Why was he ok to meet my parents after everything?

[Cantholdm3e]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You have very little self-rrespect, which is not attractive to men. 

He sees that he can treat you like an option and you'll not only serve that up to him, but also go chasing right after it. Notice that the woman he wants more doesn't take his crap the way you do?

She broke up w him 7 times, moved out, then came “right back” as he put it. She was aware he hid her, hadn’t divorced his wife, and was cheating massively with me and stayed. Until I guess one point she left for good. And his wife takes ALL of this crap, being aware of 3 affairs and not divorcing him

Edited November 23 by Cantholdm3e

[ExpatInItaly]

At the end of the day, this guy is an enormous loser.  It's unclear why you are scraping the bottom of the barrel like this, but it's your life to live. 

Throwing yourself a pity party when you know exactly the type of man you're dealing with isn't productive. You were also a party to his cheating, so I don't think that you can expect much sympathy. Your behaviour here hasn't been very good, either. 

You reap what you sow, in other words. 

[Shehaari]

i'm genuinely curious.. What are the reasons he's the type of man you actually WANT something more with?

It doesn't seem as though he wants to be more in your life..


 

[stillafool]

On 11/16/2025 at 1:41 AM, Cantholdm3e said:

I should add, he always says how he’s not looking for any gf, but that he sees only me (& has sex with no one else), & he gets very jealous if I’m w another guy. So I don’t know if it’s dumb to get hung up on the label when we see each other so much again now, & w so much history, & it’s so good

i realize I could  ask “how can I get him to change his mind & want a relationship w me?”, but that seems impossible if he’s so afraid of the “restrictions” or “losing independence”. And he’s “wanted” me on whatever level a 7 yr history indicates 

Most married men don't want their side pieces sleeping with other men because there's a lot of STDs out there and they don't want to pass that on to their wives and get caught or infect her.  I wouldn't be so flattered by that if I were you.  It's doubtful that even if his wife left him that he would settle for you.  Most MM in affairs who get divorced rarely move on with their side women but move on to someone totally new.  They don't want to be reminded of what ruined their marriage and want to start anew.

[Gebidozo]

9 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

She broke up w him 7 times, moved out, then came “right back” as he put it. She was aware he hid her, hadn’t divorced his wife, and was cheating massively with me and stayed. Until I guess one point she left for good. And his wife takes ALL of this crap, being aware of 3 affairs and not divorcing him

In other words, he is a total loser who can only attract women that have no self-respect.

Why you’d willingly be one of those women, in any capacity whatsoever, is beyond my understanding.

[Acacia98]

On 11/18/2025 at 11:22 PM, Cantholdm3e said:

lol, fair enough, his 3rd affair (started while I had another BF) left her husband, who she told me was super great, just to be w this man. Then when she expected he’d follow suit & propose to her & divorce, he dragged his feet so she dumped him a final time. Meanwhile he tells me he only can be friends  & isn’t getting divorced, but when I ignore him, he keeps seeking my attention… & this man does not act as only friends, he wants sex. 
ok so sounds like only way for this to “work” is if I accept he will always have a wife. But even then, I feel like he’s lied about so many things (including this other girl’s entire existence) that he’d prob cheat on me too. But even if I decide THAT is ok, it seems like I can’t get anything more than intermittent, Exactly on his terms? Any ideas? 

I'm not sure what there is to discuss over here. You either accept what he's offering or you dump him and go no contact for the rest of your life. He sounds too broken to offer more, and there's no indication that he wants to fix his brokenness.

The real question is why are you hanging around, hoping to see if tin will turn into silver?

Edited Monday at 08:13 AM by Acacia98

[flitzanu]

On 11/22/2025 at 4:04 PM, Cantholdm3e said:

 Maybe what I should be focusing on instead is why I’m only worthy of being the side piece girl. 

and do you think this is why he's not running into the sunset with you, because you aren't worthy?

[Cantholdm3e]

On 11/24/2025 at 1:15 PM, flitzanu said:

and do you think this is why he's not running into the sunset with you, because you aren't worthy?

