Too much too soon?

[FredEire]

So most likely the final update on this whole situation.

She ended up telling me that her friends had invited her to a Halloween party, and asked if I'd like to go with them.

Again it seemed to me like a big jump from patchy contact to inviting her out to meet her friends, but since the invitation was there I thought sure, why not.

We met for a drink before, she helped me pick out my costume and the vibe was pretty good like on the first date, she even brought me up to her flat to get ready with her and her friends and we all went to the party together.

But when we got to the club, she seemed way more interested in her phone than me, taking a million pictures of herself in the mirror and texting people. I tried to talk a bit to her friends but the music was pretty loud so it was difficult.

As the night went on she'd dance with me periodically, it was a lot of Latin dirty dancing type stuff which I did my best with but I'm Irish and Latin dancing isn't my strong suit

So as the night went on I did my best to mix, talk to people around but I just felt super confused by it all because honestly she didnt seem all that bothered that I was there. It kind of came to a head when she started dirty dancing with another guy in front of me. I was tempted to leave then and there to be honest, but I just said to her "look,.I came here tonight to spend time with you and your friends, are you enjoying being with me?" She told me that she was, and things changed a bit and she spend pretty much the rest of the night dancing with me.

Eventually she said she was tired and was going to leave, and took me with her. We walked out of the club and back through town, and she decided to tell me then that she's actually going home in December (to basically the other side of the world) and she said something to the effect of I like you but I don't want to waste your time, maybe we can keep in touch, etc.

[FredEire]

It just feels like she wanted to keep me at arm's length knowing that she was going away, wasn't sure at the beginning if maybe she wanted to hook up with me or not and probably then decided she didn't and just wanted a story about meeting a local guy while she was here.

It just feels quite lousy to me that she decided to only tell me now that she's basically going home in a month, and to be honest tonight I didn't feel very seen or valued, like I was just there to be a part of her story and I played into it. Even when we were dancing she would be looking all around the room like she was distracted or just didnt really want to be with me.

Despite her telling me "I dont want to waste your time" it feels like, well a monumental waste of time and energy to be honest.

 

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, FredEire said:

to be honest tonight I didn't feel very seen or valued

I don’t think that was her intention.

Most likely, she just felt awkward and perhaps a bit guilty, and didn’t quite know what to do and how to tell you that she was going away.

I’d also feel that such a party is a waste of time, but I wouldn’t call it “monumental”, it’s not like you guys were together for years and suddenly you discover that she never loved you at all. It was just one day, after all.

The positive thing here is that the girl did like you, it’s a bummer that she’s going away but there will be plenty more opportunities.

[FredEire]

28 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I don’t think that was her intention.

Most likely, she just felt awkward and perhaps a bit guilty, and didn’t quite know what to do and how to tell you that she was going away.

I’d also feel that such a party is a waste of time, but I wouldn’t call it “monumental”, it’s not like you guys were together for years and suddenly you discover that she never loved you at all. It was just one day, after all.

The positive thing here is that the girl did like you, it’s a bummer that she’s going away but there will be plenty more opportunities.

I'm exaggerating a bit there obviously. I met this girl a month ago so yeah obviously life will go on pretty quickly.

I do feel like its a bit lousy not to be upfront about that, but I guess she was curious when I originally asked me out and maybe thought that that might have killed my curiosity.

I also think she may have been trying to decide if she was open for something casual in the short time she's here but for whatever combination of reasons decided she didnt want that so it just kind of left a total dead end basically.

I do still kind of feel like she wasn't all that into me, but maybe wanted a story of briefly dating a local guy. I think if she felt a bit more.strongly there wouldn't have been such mixed messaging.

But yeah, a bummer for sure.

