What could I do to cope with being in love with one of my closest friends?

[Repentant]

We're both in our mid-thirties and we've been friends for about 7-8 years now, I believe. We met as workmates, I was attracted to her from the start, but did nothing to act on it because I don't like that kind of risk in the workplace. As time went on, we interacted more and more, we got along very well, our relationship grew into a proper friendship, but over the years my feelings also went from infatuation to falling in love with her, to one day realising I fully love her, warts and all.

I did tell her this a few years ago, and she rejected me by saying that she thinks we're too similar for things to work out. This still doesn't really make a lot of sense to me to this day, as that's one of the reasons why I am pretty sure things could be great between us, but I'm hesitant to go down that rabbit hole, so I take her at her word. After that, I felt the need to distance myself from her, which I did for a couple of years (we weren't working together at this point).

I tried to move on, to live my life, I've dated other people since then (nothing stuck), then we ended up reconnecting when she hit a very nasty episode in her life with an abusive ex. I tried to be there for her as a friend, we ended up spending a lot of time together talking and trauma-dumping to each other, and we even both got blackout drunk one night and ended up having sex. I honestly don't remember anything relevant about this incident, only bits and pieces, but it was clear the next day that she wasn't interested in exploring this further. I didn't press.

We continued keeping in touch, meeting up occasionally, although rarer and rarer as, again, my feelings started getting the better of me. Eventually, I even attempted to move to a different city as a sort of reset and restart for a number of reasons unrelated to her, which she didn't take all that well, although she tried to play it cool. Stayed there for a couple of years, but ultimately ended up moving back to the old one, as it wasn't the place for me.

We've been maintaining a very close friendship since I got back, to the point where we're pretty much each other's confidant. I know I'm the only one with whom she discusses a lot of very personal things, and I've shared a lot of mine in turn. Trouble is, I just can't move on from loving her, whatever I try, and besides the fact that it's seemingly still continuing to grow and get heavier and heavier, she's now in a pretty stable relationship. I still try to be there only as a friend, but I'm finding it harder and harder to manage.

I don't know what to do. I know she isn't just using me, because she's been there for me at some of my lowest points so far, she's seen my "ugly" in ways nobody else has. I really don't want to lose her from my life, but I don't know how to cope anymore.

Edited 3 hours ago by Repentant