rina_r Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I am just afraid to be hurt again. We accidentally met 2 weeks ago in a club, clicked right away, had a date on the next day, another one on the day after (sex too). Since then he called me practically every day (I would too, just he does it first); met several times (I m pretty busy with work and stuff). Met last Friday. We were supposed to go out on Saturday but he said he was moving and it took all day. On Sunday he said he was sick (asthma). On Monday he text messaged me he was not quite well still. I called and suggested I come visit him. But he was busy with the car. Later in the eve he called me and said he met some friends and was hanging out with them (so, apparently not THAT sick??). I dont know whether I shoudl drop him as a hot potato or give him time...
cygny Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 sounds like he needs a break from you --he did call you last night, didn't he? just didn't want to see you. give him space. don't get too focussed on this relationship. it's too early. Also I think it is good that you are being wary. If he broke the date on Saturday etc, not a good sign. lots of excuses one right after the other, don't you think?
Author rina_r Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 But I like him a lot and want to know more about him, and the only way for it is communication!???
cygny Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 don't pressure him, you'll come off as needy and desperate and he will run. go do something else and let him have some breathing room.
Author rina_r Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 Does it mean I have to always wait till he makes the 1st move (calls, asks out , etc)???
cygny Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 not always, no. but if you are making moves and he is coming up with excuses, then I think he is giving you a hint to back off, what do you think? you said you wonder whether you are being played???
Author rina_r Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 But it would be more fair to just say "no, i cant tonite" instead of making me wait all day and then call and make an excuse... Also, he was the one who suggested to go out on Saturday but then messed it up.
bluechocolate Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Also, he was the one who suggested to go out on Saturday but then messed it up. He moved house that day, cut the guy some slack. It sounds to me like you're spending too much time together & you're investing too much emotionally way too fast. You only met two weeks ago and you've got some time to go yet before deciding if you two are even dating exclusively. Relax already.
cygny Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 But it would be more fair to just say "no, i cant tonite" instead of making me wait all day and then call and make an excuse... Also, he was the one who suggested to go out on Saturday but then messed it up. right. i agree with you. so you need to read the tea leaves, so to speak. men are usually not going to be upfront with you, you have to take their actions as signals. he's not being very courteous. but maybe you are coming off as too available or clingy. don't take anything personally. just learn to read signals and play your cards close to your chest especially so early in the relationship. this thing may just fizzle. don't make the mistake of chasing him away.
amerikajin Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Bottom line: this was a booty call. He got what he wanted. You just can't expect someone to take you seriously if you have sex with him on the 2nd date, all within the span of a week. Just don't call him and give him some time to think...maybe he'll call again, but frankly, I think the tone of this relationship has already been set.
Author rina_r Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 Amerikajin, just dont lecture me about having sex on 3rd date! For many it is all about 1st date! We met many times, and it was not all about sex at all!
amerikajin Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Rina, I'm not lecturing you - it's your life and you're free to live it as you please. I've had sex on the first and second date myself, so I'm not sitting in judgment of you. I'm just telling you what you already know but don't seem to want to come to grips with at the moment: when you shake and bake under the covers without giving someone the opportunity to know the real you, don't be surprised if they take your romance for granted. From a guy's point of view, dating is now somewhat anti-climactic. It's possible he might come around but I doubt it. Like I said, he got his prize. He didn't even have to work for it. You gave him what any girl could have, so you're not special in his book. You might have been if you'd forced him to get to know you better. I'm not questioning your decision to sleep with him on the 3rd date; I'm questioning your decision to sleep with him on the 3rd date and expecting anything substantive to come from it.
Author rina_r Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 Thanks, Cygny, you are probably right.
elijahBailey Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I don't think amerikajin is lecturing or being patronizing.... In fact, he's speaking the truth. Any woman can give a guy what he wants. And, in general, the longer you make him wait, your value increases. Nothing wrong with having it on the 1st of 2nd date... (hey, it's yer life). But the basic rules of the game don't change. We treasure what is difficult to come by and disregard what we've gotten easily. It's the simple truth. And, oh.... IMHO, you weren't being played. You just made things too easy for him. The guy needs time out.
