Lishy Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I met my ex H and slept with him on our second date - We where together for 14 years and then I met a guy and we had sex on 3rd date and BOOM!! I developed feelings but he ran for the hills! The second one ran, not because we had sex but because he did not want a relationship, he still has feelings for his ex and he doesnt want a relationship with me. Lots of different reasons but I am sure that if I had made him wait a year the outcome would have been the same. Saying that tho - I think it is a good idea to wait before having sex beacuse if you are anything like me you will find that you can think you have more feelings for a guy once you have shared your body with them! Mind you we are all different maybe you can have sex and still keep a clear head - I just need to learn how to do that hhahahha! My advice BTW is to back off and let him come to you now! If you do that then you will know his real feelings and not be second guessing him. Keep us updtaed hon I am interested as to where this is going for you!
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 You don't give him a chance to develop any sense of emotional connection (i.e. respect) to her, and when you reverse the natural progression from sex to feelings instead of feelings to sex, you run the risk of running him off when you start to express those feelings. Why should respect and an emotional connection be based on sexual anticipation? And if they were, what exactly would be their value or authenticity? Zilch.
amerikajin Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Why should respect and an emotional connection be based on sexual anticipation? And if they were, what exactly would be their value or authenticity? Zilch. It's a question of motives, and to a lesser extent, playing the odds. The majority of men have a very simple motive: sex. A good relationship may or may not be the motive, but at the very least, sex is a motive for a man's behavior. I'm not saying that it's not the same for women, but take a look at the threads on this site and just think about your own experiences...a man often wants sex without necessarily wanting an emotional connection beyond that. I don't know why you're debating this but I'll try to explain what I'm saying more clearly. You see, if I wait and get to know someone well enough before having sex with them, I start to care about them. I start to care about how my actions affect them. I no longer assume that sex is just sex. I understand that because there are feelings already established, that sex means more than just getting physical. It means more to her, and it means more to me, too. If I get to know someone, I start thinking about the movies we've been to together, or the walk in the park, or that day at Disney World, or that candlelight dinner, and those many great conversations. I think about how our relationship has progressed and I become more sensitive to that. The sex is a culmination of that. Conversely, I know that if I have sex with some girl on the 2nd date, there's a part of me that's going to take her for granted. I haven't even developed a history with her. I haven't invested any time in a relationship. I have no loyalty or emotions tied to her. If I leave, I leave. Sure, I might feel a little guilty, but come on...it was sex on the second date - what did you expect? As well, if she leaves, she leaves. I might be disappointed, but I'll get over it. I bet most men reading this would feel the same way. Call us pigs if you like, but that's just the way it is. I say it's a matter of odds because a majority of men that I know probably would see it not entirely as I've written above, but would hold that to be generally true across the board. Of course you could luck out and find a guy who's instantly smitten and doesn't need much time to develop a connection. THat could happen, I do concede...but the odds are against it.
amerikajin Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 The second one ran, not because we had sex but because he did not want a relationship, he still has feelings for his ex and he doesnt want a relationship with me. Lots of different reasons but I am sure that if I had made him wait a year the outcome would have been the same. No guy will ever run from sex. A guy will run because he doesn't want a relationship. The second guy you mentioned drifted away because he had no loyalty to you. I am not saying that sex will repulse a man, I'm saying that in the beginning, for most guys, sex is the end game. It is the manifestation of lust, a man's natural physical attraction for that which he finds appealing to the eye. If you give him that, you may never know what he finds appealing to his mind and heart...he reserves the right to seek that from someone else. That's why I say, developing that emotional connection, making him work for what he thought he wanted in the beginning...that is the anchor that keeps him moored to you. That, my friend, is what I am saying.
Lishy Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Like I said honey - That guy would have run no matter how long I made him wait for sex! His heart belongs to his ex and he has great ambition to get back with her. He did me a favour anyway, who wants to be second best? Not me, that is for sure!
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 That could happen, I do concede...but the odds are against it. Well, I see what you're getting at, but I already told you what my (admittedly extensive) dating experience has yielded. Maybe I just don't gravitate toward your type of guy. But sex on the first date has NEVER, I repeat NEVER, impeded the growth of emotional attachment or respect in my relationships. It's always been a whirlwind romance where passion, infatuation, love and sex intermingled on the very first night. Love does not seem to grow in my relationships. It's either there from the very beginning or it isn't. I've come to think that love which requires time to grow is somehow less real than immediate chemistry. Maybe that's a fallacy, but it's resulted in some very rewarding and long-lived relationships for me. I'm an intuitive type who falls for other intuitive types. Maybe that's why we find enough to go on so quickly. If, conversely, we don't find those things in each other, then the wait-and-see approach is merely adaptation to the other's inadequacies. But again, I know I'm an abnormal person who dates other abnormal people. My life could very well be the exception to every dating theory ever postulated. We're just not very restrained people, emotionally or physically. And I'm not ever going to call a man a pig. To condemn basic human nature is to condemn nature itself. Silly and pointless. All I'm saying is that your theory may be functional, but it has not held true for me and, in my view, seems like faulty logic.
