I miss my ex-girlfriend and I can't forget her

[Anonymous]

I'm writing this post simply because I want to vent, but I have no one to. Three days ago, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me. I was madly in love with her and did everything I could to make our relationship work. We had some difficult moments, but we resolved them through communication and returned to our usual loving state. On our last date, which started out wonderful, she started acting strange, as if something had happened, but she refused to tell me what it was, though it was obvious it had something to do with me. She suddenly became uncommunicative and silent. After we went home, she texted that she had made the firm decision to break up. I suspect she made this decision before the date, but it's not entirely clear what triggered it, and I was never able to find out anything from her. I was shocked, confused, and angry, and texted that I hated her.

Since then, I've felt destroyed. I feel like crap. Everything I think about is her; memories about our cute moments make me cry. There are so many things associated with her. I miss her so much, and out of habit, I think every message I get on messenger is from her. I'm so lonely, every day begins with sadness because I know there won't be any more "good morning" texts. She hurt me, more than anyone else in my life, but I'm ready to forgive her and start over. I really want her to text me, just to talk, but I know that will never happen... I think the first step should be on her part, because, firstly, she blocked me everywhere, secondly, it would be clown-like for me to fall to my knees and beg for everything to go back to the way it was, and thirdly, she is to blame for what happened and she should understand this. What I wrote about hating her was impulsive and not true. Actually, it's more like a very strong resentment, and I don't wish her any harm. I'm not going to stalk her and grieve for the rest of my life. I know this will pass after a few weeks or month, but I'm having a really hard time right now. If there was a chance to fix everything, I would take it...

[Gebidozo]

What exactly were the “difficult moments” of your relationship that you’re referring to?

Nobody breaks up for no reason at all. The relationship must have had problems, and if you understand their root and cause, you’ll be more likely to succeed in your next relationship.

Use these tough times to reflect on that and figure out what needs to be done to lower the likelihood of such breakups occurring in the future.

[Anonymous]

She had mental health issues that made her irritated when I tried to support her and be there, and it triggered my own mental health issues, which I thought had eased considerably since the start of our relationship. It was incredibly draining, but I didn't make a great problem out of it—she was the person I loved most in the world, so I tried to be understanding and would never turn my back on her. I was ready to go through all the difficulties with her, and she promised the same thing. Her decision to end the relationship was clearly influenced by her mood swings, and if there was any chance of saving the relationship, I think I threw it away with my rude "I hate you." It kills me that our perfect relationship turned into this mess.

[glows]

Are you sure you weren’t smothering? I have no idea the details and I know you’re upset and grieving but reading just your words gives the feeling of smothering someone to death like you were way up in her business and dressed as “support”. We sometimes have to learn to step back and allow for the autonomy in others. Thats how healthy relationships grow and thrive when people can also be their individual selves. 

The fact that she broke up after she  distanced herself when she returned home and texted you/not even a call speaks volumes that she doesn’t trust your reaction to things. This is a subtle not so subtle hint.

Edited Wednesday at 07:41 AM by glows

[Anonymous]

There were times when I felt like I was smothering her, and when she let me know she wanted some alone time, it started happening less often, but sometimes my anxiety kicked in because I was genuinely worried about her and I couldn't help but try to find out what was going on. In situations like these, it really bothered me that she didn't tell me anything and simply distanced herself. It would be wrong of me, as a boyfriend, to ignore my girlfriend's condition. And I think if she were more open in this regard, I would worry less and there wouldn’t be any problems. Since the last time we talked about it, everything had been fine. We communicated actively, were saying how much we loved each other, and nothing foreshadowed trouble until our last date. As for her texting instead of calling, that's normal. We're both introverts, and we've always preferred communicating by text when we're not face-to-face.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Anonymous said:

It kills me that our perfect relationship turned into this mess.

I don't mean to devalue what you had, but it doesn't sound as though this relationship was perfect. 

In reality, no relationship is perfect. Perhaps part of the problem here was actually minimizing the issues you two had and not really addressing them effectvely.  

