Keep getting used by men

[PossibleNun]

Hello,

I'm a 45 year old woman still in the dating scene.  I've never thought that I was especially ugly but I'm not one to be approached very often in day to day life.  When I do get approached it is usually by much younger men.  I think this may be because they are shooting their shot to get laid that second lol.  I've been told that I'm beautiful by both men and women.  However, it's apparent that I have some significant flaws, otherwise there would be no issue.

In every single relationship Ive had, the man starts out strong telling me how much he's into me, how beautiful he thinks I am, what all we're going to do together and I then give as much in return.  But somewhere along the line, the guy will start to pick at my physical appearance and compare me to other women.  Then off he goes into the sunset with some gorgeous lady.

I feel I must be overvaluing my appearance somehow and dating men out of my league.  And yet, men will insist that they are absolutely smitten in the beginning.  I'm now almost certain that I'm actually unattractive and have been believing lovebombing this entire time.  Now I've become terrified to date even men who I'm not attracted to because I feel it will be the same.  That Im somehow facilitating them in building their egos and confidence so that they may then pursue better options.

I hate how this has led me to focus so much on physical appearance, but it is the same thing that happens each time, it doesn't seem to matter if there are shared interests and amazing conversations.  I wonder if maybe I am that girl, the one who's kinda pretty from an angle, who's good enough for in the meantime, but not good enough for the long haul.  I really don't know what to do

[Sony12]

27 minutes ago, PossibleNun said:

Hello,

I'm a 45 year old woman still in the dating scene.  I've never thought that I was especially ugly but I'm not one to be approached very often in day to day life.  When I do get approached it is usually by much younger men.  I think this may be because they are shooting their shot to get laid that second lol.  I've been told that I'm beautiful by both men and women.  However, it's apparent that I have some significant flaws, otherwise there would be no issue.

In every single relationship Ive had, the man starts out strong telling me how much he's into me, how beautiful he thinks I am, what all we're going to do together and I then give as much in return.  But somewhere along the line, the guy will start to pick at my physical appearance and compare me to other women.  Then off he goes into the sunset with some gorgeous lady.

I feel I must be overvaluing my appearance somehow and dating men out of my league.  And yet, men will insist that they are absolutely smitten in the beginning.  I'm now almost certain that I'm actually unattractive and have been believing lovebombing this entire time.  Now I've become terrified to date even men who I'm not attracted to because I feel it will be the same.  That Im somehow facilitating them in building their egos and confidence so that they may then pursue better options.

I hate how this has led me to focus so much on physical appearance, but it is the same thing that happens each time, it doesn't seem to matter if there are shared interests and amazing conversations.  I wonder if maybe I am that girl, the one who's kinda pretty from an angle, who's good enough for in the meantime, but not good enough for the long haul.  I really don't know what to do

Who are the men you are dating? You brought up younger men in your message? Are these the men you are choosing to get involved with? A lot of younger men do indeed date older women for sexual purposes. And the vast majority of the time these purposes are casual in mind. Women often get caught up with these guys because often times they are more attractive than men their own age and they often are smoother talkers as well.

Nothing at all wrong to get involved in that stuff but if you do it's best to put it into its proper place. 99% of the time it's not going to turn into anything more serious. And if a serious relationship is what you are looking for it's best to not get involved with those guys to begin with or at the very least continue to look for a more serious dating partner while you are having fun with them.

[Alpacalia]

You're picking men that are just looking for validation.

And once they get that hit of ego, they move on.

Unfortunately, some people confuse the thrill of the chase with genuine interest.

Plenty of men out there that are genuinely looking for connection—not just a confidence boost.

The challenge is that these men often don’t come with fireworks and grand declarations in the first week. They’re not trying to impress—they’re trying to connect. And that can feel unfamiliar if you’ve been conditioned to equate intensity with interest.

[PossibleNun]

37 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Who are the men you are dating? You brought up younger men in your message? Are these the men you are choosing to get involved with? A lot of younger men do indeed date older women for sexual purposes. And the vast majority of the time these purposes are casual in mind. Women often get caught up with these guys because often times they are more attractive than men their own age and they often are smoother talkers as well.

Nothing at all wrong to get involved in that stuff but if you do it's best to put it into its proper place. 99% of the time it's not going to turn into anything more serious. And if a serious relationship is what you are looking for it's best to not get involved with those guys to begin with or at the very least continue to look for a more serious dating partner while you are having fun with them.

I am definitely not trying to date these younger men who approach me.  I tell them no every single time.  However, I am not approached by men who are my age or older.  That's why I've been on a dating app.  So I'm not sure if it is about my appearance or what.  Perhaps I'm not attractive.  I'm genuinely confused now.  I do have some assymetry to my face and have thought that might be it

[PossibleNun]

26 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You're picking men that are just looking for validation.

And once they get that hit of ego, they move on.

Unfortunately, some people confuse the thrill of the chase with genuine interest.

