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soul mates in love, 2 to 3 years, but now cheating with someone at work

jakeboy2026

By jakeboy2026
in Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy

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jakeboy2026 New Member

jakeboy2026

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been with this girl for almost 3 years now.  both of us are middle age.

first year or two, wild sparks, soulmates, love forever, will you marry me? etc. etc.

I held back from popping the question (asking her to marry etc) cos i am usually at a slower speed and I wasnt 100% sure about compatibility....

and honestly I wasnt even sure if I wanted marriage.

she has her house, I have a house so it has been a bit of a dating type of relationship cos I cant live in two houses at the same time.  I never moved in with her  because I didnt want to sell my house.

i am more the steadfast stable type of quiet guy who is loyal like a dog and like the idea of a long term reliable trustworthy relationship.

 

she told me that 10 or 15 years ago when she was married to her ex she  cheated on him with a married guy she was working with and went to his house because she was babysitting their kids.

I am not perfect by any means, but i would never cheat or talk to other women in the past or during this relationhip.

she is  drinker (maybe 2 to 5 big glasses of wine per night) and occasional precription meds for anxiety attacks, but I wonder if she is addicted to both of them

over the past months she has been very distant, doesnt say I love you to me anymore, or much much less and constantly talks about the guys she works with .

last night I found her diary book under her couch and I read some of her entries.  as it turns out she is flirting with this guy at work, kissing, loves him, face time , all in secret and when I am not around.   in her entries she says he has her heart, is the love of his life, how excitied she is when she is even 5 feet away from him, that he compliments her on her beauty all the time and that he treates her so good etc etc. he is the man for her.

in previous year or two of our relationship she would keep bashing me for not complimenting her enough or at all.  but I keep telling her how she is pretty and the good things about her, but then when i would compliment her she would say that i never do...

so the guy she is supposedly in love with at work she has worked with for years there and knows for a very long time.   

he is married , also middle aged and has kids .   according to her journal his wife just found out about their cheating at work and has been to my gf's house a few times and God knows what else.

My gf just today just asked me to fix her security cameras.

So the BOTTOM LINE.   what should i DO ?

What should I do now that I just read all her secret journal entries saying this guy at work is the love of her life and that she cannot see spending the rest of her life with me (she wrote that in her journal) even though she loves me (as she wrote in the journal)

Whats WEIRD is that during the writing of the last two months in her journal describing all the things she is doing flirting with this guy at work, she still strings me along,  writes me a birthday card that I am the man she loves.  

The stuff she writes in her journal about how this guy is the one she is meant to be with etc etc, the love of her life seems like the same exact song and dance she told me the First 6 months to a year we were getting to know either other...

 

 

WHAT SHOULD I DO ?

 

walk away, never answer her text or call again?   (she just texted me a photo of herself because she just got her hair done, but I have not replied yet)

confront my gf about the diary stuff and tell her its over ?

confront or call the guy at work and tell him to keep his dirty hands off of my gf ?

 

 

or just keep silent and pretend I dont know about the journal entries and just keep playing along......

 

 

final note:

Cheating sucks, alcohol and drugs seem to make cheating an unfaithfulness worse or more potential to happen.  It alters the mind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sanch62 Established Member

Sanch62

Posted
Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, jakeboy2026 said:

walk away, never answer her text or call again?  

confront my gf about the diary stuff and tell her its over ?

confront or call the guy at work and tell him to keep his dirty hands off of my gf ?

or just keep silent and pretend I dont know about the journal entries and just keep playing along......

I would choose none of these. I'd visit her place, gather only my belongings that are important to me and not bother with the rest, and I'd tell her as I'm heading out the door that this relationship isn't working for me anymore, and I've decided to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. 

If she wants you to explain your reasons, you don't owe her that--she a disloyal cheat. I'd just tell her that she doesn't need to agree with this breakup, but it's happening, and I'd leave. If she chases after you, I'd tell her she can go find comfort with (His Name), and let that stop her in her tracks until you can get out of there.

