36M break things abruptly with me 28F over one text argument

[Anonymous]

36M break things abruptly with me 28F over one text argument

Hi everyone, I'm looking for some outside perspectives on a recent breakup that has left me really hurt and confused. 

We dated for about 5 weeks, and things moved very fast—we became exclusive n in a relationship after just one week. We would see each other 3-4 times a week. The connection felt intense and amazing at the beginning. He's a 36-year-old ISTP and I'm a 28-year-old INFP with an anxious attachment style, which I'm aware of and working on.

The Core Issue:
From the very first date, I was clear about my expectation that in a relationship, the man should be the one to provide for basic necessities like food, drinks, and shelter. He seemed to be completely on board with this; he always paid for our dates and never once suggested splitting a bill.

The conflict started when we began planning a trip to Japan. Out of the blue, on text, he brought up the idea of splitting the costs for the trip (aside from my flight, which I already covered for myself) This felt like a huge shift to me and made me feel insecure. I reacted poorly over text, I brought up his high salary n also accuse him of being "tired of me" and suggesting he deleted his Bumble to find other girls (cause he’s going to China in a few days and he could create a new account so I cannot track him which I now realize was an unfair assumption )

The Breakup:
His response was immediate and final. He stated that my reaction and this "several other situations" showed him we were incompatible. He said he felt a sense of "entitlement" from me and didn't appreciate the way I treated him. Despite my repeated attempts to apologize for my tone and to understand what I did wrong so I could improve, he refused to talk it out. I moved from my rigid "a man should provide for basic things like accommodation n food" position to being willing to "split things" and "find a common ground." He said his mind was made up and he didn't see things changing. He ended our 5-week relationship entirely over this one text argument 3 days ago.

My Confusion:

· Clarity vs. Entitlement: I set my standard from day one. He seemed to accept it, only to later call it "entitlement."
· The "One-Strike" Rule: Is it reasonable to end a relationship over one heated text argument without any prior discussion of problems?
· Mixed Signals: Today, he posted ig post with a sad song on Instagram ("Something in the Orange" by Zach Bryan) about heartbreak and someone never coming home, but then he hid his igstory of that reposted igpost from me. Why would he do that if he was the one who ended it?

I'm heartbroken because things were so good until they weren't. Part of me feels I messed up by how I communicated, but another part feels he gave up on us too easily. I'm struggling to see this clearly. He also admitted that he has depression and when I suggest ways to counter it like finding new hobbies or travelling , he shut it down firmly by stating don’t tell me what to do to handle it.

I would appreciate any insights, especially from those who understand ISTP personalities or have been in similar situations. Thank you for reading.
 

[glows]

Myers Briggs is not really that accurate and as people evolve through age they change, and the mindset/mood/influences at the time of taking it which fluctuates greatly as people experience the world. What’s probably important about mb testing is how much emphasis is being put on it and what those types mean to you. You could very well be a different type and he different as well after this break up. I know in Asia it’s a huge deal to the point where it’s standard for candidates to include them in this resumes/cvs. In the west in most psychology circles no one pays much attention to it. Something for coffee table talk but not a solid science or something to place too much emphasis on. I think the mb personalities may be clouding your judgment if you hold either of you too tightly to it. 

regarding his entitlement comment it’s possible he was willing to consider providing up to a limit. Local dates maybe, not on vacations bc that includes exchange rates too and he’s probably calculating that things are getting out of hand. When you pushed back hard and got upset he realized he didn’t have any room to have an opinion. You can ask if it’s fair to end a relationship over this. He can say is it fair to get upset and blow it out of proportion accusing him of cheating and getting tired of you. You showed him that he’s not allowed to have a different opinion without you making false accusations. This means he has to walk on eggshells around you. It’s probably leaning towards emotional abuse if continued in the long run. If he gave into you he might have been afraid how much you’d think you’re entitled to and your reaction shows that this type of reaction gets you what you want or has gotten you what you wanted in the past. Thats a terrifying realization. It’s a massive red flag. 

I’d ditch the social media, block him if you are still on it or mute his feed. Absolutely do not repost anything he posts bc it’s just inappropriate. Give space to heal and have good boundaries. Dont keep checking his accounts. That is not good or healthy boundaries for yourself.

