He says the “sex sucks” after two dates

[Taz1985]

I had been talking to a guy for a couple of weeks, and we had only spent time together twice. This was the first time I had been intimate with someone after being celibate for a year, so I was still navigating my comfort levels and boundaries. Things had been going really well—we had hooked up a couple of times, talked regularly, and even made plans together. At one point, he asked if I wanted to go on a romantic getaway to a hotel, and we discussed it over time, which felt exciting and hopeful.

 

Last night, he came over again, marking only the second time we had spent time together in person, and we hooked up a second time . Afterward, I followed up about our hotel plans, expecting to continue our conversation naturally. Instead, he texted me something that completely blindsided me: he had reservations about going away because, in his words, “things are great between us, but the sex sucks.” I tried to call him to discuss it, but he would only communicate over text. He went on to list specific things he didn’t like I did intimately and it was a “major turn off” which left me feeling shocked and hurt. I tried to explain that intimacy develops over time with trust, understanding, and respect, and that I couldn’t anticipate his needs without communication. I also shared that I had been celibate for a year and was still opening up emotionally and physically.

i agreed with some things he said, but again i didn’t realize because he never said anything in the bedroom! 

 

He repeatedly told me that he didn’t want to break up, that I was a good woman, but he felt he couldn’t see a relationship working without sexual chemistry. he was sincere with his apology when I expressed hurt about this.

but said over and over he was not wanting to end things.

he repeated that he just wanted to be honest because he felt like it was better than just ghosting me.
While I appreciated his honesty, the way he delivered it felt thoughtless and dismissive. It felt like he never tried to understand what would help me feel more comfortable or how we could navigate intimacy together. The message made me feel blindsided, hurt, and frustrated because it seemed like he had made a judgment without giving me a chance to grow into that level of intimacy. After reflecting on it, I decided to end things. On one hand, I valued his honesty, but on the other, the way he approached such a sensitive topic felt careless and left me feeling invalidated.

thoughts?

[Gebidozo]

It’s a good thing that he was honest, and that he realized that a romantic relationship wouldn’t work without a solid sexual foundation.

Naturally, his blunt choice of words was terrible, insensitive, and hurtful.

Try not to take it personally. People like very different things in sex, and him being turned off by whatever you did doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong. Most likely, he just didn’t feel much sexual chemistry with you, which is something he can’t help feeling.

Of course you did the right thing by breaking off.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Taz1985 said:

he repeated that he just wanted to be honest because he felt like it was better than just ghosting me.

He was't just being honest. He was being rude. There is a way to express such things without being a complete arse, but he chose the complete-arse route. That alone would tell me he is undate-able. Go for a gentleman,  not crass clowns like this. 

3 hours ago, Taz1985 said:

but said over and over he was not wanting to end things.

This guy is not ony rude, but also pretty dim. What woman would want to continue with him after comments like his?  I would have nothing further to do with him. 

3 hours ago, Taz1985 said:

and we had only spent time together twice. This was the first time I had been intimate with someone after being celibate for a year, so I was still navigating my comfort levels and boundaries. Things had been going really well—we had hooked up a couple of times, talked regularly, and even made plans together

I'm a little confused here, though. How had you hooked up  a couple times prior if this was only the second time you'd met in person? How did you meet him? 

[Els]

Massive bullet dodged here - the guy sounds like he has the emotional and social capacity of a 5yo. The normal, adult way to convey the message he did is to say: "Sorry, but I feel like we're not sexually compatible", or even just "Sorry, but I don't think this will work out".

In the future don't waste your time explaining yourself to someone like that. You deserve far better - everyone deserves far better than to date a 5yo in a man's body.

[Sanch62]

16 hours ago, Taz1985 said:

While I appreciated his honesty, the way he delivered it felt thoughtless and dismissive.

You're right, it was thoughtless and dismissive, and you are smart to dump him.

It may be helpful to take enough time to get to know someone well enough to form a bond that is both practical and tender before getting sexual. You are right, initial chemistry does not guarantee that a couple will gel well together sexually, and it's important to have trust and openness with one another to make it better.

