ArtieL85 Posted October 21 Posted October 21 I am confused regarding an FWB relationship that I have been in since August. We meet about once a week for sex. His behaviour has had me very confused and I am worried that I have come down on him too hard and things are ruined between us. It started after he stated that he liked me, he has told me this on numerous occasions but wouldn’t elaborate if it was FWB or more. He was texting me a lot and serenading me with voice messages. I went away and he said he missed me, I said you mean missed sex and he said no, I like you, I missed you. But again when I pressed him to explain he shuts down. We are very different but he stated that opposites attract. There are so many times when he has told me I make him smile, he loves my company. He even started asking about Christmas plans. We went for a walk and he was holding my hand and he bought me flowers. I tried to have a discussion with him about boundaries to check that we were on the same page. He just replies with I understand straight sex, I have got it. He joked last time we met that he thinks I don’t really like him, even though I have told him I am fond of him and he has many admirable qualities. After this discussion he is quite distant which makes me think that maybe bringing it up was a mistake and I may have hurt his feelings. When I ask him this he says no. I am confused by his behaviour and asking him won’t bring me any clarification as it appears he struggles to communicate. I just wondered if I good get another perspective on his behaviour maybe from a male. I usually try to go with the flow in FWB’s but they have ended in a mess and I did not want that again.
flitzanu Posted October 21 Posted October 21 your arrangement is to meet and have sex, and you want this to turn into a relationship and that's not how it works. he's not being distant because he is caught up in emotion, he's being distant because you're trying to complicate the arrangement to meet and have sex. 2
stillafool Posted October 21 Posted October 21 Why do you continue to press him about the meaning of "I like you?" Don't you like him too? Most people who are FWBs at least like each other or they wouldn't be having sex. You sound like you are pressing him to say he wants a relationship with you. Maybe that is why he's backing off. Just because you are sex buddies doesn't mean you can't be nice or do nice things for each other.
Author ArtieL85 Posted October 21 Author Posted October 21 In all honesty I don’t think it’s necessary for the arrangement,. Emotions of miss you shouldn’t be mentioned. As asking my plans for Christmas it’s not his business. I don’t find that to be acceptable. You can call anything casual, it is up to me if I agree and I don’t. I asked him specifically what does an FWB relationship look like to you and again silence. Asking for boundaries and clarification isn’t a crime. I value good communication and honesty and this person doesn’t have those qualities. Like I said maybe I neee someone who when I ask questions can actually give an answer.
Sony12 Posted October 21 Posted October 21 If you feel like you are developing feelings for him it's probably best to end the FWB arrangement. You are arranging to meet for sex and if you are starting to want more than that you need to tell him that this casual arrangement you two have is no longer working for you. 2
stillafool Posted October 21 Posted October 21 2 hours ago, ArtieL85 said: In all honesty I don’t think it’s necessary for the arrangement,. Emotions of miss you shouldn’t be mentioned. Then you should tell him this so he doesn't do it again. You can also state you don't want any other interaction except for sex. It's okay to set your boundaries. 2 hours ago, ArtieL85 said: I asked him specifically what does an FWB relationship look like to you and again silence. This should have been established at the beginning before it started. He's probably hesitant to say now for fear of hurting your feelings. 2 hours ago, ArtieL85 said: I value good communication and honesty and this person doesn’t have those qualities. Like I said maybe I neee someone who when I ask questions can actually give an answer. If you feel he doesn't have the qualities you're seeking in a FWB you would be right to end it and not waste anymore of your time or his. It's good you've only been seeing him since August which should make this easy to move on from for you.
S2B Posted October 21 Posted October 21 Emotions shouldn’t be involved… at all! I always refer to this scenario as a “sex buddy” IF you intend to change the dynamics then say so! Otherwise keep quiet about emotions and just have sex!
Alpacalia Posted October 22 Posted October 22 People can enjoy having sex with someone and also genuinely like their company, laugh together, share little moments, and even show affection without it automatically meaning they want a committed relationship. That’s the tricky part with FWB situations: the lines can blur. Sometimes it’s just companionship plus sex, sometimes it grows into more, and sometimes it stays in that in‑between space. The other part of it is that they can say and do these things to keep the sex part. Normally I'd say to say that his behavior is giving you mixed signals and that you want to understand whether this is just fun for him or if he's open to something more. But as you can see, you kind of already did and he won't elaborate if it was FWB or more. When someone consistently avoids clarifying, even after you’ve asked directly, that silence is an answer in itself. It usually means they’re comfortable with things staying as they are. Wanting clarification makes sense because he's blurred the lines himself. Holding your hand, buying flowers, talking about holidays, and saying he misses you, that goes beyond a typical FWB setup. It’s only natural that you’d want to know what those gestures mean. This will continue to remain confusing for you as long as you keep letting him set the tone. You have to draw that line and tell him to tone it down with the romantic gestures. Otherwise, he’s creating expectations, and that keeps you stuck in confusion.
