If a man is a great provider but but aggressive, isn't a total deal-breaker?

[samsungxoxo]

I grew up with a father like that. My parents' marriage was dysfuctional and honestly they should've gotten divorced long ago. In fact, my mother should've reported him for assault and battery when he first hit her. As an adult, I've realized there is no excuse to ever use violence (much less for words) unless it's a legitimate self-defense case where it's to protect your life or they're trying to hurt your family. 

While my parents were good providers, took me outside on trips and bought me tons of Christmas gift...I believe no amount of financial security can erased what I heard and saw as a kid; parents arguing horrible, the man hitting his wife (he used a belt on her a few times, a hairbrush too or just his hands) just because she was verbally antagonistic and throwing tantrums, her cries for him to stop hitting her, etc. Many years prior to that, when my parents were just bf and gf...my father nearly got into a physical fight with my mother's uncle just because he called him stupid. So my father challenged him to a fight and the dude got scared; luckily the fight was stopped by others. Many years later, it was my father reverting to getting verbally antagonistic and my mother hit him a couple times. She blamed my father for making her temperament worse and that it would've made a difference if she had married a gentleman like my husband, a man that doesn't hit. She definitely doesn't love my father at all. Present-day as a now grandmother (I have a 5 month-old baby boy), my mother sees him as low quality and even hugging him repulses her.

I wonder how many long-term relationships or marriage are like that? The husband isn't a drug addict nor alcoholic, is indeed a great provider, financially stable, buys presents for his child but when it comes to temper and controling your impulses, lacks it terribly. The last time he used a belt on me (I was 8 years old) was for not understanding how to do my math homework after his 3rd explanation; he had no patience to actually teach either.  Isn't that not just a flaw but a total deal-breaker. 

There are two things I would immediately file for divorce and not care about getting my Green card (my husband is American); abuse and infidelity. I believe your own dignity and emotional security has no monetary value nor price. Nothing (not even money or a Green card) compensates for getting cheated on or hit. 

[samsungxoxo]

Whenever Father's Day comes, it seems kind of awkward. I don't hate my father but will never view him as the best father ever; he already lost that pedestal long ago. No woman likes anyone to hit their mother, not even if she called him stupid or threw a tantrum. He used to use the ''I told her countless times to shup up and she wouldn't'' as an excuse to get physical. Come to think of, now I can't stand people that hit for words. I see it as someone that lacks education and self-control; horrible traits for anyone, esp a man, a husband.

[glows]

Sounds very traumatic. I was definitely smacked around a lot too and caned but I didn’t see any violence towards my mother. My parents apologized for what they did and I let it go. That sort of domestic violence is very hard to work through especially through a child’s lens. Your inner child is still struggling with feelings of being trapped and the terror. For you it’s the injustice of seeing another family member abused. Note verbal abuse is also unacceptable. 

[samsungxoxo]

Indeed it was traumatic and I've began seeing a psychologist for this. My husband was spanked by his mother with an extention cord and that traumatized him. We chose not to ever spank our son. I would like him to grow up in a healthy and loving household where no one hits anyone and mom and dad love each other.

We've been married since Sept 20, 2024 and I just need my marriage visa paperwork to proceed so I can move to the US with him, away from that loveless marriage my parents have. There isn't anymore violence between them but they are really like roommates by now and only post happy family picture for appearances. My husband doesn't my parents' history nor that level of dysfuction they had.

[samsungxoxo]

I agree verbal abuse is total unacceptable. That's why I want my baby boy to have a better upbringing than me, to know what's it like to have a healthy, loving marriage without violence.

[glows]

I agree. I don’t think any form of hitting is necessary. Trauma/ptsd stunts growth and wellness long into adulthood. I don’t believe I’d be the same person if I wasn’t hit as badly or regularly. Verbal communication/more complex thought process/cognitive skills would have developed much faster. I wouldn’t have struggled in school or hated it every step of the way. What I am today is probably nothing short of miraculous bc I’ve spent half my life in ptsd stupor and completely numb. This is probably the most open ever I’ve ever been about it. I don’t like talking about it. Your son is lucky to have you and it’s good your husband and you are on the same page.