Edited October 27 by FredEire

[Sony12]

Yeah the majority of the time when things are first starting out and you aren't anything official yet it's never a good idea to accept an invitation to hang out with someone's friends. As the majority of the time they are going to be far more interested in their friends than they will be in you. And why wouldn't they be as they know them better than you. It's ok if you are both really young like in college or highschool and going to party's is just what people do but once you are in the adult world (not sure how old she is but I know you are in your early 30's) it will usually end up being pretty awkward. Wait until you two have officially agreed to become bf and gf to meet her friends.

I'm kind of guessing the reason she asked you to go to a party with her was because many of her friends were going to be bringing guys they were dating and she didn't want to be there by herself while her friends had dates with them. 

She may have had sex with you that night if things went well at the party but since it ended up getting awkward everything was pretty much off at that point when you two left.

Have you ever mentioned how old she is? She sounds like someone who would be about a decade younger than you. If she is quite a bit younger than you it would make her actions make more sense as as inviting people to party's is something normal for a 20-22 year old person to do. You being in your early 30's wouldn't be a good match for that though.

If she is about the same age as you though she definitely isn't that interested and was definitely just using you so she wouldn't feel out of place in front of her friends.

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, Sony12 said:

Yeah the majority of the time when things are first starting out and you aren't anything official yet it's never a good idea to accept an invitation to hang out with someone's friends. As the majority of the time they are going to be far more interested in their friends than they will be in you. And why wouldn't they be as they know them better than you. It's ok if you are both really young like in college or highschool and going to party's is just what people do but once you are in the adult world (not sure how old she is but I know you are in your early 30's) it will usually end up being pretty awkward. Wait until you two have officially agreed to become bf and gf to meet her friends.

I'm kind of guessing the reason she asked you to go to a party with her was because many of her friends were going to be bringing guys they were dating and she didn't want to be there by herself while her friends had dates with them. 

She may have had sex with you that night if things went well at the party but since it ended up getting awkward everything was pretty much off at that point when you two left.

Have you ever mentioned how old she is? She sounds like someone who would be about a decade younger than you. If she is quite a bit younger than you it would make her actions make more sense as as inviting people to party's is something normal for a 20-22 year old person to do. You being in your early 30's wouldn't be a good match for that though.

If she is about the same age as you though she definitely isn't that interested and was definitely just using you so she wouldn't feel out of place in front of her friends.

Yeah, I wasn't mad into the idea but was pretty unsure about where the whole thing was going in general so it was probably either go with an open mind and see what happened or call things off. I did do that once with my ex very early on but things just seemed to click with us and it all worked out well, but I agree its a bad idea in general, it puts you in a very vulnerable position with people you barely/don't know. It works for the most charismatic guys who are instantly best friends with everyone around them maybe but for the average guy its a bit sketch.

On the second point no, actually. There was one girl there who seemed to be with a guy but she was a friend of a friend and she didnt know her. The rest of them seemed to be single.

To be honest the fact that I can't Latin dance at all in itself made things awkward I've dated Latin girls before but generally they don't really involve you in that because they know its not something other cultures grow up doing. But yeah I get the general impression if you can't follow their lead on their dance floor its a bit of a turnoff for them.

She is the same age as me yeah. But as I said there wasn't a whole load of guys with them so I dont think she would have been out of place necessarily if I hadn't come.

All in all though I've always found that when a girl is more into me she's happy to let me take the lead at the beginning in terms of plans and things feel a bit more mutual. Even if things get awkward in some way they're happy to smooth it over somehow because they like you. Once you're left questioning what's going on between you it generally doesn't tend to go anywhere. 

Edited October 27 by FredEire

[Sanch62]

Really sorry about the outcome, Fred, but I'm also impressed by your willingness to accept the invitation rather than nix the idea just to sit home and sulk over the change in plans. That was brave of you, and I hope your takeaway won't be to play smaller just because this instance wasn't great. Embrace pride in your ability to bounce back from the small stuff. Resilience is a deliberate choice, and it's the best life skill we can adopt.

9 hours ago, FredEire said:

I also think she may have been trying to decide if she was open for something casual in the short time she's here but for whatever combination of reasons decided she didnt want that so it just kind of left a total dead end basically.