Sanch62 Posted October 22 Posted October 22 9 hours ago, ArtieL85 said: I usually try to go with the flow in FWB’s but they have ended in a mess and I did not want that again. It might be helpful to clarify for yourself why you pursue FWB's. Some people tend to emphasize the friendship while others are strictly focused on the benefits. Still others fall somewhere between. Where do you stand on this, and what bothers you about this guy's behaviors if he considers himself just being warm to the friendship part of this? Another good thing to clarify for yourself is whether FWB's raise any hopes in you that these might somehow convert into relationships--or the opposite--whether you hold any fears of someone wanting that from you. If neither is true, why would someone treating you well and telling you they like you raise concerns? In what ways did your prior FWB's turn out messy? I mean, most FWB's are temporary, so they need to end somehow. Many people don't handle endings very well, so yes, they often do make a mess that is easier to walk away from.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 22 Posted October 22 11 hours ago, ArtieL85 said: I tried to have a discussion with him about boundaries to check that we were on the same page. And what page do you want to be on with him? It's not clear to me if you want only FWB or if you actually like him more. You are pressing him for details, but have you offered any yourself, in ters of how you see him? 11 hours ago, ArtieL85 said: I went away and he said he missed me, I said you mean missed sex and he said no, I like you, I missed you. But again when I pressed him to explain he shuts down. We are very different but he stated that opposites attract. There are so many times when he has told me I make him smile, he loves my company. So, have you ever expressed the same sentiments to him? Beyond telling him you're fond of him and he has admirable qualities, I mean. I suppose I am reading this a bit differently. I don't blame you for wanting clarification from him, but I am not sure you have been very clear yourself either. 1 1
Author ArtieL85 Posted October 22 Author Posted October 22 16 hours ago, Sanch62 said: Where do you stand on this, and what bothers you about this guy's behaviors if he considers himself just being warm to the friendship part of this? I don’t see him as a friend, he was a complete stranger to me before we met. We are trying to establish a friendship now as well as being physically intimate. The friendship in FWB situations I think are very loose because really they aren’t a true friend. It is a transactional arrangement to satisfy a need. If neither is true, why would someone treating you well and telling you they like you raise concerns? I don’t find that behaviour to be treating me well. It is misleading, it blurs lines, it complicates things. I am moving to another country next year and he knows this I was upfront about it in the beginning. I don’t want to have any complications in the meantime only physical intimacy. On 10/21/2025 at 5:59 PM, ArtieL85 said:
Author ArtieL85 Posted October 22 Author Posted October 22 15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: And what page do you want to be on with him? It's not clear to me if you want only FWB or if you actually like him more. You are pressing him for details, but have you offered any yourself, in ters of how you see him? So, have you ever expressed the same sentiments to him? Beyond telling him you're fond of him and he has admirable qualities, I mean. I suppose I am reading this a bit differently. I don't blame you for wanting clarification from him, but I am not sure you have been very clear yourself either. I only want basically no strings attached physical intimacy with this man. I can’t say anymore than I have because I don’t feel that way about it. It is true he does have some admirable traits but there is a lot I do not like about him. I have not voiced this for fear of being hurtful. We are very different hence being taken aback when he made the statement “opposites attract” because in my opinion they don’t. Maybe he only wants a really good friend but I don’t see him as a friend. He was a stranger to me when we met, so there is no solid friendship there. Friendship takes time to develop for me and I have only met this person six times so a solid friendship and trust is not there.
basil67 Posted October 22 Posted October 22 (edited) Seems as plain as day that this guy has feelings for you, but you don't feel the same way. It's so clear, that I can't understand why you're pressing him for answers. And of course he's going to dodge those answers. You're going to have to cut him off. But given that this situation of a messy FWB is not new to you, perhaps you need to rethink whether they are something worth doing. Get yourself some good toys. Or a sex worker. Either one leaves you without the drama and saves a bunch of disappointed men from being left in your wake. Edited October 22 by basil67 2 1
Els Posted October 22 Posted October 22 On 10/22/2025 at 4:54 AM, ArtieL85 said: In all honesty I don’t think it’s necessary for the arrangement,. Emotions of miss you shouldn’t be mentioned. As asking my plans for Christmas it’s not his business. I don’t find that to be acceptable. You can call anything casual, it is up to me if I agree and I don’t. I asked him specifically what does an FWB relationship look like to you and again silence. Asking for boundaries and clarification isn’t a crime. I value good communication and honesty and this person doesn’t have those qualities. Like I said maybe I neee someone who when I ask questions can actually give an answer. FWIW, I agree with you. If a person isn't mature enough to be having a basic conversation about boundaries and emotions, do you still want to be having sex with them? I feel like there's too many ways that this can go wrong. 1 1
Author ArtieL85 Posted October 22 Author Posted October 22 On 10/21/2025 at 6:58 PM, flitzanu said: your arrangement is to meet and have sex, and you want this to turn into a relationship and that's not how it works. he's not being distant because he is caught up in emotion, he's being distant because you're trying to complicate the arrangement to meet and have sex. I just don’t understand how I am complicating things asking for boundaries and clarification of the arrangement? When he is serenading me with Lionel Richie “Stuck on you” and buying flowers and asking about future plans! That behaviour is erratic in my opinion.
