Male FWB struggles to communicate with F (35).

[ExpatInItaly]

Whatever it was, it sounds like a mismatch. 

You're not compatible for a FWB arrangement, so it's best for both fo you to move on to people better suited to your respective desires.

[ArtieL85]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Whatever it was, it sounds like a mismatch. 

You're not compatible for a FWB arrangement, so it's best for both fo you to move on to people better suited to your respective desires.

Thank you for your responses.  

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, ArtieL85 said:

I don’t know if I can find someone else I haven’t looked yet.  

You're a woman, you can walk outside, and someone will want to have sex with you.  Finding another man to have sex with will never be your problem.  So there's no reason to hang on to this one you're not compatible with.

[Sanch62]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're not compatible for a FWB arrangement,

I agree. The 'F' part of it seems to upset you, so skip it and go for a NSA arrangement. Clarify up front with a potential sex partner what 'no strings attached' means to you, and then you won't be bothered by any pesky friendship stuff.

[FredEire]

7 hours ago, ArtieL85 said:

I only posted the question because I wasn’t sure if I was reading too much into his behaviour.  

I wasn’t sure if he had blurred the lines or I was just reading too much into it.  

According to him he wasn’t offering anything it was just sex which is how I ended up being so confused.  
 

I don’t know if I can find someone else I haven’t looked yet.  
 

If there is one thing that's not in short supply in the world it's men looking to have no strings attached sex. You could go on one of the apps tomorrow and have several guys looking to meet up the same night if you wanted to.

I agree with @ExpatInItaly that FWB isn't working for you. The thing is that sex is fun, satisfying etc but it's also a bonding act, and when you throw in spending time together as "friends" usually at least one of the people involved will start developing feelings. I think when I was looking for that the only time it ever didn't get a bit messy was when I was seeing a bisexual girl who was more into girls but curious about hooking up with guys, when we were hanging out together we just felt like friends, no lingering sexual tension. Every other occasion the meetings got longer and more frequent and suddenly it was a situationship.

I think if you want to avoid this no strings attached really has to mean no strings attached, a booty call basically. If you are both horny and available to meet up, otherwise no contact and no hanging out, for example when your guy asked you to go for a walk in the park you say no, that's not what this is. Based on this case it sounds like that's all you're looking for really, so why not skip the friends bit?

Edited October 23 by FredEire

[S2B]

Since you just seem to want it to be transactional sex… next time you post wh n you are looking - I would state you are looking for a sex buddy.

that makes it clear you don’t want the attachment or emotional aspect of sex.

[ArtieL85]

3 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

I agree. The 'F' part of it seems to upset you, so skip it and go for a NSA arrangement. Clarify up front with a potential sex partner what 'no strings attached' means to you, and then you won't be bothered by any pesky friendship stuff.

Yes but there really is no friendship with a complete stranger off in the internet.  

After 3 meets this bloke said I like you that is way way too soon in my opinion for him to make an assessment like that,  you don’t know me and I don’t know him.  
That is the honest truth!  
Trying to establish a friendship at the same time as having sex doesn’t work.  
 

If you are holding hands,  hanging out and making future plans and texting no stop like this guy how is that not a dating scenario?  
You will have to explain to me how that isn’t dating because it pretty much seems like it!  

That is a scenario of what I call having your cake and eating it!  And I honestly think that is absolute nonsense.  

[ArtieL85]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

If there is one thing that's not in short supply in the world it's men looking to have no strings attached sex. You could go on one of the apps tomorrow and have several guys looking to meet up the same night if you wanted to.

I agree with @ExpatInItaly that FWB isn't working for you. The thing is that sex is fun, satisfying etc but it's also a bonding act, and when you throw in spending time together as "friends" usually at least one of the people involved will start developing feelings. I think when I was looking for that the only time it ever didn't get a bit messy was when I was seeing a bisexual girl who was more into girls but curious about hooking up with guys, when we were hanging out together we just felt like friends, no lingering sexual tension. Every other occasion the meetings got longer and more frequent and suddenly it was a situationship.