37 minutes ago, Anonymous said:

sometimes my anxiety kicked in because I was genuinely worried about her and I couldn't help but try to find out what was going on

Can you give us an example of such an occasion?  What happened, and how did you find out what was going on?

[Carlston]

2 hours ago, Anonymous said:

she is to blame for what happened and she should understand this. 

Yes of course she is, you didn't do anything to cause the breakup, it's all on her and she better understand this.

 

 

 

[basil67]

It's so difficult to not know the trigger for someone making the decision to end things.   But to unpack further, what topics had the two of you een discussing prior to her making this decision?

[glows]

5 hours ago, Anonymous said:

There were times when I felt like I was smothering her, and when she let me know she wanted some alone time, it started happening less often, but sometimes my anxiety kicked in because I was genuinely worried about her and I couldn't help but try to find out what was going on. In situations like these, it really bothered me that she didn't tell me anything and simply distanced herself. It would be wrong of me, as a boyfriend, to ignore my girlfriend's condition. And I think if she were more open in this regard, I would worry less and there wouldn’t be any problems. Since the last time we talked about it, everything had been fine. We communicated actively, were saying how much we loved each other, and nothing foreshadowed trouble until our last date. As for her texting instead of calling, that's normal. We're both introverts, and we've always preferred communicating by text when we're not face-to-face.

Why did you feel worried if you had the general idea that you were smothering her? What led up to her pulling away in those circumstances? Somewhere in this relationship or elsewhere she learned that distancing means safety. That’s an important point bc she doesn’t equate being open with you with being safe. 

She deliberately chose not to end it face to face however after having just seen you. This was after a year of dating. It wasn’t a couple of weeks or even a couple of months. You said you thought she already knew during the date that she decided to end it yet she chose not to do it in person. Why is that? 

there’s a difference between introverted and avoidant or just avoiding a confrontation. Introverts don’t avoid confrontations. They only recharge during solitary activities whereas extroverts recharge their batteries while socializing. 

You seem perceptive and caring but she didn’t feel the same way. What sounds like “mental health” issues is her not agreeing with you and her final act of break up is retreating to a safer realm. From her behaviours I don’t think she ever felt comfortable around you. When someone distances themself they’ve already detached from the situation. I understand why it seems like she blindsided you . 

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Anonymous said:

It kills me that our perfect relationship turned into this mess.

No relationship is perfect, and it looks like yours was far from it.

It’s nearly always a mistake to think that one word or one action can single-handedly kill a relationship. You were having problems and she chose to solve them by ending the relationship.

[flitzanu]

since it hasn't been mentioned, i know this isn't going to help you, but i guarantee she didn't break up with you because of something that happened the last date you were out.  you'll drive yourself nuts trying to think that there was one thing you did wrong that day.

99.99% chance she already decided weeks or months ago that she wanted to end the relationship and she finally had the guts to do it this recent night.

[MsJayne]

 

14 hours ago, Anonymous said:

she is to blame for what happened and she should understand this.

Is she? Her ending the relationship suggests that it's something that you were doing that made her so angry that she'd had a gutful of it, so is it possible that in fact you should own some responsibility for things turning to poop? When people go silent it's not necessarily because they're sulking, it could be, for instance, that they suddenly become sick of trying to tell you that something that you're doing is annoying them and being ignored. I'll assume you're a young person because your response to her ending the relationship was extremely immature and spiteful, it's very foolish to say spiteful things in the heat of the moment and then later try to retract your words because you didn't mean them. Without hearing her side of the story, or at least hearing what particular issues caused problems between you, no one here can really offer solid advice or support.

[Sanch62]

16 hours ago, Anonymous said:

... she is to blame for what happened and she should understand this.

This sounds like a blind spot. It might be helpful to write down the breakup story as your ex, using her voice and her arguments to speak about what led her to this. You don't have to post it here unless you want to, but it might give you more insight into her position.