Sure, this is possible. Or she may have been on the fence about her commitment to the move, even if she was operating toward that goal. Her decision may have solidified only recently. But it's not really something you need to figure out.

Quote

I do still kind of feel like she wasn't all that into me, but maybe wanted a story of briefly dating a local guy. 

Mmmm, just using you for a story; really? That's a long reach, and a pointless one. Keep your head, Fred. Be mindful of what you feed it. Focus on dating as a process that can either be fun or dismal, depending on how you choose to perceive it. Learn helpful things from each experience rather than inventing the kind of stuff that only demoralizes yourself.

I promise I'm not telling you this is easy, but we always get to choose whether to make things easier or harder on ourselves, depending on the strength of our vision and what we choose to tell ourselves.

Head high. We are on your side.

[FredEire]

15 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

Really sorry about the outcome, Fred, but I'm also impressed by your willingness to accept the invitation rather than nix the idea just to sit home and sulk over the change in plans. That was brave of you, and I hope your takeaway won't be to play smaller just because this instance wasn't great. Embrace pride in your ability to bounce back from the small stuff. Resilience is a deliberate choice, and it's the best life skill we can adopt.

Sure, this is possible. Or she may have been on the fence about her commitment to the move, even if she was operating toward that goal. Her decision may have solidified only recently. But it's not really something you need to figure out.

Mmmm, just using you for a story; really? That's a long reach, and a pointless one. Keep your head, Fred. Be mindful of what you feed it. Focus on dating as a process that can either be fun or dismal, depending on how you choose to perceive it. Learn helpful things from each experience rather than inventing the kind of stuff that only demoralizes yourself.

I promise I'm not telling you this is easy, but we always get to choose whether to make things easier or harder on ourselves, depending on the strength of our vision and what we choose to tell ourselves.

Head high. We are on your side.

Thanks Sanch.

Yeah, I gave it a go in some fashion. To be honest I didnt find her as nice the second time round. Usually if you're dating someone worthwhile they are going to be considerate and making the effort to connect, I felt like this was more just about her and her night. And the endless pictures and instagram stories etc is something I personally can't stand, so we probably weren't very compatible in that sense anyway.

The issue is in the last year or so since I decided I was looking for something a bit more committed I've been making the effort and getting very little in return. I think in today's modern dating environment of young or youngish people in their 20s and 30s like myself people have a cover story that they are open and willing to make a connection but in practice you find something very different.

Funnily enough last year I decided I was just looking for casual for a while and I'd be pretty straightforward about it. I ended up in two FWB situations and when I said what I was offering it seemed to just defuse any tension and it developed quite naturally, perhaps because in that case I was playing the emotionally unavailable role. In both situations unfortunately eventually feelings came into it and it ended up becoming a situationship.

I keep going, but it does get exhausting.

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

I keep going, but it does get exhausting.

I hear. It's good to take some breaks to recharge. This can ground you and help you tap back into your intention refreshed rather than trying to operate through a lens of discouragement.

Glad you've gained clarity about your intention this year. Sure, of course, it will reduce your dating pool, but that's actually the point. For instance, you're clear that the SM kiddie 'show' isn't what you're about. So when you see a date who's all into that, you won't be invested in whether she'd still be into another date, or not. Your ego might be curious, but you won't view walking away as some big hit and disaster.

While it's great when we meet people who resonate with us, it helps to avoid attaching to that feeling and projecting all kinds of BS all over it. The whole goal of dating is to LEARN about a person--like a journalist--not make up stuff about them. If you keep assigning hits or misses to every. single. step. along the way, you're just contaminating that goal with useless noise and anxiety--for zero payoff.

Part of this dating thing might be to teach yourself a degree of gentle detachment that can benefit you in all aspects of the rest of your life. The good news is, I think you are capable of it, and can possibly even learn to enjOy it.