cygny Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 And I'm not ever going to call a man a pig. To condemn basic human nature is to condemn nature itself. hey! aren't you dissing pigs?? lol
Lishy Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I love calling men pigs!!!!!!!!! Its my favourite pastime!!!!
Rebellious Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 cygny: Your responses here and elsewhere are very thoughtful. 373 Posts in a few days ?! You must love typing I'd love some private advice from you. rina_r : Both scenarios happen, but my personal experience is more like what BlahBlahQueen describes. Sex on first date is sometimes just a booty call, but not always. My wife was a booty call on the first date, yet I married her. I never ignore an initial powerful connection, and I won't hesitate to act on it. Women use men for sex too sometimes. They've got to have you, and once they've had their fill they "change their mind". It has happened to me occasionally and it hurts, but the pain is bittersweet by comparison . . .
Author rina_r Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 Rebellious, it was NOT sex on the 1st date! None of us aimed for it.Two dates in a row (each one lasted 5 hours), we just enjoyed conversation and each others company.
cygny Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 why thank you rebellious. rina you are doing great and glad he called. the sex thing---it's just something for you to be aware of that's all--alot of guys are really exactly like that--- obviously this guy likes you...just make sure you two spend quality time together -- it is still early days so better to keep your eyes open...
Rebellious Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I've heard this advice so many times, it holds true for some people but it's meaningless for others. An archetypal alpha male will get sex elsewhere (if that's all he wants), so the woman does not accomplish anything by making him wait (other than spend lonely nights with her B.O.B.). A less attractive male may have to "work for it", and fall into the trap of being a "nice guy". When women do this to me, I see it as a game and I blow them off. Denying the sexual attraction creates the suspicion that it doesn't exist (boring), or that the woman is probably frigid, a control freak, or sexually repressed, lacks spontaneity, a clock-ticking, calculating, husband-hunter that cannot appreciate *just being with you*, i.e. an insight into her other character traits (a "nice girl"). I've found that women play a more careful game with a desirable male, and they often overdo it and get dumped, often right after sex, sometimes for disappointing after all, sometimes as retribution for leading on and playing the mind game. Then they come post here about it, "Why did I get played?". It sounds harsh, but I don't mean it that way, most women don't want to settle for leftovers (friendly "nice guys") so they take calculated risks. But you can't generalize, we all get used for a booty call occasionally, there's no denying Mother Nature. (Way to go BlahBlahQueen)
Rebellious Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Rebellious, it was NOT sex on the 1st date! None of us aimed for it.Two dates in a row (each one lasted 5 hours), we just enjoyed conversation and each others company. sorry rina_r, I didn't mean to misquote you. I agree with Cygny, I don't think you're being played but I don't blame you for worrying about it. Try to relax, there are no guarantees in life.
cygny Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 she does accomplish something, it's just not what you as a male relate to probably. a woman will bond much easier with a male she has sex with. so to delay gratification and see if he is really interested in her as a person--she protects herself somewhat emotionally by doing this. generally its harder for a woman to separate the sex and emotions. this is why all the posts about is he playing me---a woman thinks that if a guy wants to 'do' her, that he likes her enough for a relationship too, at least as a possibility. such is obviously not always the case.
Author rina_r Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 Well, I know how F*** buddy relationships are: mostly everything about sex. We had it only twice - the rest of the time spent doing "intellectual" things. And I am calling him tonite, as he had a doctor's appointment today.
Lishy Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Wow I am so pleased I read this post! I have been feeling really bad lately as I developed feelings for my fk buddy. He did not want a relationship and it left me with very low self esteem! Reading these posts has made me realise that no matter how long I waited to sleep with him (we did it after 3 dates all where all night up talking) it would have had the same result! Rina Just chill honey and go with your instinct, all new relationships are scary and will bring up self doubt and worry. Just go with it and enjoy yourself. And keep us posted!!!!!!!!!