This stranger didn't own the capacity for that, and this speaks of his limits rather than of any reflection on you.

[flitzanu]

i mean, bottom line, sadly, is he determined he wasn't compatible with you and isn't into you, and chose to not continue dating.

 

and dont' get caught up in believing he was too judgmental and didnt give you a real chance...unfortunately that's his decicion to make, not yours, whether it seems "fair" or not.

be thankful this didn't drag on, because he sounds like a jerk anyway.

[Alpacalia]

Well, we can thank him for his honesty. Lots of people do place sexual chemistry high on their list of relationship priorities. 

But his delivery was a bit harsh.

I also question the fact that he kept saying he didn’t want to end things?

If I had to guess, he used the sex sucks line to maybe keep you around casually. 

It’s a tactic some people use when they’re unsure about what they want: they drop a hurtful truth, frame it as “just being honest,” and then act confused when the other person pulls away. It creates a push-pull dynamic that can leave you second-guessing yourself, wondering if you’re overreacting or if there’s still something worth salvaging.

Here. There's not.

[glows]

I have a feeling he’s hung up over someone else and you were a rebound. People generally behave this way when they’re emotionally unavailable and there’s someone else on their mind. They’re closed off, communication is peculiar (you said you tried to talk but he only agreed to talk via text), they swing wildly between limerence/infatuation and switch off quickly. The grandiosity of a hotel trip vs his reaction to a very human aspect of bonding and connection don’t align or match.  The delivery is usually off putting for any communication and fairly illogical.

Given you shared your safety, your home, your space with him by inviting him over he returned that vulnerability with a level of coldness that doesn’t seem fitting for the situation. It’s no wonder this was a shock to your nervous system. 

Ways to mitigate? Don’t share your space or hook up so early. Get to know someone over a longer period of time and let the intimacy develop at a slower and steadier pace. You’ll see many more sides to a person that way. For ie you might have seen how he treats hotel staff or restaurant staff had you gone on more dates. You’d be seeing him for his character and he should be seeing you for yours. You already know the connection should run much deeper than that and the respect to correspond. You don’t seem like you’re just looking for a ONS or fling so don’t bother investing too early or having someone over that early either. 

[Taz1985]

On 10/12/2025 at 8:34 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

He was't just being honest. He was being rude. There is a way to express such things without being a complete arse, but he chose the complete-arse route. That alone would tell me he is undate-able. Go for a gentleman,  not crass clowns like this. 

This guy is not ony rude, but also pretty dim. What woman would want to continue with him after comments like his?  I would have nothing further to do with him. 

I'm a little confused here, though. How had you hooked up  a couple times prior if this was only the second time you'd met in person? How did you meet him? 

Sorry if my words were confusing.

We went on two dates and hooked up both times . Thanks for your wise words 

[Taz1985]

15 hours ago, glows said:

I have a feeling he’s hung up over someone else and you were a rebound. People generally behave this way when they’re emotionally unavailable and there’s someone else on their mind. They’re closed off, communication is peculiar (you said you tried to talk but he only agreed to talk via text), they swing wildly between limerence/infatuation and switch off quickly. The grandiosity of a hotel trip vs his reaction to a very human aspect of bonding and connection don’t align or match.  The delivery is usually off putting for any communication and fairly illogical.

Given you shared your safety, your home, your space with him by inviting him over he returned that vulnerability with a level of coldness that doesn’t seem fitting for the situation. It’s no wonder this was a shock to your nervous system. 

Ways to mitigate? Don’t share your space or hook up so early. Get to know someone over a longer period of time and let the intimacy develop at a slower and steadier pace. You’ll see many more sides to a person that way. For ie you might have seen how he treats hotel staff or restaurant staff had you gone on more dates. You’d be seeing him for his character and he should be seeing you for yours. You already know the connection should run much deeper than that and the respect to correspond. You don’t seem like you’re just looking for a ONS or fling so don’t bother investing too early or having someone over that early either. 

Thanks for the validation about sharing my safe space and being vulnerability! Because it was a shock to my nervous system after the bomb he dropped. Thank you 

[glows]

You’re welcome. You didn’t lose anything here. I think you dodged a bullet.