Met a girl who love to chat but cold in texting

[Kyle676]

Hi, I'm new to this forum and I want to thank all of you in advance.

I met this girl about 3 months ago at a local gym. We began chatting one day after work out and our long chat became quite regular - twice a week (we have same work out hours on Monday and Wednesday), each time we chat last for 2 to 3 hours. 

One thing I noticed about her is, she is really intelligent and love sharing her thoughts with me (we have a few common interests), but she is really shy and quiet in general (like when she interacts with staff/other members of the gym). She also have hand tremors often when we are in the middle of a conversation and she mentioned that she had 504 plan when she was in High School. So I am guessing she might have some forms of ADHD/Autism? I apologize in advance if I offended anyone here as I am not well versed with mental health issues.

We exchanged numbers a few weeks ago, so I was hoping to ask her out over texting as I thought it would reduce some of stress and give her an easier opportunity to decline. Anyway, I would send her long, well thought out text messages but she would replied with "That's great", "thank you", "I'm so happy", and other one liners.

I took that as she wasn't interested so I didn't ask her to hang out. But then the week after (last week), she waited 30 minutes at the lobby after I left the gym (to grab some drinks and comeback) just to talk to me. We ended up chatting for another 2 hours that day. Today, we met again and chatted for 3 hours; in fact, I grabbed my water bottles, stood up, and on my way out the door three times when she then came up with another topic to talk about so I would sit down and stay.

So my question is, why is there such a huge discrepancy between her in-person and text communication attitudes? Is that something that people with ADHD/Autism struggle with? May be she isn't interested at all? Or should I just asked her out in person?

I am a worrying person... What if she already have a boyfriend or someone she is interested in? What if she doesn't want to go out with me? It will be pretty awkward afterward... 

Thank you again.
 

[basil67]

Those responses she sent sound like auto suggested ones.  Have you considered that her 504 plan could be for an issue with reading?  

Hanging around waiting for you after the gym does sound like she's interested, but the only way you'll know for sure is if you ask her on a date.  Or if you want to spend more time getting to know her, ask if it's OK if you call her

Edited October 19 by basil67

[Kyle676]

Thank you! I asked her earlier today to go to lunch and she said yes! I took her to lunch and that was cool. That said... A few more follow up questions:

She seems very shy when we are not in a one on one situation. Like noticeably quiet and won't lead the convo at all when there are other people around (other gym members, staff, servers, other restaurant customers).

At times she almost looked uninterested (spacing out, staring at the wall, quiet...), so when she received a text message and looked her phone, I asked if she has to go and I don't want to take up all of her time (I did it like 2 or 3 times?). She said no, it was her sister texting her and she doesn't need to go.

After lunch, I walked her to her car and asked if she wants to watch this one movie we were talking about (I also told her no pressure, don't feel that she has to go if she isn't comfortable), she said sure. Then I said may be this Wed? She said she might not have time on Wed but when we are free later.

So... May be she has social anxiety? And should I text her this evening and say, "Hey, thanks for coming out to lunch, I had a great time. And thank you for answering my dumb movie questions so I'm ready when we watch the movie together!"? Next time I see her (Wed), should I just go, "Hey, I'm so ready for the movie, when are we watching it?".

I know I'm going crazy... I have been so excited, my hands are shaking as I typed this...

Thank you! 

[glows]

I’d just ask if she wants to see the movie when you see her on Weds. keep the chat plain and no im excited etc bc that feels like pressure. It’s not her problem that you’re excited about the movie and she doesn’t have time (which she potentially did warn about, that she may not have time). Keep it very simple but you got the right idea. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Kyle676 said:

She seems very shy when we are not in a one on one situation. Like noticeably quiet and won't lead the convo at all when there are other people around (other gym members, staff, servers, other restaurant customers).

Why would she be leading a conversation with servers or other restaurant customers?  Likewise, people at my gym don't talk with each other.   You're overthinking this

2 hours ago, Kyle676 said:

At times she almost looked uninterested (spacing out, staring at the wall, quiet...), so when she received a text message and looked her phone, I asked if she has to go and I don't want to take up all of her time (I did it like 2 or 3 times?). She said no, it was her sister texting her and she doesn't need to go.

It would have been rude to be interacting with people on text while she's on a date. 

2 hours ago, Kyle676 said:

o... May be she has social anxiety? And should I text her this evening and say, "Hey, thanks for coming out to lunch, I had a great time. And thank you for answering my dumb movie questions so I'm ready when we watch the movie together!"? Next time I see her (Wed), should I just go, "Hey, I'm so ready for the movie, when are we watching it?".

I can't see that she has social anxiety as none of those situations should require her to lead a conversation.

 Given she wasn't a great texter before, perhaps texting her for a date isn't the best way to be in contact.  I agree with @glows to ask her on Wednesday.  And don't comment on her answering your "dumb questions".  That said, if she agrees to another date, find out if she prefers voice or text to communicate.  Given your previous experience at texting her, I don't think it's the right method

[MsJayne]

3 hours ago, Kyle676 said:

She seems very shy when we are not in a one on one situation. Like noticeably quiet and won't lead the convo at all when there are other people around (other gym members, staff, servers, other restaurant customers).

At times she almost looked uninterested (spacing out, staring at the wall, quiet...),

On 10/19/2025 at 3:16 PM, Kyle676 said:

she is really intelligent

She may just be an introverted personality and, combined with above-average intelligence, she may not enjoy small talk with strangers or even see the point of it. This may also be true of her text interaction style, she may see texting as useful only for short interactions with a point, (eg: 'I'm running 5 min late'), but find back and forth texting irritating. Has she mentioned a social circle or other friends or does she seem to be a loner? I think mentioning her 504 plan was her way of providing you with an opener to ask her about it because, if she has a condition that affects her social skills and attitudes, you need to know about that before you get involved. My guess would be that, as she seems so shy and nervous in social situations, she may have been through some sort of trauma involving other people. That being said, there's no point guessing, you need to ask her about her mental health in order to progress to the next stage of getting to know her. 

Edited October 20 by MsJayne

[Kyle676]

Sorry, what I meant was that she didn't seem as engaged in the conversation with me when there are other people around us. When it is just us, she will ask me leading questions and bringing up topics. But when she was in the restaurant and when there were other members within close proximity while we were in gym she would only reply and then stay quiet until I lead the conversation further.

May be she went to lunch with me and said yes to watching a movie so she won't hurt my feelings or would appeared awkward next time we see one another in the gym? 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Kyle676 said:

But when she was in the restaurant and when there were other members within close proximity while we were in gym she would only reply and then stay quiet until I lead the conversation further.

I would give it another date or two to see how it goes. 

But I would also make a mental note that  this person isn't engaging and itì's mostly me having to lead conversations and, well, that gets old fast. I would find it hard to stay interested in someone who is just sitting there and not really participating in conversation but mostly just treating it like an interview where I ask all the questions. It could be shyness on her part, or it might be a simple mismatch.