Lost husband needing advice

[Unsurehubby35]

Ive been happily married for 12 year now to my wife we have kids together and everything seemed to be going great until one ping of an old phone my wife forgot to log out of while her phone was being fixed. The said old phone was left on the bedside drawers as she had recieved her own back from being fixed and she must of forgot to log out of her social media on the old phone, anyway after having a shower i had left my phone downstairs on charge i sat on the bed and heard a ping so ive just curiously looked at the notification and who it was from and seen the words i cant wait to see you. The said person is her supervisor at work so ive checked the conversation and my heart sank the sexual messages exchanged and whatever pictures that they had explained had been sent on another social app lead me to confront her when she got home. She is adamant that nothing had ever happened and that it was a mistake but i just cant trust her anymore i feel so insecure. I love the very soul of this woman but i feel like if im letting this “mistake” go will she think im a push over and continue to hurt me with other men in the future but this time being more careful?

[Alpacalia]

I'm deeply sorry that this happened to you.

You're wife had an affair. She's not going to stop messing around with the supervisor just because you found out and forgave her. What makes you think that anything will change?

[Unsurehubby35]

Ive tried to explain this to her ive said that this cant be a mistake or it wouldnt have went on for so long. Ive been thinking im a fool for forgiving her and i think that more happened too. After seeing the messages whats to say that nothing has happened at work or after work. Its eating me up inside but i cant bear to break up my family especially if all that happened was what she has said. Her supervisor is in a relationship with kids too. Im never one to talk about feelings but i feel inadequate unwanted and crushed. There is so much more supsicious activity that goes with this but the list is too long and i might of been putting 1+1 together and getting 20 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Unsurehubby35 said:

i cant bear to break up my family

She doesn't seem to care about this, given that she's engaging in behaviour that often devastates families. 

8 hours ago, Unsurehubby35 said:

Ive been thinking im a fool for forgiving her

Wait, so have you already told her you forgive her and let her sweep this under the rug? 

8 hours ago, Unsurehubby35 said:

i think that more happened too. After seeing the messages whats to say that nothing has happened at work or after work

It's nearly a given that more happened. What you found is likely just the tip of the iceberg. 

8 hours ago, Unsurehubby35 said:

Ive tried to explain this to her ive said that this cant be a mistake

However long it lasted, it was never a mistake. A mistake is accidentally butt-dialing someone when you sit on your phone in the car.  Intentional behaviour, like cheating, is not that. She doesn't seem to understand how hurtful her behaviour is to you and how damaging it is to a relationship. 

What do you want from her at this point? A confession? Counselling? Find a new job? Separation? 

[Sanch62]

21 hours ago, Unsurehubby35 said:

i feel like if im letting this “mistake” go will she think im a push over and continue to hurt me with other men in the future but this time being more careful?

This is a valid concern. You're in the unfortunate position to decide whether you can remain with someone who has proven to be disloyal and un-trust-worthy.

[Unsurehubby35]

Thank you for the replies. Yes i did forgive her but each weeks goes by and im tearing my hair out with worry all the time worrying that something is going to continue to happen behind my back. I know nobody should live like this and i know most would say get out while you can but all i can think about is our kids it would destroy them. I tried previously on another forum explaining all this explaining what had happened. When i tried confronting her all i got was abuse,anger and avoidance. When things got heated “kids were at grandparents” i asked her to show me her snapchats or messages between her and said person, she point blank refused to do and started sobbing, i might seem horrible here but i didnt react or show remorse i knew they were crocodile tears and that she was deflecting. Obviously like any human being i wanted to dig deeper into this and ask questions but i got nowhere apart from being called a narcissist, toxic and manipulitive i really font know where to go from here

[Sanch62]

I understand. One measure you can take, which can allow you to operate on the strength of real information rather than emotions alone, is to consult an attorney to learn local laws in your location, potential options, and recommended steps for each option.

This is merely 'information gathering,' and not the same thing as 'lawyering up' to initiate anything. Knowledge is power, and this can help you to navigate with a degree of confidence in what is known rather than floundering in a sea of unknowns.

I'd also suggest reaching for counseling, therapy, or clergy support to avoid attempting to navigate this alone. My heart goes out to you.

[S2B]

On 10/12/2025 at 12:44 PM, Unsurehubby35 said:

Ive tried to explain this to her ive said that this cant be a mistake or it wouldnt have went on for so long. Ive been thinking im a fool for forgiving her and i think that more happened too. After seeing the messages whats to say that nothing has happened at work or after work. Its eating me up inside but i cant bear to break up my family especially if all that happened was what she has said. Her supervisor is in a relationship with kids too. Im never one to talk about feelings but i feel inadequate unwanted and crushed. There is so much more supsicious activity that goes with this but the list is too long and i might of been putting 1+1 together and getting 20 

It wasn’t a mistake - I was extremely purposeful! The purpose was her pleasure and ego stroked all without any thought of how it would hurt you!

this isn’t wife material. She’s had no consequences. Why didn’t you ask her to move out? There is no forgiving when someone purposely harmed you over and over again!

id think again about why you would be married to someone who would disrespect, disregard and hurt you so much.

and I’m sorry… Ben there - I had been in my marriage 27 years. It doesn’t get easier to leave later. Mine cheated at that ten year mark - and I forgave (stupidly) then I wasted a ton more years to get the same treatment. 

my regret is not leaving him at that ten year mark when I knew his character was deeply flawed!

this isn’t your fault - SHE has problems… problems you can’t fix for her!

no consequences = no change. She will always cheat because she knows you won’t leave her.