Would you miss your mother if you move? 

[Sanch62]

24 minutes ago, samsungxoxo said:

We've been married since Sept 20, 2024 and I just need my marriage visa paperwork to proceed so I can move to the US with him, away from that loveless marriage my parents have.

Are you living with your husband away from your parents now, awaiting a move to the US? Or are you living with your parents, either alone or with your husband?

[Els]

Sorry I'm confused, is this about your husband or about your father?

Has your husband ever displayed aggression like that? If he has, I would be very concerned and I'd definitely advise against moving with him. You'll be isolated and dependent on him.

If it's just about your father and your husband has never displayed this behaviour, then honestly I think you just need to let it go. Your mother is an adult and can make her own choices, so unless she's asking you for help, it's her own decision to stay with your father. IMO getting involved will only hurt you further. It's not your responsibility to convince your mother to leave your father.

To answer your general question (about other relationships), this is common in societies where women don't have economic power and education. In that case it becomes a survival decision - and if your only two choices are to stay with a person who abuses occasionally or to be out on the streets starving, for many people the decision is simple.

In developed countries where women have equal rights, the ability to get a higher education and to get good jobs, there aren't very many who stay in these situations. Some people unfortunately do still stay with abusive partners, but it's less prevalent and the reasons are more complex - it isn't usually because they're a good provider.

Edited October 10 by Els

[samsungxoxo]

28 minutes ago, glows said:

I agree. I don’t think any form of hitting is necessary. Trauma/ptsd stunts growth and wellness long into adulthood. I don’t believe I’d be the same person if I wasn’t hit as badly or regularly. Verbal communication/more complex thought process/cognitive skills would have developed much faster. I wouldn’t have struggled in school or hated it every step of the way. What I am today is probably nothing short of miraculous bc I’ve spent half my life in ptsd stupor and completely numb. This is probably the most open ever I’ve ever been about it. I don’t like talking about it. Your son is lucky to have you and it’s good your husband and you are on the same page.

Would you miss your mother if you move? 

As a now 38 year-old married woman with a baby boy, I believe my father's spanking with a belt during my early years (even though it was on few occasions but perhaps I'm that type of individual where once is already bad enough to cause trauma), some of mom's yellings (even though she never hit me, she used to yell if I didn't understand a homework; she didn't have patience either) and witnessing the domestic violence within my parents' marriage all contributed to being delayed in life. I should've already been out of the house long ago, perhaps even work on my professional major, do more things in life or maybe have social skills developed faster. I got emotionally and verbally bullied at school from grades 4th to 7th grade and for years had anxiety during exams because my hands would sweat a lot in school. I also had a binge eating problem during my youthful years all the way till my mid 20's, where I would eat too much at buffets or at home. Maybe all that has to do with my upbrining. 

Plus I wished my parents would've focused on getting me into sports (esp martial arts that I've always liked) or other extracurriculum activities. All they (esp my father) cared about was the grades and me getting good grades. That's not a skill. That's just memory and remembering for the exam. In the end, I was good academically but my actually performance at a job position relating to my major was terrible.

[samsungxoxo]

22 minutes ago, Els said:

Sorry I'm confused, is this about your husband or about your father?

Has your husband ever displayed aggression like that? If he has, I would be very concerned and I'd definitely advise against moving with him. You'll be isolated and dependent on him.

If it's just about your father and your husband has never displayed this behaviour, then honestly I think you just need to let it go. Your mother is an adult and can make her own choices, so unless she's asking you for help, it's her own decision to stay with your father. IMO getting involved will only hurt you further. It's not your responsibility to convince your mother to leave your father.

To answer your general question (about other relationships), this is common in societies where women don't have economic power and education. In that case it becomes a survival decision - and if your only two choices are to stay with a person who abuses occasionally or to be out on the streets starving, for many people the decision is simple.

In developed countries where women have equal rights, the ability to get a higher education and to get good jobs, there aren't very many who stay in these situations. Some people unfortunately do still stay with abusive partners, but it's less prevalent and the reasons are more complex - it isn't usually because they're a good provider.

