Male FWB struggles to communicate with F (35).

[ArtieL85]

I am confused regarding an FWB relationship that I have been in since August.
We meet about once a week for sex.
 

His behaviour has had me very confused and I am worried that I have come down on him too hard and things are ruined between us.
It started after he stated that he liked me, he has told me this on numerous occasions but wouldn’t elaborate if it was FWB or more.
He was texting me a lot and serenading me with voice messages.
I went away and he said he missed me, I said you mean missed sex and he said no, I like you, I missed you. But again when I pressed him to explain he shuts down. We are very different but he stated that opposites attract.
There are so many times when he has told me I make him smile, he loves my company.
He even started asking about Christmas plans. We went for a walk and he was holding my hand and he bought me flowers.

I tried to have a discussion with him about boundaries to check that we were on the same page. He just replies with I understand straight sex, I have got it. He joked last time we met that he thinks I don’t really like him, even though I have told him I am fond of him and he has many admirable qualities.

After this discussion he is quite distant which makes me think that maybe bringing it up was a mistake and I may have hurt his feelings.
When I ask him this he says no. I am confused by his behaviour and asking him won’t bring me any clarification as it appears he struggles to communicate.
I just wondered if I good get another perspective on his behaviour maybe from a male. I usually try to go with the flow in FWB’s but they have ended in a mess and I did not want that again.

[flitzanu]

your arrangement is to meet and have sex, and you want this to turn into a relationship and that's not how it works.

he's not being distant because he is caught up in emotion, he's being distant because you're trying to complicate the arrangement to meet and have sex.

[stillafool]

Why do you continue to press him about the meaning of  "I like you?"  Don't you like him too?  Most people who are FWBs at least like each other or they wouldn't be having sex.  You sound like you are pressing him to say he wants a relationship with you.  Maybe that is why he's backing off.  Just because you are sex buddies doesn't mean you can't be nice or do nice things for each other.

[ArtieL85]

In all honesty I don’t think it’s necessary for the arrangement,. Emotions  of miss you shouldn’t be mentioned.  As asking my plans for Christmas it’s not his business.  
I don’t find that to be acceptable.  
You can call anything casual,  it is up to me if I agree and I don’t.  I asked him specifically what does an FWB relationship look like to you and again silence.  
Asking for boundaries and clarification isn’t a crime.  I value good communication and honesty and this person doesn’t have those qualities.  
Like I said maybe I neee someone who when I ask questions can actually give an answer.  

[Sony12]

If you feel like you are developing feelings for him it's probably best to end the FWB arrangement. You are arranging to meet for sex and if you are starting to want more than that you need to tell him that this casual arrangement you two have is no longer working for you.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, ArtieL85 said:

In all honesty I don’t think it’s necessary for the arrangement,. Emotions  of miss you shouldn’t be mentioned.

Then you should tell him this so he doesn't do it again.  You can also state you don't want any other interaction except for sex.  It's okay to set your boundaries.

 

2 hours ago, ArtieL85 said:

 I asked him specifically what does an FWB relationship look like to you and again silence.  

This should have been established at the beginning before it started.  He's probably hesitant to say now for fear of hurting your feelings.

 

2 hours ago, ArtieL85 said:

I value good communication and honesty and this person doesn’t have those qualities.  
Like I said maybe I neee someone who when I ask questions can actually give an answer.  

If you feel he doesn't have the qualities you're seeking in a FWB you would be right to end it and not waste anymore of your time or his.  It's good you've only been seeing him since August which should make this easy to move on from for you.

[ArtieL85]

Thank you for your replies.  
 

 

[S2B]

Emotions shouldn’t be involved… at all!

I always refer to this scenario as a “sex buddy”

IF you intend to change the dynamics then say so! Otherwise keep quiet about emotions and just have sex! 

[Alpacalia]

People can enjoy having sex with someone and also genuinely like their company, laugh together, share little moments, and even show affection without it automatically meaning they want a committed relationship.

That’s the tricky part with FWB situations: the lines can blur. Sometimes it’s just companionship plus sex, sometimes it grows into more, and sometimes it stays in that in‑between space.

The other part of it is that they can say and do these things to keep the sex part.

Normally I'd say to say that his behavior is giving you mixed signals and that you want to understand whether this is just fun for him or if he's open to something more. But as you can see, you kind of already did and he won't elaborate if it was FWB or more.

When someone consistently avoids clarifying, even after you’ve asked directly, that silence is an answer in itself. It usually means they’re comfortable with things staying as they are.

Wanting clarification makes sense because he's blurred the lines himself. Holding your hand, buying flowers, talking about holidays, and saying he misses you, that goes beyond a typical FWB setup. It’s only natural that you’d want to know what those gestures mean.

This will continue to remain confusing for you as long as you keep letting him set the tone. You have to draw that line and tell him to tone it down with the romantic gestures.

Otherwise, he’s creating expectations, and that keeps you stuck in confusion.

[Sanch62]

9 hours ago, ArtieL85 said:

I usually try to go with the flow in FWB’s but they have ended in a mess and I did not want that again.

It might be helpful to clarify for yourself why you pursue FWB's. Some people tend to emphasize the friendship while others are strictly focused on the benefits. Still others fall somewhere between. Where do you stand on this, and what bothers you about this guy's behaviors if he considers himself just being warm to the friendship part of this?

Another good thing to clarify for yourself is whether FWB's raise any hopes in you that these might somehow convert into relationships--or the opposite--whether you hold any fears of someone wanting that from you. If neither is true, why would someone treating you well and telling you they like you raise concerns?

In what ways did your prior FWB's turn out messy? I mean, most FWB's are temporary, so they need to end somehow. Many people don't handle endings very well, so yes, they often do make a mess that is easier to walk away from.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, ArtieL85 said:

I tried to have a discussion with him about boundaries to check that we were on the same page.

And what page do you want to be on with him? It's not clear to me if you want only FWB or if you actually like him more. You are pressing him for details, but have you offered any yourself, in ters of how you see him? 

11 hours ago, ArtieL85 said:

I went away and he said he missed me, I said you mean missed sex and he said no, I like you, I missed you. But again when I pressed him to explain he shuts down. We are very different but he stated that opposites attract.
There are so many times when he has told me I make him smile, he loves my company.

So, have you ever expressed the same sentiments to him?  Beyond telling him you're fond of him and he has admirable qualities, I mean. 

I suppose I am reading  this a bit differently. I don't blame you for wanting clarification from him,  but I am not sure you have been very clear yourself either.