Yes. There has to be just something wrong with me, given that we’ve had amazing chemistry and shared a lot for 7 years, yet he tells me he didn’t “love” me.
My recent BF, who never had a relationship more than surface level, couldn’t tell me he loved me for almost a year & then it was only in signing a card. He’d disappear like 1 night a week, not even a single text till halfway thru next day, and even after I asked if he could at least shoot a quick “home safe” text, he didn’t, nor did I know where he was going out or the people accompanying etc. when I nicely, non confrontationally brought it up, he got all angry and attacked me then dumped me. 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

Yes. There has to be just something wrong with me, given that we’ve had amazing chemistry and shared a lot for 7 years, yet he tells me he didn’t “love” me.

What’s wrong is that you let a man who was married and involved in a relationship with another lover into your life, and even hoped to have a serious relationship with him.

That is exactly what makes men unlikely to commit to you. You need to have self-respect and demand right away that the man be yours and only yours, not share him with other women.

If he doesn’t want that, you should simply dump him instead of sticking around and hoping that he’ll change his mind.

 

 

[PandaPanda]

Following up from my last post. I have now broken up with the guy I was dating for 3 months. He said I’m not the one and he can’t see a future with me and don’t believe we can be life partners.
 

I still don’t understand how can he say he can’t see a future with me when he doesn’t even know me that well yet. I can say for sure I don’t fully know him either. I couldn’t let the thought go so after the break up I asked him what make him think that. I also asked how do you know I’m not the one so early on without getting to know me.

He said he wanted that spark/romantic feelings, but he didn’t feel it when he met me. He said we’re great together and everything was good, his attracted to me, but it missing that extra percentage that he been looking for, the initial spark. 
 

He then said when we have to decide what to eat for lunch or dinner, I can’t seem to decide what to eat and it stress him out. I’m not being able to just pick a cuisine or a dish, make him feel he have to search a lot and end up making the decision because I couldn’t. I usually would tell give him 2 options of cuisine so he can choose, I never thought that was a problem and didn’t know it stress him out that much. 
 

Then he said when it come to going on date I don’t ever plan, it always him having to plan and it stress him out. I didn’t think that’s true. When I asked him what he want to do he always tell me to decide. I gave him a list of things we could do and ask him to pick from there since I don’t know what his interested in. So once he pick the activities we then agree we do it on a weekend we both free. He then said I don’t plan what time we should wake up, whether we should have lunch first or pack lunch, what time to go do the activity. He said I don’t plan, so he end up having to decide everything. I didn’t know he want it to be like a schedule, I thought we just decide as we go since there no set time for the activity. He didn’t communicate with me what was bothering him, I didn’t know it stress him out. If I knew I would have plan everything for us, I don’t mind planing. He then said I’m a little spoil, which is not true and it hurt a bit. 
 

Now I feel really bad for stressing him out. I started thinking if only I could make the decision on what food to eat he wouldn’t need to decide. If only I take the initiative to plan the date, he wouldn’t feel like he always doing it by himself and feel stress about it. It make me regret a lot and wish I did more, maybe then he wouldn’t break up with me. I just wish he communicate with me what was bothering him, it such a small issues that we could have resolve instead of breaking up. It makes me feel so frustrated and hurt. I can’t stop thinking about what if I did more, I plan more, I don’t create stress for him, maybe we will still be together then. 

[Gebidozo]

The breakup has nothing to do with stressing him out.

He said very clearly that he doesn’t feel the spark, isn’t attracted to you enough, and doesn’t see a future with you.

If that’s not a compelling reason for a breakup, then what is?

You did the right thing by breaking up with him. You deserve to be with a guy who really likes you and wants to be with you.

Choosing food is a very small thing, and if he get stressed out because of that, it’s entirely his problem.