I think if you want to avoid this no strings attached really has to mean no strings attached, a booty call basically. If you are both horny and available to meet up, otherwise no contact and no hanging out, for example when your guy asked you to go for a walk in the park you say no, that's not what this is. Based on this case it sounds like that's all you're looking for really, so why not skip the friends bit?

But we weren’t really friends because this person is a stranger to me.  We met a total of 6 times so I don’t really know him at all.  
 

It’s not the walk that got my back up it’s the holding hands and linking arms.  It’s statements like “I think so much of you” and the buying of flowers.  
These are  romantic gestures are they not?  But I don’t want to be treated like someone’s girlfriend when I’m not.  
 

I explained to him I wanted straight sex after the first set of romantic gestures,  and his reply was we can go back to that.  Well in my mind we had never left that!  
The second time he went all romantic we had the chat again so it seems like he just could not do straight sex.  
 

I agree a situation ship is messy I nearly ended up in one before with a previous FWB. So I was keen to avoid it again.  I thought if I communicated clearly with him we would be on the same page.
  In my experience it is the men in these situations that get carried away and they start off saying it’s casual and it becomes anything but.  

[Gebidozo]

54 minutes ago, ArtieL85 said:

Yes but there really is no friendship with a complete stranger off in the internet.  

Then why are you calling this FWB? The F in FWB literally stands for “friend”. If that guy isn’t your friend but a complete stranger off in the internet, then you aren’t friends with benefits, you’re, at most, f*** buddies (FB).

 

54 minutes ago, ArtieL85 said:

Trying to establish a friendship at the same time as having sex doesn’t work.  
 

Of course it does work, that’s how many relationships develop in the first place.

You mean to say that it doesn’t work for you, or doesn’t work for you in this case, with this guy. 

 

54 minutes ago, ArtieL85 said:

That is a scenario of what I call having your cake and eating it!  And I honestly think that is absolute nonsense.  

Absolutely not, this is a scenario of some confusion, some miscommunication, and incompatibility. You’re clearly looking for casual sex only, strictly no strings attached. The guy is clearly looking for at least some level of interaction and connection outside of the bed. You should break it off and get together with someone who is on the same page as you.

The strange part is that you seem to sound a bit outraged about the fact that the guy wants more from this situation than you do. Why? Those are his feelings and his hopes, he is entitled to have them, and he’s doing nothing wrong by communicating them to you. All you need to do if you don’t like it is walk away.

Edited October 24 by Gebidozo

[ArtieL85]

2 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Then why are you calling this FWB? The F in FWB literally stands for “friend”. If that guy isn’t your friend but a complete stranger off in the internet, then you aren’t friends with benefits, you’re, at most, f*** buddies (FB).

 

Of course it does work, that’s how many relationships develop in the first place.

You mean to say that it doesn’t work for you, or doesn’t work for you in this case, with this guy. 

 

Absolutely not, this is a scenario of some confusion, some miscommunication, and incompatibility. You’re clearly looking for casual sex only, strictly no strings attached. The guy is clearly looking for at least some level of interaction and connection outside of the bed. You should break it off and get together with someone who is on the same page as you.

The strange part is that you seem to sound a bit outraged about the fact that the guy wants more from this situation than you do. Why? Those are his feelings and his hopes, he is entitled to have them, and he’s doing nothing wrong by communicating them to you. All you need to do if you don’t like it is walk away.

Then please tell me how having sex and friendship is FWB and not dating or starting a relationship? 
 

I am irritated because in my experience a lot of men ask for casual and when it suited me like with this guy,  I will go for it.  
But then they try and morph it into something else,  somewhere in the middle,  a situation-ship and I think that is a BS scenario and not what was agreed at the beginning.  

He is entitled to his feelings in your opinion but I am not entitled to feel irritated by him trying to steer this somewhere I didn’t want to go.  
 