Plenty of men out there that are genuinely looking for connection—not just a confidence boost.

The challenge is that these men often don’t come with fireworks and grand declarations in the first week. They’re not trying to impress—they’re trying to connect. And that can feel unfamiliar if you’ve been conditioned to equate intensity with interest.

This may be part of it.  It's just that I'm not getting much genuine interest I guess you could say.  I'm not sure if there's something about me that is unappealing or I look like I'm just effable and that's it.  It's making me feel pretty depressed.  And I'm pretty sure my being depressed doesn't help either 

[Gebidozo]

4 minutes ago, PossibleNun said:

And I'm pretty sure my being depressed doesn't help either 

This is the main problem.

You’re in a vicious cycle. Those men’s behavior makes you lose confidence. The loss of confidence attracts insecure men who are looking for a quick ego boost and are unable to form commitment. Their behavior makes you lose even more confidence. And so on.

You must get out of that cycle by breaking it. The only way to break it by eliminating at least one of its two halves. Since you can’t change those men, the only way is to deal with your depression first.

Stop thinking about why men do this or that. Focus on yourself. Get some therapy. Get yourself in a good mental shape. In your current state, you’re much more likely to attract all sorts of weak, insecure men, predators, and creeps. Things will change when you begin to feel confident about yourself.

[PossibleNun]

13 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

This is the main problem.

You’re in a vicious cycle. Those men’s behavior makes you lose confidence. The loss of confidence attracts insecure men who are looking for a quick ego boost and are unable to form commitment. Their behavior makes you lose even more confidence. And so on.

You must get out of that cycle by breaking it. The only way to break it by eliminating at least one of its two halves. Since you can’t change those men, the only way is to deal with your depression first.

Stop thinking about why men do this or that. Focus on yourself. Get some therapy. Get yourself in a good mental shape. In your current state, you’re much more likely to attract all sorts of weak, insecure men, predators, and creeps. Things will change when you begin to feel confident about yourself.

You know what, thank you, sincerely.  This is to the point and real.  I think I'm in a desperately low place because I just got out of one of these terrible relationships and have been dwelling on how shitty the situation is.  I've just started therapy again, so I'm on that.  I probably need to just focus on that and not dating for the time being

[Alpacalia]

50 minutes ago, PossibleNun said:

This may be part of it.  It's just that I'm not getting much genuine interest I guess you could say.  I'm not sure if there's something about me that is unappealing or I look like I'm just effable and that's it.  It's making me feel pretty depressed.  And I'm pretty sure my being depressed doesn't help either 

With your depression, feeling low, it’s easy to accept attention that feels good in the moment. And when you’re sexually attractive, that attention can come fast and loud, especially from people who are more interested in the thrill than the substance. Get to a good place, so that maybe the shift isn’t about changing who you are but instead changing what you accept.

Never come from a place of desperation. That energy attracts people who are looking to take, not give. It makes you more likely to ignore red flags, to overextend yourself, to settle for crumbs. But when you’re dating from a place of self-respect—not fear—you naturally start filtering out the ones who aren’t serious.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, PossibleNun said:

 But somewhere along the line, the guy will start to pick at my physical appearance and compare me to other women.

Wait, how many boyfriends have done this, and what have they said to you?

[Sanch62]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

...Get to a good place, so that maybe the shift isn’t about changing who you are but instead changing what you accept.

... when you’re dating from a place of self-respect—not fear—you naturally start filtering out the ones who aren’t serious.

Yes, I agree. If you consider yourself to be relationship material rather than casual, are you investing enough time in dating to get to know someone prior to getting sexual? The ones who are only interested in sex will screen themselves out early. That's not a rejection of you, it means they're not your match for a relationship.

Most people are NOT our match. That's natural odds. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

[Lotsgoingon]

The pattern of behavior by men that you describe comes from you. You are not standing up for yourself and you are not insisting on being treated with respect.

The first time a guy comments on your appearance, you tell him to go F himself and you throw water on him or you strike back with a criticism of HIS appearance. I exaggerate here--maybe. But you don't just stand there. Now, the real issue is that all along the way--before guys started going full-jerk on you---you are unwittingly sending signals of low confidence, low worth that leads guys to think they can be mean to you. 

Your depression is involved here most likely. You can't date effectively while depressed. Trust me: I've tried it. It doesn't work.  And depression hurts you in another way--depression stalls out the process of developing the social skill of moving about the world with some real confidence. I needed some good therapy to help me in middle age learn social signals and moves that I had missed. 

BTW: you don't need to wait til guys talk to you. You have a guy in front of you that you like, then you talk to him. You're reciting that passive anthem of men my age aren't interested in me. Oh, all of them are disinterested. Not one, despite the compliments you get on your beauty. I'm not buying it. 

Get that depression treated--meds and therapy if need be. And use therapy for depression and for developing your inner confidence and social skills. 

