Concerning betrayal in love

[Lionknight]

Hi I'm currently dealing with betrayal.I gave everything to the person that I loved and I trusted them. And now I really don't know what to do. I'm confused I'm hurt and when I talk to them about it the answer I got was well that wasn't a betrayal. They didn't see it that way. They promised the future with me, and now they're currently dating someone else. It hurts really badly and I'm just not exactly sure how to deal with that pain. I've never let someone in so close to me that hurt me in that manner. Any advice on dealing with that type of pain would be very appreciated

[Gebidozo]

Can you please provide more detail? What exactly happened?

[Lionknight]

So this was a person that I had a long history with. And that I previously had a relationship with. That relationship ended 7 years ago. She moved on and I moved on. We built a friendship after a long gap of time. And I thought it was just going to ever be a friendship I had no expectations in any other way. We met 15 years ago in an MMO game. And we were friends, and that friendship turned to something else after 2 years. And then we had a long distance relationship, followed by living together for 6 years. 

 

I believe that every relationship has its ups and downs.That's just the way life goes. There were parts of our relationship that over time drove a wedge between us. And that widened because we didn't work on it. Or we couldn't come to an agreement on things would be more accurate. So we parted ways. And we moved to different states. And life moved on.

 

Well it was about 5 months ago that we started rekindling our friendship. After a very long time of not speaking. The length of time not speaking was about six and a half years.In a moment of nostalgia I decided to reinstall the game in April of this year. I wanted to show one of my friends all of the accomplishments that I had made. And as I was talking with her I said oh yeah I'm going to be playing this game for a little bit. You want to come hang out with me and my friend you're more than welcome to. So she did. And my friend decided that he wanted to leave the game. He's like no I don't think this is for me. So I had the rest of the month to play out the rest of the subscription.So it was just the two of us. And we were falling back into the old ways we were doing quests together and enjoying each other's company. 

 

Until one day when she said she had to log off because she was being told she had to go somewhere. I immediately thought that that was odd because the person I knew would never be told to go somewhere. Maybe asked but never told. And I pointed that out to her. I said hey is everything okay with you? And that started an immediate torrent of stories of abuse. She went on to tell me about the instances of abuse. About being micromanaged in her life.

I'm not going to go into specific detail about her abuse. I don't feel it's right to share those things.

 

So I helped her walk through the process of getting a Restraining order. And since her partner didn't pay any of the bills and she owned property

The Court ruled in her favor and he was removed. She came to stay with me for a little bit. And we talked about the feelings that she said that she was rekindling towards me. One thing led to another and we fell back into things that people in a relationship would do. Also not going into detail about that other than saying a deep connection was rekindled.

 

So I went to the city that she lived in. To help her move the remainder of things that the ex left out of the house. And help her get her life back in order. And we talked about future plans and such. It was a very nice two weeks.

But when I came back to my home I started noticing a wall forming between us. Like an emotional wall. And she started talking about seeing people. I told her that I loved her. But I would not stand by while she went out on dates. Just let me go at that point. And when the wall became taller I said okay I'm going to walk away now.

 

Lasted for a day and she Asked me to come back. Told me she didn't know what she wanted. She asked me to be patient with her. Give her time. So I did, But things between us changed. She no longer wanted me to come visit her. 

I broke the silence the other day. I asked her hey you know is everything okay? And she told me the story of how she is seeing somebody and she wants to move on with them. So I kind of feel like I was used. And I feel betrayed. And I can't stop those feelings. So without going into more detail, that's pretty much it.

[Gebidozo]

I’m really sorry this has happened to you.

Of course you feel betrayed. That’s a very natural and normal reaction to what she did.

I know this hurts a lot. But you have to move on. She is obviously not someone you can trust. In a way, it’s a good thing that you discovered it early. Imagine what would happened if you stayed several more years with her, had kids with her.

You dodged a bullet. Give yourself some time to heal. I know it doesn’t feel like this now,, but things will get better and eventually you’ll be able to find someone who will know what she wants, someone who will know that she wants you and nobody else.

[Lionknight]

Thank you for the kind words. I am just in a state of confusion and pain at the moment. Trying to process things you know?