He didn’t communicate it to me,  he acted like a child when I tried to approach the subject of what was going on.  He tried to shut the conversation down and just kept repeating straight sex.  
So he is mature enough for sex but not mature enough for a conversation.  

[Gebidozo]

20 minutes ago, ArtieL85 said:

Then please tell me how having sex and friendship is FWB and not dating or starting a relationship? 

FWB is when two people are close enough to describe themselves as friends, and also occasionally have sex with each other.

Dating or relationship is when two people decide they are dating and refer to the other as boyfriend / girlfriend.

 

24 minutes ago, ArtieL85 said:

He is entitled to his feelings in your opinion but I am not entitled to feel irritated by him trying to steer this somewhere I didn’t want to go.  

But why would you feel irritated? If you don’t want to go “there” with him, just leave. What’s to be irritated about? It’s a completely normal and common thing that people develop feelings or expect more from a connection that was initially agreed upon. If you don’t like that, there is no need to be mad at him, just walk away.

[basil67]

28 minutes ago, ArtieL85 said:

Then please tell me how having sex and friendship is FWB and not dating or starting a relationship? 
 

I am irritated because in my experience a lot of men ask for casual and when it suited me like with this guy,  I will go for it.  
But then they try and morph it into something else,  somewhere in the middle,  a situation-ship and I think that is a BS scenario and not what was agreed at the beginning.  

He is entitled to his feelings in your opinion but I am not entitled to feel irritated by him trying to steer this somewhere I didn’t want to go.  
 

He didn’t communicate it to me,  he acted like a child when I tried to approach the subject of what was going on.  He tried to shut the conversation down and just kept repeating straight sex.  
So he is mature enough for sex but not mature enough for a conversation.  

The problem I'm seeing here is that you're very binary in approach.   

You appear to have no concept of the fact that people can be complicated...that they can change their minds or even not know what they are feeling.  They may also feel one feeling, but try to deny it if it's not convenient.  Fact is, humans are complicated....and your outrage at him is misplaced because FWB/Sex buddies/whatever you want to call it involves two humans and as such, are prone to complications.

As I said earlier, if you don't have the tolerance for complications, get a sex toy or a male sex worker. 

 

 

 

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, ArtieL85 said:

But we weren’t really friends because this person is a stranger to me.  We met a total of 6 times so I don’t really know him at all.  
 

It’s not the walk that got my back up it’s the holding hands and linking arms.  It’s statements like “I think so much of you” and the buying of flowers.  
These are  romantic gestures are they not?  But I don’t want to be treated like someone’s girlfriend when I’m not.  
 

I explained to him I wanted straight sex after the first set of romantic gestures,  and his reply was we can go back to that.  Well in my mind we had never left that!  
The second time he went all romantic we had the chat again so it seems like he just could not do straight sex.  
 

I agree a situation ship is messy I nearly ended up in one before with a previous FWB. So I was keen to avoid it again.  I thought if I communicated clearly with him we would be on the same page.
  In my experience it is the men in these situations that get carried away and they start off saying it’s casual and it becomes anything but.  

So don't let him? Don't hold hands, don't go to the park. I think if you are looking for straight transactional sex you have to be more strict about what it is.

Also it really reads like you hold him in contempt for catching feelings. It happens, he's not doing anything "wrong", but you can just let him down gently when you start veering outside of what you feel comfortable with.

It's not very hard to find a man who wants to have casual sex and I'd venture it's not that difficult either to find a guy who will stick to that. I just think if that's what you want to do you need to cut out even chats or regular communication unless it's about meeting for a hookup, there's no need for it.

[Sanch62]

4 hours ago, ArtieL85 said:

Yes but there really is no friendship with a complete stranger off in the internet.  

After 3 meets this bloke said I like you that is way way too soon in my opinion for him to make an assessment like that,  you don’t know me and I don’t know him.  
That is the honest truth!  
Trying to establish a friendship at the same time as having sex doesn’t work.  
 

