BUTAFLY Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I realize my 'now' MM chose to marry his wife despite hesitation because she has alot going for her. I see that now. He always wanted to be apart of a large family and she a huge family with three grown children(20,17,12) of her own, which add an exciting dynamic to thier household. she lives in a large house, she helped him pay for his brand new car,helps in paying child support form his previous relationship,and basically is able to give give give. So in that way I do believe he would be happier with her because I am not in the postion to give as much as she does. I am new to this state and dont have family or many friends here, I rent, and am a part time college student & work FT. I look at the comparisons and he makes me feel sad for myself. She is 33 and im 29 and I'm not where I should be in life. So.... once again he makes me feel if i had myself together more maybe things would have been different. Is he right? ...on some level I think their is truth to that. I don't know how to take this ...insulting or constructive?
Barby Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 WHY oh WHY would you want to be with someone who needs a woman to do this for him? You said that he's happier with her because she does these things for him? So she has to "buy" his love, affection, and happiness? He doesn't sound much different from a prostitute. Do you really want to have to spend your hard earned cash on buying someone? Your love, companionship should be enough to make someone happy. Is he right? No...but if you were farther in your life maybe you'd be more happy and attract the kind of man who'd appreciate you for you, not your purchasing capacity.
EnigmaXOXO Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Butafly, It has nothing at all to do with you having less to offer than someone else. Life, Fate or G-d (whatever you choose to call it) has done you a miraculous favor by eliminating this person from your life. It was already a heartache ready to happen, and there is no way you would have been able to sustain and happy and healthy relationship with someone whose heart (and head) is not in the right place. There is someone or something greater out there coming your way. You just have to have patience and faith enough not to try and rush things along. Life has a funny way of sorting things out and sometimes knows what's best for you even when you don't.
bluechocolate Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 So.... once again he makes me feel if i had myself together more maybe things would have been different. Is he right? What would have been different? That it would be you paying his child support & buy him new cars rather than her? This guy sounds pretty callous to me, basically telling you that you're not 'together' enough for him to marry, but enough that he'll have a affair with you after he marries someone else. What does that tell you about what he really wants from you? Get rid of him.
Beautiful1 Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Butafly, You know what you have to do. I just got finished agreeing with you on your last post about the live in babymother. Well its time to take some of your own advise. Don't let this fool make you think for one mininute that you are less than your true worth. So what your not where you "think" you need to be at the age of 29. God put you right where he needed you right now. SO let him marry is suga momma, let her pay for the child support, new car and what ever else he feels he may need. Basically let her be the fool not you okay. I mean would you rather be the one buying his affection? if you felt you had the money? would you really want to spend that sh*t on him ? think about bout it you got off easy...she should be the one on here typing her heart out about a man using her!! not you, your too good for that.
SensesFail Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Gold digger... "I wanna marry her cause i like her...and maybe she can buy me another car"
Author BUTAFLY Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 I did get rid of him, I don't talk to him anymore but its those words that still linger and bother me. Before he married her he said sarcasticly "If we got married where would we live? your one bedroom apt? My checks go to child support and car payment so how would we live? Guess what love dosen't pay the bills, she has everything together and your just not together yet." He tends to make comments like that which makes me feel bad about myself but I know its part of his mind game. But that one kind of hit home.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 The timing was wrong. She met him first - Look at it that way. Who knows if he'd met you first and never met her. The thing is, you are losing out and it is wrong to compare yourself to her and what she has in her life. You're putting yourself down, making yourself feel bad. You say HE makes comments which make you feel bad. Why are you subjecting yourself to that? Why stay with someone (especially a MM) who makes you feel bad about YOU? Dump him! He is treating you horribly.
Sami_D Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I did get rid of him, I don't talk to him anymore but its those words that still linger and bother me. Before he married her he said sarcasticly "If we got married where would we live? your one bedroom apt? My checks go to child support and car payment so how would we live? Guess what love dosen't pay the bills, she has everything together and your just not together yet." He tends to make comments like that which makes me feel bad about myself but I know its part of his mind game. But that one kind of hit home. I can never get over the way some people will talk to each other. I wouldn't have ANYTHING further to say to anyone who spoke to me like that. No idea why you're wondering whether 'things would have been different'... HE would still be an a**.