Edited October 27 by Sanch62

[FredEire]

18 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

I hear. It's good to take some breaks to recharge. This can ground you and help you tap back into your intention refreshed rather than trying to operate through a lens of discouragement.

Glad you've gained clarity about your intention this year. Sure, of course, it will reduce your dating pool, but that's actually the point. For instance, you're clear that the SM kiddie 'show' isn't what you're about. So when you see a date who's all into that, you won't be invested in whether she'd still be into another date, or not. Your ego might be curious, but you won't view walking away as some big hit and disaster.

While it's great when we meet people who resonate with us, it helps to avoid attaching to that feeling and projecting all kinds of BS all over it. The whole goal of dating is to LEARN about a person--like a journalist--not make up stuff about them. If you keep assigning hits or misses to every. single. step. along the way, you're just contaminating that goal with useless noise and anxiety--for zero payoff.

Part of this dating thing might be to teach yourself a degree of gentle detachment that can benefit you in all aspects of the rest of your life. The good news is, I think you are capable of it, and can possibly even learn to enjOy it.

Indeed.

It's hard to get perspective on it. If I knew for example that I was going to meet someone I really clicked with in the near future, it would be worth slogging through all the near misses and emotional unavailability.

But then again it's hard to deny that as someone who's used to having a fairly active dating life, albeit with people I knew  maybe weren't the best fit, or when I was more emotionally unavailable myself, it can all feel pretty lonely and unfulfilled, and that feeling of scarcity creates a pressure in itself.

Anyway thanks for your thoughts, a lot to digest.

[FredEire]

She actually texted me again this morning, some pictures she took of us that night, and asking if I had recovered yet.

Hard to know what to even respond. In all honesty given the way things went doing friendly meetups until she heads off to the other side of the world isn't something Im particularly interested in.

Edited October 28 by FredEire

[Sony12]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

She actually texted me again this morning, some pictures she took of us that night, and asking if I had recovered yet.

Hard to know what to even respond. In all honesty given the way things went doing friendly meetups until she heads off to the other side of the world isn't something Im particularly interested in.

At this point I think I would just tell her that you aren't feeling it between the two of you. She isn't going to suddenly change at this point and become all into you. She's just trying to keep you at her beck and call so you can give her company if she ever wants your company.

Edited October 28 by Sony12

[Sanch62]

12 hours ago, FredEire said:

It's hard to get perspective on it. If I knew for example that I was going to meet someone I really clicked with in the near future, it would be worth slogging through all the near misses and emotional unavailability.

Well, nobody gets that guarantee. You get to decide at all times whether an effort is worth a potential payoff, or not. When not, skip dating for a while. Connect more closely with family, friends, and community. When dating is worth it to you, pursue it, but put a check on how difficult you proclaim that it 'must' be, because your mind is always listening, and it will perform accurately to make this process exactly as difficult or as easy as you decide that it is. Choose your language and attitudes wisely.

Quote

But then again it's hard to deny that as someone who's used to having a fairly active dating life, albeit with people I knew  maybe weren't the best fit, or when I was more emotionally unavailable myself, it can all feel pretty lonely and unfulfilled, and that feeling of scarcity creates a pressure in itself.

Shift your focus away from a perception of scarcity in dating toward invested involvement with your friends, family, and community. These connections are not about filling a void, they're about grounding you in foundational ways you can't fathom with imagination. They are experiential, not intellectual. They build the emotional resilience muscles you'll need to navigate ANYthing, and are transferable to viewing dating through a lens of solidity in your private values and desires, as opposed to fantasy projections that cause anxiety and pressure, which derail you every step of the way.

If you want to effort less and enjoy more, you will make the investment in cultivating your core connections--and that's got nothing to do with dating, but it impacts every aspect of dating. 

[FredEire]

12 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Well, nobody gets that guarantee. You get to decide at all times whether an effort is worth a potential payoff, or not. When not, skip dating for a while. Connect more closely with family, friends, and community. When dating is worth it to you, pursue it, but put a check on how difficult you proclaim that it 'must' be, because your mind is always listening, and it will perform accurately to make this process exactly as difficult or as easy as you decide that it is. Choose your language and attitudes wisely.

