I don't think my girlfriend loves me (sincerely)

[hopelessromantic1996]

I met my girlfriend at our job. When she first started working with us, she was still in a relationship with another man. I will refer to him as Ryan. Ryan is significantly older than either of us at nearly 40 y/o and was her first boyfriend. The breakup wasn’t pretty, since the relationship had become totally toxic, and, for some time after, she was a total mess. Since we were already friends I tried to do what I could to comfort her, we had a lot of deep conversations and nights where we would just watch stupid movies to keep her mind off things… and, well, eventually something else bloomed from that. We have been officially together for about six months now.

For the most part things have been going great. As in, we go on lovely dates, do things we both enjoy doing, and she tells me she loves me all the time. If I believe her or go off what she explicitly communicates to me about our relationship, I would be totally confident in our relationship and her feelings for me. In the past couple of weeks however something feels off and I can’t say what or why. Or whether the things I see are really there or figments of my imagination (insecurity maybe?). The thing is this, sometimes, when we are on dates or even when we are physically intimate (we have only been sexually active together for about a week) I will catch her looking at me a certain way or going quiet all of a sudden and it makes me feel high strung and nervous. For example, the first time we had sex she would not look at me for longer than two seconds and once I finished, she left. She said she was going to go on a walk with her dog (and said I didn’t have to when I suggested coming along). I thought, what is up with that.

I have asked her time and again if something is the matter, if there is something I am doing wrong/not seeing, and all she’ll say is that nothing’s wrong and that I shouldn’t worry so much. The same scenario kind of unfolds in different ways. She can be very short and dry with me when we are apart (e.g. when I call/text while she is out with her friends she has told me before to leave her alone, straight up), never sends sweet messages (which I put in effort to do, because I want her to wake up to something cute and feel happy), never plans any dates, or takes initiative to try a certain activity together,… There are no arguments on top of that because she just… avoids saying anything that goes against the (my) grain. I remember this time I wanted to be open about my feelings being hurt, she had been cross with me over the phone while she was out, and there was no conversation that followed. She didn’t ask questions or express empathy or whatever. No explanation. She just apologizes and that’s it. We move on. It happens again. I try not to think this way but sometimes I think she just doesn’t care enough to bother engaging with me.

Now all along some sick voice in my head has said that she just doesn’t love me. That she’s insincere in what she says to me. Another one is just totally fixated on Ryan. I found out she still has pictures of him/them on her laptop and that she looked him up a couple of days ago (on the book of faces). I wasn’t snooping, BTW, the tabs were open when I used her laptop to order food. There were pics of them in their old apartment and with their dog (which they co-parent, as she calls it, so they see each other briefly every week to bring the dog). She has been honest that he was her first romantic partner and formed a lot of her preferences and such, upon which I have even tried to act. She told me, for example (before we became a couple), that they would often dance in the kitchen and that she really liked that. I have tried to be romantic by doing the same but it seems like she just pretends to enjoy it with me, only does it to not offend me, or something. Same with some sexual acts.  

Any advice, suggestions? If you've had something similar happen, what did you do? Besides break up, if possible. I do love her and want to put in the work necessary.

[ShyViolet]

She is not that into you.  From everything you describe it's pretty clear.  At only 6 months of dating there shouldn't be this nagging feeling that the relationship isn't right and her behavior is so cold and distant.  The best thing you can do is just let her go.  This isn't going to get better.  If she's just not that into you, there's nothing you can do to change that.  It sounds like you have already tried as much as you can.

[MsJayne]

Let's talk about the shared dog. One or both of them are using the dog as an excuse to maintain contact. I get that people become attached to animals, but shared custody of a pet is usually just a way of staying in someone's life. As long as she and her ex are in each others lives neither of them will truly move on with someone new because they're still doing the toxic dance even though they're not together. My advice is to end the relationship, the person you're describing disregards and dismisses your feelings, and that's a potential warning sign of why her last relationship turned toxic. Have you considered that she may in fact have been the unpleasant one in that partnership? That maybe she gave him the same rude, offhand treatment you've experienced? If you must persevere with her, stop doing the kitchen dancing, don't try to be him. 

[hopelessromantic1996]

4 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Have you considered that she may in fact have been the unpleasant one in that partnership? That maybe she gave him the same rude, offhand treatment you've experienced?

What went wrong with her ex is that he would be too mean, too "cruelly honest" as she puts it, and that he put in no effort to do things with her. He was too controlling, on top of that - telling her not to go out with her friends, and stay in with him instead, as well as being openly malicious to male friends she had. She ended it with him because he said he didn't want to change. That's another thing I don't get -- I am... none of those things. I am happy when she's happy. I take initiative to do things we both enjoy together and spend quality time. I would never tell her to do/not do certain things. One, because I'm not like that, never have been, never will be; two, because I know that would make her feel unhappy.
And yet.

[Gebidozo]

You say that your girlfriend’s ex was her first. That explains a lot. Inexperienced people, especially young women, often fall for toxic, controlling men like like that ex. Such men can be charming and superficially very attractive, and the women lack experience to see beyond the glamorous surface

It looks like she is still enthralled by her ex. You can’t just sit and hope that eventually she’ll figure out that you’re a better man than him. Rebound relationships rarely work precisely because usually people need a little more time to get over their exes and be truly emotionally available for a new relationship.

[MsJayne]

2 hours ago, hopelessromantic1996 said:

What went wrong with her ex is that he would be too mean, too "cruelly honest" as she puts it, and that he put in no effort to do things with her. He was too controlling, on top of that - telling her not to go out with her friends, and stay in with him instead, as well as being openly malicious to male friends she had. She ended it with him because he said he didn't want to change. That's another thing I don't get -- I am... none of those things. I am happy when she's happy. I take initiative to do things we both enjoy together and spend quality time. I would never tell her to do/not do certain things. One, because I'm not like that, never have been, never will be; two, because I know that would make her feel unhappy.
And yet.

And yet it feels like you're not getting much back. That's because you're not. She's been through some stuff with her ex but that's not an excuse for her to be a prick to a new partner. I still say run while you can. 

[FredEire]

Her actions are not those of someone who cares about you. You barely have sex, she leaves straight after when you do because the intimacy feels awkward, she "needs space" to the point that she barely has time for you at all.

It sounds like she is not over her ex but wants a companion to give her the bare minimum of affection, while keeping herself all the way closed off, and she thinks you will accept this.

If you met a more caring girlfriend, you'd see a night and day difference. I think its selfish of her to keep you in this situation and so you should be the one to do so, you deserve better.

I'm guessing you find her very physically attractive so thats why you stay, because the rest of it sounds like a pretty awful "relationship".

Edited 4 hours ago by FredEire

[ExpatInItaly]

You're her rebound.