FredEire Posted October 22 Posted October 22 15 minutes ago, ArtieL85 said: I just don’t understand how I am complicating things asking for boundaries and clarification of the arrangement? When he is serenading me with Lionel Richie “Stuck on you” and buying flowers and asking about future plans! That behaviour is erratic in my opinion. I think fitzanu might have got it the wrong way round, but its still the same issue. One of you wants a relationship and the other doesnt see it that way. Usually that means its time to cut things off.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 23 Posted October 23 8 hours ago, ArtieL85 said: I only want basically no strings attached physical intimacy with this man. Okay, so what is the problem, exactly? Why do you keep trying to ask him about his feelings? Cut it off with him. You sound rsther hostile about all of it, so obviously this is not worth contiinuing.
Author ArtieL85 Posted October 23 Author Posted October 23 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Okay, so what is the problem, exactly? Why do you keep trying to ask him about his feelings? Cut it off with him. You sound rsther hostile about all of it, so obviously this is not worth contiinuing. Because I told him no strings attached, when he texts a lot, buys flowers and tries to make future plans that isn’t what I am asking for. Those behaviours suggest attachment as well as statements like I like you and miss you. I don’t want that I couldn’t be more clear in what I have told him I want. I asked him his feelings to make sure we were on the same page as I don’t think we are. I don’t believe in having friendship and sex with someone as that is basically dating and the people involved are not emotionally available enough or can be vulnerable enough to admit it.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 23 Posted October 23 2 hours ago, ArtieL85 said: Those behaviours suggest attachment as well as statements like I like you and miss you. I don’t want that I couldn’t be more clear in what I have told him I want. Then why are you still having sex with him? That doesn't make much sense. I would have cut it off and not repeatedly pressed him for answers. If I knew I didn't want what he was offering, I wouldn't still be wasting my time with him. Why are you? 1
Author ArtieL85 Posted October 23 Author Posted October 23 26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Then why are you still having sex with him? That doesn't make much sense. I would have cut it off and not repeatedly pressed him for answers. If I knew I didn't want what he was offering, I wouldn't still be wasting my time with him. Why are you? Hang on I do not have to accept what he is offering. I can say no and put boundaries in place and state my expectations which is what I have done. The only reason I ended up pressing him is because I tried to start a conversation about his behaviour and it was clear that he wanted to shut it down very fast. He is uncomfortable around any discussion of this kind. Since all this has happened I haven’t seen him and we probably won’t again. As I stated my communication style is straight forward, his is avoidant so that isn’t going to work.
stillafool Posted October 23 Posted October 23 5 hours ago, ArtieL85 said: Since all this has happened I haven’t seen him and we probably won’t again. Hopefully you won't see him again and he moves on to someone who wants what he wants, and you can find a man who isn't looking for a girlfriend but only sex. You shouldn't have a problem finding that. How old is he?
Author ArtieL85 Posted October 23 Author Posted October 23 27 minutes ago, stillafool said: Hopefully you won't see him again and he moves on to someone who wants what he wants, and you can find a man who isn't looking for a girlfriend but only sex. You shouldn't have a problem finding that. How old is he? He is 46. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 23 Posted October 23 5 hours ago, ArtieL85 said: Hang on I do not have to accept what he is offering. Huh? I never said you did. I invite you to re-read my post because it seems you don't understand. Let me put it more simply: if you don't want what he is offering, stop seeing him and having sex with him. Easy. 6 hours ago, ArtieL85 said: I can say no and put boundaries in place and state my expectations which is what I have done. Again, I don't see where anyone said you can't or shouldn't. But since you already know you don't want what he wants, having more conversations and contiuing to have sex with him makes no sense. You can find someeone else for sex, can't you? 6 hours ago, ArtieL85 said: Since all this has happened I haven’t seen him and we probably won’t again. As I stated my communication style is straight forward, his is avoidant so that isn’t going to work. It's not, and it's for the best that you two forget this arrangement. He doesn't seem interested in continuing with you at this point either, so it's even easier to shut the door.
Author ArtieL85 Posted October 23 Author Posted October 23 8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Huh? I never said you did. I invite you to re-read my post because it seems you don't understand. Let me put it more simply: if you don't want what he is offering, stop seeing him and having sex with him. Easy. Again, I don't see where anyone said you can't or shouldn't. But since you already know you don't want what he wants, having more conversations and contiuing to have sex with him makes no sense. You can find someeone else for sex, can't you? It's not, and it's for the best that you two forget this arrangement. He doesn't seem interested in continuing with you at this point either, so it's even easier to shut the door. I only posted the question because I wasn’t sure if I was reading too much into his behaviour. I wasn’t sure if he had blurred the lines or I was just reading too much into it. According to him he wasn’t offering anything it was just sex which is how I ended up being so confused. I don’t know if I can find someone else I haven’t looked yet.
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