Shift your focus away from a perception of scarcity in dating toward invested involvement with your friends, family, and community. These connections are not about filling a void, they're about grounding you in foundational ways you can't fathom with imagination. They are experiential, not intellectual. They build the emotional resilience muscles you'll need to navigate ANYthing, and are transferable to viewing dating through a lens of solidity in your private values and desires, as opposed to fantasy projections that cause anxiety and pressure, which derail you every step of the way.

If you want to effort less and enjoy more, you will make the investment in cultivating your core connections--and that's got nothing to do with dating, but it impacts every aspect of dating. 

Good advice Sanch.

Without getting too much into personal stuff I've always had a fractured relationship with family, which became more fractured during and after Covid. I also went through a hard breakup just before it, it was a really hard time which knocked me off my feet. I do what I can with it but family stuff more or less is what it is.

Ive also gone through a long period of unemployment this year after working in an industry for years which is no longer really serving me or feeling like its stimulating or useful for my development. In addition most of my closest friends now live in other countries, I have a few genuine people around me I have met this year but I wouldn't say those friendships have the same depth.

In short I've gone in what feels like the blink of an eye from a confident guy in his mid 20s making strides in life to early 30s wondering what the hell happened and where the next step is. I'm just working on inviting some lightness and fulfillment back in, but I realise that something like dating has to be a side effect of that, not a means to an end.

Edited Wednesday at 03:06 PM by FredEire

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

... I've always had a fractured relationship with family, which became more fractured during and after Covid. I also went through a hard breakup just before it, it was a really hard time which knocked me off my feet. I do what I can with it but family stuff more or less is what it is.

I'm sorry to hear this. What is the fracture about, and is it with your entire family, or do you have any contact with any members at all?

Quote

Ive also gone through a long period of unemployment this year after working in an industry for years which is no longer really serving me or feeling like its stimulating or useful for my development.

Are you currently working? What is the industry, and what ideas are you considering about transferring your skills to another industry?

Quote

In addition most of my closest friends now live in other countries, I have a few genuine people around me I have met this year but I wouldn't say those friendships have the same depth.

Have you remained in touch with your closest friends? The newer, lesser depth friendships can be helpful to meet specific but limited needs, and sometimes a deeper friendship can form with someone with whom we've underestimated our ability to resonate. So 'face value' can be a good thing that sometimes holds a degree of mystery to be tapped, or it can serve as a slim connection through one or two shared interests or values. Either way, these can be cultivated by making small commitments that serve them-not-me, only to have these experiences touch something inside us that needs to be opened up. Also, keep making new friends.

Quote

In short I've gone in what feels like the blink of an eye from a confident guy in his mid 20s making strides in life to early 30s wondering what the hell happened and where the next step is.

I hear. 30's are a typical age for this. It feels dark, but it's a shedding and is transformational.

Quote

I'm just working on inviting some lightness and fulfillment back in, but I realise that something like dating has to be a side effect of that, not a means to an end.

Yes! This is well said. It's not that the overall process of dating can't be a means to an end; it's wise to have a goal. But it's good to make room for the idea that while you are working through some big transformational stuff, your approach to a given goal might still be more anchored by the stuff you're shedding rather than who you are becoming.

That's why taking breaks to ground yourself in a community you tap into or build for yourself is so helpful in supporting larger pursuits, such as career and finding a partner. 

[Sony12]

Yeah sorry about the family situation Fred. It probably would be best to take a break from dating for awhile if you are finding yourself a little unsatisfied with your own personal life. Focus on just meeting regular friends instead of meeting potential love interests.

 

 

 

 

 

[FredEire]

3 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

I'm sorry to hear this. What is the fracture about, and is it with your entire family, or do you have any contact with any members at all?

