried?

[Sanch62]

Contact your local hospital's human services department and ask for a referral to a social worker to help you manage a custody situation. This is someone who is aware of available resources, such as legal aid, because you need both emotional help and legal advice.

Meanwhile, I would keep up the visits but avoid speaking with your ex during that time. Phone him later if you have questions. Your daughter needs to see your commitment to her demonstrated, regardless of discomfort. This will serve her well throughout her future, no matter what she might believe about you today. Hopefully, the social and legal resources can help to negotiate a better visitation arrangement for you, because you don't need to have been married to retain your rights as a parent.

[yellowrose2014]

Thank you for the suggestions.

I’m in the U.S. But we never married and she is now fifteen. So, I don’t believe the courts can do much of anything at all. I’m certainly there most days to visit w/ her after school. The problem is there was so much emotional abuse over the years that I actually get anxiety before I go see her. He stays out of the way most of the time. But just his presence unnerves me.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, yellowrose2014 said:

So, I don’t believe the courts can do much of anything at all.

Have you tried? It's not clear if this is just your assumption, or if a lawyer actually told you this. 

5 hours ago, yellowrose2014 said:

The problem is there was so much emotional abuse over the years that I actually get anxiety before I go see her.

So is this more of a case that you don't want to continue visiting?

I get that you don't want to be around him but I also don't see that he's preventing you from seeing her. Can you spend time outside the house with her sometimes? It seems a bit strange to me that you're considering just giving up on her. 

[yellowrose2014]

ExpatInItay-

You are right, this is my assumption. I have not consulted with an attorney.
I do want to continue to see our daughter. I could take her out and I try. Last night my oldest & I were able to get her to come over & watch a movie. However, that hasn’t happened in over a year. She is extremely hesitant to leave his side.  I should add he was diagnosed w/Cancer this year and just ended his chemo. However, he refuses to tell her his diagnoses and forbad me from telling her.

she hasn’t told me she loves me in two years now. When I say “ I love you” her reply is “thanks” it breaks my heart. I don’t know if she even really loves me or wants me around. Maybe it’s just my own anxieties. But I know for a fact he bad mouths me to her. He is really a dangerous person.

 

 

[Els]

12 hours ago, yellowrose2014 said:

Thank you for the suggestions.

I’m in the U.S. But we never married and she is now fifteen. So, I don’t believe the courts can do much of anything at all. I’m certainly there most days to visit w/ her after school. The problem is there was so much emotional abuse over the years that I actually get anxiety before I go see her. He stays out of the way most of the time. But just his presence unnerves me.

Marriage is not required to enforce custody, and even if it was, why would the rights automatically go to him??

But at the end of the day, honestly it sounds to me like you're trying to convince yourself that it's okay to not see your daughter (hence all the "I didn't talk to an attorney but surely the courts can't do anything, right???" talk). And I don't think anyone can give you that permission. The question of whether it's okay for you to not be there for her is obviously between you and your daughter.

I will have to say that if I was in her position and my mother just stopped visiting without a word, I would believe my father and I would cut her out for the rest of my adult life (because he's there for me, and she's not). Abandoning a teenage child is something that will leave a lifelong mark, both on the child and on your relationship with them. So make your decisions accordingly.

[yellowrose2014]

Els,

I want to be in her life. My post was more venting and anxiety driven b/c her and I used to be so close. Ever since she moved with him I feel that she doesn’t want me around as much if at all. Perhaps this is just teenage angst? Her dad told me he talks to her often and that “your relationship with her is hanging by a thread “ why is would he say that?  I ask for clarification and he doesn’t want to “ruin the trust “ between them and tell me anymore than that. This is what I deal with. 

I just don’t want to deal with her dad because of the anxiety I experience around him and his attitude towards me around our daughter. Which can’t be good for her to see. When she was much younger she actually asked me why I allowed her dad to talk  to me “like that”.  The disrespect he shows me is troubling. I got to figure out a way to get her to go out more with me I suppose. But I can’t make her. But I will continue to be in her life. I’m hoping we will be close again at some point. 

[Sanch62]

Don't you know that it's every adolescent's job to be mean and cause their mother heartbreak?

You know that there's some risk of your daughter's father not surviving his illness, so this is not the time to put your emotional discomfort in front of a conviction to keep your visits with her, no matter what.

Seek legal advice. If you can't afford it, contact legal aid or social services. Don't assume you know the laws in your location, and don't shrug off the capabilities of an attorney to educate your ex's attorney about a father who is battling a life-challenging illness and why it's in his daughter's best interests that he encourage her to form a loving and substantial bond with her own mother. His failures to do so will be documented in a case that will not go well for him.

Also, ask your local hospital's human services department for a referral to emotional support. Your own best thinking is spiraling you downward, so seek better thinking and team up to take good advice.

There is no excuse to try to deal with this alone. Your daughter needs you to step up and get the help you need. This will teach you how to model the strength SHE may need to reach for help someday, and that need may be sooner rather than later.

Edited October 27 by Sanch62

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, yellowrose2014 said:

Perhaps this is just teenage angst? Her dad told me he talks to her often and that “your relationship with her is hanging by a thread “ why is would he say that?

Did you not say he is emotionally abusive? He's telling you these things to hurt you, whether they're true or not. I am surprised you haven't already realized that. 

15 hours ago, yellowrose2014 said:

When I say “ I love you” her reply is “thanks” it breaks my heart.

I am also a bit surprised that you don't realize that this is not at all unusual for teenagers. Her dad could well be putting thoughts in her head, sure. But many, many teens are like this with thier parents. It sucks for the parents, but the teens usually grow out of it.

15 hours ago, yellowrose2014 said:

Maybe it’s just my own anxieties. But I know for a fact he bad mouths me to her. He is really a dangerous person.

So, don't punish her by "giving up" on her for her dad's bad behaviour. That wouldn't make sense and would froever ruin your relationship with her. 

15 hours ago, yellowrose2014 said:

I have not consulted with an attorney.

Why not?

Edited October 27 by ExpatInItaly

[yellowrose2014]

I didn’t think I could enforce anything because we never went to court for any kind of enforcement of child support or living arrangements. I will definitely start doing some research 

[Sanch62]

On 10/29/2025 at 9:48 PM, yellowrose2014 said:

I didn’t think I could enforce anything because we never went to court for any kind of enforcement of child support or living arrangements. I will definitely start doing some research 

Contact your local hospital's human services department and ask for a referral to a social worker to help you manage a custody situation. This is someone who is aware of available resources, such as legal aid, because you need both emotional help and legal advice.