LarryMc Posted October 22 Posted October 22 So this will be long winded and drawn out and I'll try to avoid repeating myself... My wife (32) and I (36) have been together for 8 years, we dated for 3 months before moving in together and we've been Married for the last 11 months. My wife has always been an indoor cat. Online school, remote jobs, keeps to herself, not many friends. We have had rough spots in the past but always able to bounce back We are each others best friends. She recently graduated earlier this year and after a few jobs she found one she likes and is good at. This is her first job where shes in the office every day and also has a male boss. Shes very boyish, we play video games together watch every thing from anime to bad reality tv, Yada yada... So its not uncommon for her to get along with guys. And I as a jealous person have never had to deal with this situation. Full disclosure she started taking prozac again a few months ago. Shes also on a sleep aid and takes ozempic even though she doesn't need it. Shes very insecure about her appearance. For the last 2 weeks she has been really strange. Our conversations are short, she doesnt text or snap me as much as she used to. She claims shes busy at work. But in the same sentence will talk about how slow things are. She works in financial aid and its a very laid back environment. I got side tracked... with how strange things have been recently naturally we get into arguments. She says this was a mistake. I tell her this is bullshit. And it came down to me packing my things and I was at the doorstep to leave last Thursday. She cries and begs me to stay. We talk it out and agree to keep trying. Things somewhat normal again but still odd. Now 3 weeks in. We haven't had sex in 3 weeks. Before that we were intimate 4-5 times a week. Now I have always known her phone password and she has always known mine. But the other night, I noticed her password was changed. I saw her input it and the same night I went through her phone. Now at first I found nothing. There's no pictures. No texts. No secrets. But I found out she does have her boss on Snapchat. They exchange cat pictures and thats all. I went through her texts and shes been texting him a lot. Like way more than she texts me. I find out while at work they go on walks around the building and they talk about personal interests. Her video games and books. His TV shows and hockey interests. And the boss jokes about kidnapping her and saving her from her failed marriage. My wife always responds playfully but not past inappropriate. Like flirting but not planning. So I spoke with her and asked her to delete him on snap. She said no we are just friends. She still talks to him a lot and I found out she hasn't been wearing her wedding rings at work for the past month. After talking she says shes wearing her rings again. But I asked her today if she could prove it with a picture she said I'm acting insane. And never sent a picture. Im having a hard time thinking everything is going to be okay when she doesnt want to do anything to give me that reassurance or confidence in this. Now we are somewhat back to normal but there is still no intimacy and physical contact is a minimum. Shes very possessive with her phone and says the conversations between them are just friendly, nothing more. I want to ask her to stop being so involved with her boss on a personal level but I dont want to cause a fight. Again other than flirting there is no evidence that I have found that suggests they are being romantic. The only time she sees him is in the office. But it still bothers me that they continue to talk as much as they do and she doesn't mention me at all apart from early on when she told him we were fighting and he obviously noticed she wasn't wearing her rings. I just feel like shes eventually going to leave me for her boss and im just kind of sitting around until that happens. I have no idea if im just jealous to the point where im driving myself insane or if I should give up and leave. I'll answer any questions you have for clarification. I know this was a bit all over the place. Thank you.
MsJayne Posted October 22 Posted October 22 21 minutes ago, LarryMc said: And the boss jokes about kidnapping her and saving her from her failed marriage. Um, what? Why would he say that? What has she been saying, and how has she been behaving around him, that he thinks this is in any way appropriate? I'd have a big problem with the out-of-work-hours contact, and it's not about jealousy it's about respect. If he's the type of sleaze who flirts with employees she's a fool for encouraging him. The recent change in patterns of intimacy is a big indicator that her attention is on someone else, so you do have reason to be questioning her. I'd be furious, possibly to the point that I'd contact the boss myself and point out that bothering employees outside of work hours is inappropriate, he sounds like he needs the reminder. No doubt this would make her very angry because you'd be treating her like a child and she'd be embarrassed, but she deserves it for being so disloyal and stupid. You asked her to show some respect and stop the BS but now she's being an arrogant a*****e about it and making out like you're being unreasonable, no wonder you got as far as packing your bags. On that point, don't be the one to leave if you own the house.
Author LarryMc Posted October 22 Author Posted October 22 The comment was made after a conversation between her and her girlfriends (jokingly) about whether or not they could fight off a kidnapper. And then it was brought up to him that they had the conversation. And then he made the comment about how he is moving next weekend and could use the help. So he might need to kidnap her so she can help him. They are close friends she says. He is a director there and she is about to get promoted to assistant director.
