What could I do to cope with being in love with one of my closest friends?

[Repentant]

We're both in our mid-thirties and we've been friends for about 7-8 years now, I believe. We met as workmates, I was attracted to her from the start, but did nothing to act on it because I don't like that kind of risk in the workplace. As time went on, we interacted more and more, we got along very well, our relationship grew into a proper friendship, but over the years my feelings also went from infatuation to falling in love with her, to one day realising I fully love her, warts and all.

I did tell her this a few years ago, and she rejected me by saying that she thinks we're too similar for things to work out. This still doesn't really make a lot of sense to me to this day, as that's one of the reasons why I am pretty sure things could be great between us, but I'm hesitant to go down that rabbit hole, so I take her at her word. After that, I felt the need to distance myself from her, which I did for a couple of years (we weren't working together at this point).

I tried to move on, to live my life, I've dated other people since then (nothing stuck), then we ended up reconnecting when she hit a very nasty episode in her life with an abusive ex. I tried to be there for her as a friend, we ended up spending a lot of time together talking and trauma-dumping to each other, and we even both got blackout drunk one night and ended up having sex. I honestly don't remember anything relevant about this incident, only bits and pieces, but it was clear the next day that she wasn't interested in exploring this further. I didn't press.

We continued keeping in touch, meeting up occasionally, although rarer and rarer as, again, my feelings started getting the better of me. Eventually, I even attempted to move to a different city as a sort of reset and restart for a number of reasons unrelated to her, which she didn't take all that well, although she tried to play it cool. Stayed there for a couple of years, but ultimately ended up moving back to the old one, as it wasn't the place for me.

We've been maintaining a very close friendship since I got back, to the point where we're pretty much each other's confidant. I know I'm the only one with whom she discusses a lot of very personal things, and I've shared a lot of mine in turn. Trouble is, I just can't move on from loving her, whatever I try, and besides the fact that it's seemingly still continuing to grow and get heavier and heavier, she's now in a pretty stable relationship. I still try to be there only as a friend, but I'm finding it harder and harder to manage.

I don't know what to do. I know she isn't just using me, because she's been there for me at some of my lowest points so far, she's seen my "ugly" in ways nobody else has. I really don't want to lose her from my life, but I don't know how to cope anymore.

Edited October 22 by Repentant

[Gebidozo]

The first thing you need to understand is that it is infatuation.

Of course you love her as a person, you care for her. But your romantic feelings for her are lingering for way too long because you let yourself interrupt the wisely chosen process of distancing. Instead of healing and moving on, you let yourself get entangled again in a very unhealthy relationship.

You say that she isn’t using you. I’m sorry, but in a way, she is. Knowing about your feelings, she shouldn’t have continued to keep such a close connection with you, let alone have sex with you.

I don’t believe in unrequited love. Real love must be reciprocated, because real love is a constant back and forth that grows and develops within a romantic relationship. This infatuation will end badly, unless you decisively distance yourself from her and allow yourself to heal.

The great French composer Hector Berlioz was obsessed with the famous Irish actress Harriet Smithson. She rejected his advances several times. He pursued her for six years, until she eventually agreed to marry him. Berlioz very soon realized that he had loved an idealized image, not the real woman. Here is what he wrote about that marriage:

”We could neither live together nor leave each other and we experienced this dreadful dilemma over the last ten years. We have suffered so much because of each other.”

[Repentant]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply! 

I think I already knew that ending our interactions would be the only way to truly move forward and heal from this. I tried everything else I could possibly think of, even lying to myself, and nothing worked. Hard pill to swallow...

And I get your point about this not being real love, and I agree. It is, at best, partly reciprocated, but nowhere near enough to sustain something well-rounded and well-defined. And, yes, I genuinely do care about her as a person and, while I know her pretty well at this point, it's not the same. Plus, yeah, you also make a good point about being used. Maybe she isn't doing it consciously, but it doesn't make it any better on the receiving end. It has been very confusing, not only for me, but also for other people to whom I've described the situation and have said that she seems to be interacting with me as though we were in a relationship, even though we clearly aren't. 

I'm not looking forward to the split. I don't want to hurt her, and I know she will be hurt. But I genuinely can't keep doing this to myself, as every single time we meet I feel both the spark and the thorns. Now I just have to figure out how to do it gently, I guess.

Thank you once again! 

[Sanch62]

21 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

You say that she isn’t using you. I’m sorry, but in a way, she is. Knowing about your feelings, she shouldn’t have continued to keep such a close connection with you, let alone have sex with you.

I agree. For your own head, I wouldn't make this out to be some kind of tragic breakup. She's already in a relationship. You're the one orbiting. So just stop doing that. Next time she contacts you, you can tell her that you'll always appreciate her friendship, but you're walking away while you both still think highly of one another. If she ever finds herself free and clear of a romantic relationship and wants to pursue that with you, she's welcome to reach out. Otherwise, you wish her the best.

[MsJayne]

When someone doesn't adore you back you have to accept that it wasn't the grand romance that you wanted it to be, and if you keep carrying a torch for this woman you won't even notice when your real grand romance turns up. 

[Repentant]

On 10/24/2025 at 12:00 AM, Sanch62 said:

I agree. For your own head, I wouldn't make this out to be some kind of tragic breakup. She's already in a relationship. You're the one orbiting. So just stop doing that. Next time she contacts you, you can tell her that you'll always appreciate her friendship, but you're walking away while you both still think highly of one another. If she ever finds herself free and clear of a romantic relationship and wants to pursue that with you, she's welcome to reach out. Otherwise, you wish her the best.

Thank you and I apologise for the delay in replying! 

My problem is that, besides the whole "feelings" debacle, we do have a pretty tight friendship. That's the only reason why I feel the need to approach this "gingerly" (for lack of a better word).

As for the orbiting, I genuinely am not. I stopped expecting anything to happen between us the instant she said "no." The problem is that it changes nothing about how I feel. Every time I accepted to reconnect, I did so believing that I was over it and that we could both organically limit it to "friendly," and every time those feelings came back after interacting. Unfortunately, I've yet to figure out how to murder feelings, so distance it must be... And I need to move on, I feel that I simply need to. I don't want a relationship, I want to move on.

[Repentant]

On 10/25/2025 at 1:00 PM, MsJayne said:

When someone doesn't adore you back you have to accept that it wasn't the grand romance that you wanted it to be, and if you keep carrying a torch for this woman you won't even notice when your real grand romance turns up. 

Thank you! 

Oh, thoroughly accepted since I got the "no," and I did my best to move on (i.e. no contact, distance, living my life, etc.) Problem is, she's still the person for whom I've developed those feelings in the first place, so they keep coming back every time after prolonged interactions. Believe me, if those feelings were in any way under my control, I wouldn't have been in this debacle in the first place...

And, yes, that's honestly one of my main reasons why I feel the need to distance myself for good this time, I can tell that this is occupying bandwidth I need for things which would actually lead somewhere.