Author BUTAFLY Posted January 19, 2006 Author Posted January 19, 2006 The timing was wrong. She met him first - Look at it that way. Who knows if he'd met you first and never met her. The thing is, you are losing out and it is wrong to compare yourself to her and what she has in her life. You're putting yourself down, making yourself feel bad. You say HE makes comments which make you feel bad. Why are you subjecting yourself to that? Why stay with someone (especially a MM) who makes you feel bad about YOU? Dump him! He is treating you horribly. When I was with him he was not married yet. When I found out months later he was engaged I DID DUMP HIM. ( it seems you guys think I'm still dating this man). It wasn't until after I left the R where he would make comments like this. "I would have called off the engagement if......" or "I love you but she has this, this and that" "Me and her have problems but hopefully I will learn to love her." So my question is: Is he so wrong in choosing a good mother and a good provider over a person whom you love and have fun with? Is love not enough?
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 He wasn't married but engaged, still with someone else. Still bad timing. And if it was meant to be back then he would have called off the engagement. And he didn't... He obviously loved her, whether or not you believe that or if he told you he didn't/did or not. Love sometimes isnt' enough, especially if he may have had outside pressures on him to marry her. But, all in all, it was his choice, his life and he picked the wife who would suit him best in long term. Is that wrong? I don't know. To him it wasn't because he stuck with her and married her. What he did to you was wrong, treated you like second class, not good enough to be the one. I wasn't sure if you were still in contact with him or seeing him still. Now i know you're not...With that being said, it's time to move on and let him live his life...You need to live yours and find a guy who will love just you.
Sami_D Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Is he so wrong in choosing a good mother and a good provider over a person whom you love and have fun with? Is love not enough? Well, he's free to choose who he wants to be with, and what criteria he's going to base his decision on. None of that can be 'wrong' exactly. Though the woman he DID choose might have something to say about that IF she knew the way he was talking about their R. But then other people may view things differently. She may think that's a fine thing to base a R on. What do YOU think about that..? Would you be happy to 'have' him, had he expressed a wish to be with you because you could take care of him financially..? It wouldn't suit me, but that's me.
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Maybe his choice would have been different or her choice too. IF she knew there was another woman out there he was sharing his heart with, maybe she would have HAD the choice to walk away from him. He picked who suited him best. That doesn't mean he didn't love you less though.
Author BUTAFLY Posted January 19, 2006 Author Posted January 19, 2006 WWIU, He obviously loved her, whether or not you believe that or if he told you he didn't/did or not. Love sometimes isnt' enough, especially if he may have had outside pressures on him to marry her. But, all in all, it was his choice, his life and he picked the wife who would suit him best in long term. Is that wrong? I don't know. To him it wasn't because he stuck with her and married her As much as it hurts your right..he had to love her or else he wouldn't have married. And I was nieve enough to believe him when he said he didn't love her...S**T, I believed him when he said he was single. SAMI, you are so right. I wouldn't want him to be with me just for the things that I had. It's good to have reinforcement at times, you guys put things back in perspective for me. Thanx
silktricks Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 she a huge family with three grown children(20,17,12) of her own, which add an exciting dynamic to thier household. I look at the comparisons and he makes me feel sad for myself. She is 33 and im 29 and I'm not where I should be in life. She's 33 and has a 20 year old child? My god, are you sure you've got that right????????
Author BUTAFLY Posted January 20, 2006 Author Posted January 20, 2006 yes she had her first when she was 13
Author BUTAFLY Posted January 20, 2006 Author Posted January 20, 2006 I saw him today at work flirting with a new hire. I walked passed them in the vending machine room and she had her back against the wall giggling and he was hovered over her. when he saw me he got startled and put his hands in his pocket(I wonder if he had his ring on). I just smiled/shook my head, and got my drink and left. Poor girl is gonna fall for this fool i can see it. In some weird way it makes me feel good that he is still a jerk and will never change.
Sami_D Posted January 20, 2006 Posted January 20, 2006 it makes me feel good that he is still a jerk and will never change. Yes... he is a JERK ...and he will never change. Thank everything that's protecting you that you can see it
Recommended Posts