 

[basil67]

He probably went along with your expectations because he didn't really think it through.   But when he saw the degree of entitlement you were showing, he just switched off.  Yes, you changed your mind and offered to re-think it all, but combined with previous issues he'd seen he decided that he wanted no part of it.   None of this is about personality types.  It's more a combination of it being only five weeks together and "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".    And it is totally possible to see something in a partner which does turn you off like a lightswitch 

Regardless of this relationship ending, your views aren't going to endear yourself to many men.   If you're not a professional and earn a more basic wage than the men you date, at the very least offer to be equitable

[Acacia98]

OP, you were supposed to be dating, getting to know each other. You'd only been together for 5 weeks. But you seemed to expect him to play the role of a father/husband on whom you were completely financially dependent. That was completely unrealistic. But I blame you both. You both don't seem to have a healthy understanding of what dating is. So your time together was bound to come to an end.

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, Anonymous said:

the man should be the one to provide for basic necessities like food, drinks, and shelter.

Why? It's 2025, males and females are now equal except in a couple of backward cultures. Please explain why another person should pay your way in the world. You come across as having an enormous sense of entitlement and your post actually made me angry because women with your attitudes give all of us a bad rep. No intelligent man wants a free-loader on board, only the sexist, misogynistic ones see women as weak and inferior and incapable of providing for themselves, so if you want to end up with a man who hates women keep going with your anachronistic beliefs. My guess is he discussed you and the relationship with his buddies and they all told him to run for his life. If you want men to respect you, pay for your own food, drinks, and shelter. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Neither of you used good sense here. 

Way too much, way too soon. At 5 weeks you barely knew each other. It is not the time to be planning overseas trips. And if you can't afford the cost of living, let alone holdiays, and expect the man to pay for everything, well, you are  probably going to be single for a long time. 

 

[Els]

10 hours ago, Anonymous said:

The conflict started when we began planning a trip to Japan. Out of the blue, on text, he brought up the idea of splitting the costs for the trip (aside from my flight, which I already covered for myself) This felt like a huge shift to me and made me feel insecure. I reacted poorly over text, I brought up his high salary n also accuse him of being "tired of me" and suggesting he deleted his Bumble to find other girls

Wow, and you're surprised he broke up with you?!?!? 

Look, I think that everyone's preferences are valid, and people can have whatever preferences they want as long as they accept that there are consequences for those choices. And I say the same thing to everyone who has one-sided or imbalanced preferences (old men who will only date younger women, overweight men who only want conventionally attractive women, women who want men to pay for everything) - you're gonna have a rough time finding a partner, but it's your choice.

So you want a man to pay for everything, and you apparently found someone who's okay with your very rigid preferences... fine. But as soon as conflict appears, you respond by accusing him of cheating on you?!? Just because he asked to split costs for a trip??

Yeah, this dude dodged a bullet. I'm happy for him.

Edited October 18 by Els

[Sanch62]

All relationships being voluntary, either person can decide they want out at any time, for any reason.

Even the wealthiest of potential partners who may offer to pick up tabs for pricier dates is likely to feel unappreciated without some regular form of reciprocity, like inviting him for home-cooked meals, cooking at his place, bringing sandwiches for a picnic, or treating him to less expensive meals, like breakfast or lunch. But insisting that someone else 'should' pay your way on everything is entitled and rude, and it's likely to cause resentment early.

[Gebidozo]

OP, the first thing you need to understand is that the guy initially must have liked you a lot if he agreed to your patriarchal, sexist arrangement, which no self-respecting modern man in his right mind would accept.

Instead of being happy and grateful, and at least trying to stay modest and respectful within that arrangement, you immediately increased your demands in what I could only describe as a rather shameful way.

But there is more. When the poor guy, understandably, saw what was being done to him and tried to back off in a sensible, reasonable manner, what did you do instead of apologizing? That’s right, you actually accused him of cheating.

Need I say more? If you want to have success in romance, you need to change your ways, OP. Your outdated concept of dating, your  unreasonable demands, and your accusations and emotional manipulation.