I was feeding and assisting my crying baby boy just before. I'm referring to my parents' dysfuctional marriage and the DV (domestic violence) I've witnessed during all my childhood and teen years. Both my husband and I are against corporal punishment on kids and I vowed long ago to never tolerate abuse from a husband. No money nor financial stability compensates getting hit. No, my husband has never displayed any aggressive behavior. 

Not so long ago, my brother (who is now 23 years old), hit back my father and floored him for the 2nd time. My father (now 71 years old) easily dropped like a bad of potatoes. 

Edited October 10 by samsungxoxo

[MsJayne]

It should always be a deal-breaker if someone uses aggression and intimidation to control a spouse or children. These guys think they're still in the stone age, they're neanderthal gronks who aren't fit for marriage or parenthood. Sadly, like in the case of your parents relationship, women who gravitate to this type of male personality often have personality traits of their own which foster the toxic environment and the result is a home filled with emotional chaos. The solution is awareness, as you're doing in your own marriage, breaking the cycle through understanding the long-term damage that a personality-disordered individual does to the whole family. You should be proud that you've managed to create a healthy and happy family environment despite coming from a dysfunctional background. Can I ask why you're asking this particular question? Is it because you're struggling to understand why your mother stayed in the marriage?

Edited October 10 by MsJayne

[samsungxoxo]

54 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

Can I ask why you're asking this particular question? Is it because you're struggling to understand why your mother stayed in the marriage?

I wanted to share this as part of my process towards continuing my psychological session. I've realized I have a mild mood swing at times (I can get verbally upset easier at times) and wanted to fix that too. Even though it's a milder version that would still count as emotional and verbal abuse if I were to act similar like my mother towards my gentle husband. 

I've already asked my mother that question recently and these were her reasons:

- She claimed how she's not too much of a Saint herself and has verbally antagonized my father even when he was trying to tell her to shup up in a calm manner. She would yelled so much, used slang language and screamed "Don't tell me to shut up, I'm not shutting up". The only difference is she can't win against a man that's also aggressive. A man is more stronger and physically violent than a woman throwing verbal tantrums.

- She wanted me and my younger brother to still grow up with a mother and father, too not grow up fatherless like she did. My mom was raised by grandparents mainly, her mom was busy many times and her bio father stopped visiting her when she was 8.

- My parents and I were just immigrants living in the US (FL) at that time. She claimed that if she would've gotten the Green card or were a US citizen she would've already divorced and filed charges on him for his physical aggression. She couldn't because of immigration status.

During my later adult years (when my parents were getting along better), my father once admitted that maybe he needed more self-control with my mother but said she isn't a Saint either and has her own issues too, which ended up easily provoking him physically.

Many years later, he wanted to see how far my mother would go with her verbal rantings if he didn't physically retaliated. What I saw was also quite shocking too. What my mother once did when my father didn't hit her, when he didn't retaliate:

- Followed my father around the house

- Threw more verbal tantrums

- Threw her shoes at him

- Smacked him several times, saying "I hate you, you ruined my life, you POS"

- Lastly broke the doorknob

- This episode lasted till the next day. Then she was naturally calm again.

Then again my mother claims that perhaps her verbal tantrum would've gotten better if she had married a man that doesn't have anger issues himself, one that doesn't hit women.

Edited October 10 by samsungxoxo

[samsungxoxo]

I definitely don't want to repeat this dysfunctional cycle with my husband. This stops with me and I'm getting the help needed with a psychologist. I believe violence has no reason to ever exist in a marriage. 

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, samsungxoxo said:

I definitely don't want to repeat this dysfunctional cycle with my husband. This stops with me and I'm getting the help needed with a psychologist. I believe violence has no reason to ever exist in a marriage. 

I agree wholeheartedly, there's never an acceptable reason or a good excuse for it. It's interesting that your mother is prepared to admit that she was antagonistic, most often the people who cause drama won't ever own their part in toxic family environments, and certainly not when there's been lasting damage and hurt caused by their behaviour.