Is my buddy's ex interested or am i misreading something ?

[thacker]

A few years ago, I got drunk at my buddy’s birthday party. According to his ex, Maria, she tucked me into bed, and I was giving her a hug, etc. She told my buddy about it.

A couple of weeks later, I was with the girl’s sister, and she asked what I thought of Maria. I just said she was annoying. She then asked how long I had been friends with my buddy Michael, and I said we’ve been friends for X amount of years and made a joke about it.

A week later, my buddy also asked me what I thought of Maria, and I gave him the same answer, just to brush things off.

As time passed, Maria continued to make some comments or show behaviors toward me. My buddy kept asking if I liked her. Not too long ago, we were hanging out, and the girls were asking who I thought were the most attractive girls in the event group. I just said “pass.” Later, when I was alone with my buddy, he said, “You think this girl is cute and this girl too, but not Maria, right?” I just said “yeah…”

After that, I said “*** it” and started talking to Maria a bit, getting to know her and flirting a bit. Then I said, “*** it, let me invite her on my business trip.” She said she would come and asked if she could bring her friend. I said sure.

Then I asked her what was going on between her and my buddy because he says XYZ, but I don’t care what he says, only what she has to say. She ignored the question. I then called her and asked why she didn’t answer me. She said she didn’t remember my question.

I said, “I asked what was going on between you and my buddy because I invited you to join me since I’m interested in you, but if you two are working things out, then I don’t want to get between that.” She said, “Yeah, I’m not sure what the extent of your bro code is with him, but that’s not something I’d want to do to him.” I just said "ok" and she says "ok" what on earth does this even mean ? is she interested ? why does my buddy keep asking if i like her and why was her sister asking?

 

I asked my buddy after why he was asking, he says "when did i ask you that... why would I care its not like we are dating" 

Edited October 17 by thacker

[Gebidozo]

Your buddy is probably a bit jealous, but that’s not the point. The girl isn’t interested. She invited her friend so that she wouldn’t be alone with you on the trip. And she said that, regardless of your “bro code”, she wouldn’t want to upset your buddy by being with you. She expressed that very clearly.

[flitzanu]

don't try to date the ex of your "buddy" 

and also she told you  “Yeah, I’m not sure what the extent of your bro code is with him, but that’s not something I’d want to do to him.”  

which means, your bro code should be not dating your friends ex.  and that she isn't going to do that to him.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

The girl isn’t interested.

Woman here, and I agree. 

She isn't into you, OP. There's nothing to pursue here. 

[thacker]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Woman here, and I agree. 

She isn't into you, OP. There's nothing to pursue here. 

Thanks. I was just confused about the questions I was being asked, someone else said her answer was open-ended and that she will change her answer based on whatever I choose to tell her. I keep giving her the chance to say if she is intereted or not, she just dodges so i left it be.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, thacker said:

her answer was open-ended

I don't see how it could be interpreted that way. 

1 minute ago, thacker said:

she will change her answer based on whatever I choose to tell her.

This is also a strange interpretation, whomever suggested this to you.  How you respond to her won't move the dial if she doesn't have a romantic interest in you.

7 minutes ago, thacker said:

I was just confused about the questions I was being asked

I don't think the questions matter, really. She herself has not signaled that she sees you as more than a friend. So yes, let it be. 

[glows]

She’s probably attracted to you in some sense or feels familiar enough to go on a trip with you but not familiar enough not to have someone else there or a witness. She likes your company enough basically but isn’t going to cross the line dating you.

IMHO it was all fun and games and no harm done (you said she showed behaviours which maybe suggested she was flirting) until you explicitly said that you’re interested in her. When you told her you were interested that’s when the game ended and charades dropped. She was testing your boundaries by making that comment about “extent of your bro code” to see how you’d react further but was not ever going to cross that line. Honestly a pretty stupid and annoying comment. If she’s not interested at all she wouldn’t even be discussing a “bro code”. 

[thacker]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't see how it could be interpreted that way. 

This is also a strange interpretation, whomever suggested this to you.  How you respond to her won't move the dial if she doesn't have a romantic interest in you.

I don't think the questions matter, really. She herself has not signaled that she sees you as more than a friend. So yes, let it be. 

well again, she was cool with everything until I brought up my buddy then she reversed.

[MsJayne]

Why did you invite her on your business trip? If you're interested in her why didn't you just invite her on a date and stop all the juvenile interference from friends? Inviting her somewhere that involves an overnight stay suggests that you were intending that she would sleep with you, and that's incredibly disrespectful, (I'm assuming here, apologies if it was just a day trip with no overnight).

[thacker]

1 minute ago, MsJayne said:

Why did you invite her on your business trip? If you're interested in her why didn't you just invite her on a date and stop all the juvenile interference from friends? Inviting her somewhere that involves an overnight stay suggests that you were intending that she would sleep with you, and that's incredibly disrespectful, (I'm assuming here, apologies if it was just a day trip with no overnight).

I was okay with paying for her friend to come, because I had no intentions of trying to sleep with her... I told her her friend can come fully paid for.

[MsJayne]

27 minutes ago, thacker said:

I was okay with paying for her friend to come, because I had no intentions of trying to sleep with her... I told her her friend can come fully paid for.

Fair enough. I think if she was the dumper, (it sounds like she was), it would be disrespectful to your buddy to pursue her at this time, particularly if he's telling you they're working things out, (I think he's deluding himself). It's a messy situation, I'd back off and wait until they've both moved on from their relationship, especially if it was a long one. If it was a short relationship you won't have to wait too long before making a move on Maria is socially OK. 

[thacker]

11 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Fair enough. I think if she was the dumper, (it sounds like she was), it would be disrespectful to your buddy to pursue her at this time, particularly if he's telling you they're working things out, (I think he's deluding himself). It's a messy situation, I'd back off and wait until they've both moved on from their relationship, especially if it was a long one. If it was a short relationship you won't have to wait too long before making a move on Maria is socially OK. 

I just wanted to know if she was interested in me or not. Then how to deal with my buddy.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you need to explore other opportunities. 

This is too messy and her interest level in dating you obviously isn't there. 

[MsJayne]

7 hours ago, thacker said:

I just wanted to know if she was interested in me or not. Then how to deal with my buddy.

You shouldn't have to "deal" with your buddy, you should be able to just be honest, and at some point that means saying, "Hey, I'm keen to ask Maria out on a date, I really like her. Are you OK with that?" and then he can say, "Hey buddy, Hell yeah, I've been seeing So-And-So's sister for the last two months, I'm way over Maria", or, he can say, "Whoa,  no, I'm still stalking Maria, you're intruding."  Be patient, patience is often rewarded with what you wanted  . 

[FredEire]

In high school 3 of my friends dated the same girl, one after the other. She also slept with another couple of guys in the group, I just thought they were crazy.

I've never had any interest in dating a friend's ex, when there's so many more single people out there in the world. Firstly even if your buddy says he's ok with it it's most likely going to impact him and strain your friendship, then you have a possible revenge motivation for the girl in dating you, etc. etc. It's just way too messy and it's not being a good friend either, IMO.