[FredEire]

It seems like wherever she is at with this other guy, she is a bit emotionally all over the place and saw you as a nice memory from her past, something that if she could rekindle help her deal with the pain of the present.

The problem is that when someone is in rebound mode and acting out of pain themselves they are probably not going to be as considerate as they should be, they are looking for some distraction, any distraction, from what they are feeling and they're not thinking about how that might affect the people they're interacting with.

The first thing I'd say you can do is work on seeing that it's got a lot more to do with her current emotional state than you. Personally I would stay far away from anyone who's recently out of a bad breakup (or any breakup really) for your own good, its not a healthy place for new love to grow.

[Lionknight]

I think you're absolutely right. And I don't think I should have gotten involved. I had even commented to myself like wow life would be so much easier if I didn't save her from the stuff that she was going through. And I mean easier for me. But that doesn't really play a role in who I am as a person. I have a caregiver type mentality. But I think that keeping my distance and healing are the only things that will help me move past this. But I agree with you, she is not in her right mind so to speak.

[MsJayne]

Yep, kinda sounds like you were used to fill a void, sorry this happened to you. I doubt that she did it consciously, but it's good that you drew the line in the sand with her and stopped her messing you around any further. The best way to get through the pain of a breakup is to have zero contact with the other person, and when you think about them be honest in your assessment of them. Don't make excuses for their selfishness or bad manners, accept that they behaved that way because that's who they are, and that can sometimes help to speed up the healing process. Being in love with someone you're not really compatible with requires a certain amount of delusional thinking, so you have to change the thinking around how you see that person. Promise yourself you won't get sucked back in when her new relationship doesn't work out and she contacts you for support, because she probably will.  

[Lionknight]

Thank you for that response. I really never even thought that she would ever reach out to me again this time. So it would be little wonder that she would do so if and when that relationship fails for her.I'm going to try my best to be as unavailable to her as possible.I think that's all I can do right now. I'm just confused how someone could do this and live with themselves. It's like she called me the most important person in her life. And I trusted her with everything. And it was just a rapid kick to the curb. It didn't make any sense to me. It's some of the worst pain I've ever felt.

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, Lionknight said:

Thank you for that response. I really never even thought that she would ever reach out to me again this time. So it would be little wonder that she would do so if and when that relationship fails for her.I'm going to try my best to be as unavailable to her as possible.I think that's all I can do right now. I'm just confused how someone could do this and live with themselves. It's like she called me the most important person in her life. And I trusted her with everything. And it was just a rapid kick to the curb. It didn't make any sense to me. It's some of the worst pain I've ever felt.

I agree that she's not treating you with much consideration, that doesn't say much for her as a person.

But for me I think it's helpful to know the reason, so you don't end up here again. I have friends who go for the same hopeless situation over and over again and it never ends well for them.

In my opinion, the way she's acting is about the context of where your relationship is at. It's not the same situation as when you were originally dating, just two people getting to know eachother.

Now, she's at a weak point where she's still heartbroken about the other guy, and bouncing all over the place reaching for someone, anyone, to connect with and momentarily feel better, and who better to do that than her ex. Unfortunately as it stands this other guy is still the one with "value" to her, taking up her heart and headspace, and where you're at is maybe a bit of ego boost and mostly a shoulder to cry on.

But whether she was intimate with you again or even told you she still loves you etc, you can't take that seriously from someone in her position. It's more about her willing herself to feel better and "in love" and distract herself from how she is really feeling than any genuine emotion. Its quite likely she will do this with other rebound guy(s) now, way too quickly and with a similar result.

So it's not very mature or conisderate and fwiw the fact that she is ok with acting this way probably tells you you were better off breaking up in the first place. But I think the main takeaways here is very little of this has to do with you or your history, and if you meet another woman in the future who says they are recently out of something and moves extremely quickly with you, take it as a pretty big red flag and adjust your expectations accordingly.

[Lionknight]

I think a lot of this also has to fall on my shoulders. I had been intimate with no one for 6 years. And it was like I was living a monochromatic existence. And then suddenly the world was filled with color again. We were intimate yes, and promises were made from her to me.And when I asked her about that she gave me an excuse and said she didn't remember anything about the entire weekend. The entire weekend was a blur to her. So yeah I also do not think that she is very mature. It was issue between us before and still currently is.And for as much as she is gushing about this new guy or did gush last time I talked to her which was 2 days ago, I truly feel sorry for him.