Are you currently working? What is the industry, and what ideas are you considering about transferring your skills to another industry?

Have you remained in touch with your closest friends? The newer, lesser depth friendships can be helpful to meet specific but limited needs, and sometimes a deeper friendship can form with someone with whom we've underestimated our ability to resonate. So 'face value' can be a good thing that sometimes holds a degree of mystery to be tapped, or it can serve as a slim connection through one or two shared interests or values. Either way, these can be cultivated by making small commitments that serve them-not-me, only to have these experiences touch something inside us that needs to be opened up. Also, keep making new friends.

I hear. 30's are a typical age for this. It feels dark, but it's a shedding and is transformational.

Yes! This is well said. It's not that the overall process of dating can't be a means to an end; it's wise to have a goal. But it's good to make room for the idea that while you are working through some big transformational stuff, your approach to a given goal might still be more anchored by the stuff you're shedding rather than who you are becoming.

That's why taking breaks to ground yourself in a community you tap into or build for yourself is so helpful in supporting larger pursuits, such as career and finding a partner. 

My immediate family has been since childhood really. Family tragedies and my parents have been in a loveless functional relationship since I was very young. I get on with them as best I can but there is very little emotional availability there. I know I will never connect with them as deeply as I needed when I was a child. I'm aware that it's affected my adult relationships, I've been going to therapy for a long time, but it's tough to unpack.

The wider family I had some great relationships with grandparents, aunties, uncles, but lets just say that we had some differences of opinion on Covid and some of said relationships will never really be the same unfortunately.

Im an ESL teacher. It can be interesting work sometimes, you learn a lot about people and cultures, but its the same pay whether you are 18 or 65 and Ive taught the same grammar points and topics now what feels like 10000 times. Im doing bits and pieces, enough to get by.

I have a masters in translation and Im looking to get into something with that, sales, marketing, or data. But all of those industries are really tough to get into without degrees and several years experience in my country. Between bouts of depression and low motivation and constant reject emails its been tough to stay motivated.

Yes I keep in touch with friends, but text or facetime just isn't the same. A university friend came to visit at the weekend and it was like a breath of fresh air connecting with him again. I have a few people around now but yes its more transactional and surface level as you described, just fun nice people to socialise with.

Yeah, it definitely feels like a transition period, I know the choices I make now are critical but it does add to the pressure and make it hard to relax and flow naturally

 

 

[smackie9]

Get your degree then....online courses are available and way more affordable than traditional means. Then go seek out an employment/career advisor. Or find employment that offers advancement paid for by them. 

[FredEire]

16 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Get your degree then....online courses are available and way more affordable than traditional means. Then go seek out an employment/career advisor. Or find employment that offers advancement paid for by them. 

Yeah the answer is probably back to school again. The thing is I have several degrees already but they are either quite useless (philosophy) or not really specific enough to a job I want to get into (translation MA and online business diploma).

The issue is I won't lie the thought of scrimping and saving doing a job I dont like to get me through another 2+ years of school at the age of 32 is depressing. But its probably better than continue to try and fail to get into industries Im not qualified enough for

[Sanch62]

On 10/29/2025 at 3:23 PM, FredEire said:

I have a masters in translation and Im looking to get into something with that, sales, marketing, or data. But all of those industries are really tough to get into without degrees and several years experience in my country.

You can work in AI. Coursera and other online study sites offer certification. Your skills are valuable for work in data, training development, sales, or marketing for AI translation platforms. My annual Coursera subscription was cheap, but they have a monthly subscription, too. You can use a free trial period to take modules of programs to see if you like the courses.

The certifications are issued by companies like Google, IBM, and others invested in broadening the AI workforce..

You don't need a hefty science or engineering degree to transfer your current skills to AI. It's common for people to do this by just layering a certification on top of their current resume. In fact, the AI course I'm taking even teaches you how to use AI to write that kind of resume and cover letter FOR you.

Edited Sunday at 05:40 PM by Sanch62