If you are holding hands,  hanging out and making future plans and texting no stop like this guy how is that not a dating scenario?  
You will have to explain to me how that isn’t dating because it pretty much seems like it!  

That is a scenario of what I call having your cake and eating it!  And I honestly think that is absolute nonsense.  

Not sure why you're asking me any of this after I agreed with you that you don't need to deal with anything you don't want to.

I raised NSA sex as an option. I didn't mean with this guy.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your angry attitude has probably turned hm off by now, so you have nothing to worry about. 

But in the future, do a little self-relfection. He wasnì't the only one trying to have his cake and eat it too. And maybe get some advice about healing the chip on your shoulder.

It reads a lot more to me that you have caught feelings yourself and are getting mad that he is distancing himself from you now that you pressed him on it. 

 

Edited October 24 by ExpatInItaly

[ArtieL85]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

The problem I'm seeing here is that you're very binary in approach.   

You appear to have no concept of the fact that people can be complicated...that they can change their minds or even not know what they are feeling.  They may also feel one feeling, but try to deny it if it's not convenient.  Fact is, humans are complicated....and your outrage at him is misplaced because FWB/Sex buddies/whatever you want to call it involves two humans and as such, are prone to complications.

As I said earlier, if you don't have the tolerance for complications, get a sex toy or a male sex worker. 

 

 

 

I know people are complex that is why in any relationship communication is key.  
 

[ArtieL85]

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Your angry attitude has probably turned hm off by now, so you have nothing to worry about. 

But in the future, do a little self-relfection. He wasnì't the only one trying to have his cake and eat it too. And maybe get some advice about healing the chip on your shoulder.

It reads a lot more to me that you have caught feelings yourself and are getting mad that he is distancing himself from you now that you pressed him on it. 

 

Please don’t make statements about any chips on my shoulder you don’t know me as a person at all.  
I admit I am slow to trust but like I said he is a stranger to me that I met on a hookup site.  I will keep him  at arms length emotionally until I am sure about him.    
That is just how I work!  

I do not have feelings for him but I admit his gestures and statements were confusing for me.  
I already pointed out that I am moving abroad so wanted zero confusion.  
 

Having to find someone else is inconvenient for me I admit.  

[ExpatInItaly]

50 minutes ago, ArtieL85 said:

lease don’t make statements about any chips on my shoulder you don’t know me as a person at all.

I am telling you how you come across here. And if you communicate with him in a similar manner, it likely comes across way to him, too. It would be off-putting. 

51 minutes ago, ArtieL85 said:

I admit I am slow to trust but like I said he is a stranger to me that I met on a hookup site

What else do you need to trust him with? You say all you want is sex and you obviously already trust him enough to have sex with him. 

 

52 minutes ago, ArtieL85 said:

I will keep him  at arms length emotionally until I am sure about him.  

Sure about him...for what? Don't you only want sex? I am not sure what emotion has to do with it if you only want sex and nothing more. 

53 minutes ago, ArtieL85 said:

I do not have feelings for him

Are you sure about that? It sure doesn't seem like it. 

[ArtieL85]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am telling you how you come across here. And if you communicate with him in a similar manner, it likely comes across way to him, too. It would be off-putting. 

What else do you need to trust him with? You say all you want is sex and you obviously already trust him enough to have sex with him. 

 

Sure about him...for what? Don't you only want sex? I am not sure what emotion has to do with it if you only want sex and nothing more. 

Are you sure about that? It sure doesn't seem like it. 

Have you ever been on a hookup site?  There are a lot of very abusive men some when you don’t put out threaten to physically harm you.  
 

Yes I want sex but I don’t want to receive abuse about that.  
So when I start hooking up with someone I am very cautious in case this person is a bit crazy and threatens to  hurt me. 
 

Sorry sure that this person is safe enough to firstly know my name and secondly eventually maybe come to my house and know my address.  
 

I meant I would keep anyone at arms length that I met over the internet even if it was for dating.  

