significant other looking through my phone

[shimmyshimmy_ya]

It's only been twice now that I've made a mental note of what order I have my apps listed in my recently opened when I've left my phone in the room with my boyfriend and it's twice now that I've come back to find that he has clearly been looking through my phone (recently opened apps are not the same).

I'm not mad per se, maybe irritated since we had a very rough patch regarding my trust & insecurity where I expressed wanting to see some text messages there in front of him and he made no move to show me (on 2 different occassions).  So, I guess I'm feeling it's unfair for him to go and look at my phone when he wouldn't give me the same courtesy.   He may very well be looking to see if I had any information regarding an engagement ring since, if you've read my other post, that is sort of on the table for us and he is feeling like he doesn't know my "style".  The apps opened were very strange - reddit and an app similar to tiktok.

Anyhow, do you think I should address him looking through my phone? I don't want to embarrass him and he might feel like it's shady on my part to have "tested" him.

[Alpacalia]

He could always ask your family or close friends about your ting style instead of snooping through your phone. 

What were you feeling insecure about that you asked to see his text messages? Was it fear of infidelity?

Based on your last thread there seems to be a bunch of distrust and he doesn't seem too keen on getting married anytime soon.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, shimmyshimmy_ya said:

He may very well be looking to see if I had any information regarding an engagement ring 

Based on your last thread, I'd say this is highly unlikely. It's pretty clear he doesn't want to get married. 

9 hours ago, shimmyshimmy_ya said:

I don't want to embarrass him and he might feel like it's shady on my part to have "tested" him.

I don't get this. In what way would you have tested him by asking him if he's going through your phone? 

 

[shimmyshimmy_ya]

21 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

He could always ask your family or close friends about your ting style instead of snooping through your phone. 

What were you feeling insecure about that you asked to see his text messages? Was it fear of infidelity?

Based on your last thread there seems to be a bunch of distrust and he doesn't seem too keen on getting married anytime soon.

Nope, I don't have any close friends and my mom wouldn't be much help.

Yes, I was feeling insecure, jealous, afraid, etc.  I realize now that even if he had complied with my request, it wouldn't have solved anything until I got myself right on the inside.  Regardless, it stings to know that I would show him anything anytime and he won't.  Still - I'm working through looking at that action as just a neutral action and not hang any kind of emotion on it.  I'm trying to view the world through his brain and realize that maybe a sense of privacy is important to him and/or makes him feel safe in a relationship. 

We need to discuss marriage a bit more, but he seemed neutral at best and as such was wanting to do it if it meant a lot to me.

Edited October 13 by shimmyshimmy_ya

[shimmyshimmy_ya]

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Based on your last thread, I'd say this is highly unlikely. It's pretty clear he doesn't want to get married. 

I don't get this. In what way would you have tested him by asking him if he's going through your phone? 

 

I don't think it's highly unlikely, but we do need to talk more about it.  I'm still examining why this is such a great want of mine, if it makes sense, and if it is a dealbreaker for me.

The test was me making a mental note of how my phone was when I left it and then checking afterward.

[Sanch62]

22 hours ago, shimmyshimmy_ya said:

He may very well be looking to see if I had any information regarding an engagement ring

Uhm...no. That sounds delusional. The opposite may be true, like finding something to use against you to argue against marriage.

The guy has you where he wants you, and he doesn't want to get married to keep you there.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, shimmyshimmy_ya said:

I don't think it's highly unlikely, but we do need to talk more about it.  I'm still examining why this is such a great want of mine, if it makes sense, and if it is a dealbreaker for me.

Why? You want to be married like millions of others. There is no deep thinking required. 

This usually only happens when we're trying to twist ourselves into knots into being okay with a parnter's stance which contradicts our own. You're trying to hard to downplay your own desires and needs. 

If you don't think it's highly unlikey he was looking for engagment ring information, then girl, you are deluding yourself. It was clear as day in your last thread he isn't going to marry you. 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why? You want to be married like millions of others. There is no deep thinking required. 

This usually only happens when we're trying to twist ourselves into knots into being okay with a parnter's stance which contradicts our own. You're trying to hard to downplay your own desires and needs. 

While this might be true in the OP’s case, I can testify that sometimes things can be more complicated.

Using an example from my own life, only about a year ago I was convinced that I wanted to get married above all and as soon as possible, but my partner’s reluctance made me take a deeper, more honest look at my reasons for that desire, and I simply had to reconsider.

It turned out that I’d always wanted to marry pretty much everyone I’ve been with due to deep insecurities, fear of abandonment, and serious control issues. After 3 failed marriages, I was still unable to understand myself. So today I thank my partner for helping me realize what my true reasons for wanting to get married had been all along.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

21 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

While this might be true in the OP’s case, I can testify that sometimes things can be more complicated.

Yes, I realize that. However, I am referring to OP and her case. 

I don't believe it's more complicated for her. 

[Acacia98]

If I were in your situation, my immediate step might be to go the passive aggressive route and put a PIN on my phone so that I'd be the only person who could access it.

My eventual step would be to end the relationship.

I don't like asymmetry of certain kinds in relationships. In this case, there is asymmetry in your willingness to be open with each other. You had a frank conversation (it seems) about your insecurities and he rebuffed you. Then he used a sneaky way to give himself the exact thing he denied you. That's messed up. And, to me, it speaks to a certain relationship philosophy and the presence of mistrust. I can't speak for you but, personally, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who thought and behaved that way.

It so happens that I once dated someone who kept his phone close to him and had even screenlocked it with a PIN. He used to get hold of my phone whenever I left the room and search through it for goodness knows what. I had nothing to hide, so I didn't particularly care. But in hindsight, it was one of the signs that he didn't trust me because he was himself engaging in inappropriate behavior on social media (flirting with other women).

[Alpacalia]

On 10/13/2025 at 9:32 AM, shimmyshimmy_ya said:

I'm trying to view the world through his brain and realize that maybe a sense of privacy is important to him and/or makes him feel safe in a relationship. 

We need to discuss marriage a bit more, but he seemed neutral at best and as such was wanting to do it if it meant a lot to me.

His sense of privacy is important to him, but he made it clear that you don’t deserve the same level of access to his world that he feels entitled to in yours.

Not only that but when you wanted to talk about marriage he was indifferent and said if it meant a lot to you. That is not the same as HIM WANTING TO MARRY YOU —it feels more like appeasement. More like checking a box to keep the peace.