Head high, and trust that your gut was unwilling to sell your home for a good reason. Respect your Self.

Edited by Sanch62
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jakeboy2026 New Member

jakeboy2026

Posted
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Posted
22 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

and I've decided to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. 

Thank you for your suggestion and feedback.   The approach you suggest seems very classy and seems a good option...

I guess in my view the best option is to never tell her anything or that I know what she is doing or who with, instead just *dissappear* into the void.   If I ever bring up what I know to her, or make any comments or derogatory comments to her about her and him and what she should do or not, it puts me in a WEAK and desperate position.

I guess I feel I keep all my strength by just 'walking away" and dissapearing into the brush.  That way it will keep her forever wondering why, what happened to me, and why I completely dissapeared into no contact.  It will be her suffering to figure out why. 

I wonder if anyone else on this forum has taken that approach and if they felt it helped them keep their strength and integrity.

An alternative would be if I do contact her again to just say I need to start working overtime a lot so that I can take care of my family and maybe her down the road if she is still around.... that way its a soft exit and doesnt close anything off bitterly etc.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, jakeboy2026 said:

That way it will keep her forever wondering why, what happened to me, and why I completely dissapeared into no contact.  It will be her suffering to figure out why. 

Nah, this approach is way too focused on her, what she will be thinking, how she will hurt....it's all about her. And that will keep you hooked, wondering if she's figured it out yet, if she misses you, if she has regrets, and so on.  I don't see that as keeping your strength or integrity. 

I would suggest @Sanch62's approach. It ends it cleanl y for you and doens't leave loose ends that keep you emrbroiled in the emotional drama. And really, she knows what she has been up to. Even if you never mention itm she won't be left clueless wondering why you are gone. 

9 hours ago, jakeboy2026 said:

Whats WEIRD is that during the writing of the last two months in her journal describing all the things she is doing flirting with this guy at work, she still strings me along,  writes me a birthday card that I am the man she loves

This actually isn't weird for a cheater. It's very common fot them to keep Plan A (you) happy and rolling along until  Plan B (affair partner) finally becomes their Plan A. Or so the cheaters hope. That's why they will pretend everything is fine so they still have thier security net of a relationship in case Plan B doesn't work out. 

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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Gebidozo Established Member

Gebidozo

Posted
Posted

Obviously, you should break up with her.

How exactly you do that doesn’t really matter. Do it in a way that is least painful to you. But don’t drag it out, and don’t bother having a conversation with her, she’s beyond that. Something quick, efficient, and final will work, like tearing off a bandage.

 

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Sanch62 Established Member

Sanch62

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, jakeboy2026 said:

I guess I feel I keep all my strength by just 'walking away" and dissapearing into the brush.  That way it will keep her forever wondering why, what happened to me, and why I completely dissapeared into no contact.  It will be her suffering to figure out why. 

Well, that's fantasy, because attempting to ghost a partner who knows you intimately won't buy you a drama-free exit, just a bunch of pestering. You'll create a field of landmines of places to avoid trying to duck her. That's not peace, it's self-limiting.

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An alternative would be if I do contact her again to just say I need to start working overtime a lot so that I can take care of my family...

Sure, this is an option.

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... and maybe her down the road if she is still around....

I'd leave this part out and just make it a breakup. Clean, done. Leaving breadcrumbs to avoid finality only keeps YOU on tenderhooks in anticipation of her next behavior. Skip that--she doesn't deserve the space in your head.

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that way its a soft exit and doesnt close anything off bitterly etc.

Close it off, but no need to be bitter about it. No need to reveal your reason or its source, just the fact that you are done. If you want to soften this by saying you'll be working too many hours to continue with a partnership, that's fine and offers her nothing to argue about. If she offers to stick around, just say no thanks, and be done with the convo.

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