MsJayne Posted October 22 Posted October 22 4 minutes ago, LarryMc said: The comment was made after a conversation between her and her girlfriends (jokingly) about whether or not they could fight off a kidnapper. And then it was brought up to him that they had the conversation. And then he made the comment about how he is moving next weekend and could use the help. So he might need to kidnap her so she can help him. They are close friends she says. He is a director there and she is about to get promoted to assistant director. All sorts of wrong going on here. If they're such "close friends" why haven't you been included in this friendship? If he's a company director I'm sure he can afford to hire a removal truck, otherwise, trying to get your wife to help him move is his way of getting her alone in his home. The whole scenario makes your wife look really naive and stupid because if she's dumb enough to sleep with her boss she'll more than likely be forced out of her job soon afterwards. If she goes ahead and gives him time out of her weekend that would be the end for me.
Author LarryMc Posted October 22 Author Posted October 22 Yeah thats why I haven't left yet because I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and say this is harmless flirting since she's fishing for a promotion. It makes.me sad and annoys me but I get it. So far she hasn't acted on anything said. She goes to work she comes home from work. We are together anytime she isnt at work. So I havent had to worry about anything. I just wish she would stop talking to him so much. But the last time I brought it up she got really mad and said nothing was going on im just acting crazy.
MsJayne Posted October 22 Posted October 22 2 minutes ago, LarryMc said: she got really mad and said nothing was going on im just acting crazy. No you're not. If she has to suck up to her boss to get a promotion rather than just win a promotion on merit there's something very wrong with that. To me it sounds like he's playing her like a fiddle, flirting with her, promising a promotion when she's only been working for him for five minutes, engineering a situation where they'll be alone. Would he be paying her for her time on the weekend or is she so gullible that she'd do it for free?
ExpatInItaly Posted October 23 Posted October 23 She's playing with fire. You knowi it, and so does she. Messaging that frequently, taking off her wedding ring, distancing herself from you - my guy, there is a big problem here. 5 hours ago, LarryMc said: The comment was made after a conversation between her and her girlfriends (jokingly) about whether or not they could fight off a kidnapper. And then it was brought up to him that they had the conversation. A Yeah, no. That doesn't explain his comment about her "failed marriage." These two have evidently talked about far more in person. She's been telling him things about your marriage, I believe. That specific comment didn't come out of nowhere.
Author LarryMc Posted October 23 Author Posted October 23 (edited) Yeah she is getting paid for working weekends. She works them from home so shes usually sitting next to me in our study. I obviously had to talk to her last night after your feedback. After talking she feels really bad about it, she wasn't thinking about anything other than venting her problems to someone. Hopefully that's sincere and it ends. Edited October 23 by LarryMc
Author LarryMc Posted October 23 Author Posted October 23 Yeah I brought this up with her last night and she said she understands theres no way hes doing that. After a long talk I genuinely think she is just naive and stupid and doesnt see him that way she thinks they're just talking as friends. But she also said she understands how it's making me feel and shes going to stop talking to him outside of work. So we will see how long that lasts. We still have much to work on though. I want to believe her. But the distance thing has been rough. Not physically because she's here every day. But i need attention, I miss us cuddling and all that.
Sanch62 Posted October 23 Posted October 23 16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: That doesn't explain his comment about her "failed marriage." Exactly what I was thinking. It's not appropriate for a boss to comment on ANY subordinate's marriage at all, much less make such a vulgar comment to one who has hidden her wedding ring and won't have sex with her husband.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 24 Posted October 24 19 hours ago, LarryMc said: After a long talk I genuinely think she is just naive and stupid and doesnt see him that way she thinks they're just talking as friends. Oh, Larry. Come on. She is not that stupid. I doubt you would marry a stupid person. I know you want to believ this, but the woman is taking off her wedding ring at work. You need wake up, man. 1
smackie9 Posted October 24 Posted October 24 Stop talking about or blaming the boss. They are not the issue. You need to have a conversation about her behaviour. You make the focus on her accountability. Grow a spine, and stand up to her. 1
Author LarryMc Posted October 29 Author Posted October 29 So an update. Have confirmed no longer wearing rings at work. Texts a lot with othetd but ignores me all day. We had a conversation Saturday. She just kept going to the same reason, Now that shes on prozac she just wants to be alone. I mentioned therapy together. She said yes but when I went to schedule, she said not yet. Sunday I packed my things and moved out of our apartment. I text her a couple times a day, very little if any response. Just kind of in limbo slowly separating. I did everything I could. Said everything i wanted to say. Shes just not herself now. And I want to blame the medicine. But the outcome is the same so, no point. Thank you all for reading and giving your opinions. You've all helped me. 2
Sanch62 Posted October 29 Posted October 29 2 hours ago, LarryMc said: Sunday I packed my things and moved out of our apartment. Good move, but seek legal advice. An attorney is your best friend right now, not in terms of filing anything you don't want to file, but for advice on your options and self-protection. 1
smackie9 Posted October 31 Posted October 31 By the sounds of it, it ain't over yet....I'm certain there will be some drama about to unfold. I'm glad you got out of there and have a safe, comfortable place to just be, clear your head. One day at a time. Let us know if there is anything else you wish to discuss...we are here.
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