PlentyLV007 Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Rina, I just recently made the decision....I mean I didn't sleep with him but, orally speaking on around the 2nd date.....I mean he was all over me on the first and I was just as attracted to him as him to me! So, I wanted to...and we talked a lot and what not.....called me all the time...yet every time we talked he expected it....he wanted to know when he was going to get it again...blah blah....at least he was straight out...right.... I actually liked him and wanted more...but, I was being naive....so I don't call and he still finds a way to get it. I'm just not giving it that easy no more. So, give him some space and next time you guys make plans to hang our...."really hang out". We live and learn! Hope this helps!
cygny Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 From a guy's point of view, dating is now somewhat anti-climactic. yeah...this is a really clear way of putting it, bottom line. Rina don't feel bad if he doesn't come around, just chalk it up to experience and move on as fast as your feet can take you. It doesn't mean he "wouldn't" have really liked you and wanted to date, it probably all just happened to fast. and maybe he will still call. but either way, you need to pull back and look around a bit. 1
Author rina_r Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 I dont know why everyone went into sex discussion...We did not have it every date! Most of our dates were about conversation, movies, tea.!
cygny Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 it went there because this is a fairly typical scenario, and the men gave you a reading on it from their point of view. of course he will probably call you tomorrow...lol...no one knows for sure why a man doesn't call but when he doesn't and makes excuses, it's usually best to put him on the backburner...
Author rina_r Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 Well, he called me today, twice; left a long message and on the 2nd time I picked up. We talked. He said he was sorry and said he did not want a person he likes see him sick, etc.
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Don't listen to the crap about post-sex being anti-climactic. Sometimes I bone on the first date; sometimes I bone on the hundredth... it's not like I set a sex schedule. Both approaches work equally for me in terms of meaningful relationships. If he only wanted you for the thrill of the chase, it's better that you got it out of the way anyway so you can ditch him like last week's garbage. In fact, I find that it's a foolproof process for weeding-out game-playing as$holes. If a man sees it as something to be chased and ditched, he's not the kind of man I want anyway... not very mature. The ones who want a real relationship see you for YOU, and they stay if they like what they see.
amerikajin Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 It doesn't always turn out to be anti-climactic but it does in an overwhelming majority of cases - any guy will tell you that. I agree that sex doesn't have a magic number of dates attached to it, but it is common sense that if you get physical before there's an emotional attachment, you run the risk of never having an attachment. It's like letting someone walk out of a store without paying for the merchandise first.
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 It's like letting someone walk out of a store without paying for the merchandise first. And what exactly is the merchandise here - her, or her sex? Should she have tried to sell the package by luring him in with the hope of future sex? Sex as a weapon... what a crock.
amerikajin Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Didn't say it was a weapon. Sorry you don't like my take on it, but this is coming straight from a guy's point of view here. Sex is an act of intimacy. If someone get's intimate before they have feelings, then sex is nothing but mutual masturbation - it's fun and it feels damn good, but it may turn out to be nothing special in the long run. You don't give him a chance to develop any sense of emotional connection (i.e. respect) to her, and when you reverse the natural progression from sex to feelings instead of feelings to sex, you run the risk of running him off when you start to express those feelings. If you want to have a f*ck buddy kind of relationship, then that's one thing, but you really shouldn't expect feelings to develop from a situation like this. Of course it could defy the odds and turn out to be a stellar relationship, but that's not what happens typically.
Author rina_r Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 Smart things to say, BlahBlahQueen. Double standards everywhere - women are always the ones who r bad and dirty whether they do or dont do something.
amerikajin Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 No, it's not about double standards. I've known guys who've fallen into the same trap and slept with a girl who only wanted sex, when in fact the guy wanted much more than that. That sword can cut both ways, although I'd say it's more likely that a guy is purely out for a hump than a woman.
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