I just still can't wrap my mind around the betrayal aspect. To me it's the equivalent of helping somebody out of a hole only having them drag you into it as they move past you to get out..

 

[MsJayne]

22 minutes ago, Lionknight said:

And for as much as she is gushing about this new guy

Gushing is very often sign that a relationship is doomed. You know, there's a difference between telling your buddies that you've met someone new and you really like them and hope it goes somewhere, and "gushing', which involves blowing a whole lot of sunshine up the new person's rear and attributing, (and exaggerating), a lot of positive qualities to them even though you barely know them. In the not-too-distant future she'll be on the other end of your 'phone telling you what a jerk he turned out to be. By that time you'll be feeling good again  . 

[Lionknight]

11 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Gushing is very often sign that a relationship is doomed. You know, there's a difference between telling your buddies that you've met someone new and you really like them and hope it goes somewhere, and "gushing', which involves blowing a whole lot of sunshine up the new person's rear and attributing, (and exaggerating), a lot of positive qualities to them even though you barely know them. In the not-too-distant future she'll be on the other end of your 'phone telling you what a jerk he turned out to be. By that time you'll be feeling good again  . 

You know it's honestly awesome that you put it this way. She had to go out of her way to tell me how wonderful he was and gave me examples of how wonderful he was.How she met him It's a very specific stuff and I really don't feel comfortable talking about it on here because it's really not my business. But believe me I was cringing the entire time. And then she had to point out that they had not yet had sex and I'm like dude this is not my business.So why she chose to torture me with those details I'll still never know. But I think you're right I think this one is going to fall apart and then she's going to come right back to me. Only hopefully by then I'll be healed and I'll just have enough fortitude to decline any advance.I decided to move on with things. And by things I mean life. I've always really wanted to learn how to make YouTube videos so I'm starting my very first one. Wish me luck! And thank you for the response.

 

[MsJayne]

3 hours ago, Lionknight said:

She had to go out of her way to tell me how wonderful he was and gave me examples of how wonderful he was

 Cringe-o-meter going off the scale .  I wish you the best of luck, both with healing and with your YouTube ambitions. Somewhere out there is your person and one day you'll look back on this with total indifference  . 

Edited October 25 by MsJayne

[Lionknight]

Thank you for that! And yeah I'm hoping that the transition goes smoothly for me.I have a wonderful group of friends and we play tabletop games together. So it's a good support system. But I was really looking for answers on how a betrayal like that could happen. And I'm satisfied with what I found here and also blessed to have gotten any responses if I'm being honest. I truly appreciate different viewpoints. And yeah maybe there is somebody out there for me someday. But I'm not going to be looking for her anytime soon that's for sure. Time to lick the wounds and move on.And whatever Journey you are taking, I wish you luck with that as well!

[Carlston]

You weren't betrayed. 

Her feelings changed.

She broke up with you and found someone more compatible. 

It happens.

In fact it happens more often than it doesn't or we'd still all be dating or married to the first person we were ever in a relationship with.

You made things indescribably worse for yourself to remain in the friendzone so you have to hear about how great the new guy is.

 

 

[Lionknight]

Hello and thank you for the response! I do agree with you about feelings changing. But I do not think that they changed that rapidly we're talking within the span of 2 months it went from I want to be with you forever to yeah I found someone else.

 

But you are right, if feelings didn't change we would still be with the same people that we were first with. Absolutely agreed. And as far as the friend zone portion, I am not friendzoned. I received the information concerning the other guy on my outro conversation. You know the conversation you have with somebody that says "hey take care of me well I'll see you when I see you" ? I have no contact with her. And I do not desire contact with her at the moment.I truly believe that those comments that she made to me about the new guy were parting shots.

 

Here's where the Betrayal happens though. She was dating this guy on the side and when I stepped away honorably she reeled me back in only to stab me in the heart. There was a deliberation there. It wasn't just randomly feelings changed.