Learning who you partner really is

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend of over a year has changed quite a bit on me over the last month or two

 

She says it's because she finally feels very comfortable with me. I guess I should feel good about that but it isn't all great.

 

She told me she spends more time with me than she wants because she is a people pleaser and doesn't want me to feel bad if she needs a few days "off" a week for herself - which is fine but it's a little jarring after over a year to hear she's been holding this in

 

She told me she isn't as sexual and intimate of a person as she led me to believe and doesn't really want sex very often and doesn't need much intimacy

 

It's hard for me to believe because the first year she was constantly affectionate and wanting us to be close and touching.

Our sex isn't very often now, if I try to make a move it's maybe 90% of the time met with some level of annoyance. Of those times we probably only have sex 1/3 because I really don't like doing it when she doesn't want to so I try to wait for her to be in the mood but she very rarely is

 

 

She said when she gets in relationships her routine like dieting , exercising, and seeing her friends gets messed up but she said it wasn't my fault. I told her a felt a little bad because I knew it wasn't my fault but if she's struggling to maintain things she likes doing and her friends and whatever else because she's with me I feel a little responsible. She said it was her issue and not to worry

 

Another thing which surprised me is she said she feels like she doesn't have time for her friends because of me.

It's strange because our whole relationship anytime she gets invited to something she goes and she fairly regularly makes plans with her friends. She's pretty busy in that way and usually has things going on with her friends 

 

I told her she does and always has done things whenever she wants and I didn't think it was fair to say I hindered that 

She said she doesn't think I do hinder it, but for some reason feels she doesn't have time for them because of me

 

 

I have never been in a situation where after a year with someone a lot of stuff and truth started coming out that they were keeping 

 

 

[Acacia98]

Sounds like she's ending the relationship in slow motion. But of course, she'll deny it if you ask her.

You have two options:

1. Be passive and allow her to end the relationship at her pace.

2. Be proactive and end the relationship yourself now because you're clearly not sexually compatible and have drastically different relationships with the truth.

[Sanch62]

33 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Sounds like she's ending the relationship in slow motion. But of course, she'll deny it if you ask her.

Yep, this sounds possible. At the very least, she doesn't sound concerned about losing you.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree that she is paying the way for a break-up. 

I think she doesn't know how to be honest that she isn't into the relationship anymore so she's rewriting the past year and claiming that wasn't the real her. I think it was, for the most part, but now she's simply not feeling it with you and hasn't worked up the courage to be clear and mature about ending it. 

Either way, I wouldn't want to be with someone who's behaving like this. 

[glows]

She’s doing it again. Instead of ripping off the bandaid and ending the rl she’s going in circles and creating confusion. Everything she just said to you reads problems problems problems and no solutions. It’s like her body is here and her brain has checked way out to lunch. She’s afraid of the outcome and still people pleasing in a way because she’s worried about what you think of her. 

I do empathize with you. Even if she’s a people pleaser there should be a level of maturity and consideration to you. Dumping all those issues sounds like reasons for a break up and someone who isn’t interested anymore. Id find it a bit hard to trust someone after they dump like that with little to no consideration for your feelings and the confusion. Just way too immature and unkind. The irony is after all that people pleasing she’s just plain selfish.

[Sanch62]

11 hours ago, glows said:

...Dumping all those issues sounds like reasons for a break up and someone who isn’t interested anymore. Id find it a bit hard to trust someone after they dump like that with little to no consideration for your feelings and the confusion. Just way too immature and unkind. The irony is after all that people pleasing she’s just plain selfish.

I agree she's lost interest, and I wouldn't trust her, either. I didn't sense any pleasing. I think she was interested in your relationship until she wasn't. Now she doesn't care how you perceive her. She's raising issues that she can point to again when she wants to exit, but she's making use of you until she forms a crush on someone else, OR, she's already crushing on someone and will dump you once she gets a green light from him.

[glows]

44 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

I agree she's lost interest, and I wouldn't trust her, either. I didn't sense any pleasing. I think she was interested in your relationship until she wasn't. Now she doesn't care how you perceive her. She's raising issues that she can point to again when she wants to exit, but she's making use of you until she forms a crush on someone else, OR, she's already crushing on someone and will dump you once she gets a green light from him.

Im not quite sure why you keep quoting my posts in threads and commenting on them instead of allowing others to have a say and their own read. You had your chance to post what you thought. Give others a chance without the running commentary of what you think and blurring other comments. 

I read it as still people pleasing because if she hasn’t broken it off by now she’s stringing him along. Reading between the lines here: citing all kinds of issues and fault finding while having little to no mind for solutions and then expecting your partner to lap it up or roil in confusion is selfish and still people pleasing because she expects HIM to break up with her. She’s still not making any decision nor offering solutions allowing him to believe she still wants to be with him.

[Sanch62]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

the running commentary

Thank you for what I considered to be an active discussion using the quote feature, which is available to us for this purpose.

I appreciate your encouragement to agree to disagree.

[glows]

1 minute ago, Sanch62 said:

Thank you for what I considered to be an active discussion using the quote feature, which is available to us for this purpose.

I appreciate your encouragement to agree to disagree.

While I do agree with some of your comments I don’t agree with others. You won’t catch me responding to everything I disagree with because that’s aggressive and quite overdominating and dismissive of others takes. I don’t appreciate it.  

[MsJayne]

On 10/20/2025 at 12:26 AM, Anonymous said:

She says it's because she finally feels very comfortable with me.

So comfortable that she can start telling you that you take up too much of her time whilst at the same time telling you that it's not your fault. So comfortable that she doesn't feel any guilt for depriving you of sex, (you sound young and the relationship is only 1 year so you should still be going hard at it). I think you should be the one to end it.