Edited Thursday at 02:49 PM by Gebidozo

[ShyViolet]

12 hours ago, Cantholdm3e said:

Yes. There has to be just something wrong with me, given that we’ve had amazing chemistry and shared a lot for 7 years, yet he tells me he didn’t “love” me.

It's really sad that you are hinging your entire sense of self-worth on whether these two loser men wanted to be with you.  Your self-respect and self-worth shouldn't be dependent on a man... it's something you cultivate within yourself, and it actually guides you to make good decisions about which men are worth your time and which aren't.

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

He said very clearly that he doesn’t feel the spark, isn’t attracted to you enough, and doesn’t see a future with you.

I agree. 

The rest is just him throwing around random issues because he doesn't know what else to tell you, OP. He wasn't feeling it, and as much as that can hurt to hear, it's best to leave it there and not keep pressing for reasons. Sometimes we just don't feel the right interest in someone to continue dating. 

[PandaPanda]

I understand attraction or he didn’t feel the spark is an issue, but he still wanted to date me so I thought it something he can overcome. But maybe it was my indecisive that drove him away. 
 

I regret a lot not trying harder or plan more dates instead of leaving it for him to do. I wish I knew it stressed him out, I would have help or take over and do it on my own. I can’t stop blaming myself for this break up. He even made a comment that I should have try harder, but I stayed the same the whole time. It really hit hard when I heard that comment. 

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

I understand attraction or he didn’t feel the spark is an issue

It’s not an issue, it’s the issue.

 

6 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

but he still wanted to date me so I thought it something he can overcome.

What do you mean “overcome”? Gain attraction over time? That’s not possible. Either you feel it, or you don’t. He doesn’t, and he won’t.

Or do you mean stay with you despite not being attracted to you? Maybe he’d do it for whatever wrong reason, but why would you want to be with a man who isn’t attracted to you? It’s very humiliating and it would never make you truly happy.

 

6 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

But maybe it was my indecisive that drove him away. 

One more time, no.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

I understand attraction or he didn’t feel the spark is an issue

Is is the primrary reason didn't work out. It's not something that can be "overcome." 

 

[Els]

This is a lot of analysis for a 3 month long relationship. Why are you even so invested in this? Why are you jumping through so many mental hoops to try and explain this to yourself? 

The early dating stages are precisely for determining whether or not you feel chemistry between the two of you. You can't know for sure that they are the right person for you so early on... But you can definitely know that they are the WRONG person. Once you know that they are wrong, what's the point in dragging things out? 

He's doing the right thing IMO. If he doesn't feel it, he doesn't feel it. Far better that he be honest with you now than string you along. Also stop twisting yourself into pretzels trying to figure out "what's wrong with you" - it's very possible that nothing is wrong (except for the fact that you seem to get attached very very quickly), you just don't have chemistry together. 

[stillafool]

On 11/27/2025 at 7:24 AM, PandaPanda said:

Then he said when it come to going on date I don’t ever plan, it always him having to plan and it stress him out. I didn’t think that’s true. When I asked him what he want to do he always tell me to decide. I gave him a list of things we could do and ask him to pick from there since I don’t know what his interested in. So once he pick the activities we then agree we do it on a weekend we both free. He then said I don’t plan what time we should wake up, whether we should have lunch first or pack lunch, what time to go do the activity. He said I don’t plan, so he end up having to decide everything. I didn’t know he want it to be like a schedule, I thought we just decide as we go since there no set time for the activity. He didn’t communicate with me what was bothering him, I didn’t know it stress him out. If I knew I would have plan everything for us, I don’t mind planing. He then said I’m a little spoil, which is not true and it hurt a bit. 

When the excuses don't add up to why a person doesn't want to be with you the answer is simple.   He's just not feeling you in the way that matters to him and there is literally nothing you can do to change this.

14 hours ago, PandaPanda said:

he didn’t feel the spark is an issue, but he still wanted to date me so I thought it something he can overcome.

You should have ended it with him the moment he told you he didn't feel a spark for you.  What he's looking for is passion and he isn't feeling it with you.  Let him go so you can find a man who does.