 

 

[MsJayne]

If you're attracting shallow, insincere men it may be because you're putting out that vibe yourself. I'm not saying you're shallow and insincere, but you do seem focused on how your looks impact your relationships. In truth, looks actually have very little to do with long-term attraction. Certainly appearance is important in the first flush of romance, in fact, romantic urges can distort our perception of others appearances long enough for the mating ritual to take place, (especially if alcohol or other substances are involved), but then afterwards 20/20 vision and sanity return and very often the attraction quickly fades. It's good to care what we look like, it's not so good if we think our looks are the most important thing about us, (and many, many women actually do operate on this level, if you want proof of this just have a look on any social media site). Start thinking about yourself in terms of your intelligence and your achievements in life, how valuable you are as a person and what you bring to the relationship table, and chances are that men you meet will follow suit and will begin to perceive you from that angle rather than just focusing on your looks, and hopefully then you might meet someone who you can properly connect with. There's also the issue of dating sites and how they've impacted the dating scene, they reduce people to the status of inanimate objects, things you can throw away after you've tried them for a while, and being treated that way is enough to make any thoughtful person wonder if they're the problem. Maybe look for other avenues of meeting men, social groups or a new hobby or sport. Golf's always a good one for meeting guys, especially as you get older . 

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The pattern of behavior by men that you describe comes from you.

I would reframe this as being accepted BY you, because another's limitations can't come FROM you. Yet, if you don't screen people carefully and walk away from lousy matches rather than engaging them with a hope of somehow converting them into what you want, then maybe this can explain the outcomes you've experienced?

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You are not standing up for yourself and you are not insisting on being treated with respect.

We can attempt to gain respect, but this doesn't guarantee control over anyone else's willingness to give it. Yet we do, always, own the self-control to identify disrespectful people and walk away from them.

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The first time a guy comments on your appearance, you tell him to go F himself and you throw water on him or you strike back with a criticism of HIS appearance. I exaggerate here--maybe. But you don't just stand there.

I agree with not standing there to accept disrespect, yet no temper tantrum can manipulate control over another's degree of attraction or respect. We all have agency to dump people who are not good for us. This requires self-respect, not reactionary or self-defeating impulses.

The rare person who can view your unique value through the right lens is your match. This won't be mass acceptance by many, it will be a niche of a sliver of a micro-chasm of rare people who can 'see' you well enough to appreciate you. Hold out for only the best of those, and let the rest pass early without wasting your time.

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

...It's good to care what we look like, it's not so good if we think our looks are the most important thing about us...

Yes, self-care is one thing, but believing romantic survival depends on looks only sets a focus on superficiality--which attracts superficiality. That's not a foundation for a relationship, much less one that is based on caring to know and love a whole person.

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...Start thinking about yourself in terms of your intelligence and your achievements in life, how valuable you are as a person and what you bring to the relationship table, and chances are that men you meet will follow suit and will begin to perceive you from that angle rather than just focusing on your looks, and hopefully then you might meet someone who you can properly connect with

I agree this self-perception is a great foundation, but if it doesn't screen out superficiality, or worse, it caters to it, then whoever you meet--the message you'll send is that casual superficiality is okay with you, and you'll settle for it.

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There's also the issue of dating sites and how they've impacted the dating scene, they reduce people to the status of inanimate objects, things you can throw away after you've tried them for a while, and being treated that way is enough to make any thoughtful person wonder if they're the problem.

I agree that sites can be misused to perpetuate whatever superficial standards we apply to dating. By a turn of the coin, they can also be used as tool to screen that stuff out and focus only on the rare few matches who may resonate with us.

This starts with whether a site is targeted toward an audience of choice, whether it charges a fee to screen out low investors, whether your profile clarifies enough specifics about who you are and who you seek, and whether you follow through to further screen enough to bypass clear mismatches or dealbreakers rather than wasting time to invest in them.

Matches are supposed to be rare. If they aren't narrow enough, why not?

[glows]

On 10/12/2025 at 5:36 PM, PossibleNun said:

You know what, thank you, sincerely.  This is to the point and real.  I think I'm in a desperately low place because I just got out of one of these terrible relationships and have been dwelling on how shitty the situation is.  I've just started therapy again, so I'm on that.  I probably need to just focus on that and not dating for the time being

I agree. Hold off on dating for now.

 

On 10/12/2025 at 3:47 PM, PossibleNun said:

In every single relationship Ive had, the man starts out strong telling me how much he's into me, how beautiful he thinks I am, what all we're going to do together and I then give as much in return.  But somewhere along the line, the guy will start to pick at my physical appearance and compare me to other women.  Then off he goes into the sunset with some gorgeous lady.

Seems you’re attracting extremely shallow partners. You may be onto something about appearance in your later paragraph or placing a lot of importance on appearance in general. This is attracting the same kind of shallow traits. Anytime a person makes a comment about looks far too early I don’t respond again/simply don’t even acknowledge it/block.