Has he lost interest, or is this just his INTJ personality?

[shinoa]

Hey everyone,

I (28, INFP) really need some perspective on my situation. My "boyfriend" (27, INTJ, Chinese, currently doing his PhD in Seoul) has been acting so differently, and I can’t tell if it’s just his personality or if he’s lost interest.

We met this summer while both traveling in Indonesia — we instantly clicked and spent a few wonderful days together. After going back home (me to Germany, him to China for vacation), we stayed in touch daily for two months. He was so romantic, always saying how much he missed me and wanted a future together.

Since I’ve always wanted to visit Seoul and have flexible work, I decided to visit him for about 3–4 weeks when his last semester started. We were both super excited and counted the days.

But from the moment I arrived, things felt off. He picked me up from the airport, everything seemed fine — but once classes began, he suddenly had way less time than expected. Instead of meeting after 3 PM, he came home around 7–8 PM. What hurt more was how cold and distant he became. No affection, no “good night,” barely any physical touch unless we were outside (he’d hold my hand, so it wasn’t like he was hiding me). But emotionally, he felt unreachable.

When I tried to talk about it, he said he’d underestimated his workload. Still, I couldn’t understand how someone who had once been so affectionate could suddenly turn so cold. Then he asked if I’d booked my return flight yet — even though he’d said I could “stay as long as I wanted.” That broke me. I ended up leaving after just two weeks.

I expected him to stop texting once I left, but he didn’t. He still messages me every day, asks for video calls, checks in — just without any of the warmth or “I miss you” kind of talk from before.

So I’m really confused.

If he’s an INTJ and naturally more rational and reserved, why was he so emotional before? Did he just lose interest and can’t admit it? Or is this his way of showing love under stress or in real life vs. long distance?

I honestly don’t know what to think anymore. Any thoughts or similar experiences would mean a lot.

[ExpatInItaly]

Putting aside the "why" for a moment, I would ask myself instead if this is really a viable relationship prospect.

You two are very, very far apart. That's diffcult to sustain under the best of circumstances, but even more challenging when you don't actually know the person. You two only spent a few days together before going on your own ways again, which is very little foundation to build on. It sounds as though you both got caught up in the fantasy of it all, but real life has bubbled to the surface and it doesn't really work. 

It appears that he likes the idea of having someone more than the reality of it. So the calls and check-ins are fine, but once you are in each other's presence with the normal and daily stressors, it crumbles. 

I personally would not hold my breath for this working out. You are apparently quite different people and the logistics are complicated. It doesn't sound like it has the legs to go further. 

[FredEire]

I agree that logistically this seems like something that seems very hard to make work.

Also from knowing and working with a lot of Chinese people, their culture around dating and marriage is very very different to what we have in Europe and the US.

So their could be doubts about cultural/family expectations, the fact of you actually being there with him in Asia maybe made it all a bit too real for him and he pulled back. He maybe felt more comfortable with the fantasy/distance. It sounds like there were a lot of things at play, and its hard to know exactly what was going on for him.

Unfortunately though to me it doesn't sound like a realistic prospect for a healthy relationship. I would say his personality type is towards the bottom of the list of reasons.

[Els]

11 hours ago, shinoa said:

He picked me up from the airport, everything seemed fine — but once classes began, he suddenly had way less time than expected. Instead of meeting after 3 PM, he came home around 7–8 PM. What hurt more was how cold and distant he became

Did you complain about him coming back at 7pm? And why would you expect him to be back at 3pm - did he say that he would be?

East Asian here, 7pm is a very very normal time to finish work in countries like South Korea, in fact it's probably earlier than average. And PhDs are considered "work" because they are usually funded. I don't know any full time workers in South Korea who finish work at 3pm - that's considered part time work! I know it's common in places like Europe and Australia, but things are different in Asia. Most of my friends who live in Asia finish work between 7-9pm.

So unless he'd given you reason to think he'd be out at 3pm, I can see why he'd be annoyed by your expectation that he'd be done at that time. 

That being said, as others have said, there's a lot working against you here, and not a lot going for you two. So definitely reconsider if the long distance is worth it.

Edited October 24 by Els

[Sanch62]

13 hours ago, shinoa said:

... he said he’d underestimated his workload.

This has likely caused him a very rude awakening to stress he didn't anticipate. 

Quote

Still, I couldn’t understand how someone who had once been so affectionate could suddenly turn so cold.

Panic. He's overwhelmed with the weight of requirements, and he didn't know how to navigate this around someone else who ALSO has expectations of him.

I agree with the other folks. This guy is having a hard time, and that's not going to resolve quickly.