Rebellious Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 she does accomplish something, it's just not what you as a male relate to probably. a woman will bond much easier with a male she has sex with. so to delay gratification and see if he is really interested in her as a person--she protects herself somewhat emotionally by doing this. generally its harder for a woman to separate the sex and emotions. this is why all the posts about is he playing me---a woman thinks that if a guy wants to 'do' her, that he likes her enough for a relationship too, at least as a possibility. such is obviously not always the case. You are so right, it's also hard to judge the posters' age, experience and mental state. Most posts here are of the "Dear Abbey" type, impossible to help without knowing the people involved. But your various posts are very impressive. I noticed how you respond to the point, with compassion, and your ability to read between the lines. Why does a good girl like you give free advice on the web?
Author rina_r Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 Rina Just chill honey and go with your instinct, all new relationships are scary and will bring up self doubt and worry. Just go with it and enjoy yourself. ! Well, Lishy, it is kinda difficult to enjoy when u r all in doubts. After one divorce and many unsuccessful dates (whether was sex involved or not), feels like i better off alone. Less pain.
cygny Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 You are so right, it's also hard to judge the posters' age, experience and mental state. Most posts here are of the "Dear Abbey" type, impossible to help without knowing the people involved. But your various posts are very impressive. I noticed how you respond to the point, with compassion, and your ability to read between the lines. Why does a good girl like you give free advice on the web? ya think i should go professional? lol i've got vacation right now, will be shortly over. and i came here originally because i had a question of my own--if you feel like it, go back to post #1 of mine. i'd appreciate a male's perspective, because i didn't get much feedback.
Lishy Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Dont say that honey! You know deep down you are waiting on that person to come into your life who adores you! He is just gonna have to walk that extra mile to prove it to you! I am in the same situation, my guards are so high that if a guy seems to like me I naturally assume he just wants to get into my pants. If I am honest I do wonder how anyone could love me as I do not love myself. I know I am a nice person and I know I could get a guy if I wanted to. But I also know that he would have so much to prove and it is all down to my past and my fears! What guy would be willing to pay the price for my life before I met him? Not bloody many I can tell you! But Honey let me tell you - I met a guy who rocked me, he really did, and I screwed it up from the start with my own insecurities and he didnt even get to know me. He told me everything about himself and I told him nadda! But I expected him to know what I wanted and I told him I wanted the opposite from what I really wanted - All because subconciousley I wanted him to prove to me I was lovable. It has left me feeling like the least loveable person in the world. So my honest advice to you would be to learn from me, that the guards you have up will only destroy you. If you are doubting him then listen to your doubts, stand back and take time to think about things. If, however, you do not have doubts but are just scared because of your past then TRY to let that go and just enjoy what you have. Take it day by day and you never know hon, he could turn out to be a very important part of your life. I understand your feelings about it being better to be alone and in less pain, but honey it does get lonely doesn't it? And honey if not then just learn from it. We have to be open if we want to find love -
Author rina_r Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 Well, I called him - no answer, but he called me back right away. Talked about stuff. He told me he liked me a lot. Also he told me that besides being hurt he is dealing with some "baggage" from previous relationship (ended 2 months ago)... I talked to a good friend of mine and he says it is a bunch of BS and I need to tell him "to sh*t or get off the pot". I ll see how this weekend turns out and then might just do it.
Rebellious Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 ya think i should go professional? lol i've got vacation right now, will be shortly over. and i came here originally because i had a question of my own--if you feel like it, go back to post #1 of mine. i'd appreciate a male's perspective, because i didn't get much feedback. OK I read your thread, "Was my old friend just playing me all along?" It's a very disturbing thread, no wonder you didn't get much feedback. I'll tell you what I think, if you can stand it, message me if you want, my email is in my profile.
cygny Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 OK I read your thread, "Was my old friend just playing me all along?" It's a very disturbing thread, no wonder you didn't get much feedback. I'll tell you what I think, if you can stand it, message me if you want, my email is in my profile. done. thanks!
Lishy Posted January 19, 2006 Posted January 19, 2006 Well, I called him - no answer, but he called me back right away. Talked about stuff. He told me he liked me a lot. Also he told me that besides being hurt he is dealing with some "baggage" from previous relationship (ended 2 months ago)... I talked to a good friend of mine and he says it is a bunch of BS and I need to tell him "to sh*t or get off the pot". I ll see how this weekend turns out and then might just do it. Hey cut him some slack! Just take it easy and see where it goes - He MAY have baggage (like you do too) let him go at his own speed. If it does not suit you then do what you have to but if you like this guy then give him the benefit of the doubt!
Author rina_r Posted January 19, 2006 Author Posted January 19, 2006 Lishy, I dont have any baggage that holds me back. I got over it. I took time aftre divorce and worked on myself. How do I know how long he ll deal with it? Maybe forever.
Recommended Posts