He was quite open talking about his life,  his family,  his work,  his previous issues with relationships.  I am not going to go into any personal details about me with someone I don’t know.  Plus it wasn’t necessary for the arrangement I thought we were having.  
I would need trust to do that,  which I don’t have with anyone from a hookup site.  It could grow but I need time for that.  
I won’t invite someone to my house either which he kept bringing up,  that again requires trust which isn’t there for me.  
 

 

Yes I wanted just physical it became clear to me quite early on that this person wanted something more blurred in my opinion maybe a situation-ship.  I don’t see the benefit in that for me.  
 

I don’t think we were on the same page from the start . 
He has  actually reached out so I haven’t put him off as much as you claim but I have stated that we want different things so that’s that.  

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, ArtieL85 said:

Have you ever been on a hookup site?  There are a lot of very abusive men some when you don’t put out threaten to physically harm you.  

Of course. It's nherently risky and precisely why I don't use such sites or apps. I wouldn''t trust a stranger enough to let him physically be inside me. Not giving our your name and address is smart, obviously, but will not protect you from abuse during an encounter. You're putting yourself in an extemely vulnerable position there to begin with. 

Anyway,  it sounds like you can both move on. He's not suited to you and you're not suited to him. 

Edited October 24 by ExpatInItaly

[ArtieL85]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Of course. It's nherently risky and precisely why I don't use such sites or apps. I wouldn''t trust a stranger enough to let him physically be inside me. Not giving our your name and address is smart, obviously, but will not protect you from abuse during an encounter. You're putting yourself in an extemely vulnerable position there to begin with. 

Anyway,  it sounds like you can both move on. He's not suited to you and you're not suited to him. 

Thank you for your comments, you have given me a lot to think about and consider.  X 

[stillafool]

On 10/21/2025 at 12:59 PM, ArtieL85 said:

I tried to have a discussion with him about boundaries to check that we were on the same page.

Since this was only a FWB set up and you had already told him twice that he was stepping over boundaries why would you need yet another conversation with him about this rather than just moving on to another guy?  It should have been obvious that he was crossing the line and not abiding by the agreement.  Now you are worried that you were too harsh with him and ruined the FWB thing.   I think you too are more involved emotionally with him than you're willing to admit.  If you weren't there would be no anger displayed about this, you'd be completely indifferent and couldn't wait to move on from him.  In the future you should tell men you just want a "f*** buddy".  That makes it very clear to them.

[ArtieL85]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Since this was only a FWB set up and you had already told him twice that he was stepping over boundaries why would you need yet another conversation with him about this rather than just moving on to another guy?  It should have been obvious that he was crossing the line and not abiding by the agreement.  Now you are worried that you were too harsh with him and ruined the FWB thing.   I think you too are more involved emotionally with him than you're willing to admit.  If you weren't there would be no anger displayed about this, you'd be completely indifferent and couldn't wait to move on from him.  In the future you should tell men you just want a "f*** buddy".  That makes it very clear to them.

Sorry I only discussed this with him twice.  
 

The second time I was more forceful about it.  
 

Not emotionally invested just don’t want to have to go through the experience of a hookup site again.  Most of the men are incredibly abusive and threaten physical violence when you don’t put out.  
 

I already admitted in a previous post searching for another f*** buddy would have been and is inconvenient for me.  

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, ArtieL85 said:

Not emotionally invested just don’t want to have to go through the experience of a hookup site again.  Most of the men are incredibly abusive and threaten physical violence when you don’t put out.  

How long have you been using this site, and how many times has this happened to you? 

[ArtieL85]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How long have you been using this site, and how many times has this happened to you? 

I came off this particular site because I found this man we have been discussing and I was quite relieved.  I was only on there for a week and was inundated with messages but most of them were quite grim.  
The threatening of physical violence has happened twice and there is so much derogatory name calling such as “b****”,  “slut”,  “slag” and “whore”.  
It was an eye opening experience for all the wrong reasons.  
 

Not sure I will bother going through all of that again.