Woggle Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Many people in order to find love try to change who they are or play a role. This may find you somebody but in the long run it won't work because nobody can keep a front in a relationship forever. When you get that close to a person the real you will come out eventually and when it is not what your partner thought things could get ugly. It is also why you hear so many people in relationships talking about how they lost their identities and they want to find themselves again. It is because they suppressed who they were for their partner and eventually resenment grows and the real them wants to come out. This leads to many divorces. On the other hand if you take the approach of this is me and people can take it or leave it when you find somebody it will be because they love you for you. You will keep your identity in the relationship and a relationship based on honesty is always healthier. Nobody is perfect so don't be afraid ti show your true colors imperfections and all. It may take a little longer to find somebody but when you do it will be a much better relationship. 1
witabix Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Full agreement here too. Be true to yourself. Don't play games.
whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I agree. If you can't be yourself 100% with the person you love that just isn't right. Great post Woggle!
Weye Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I wish I could believe this, its what I want to believe, but I've seen too many breakups and too much infidelity to be convinced. How many times have we seen a guy in a marriage who is honest in every way, who shows his true character to his wife, and does his best to support her and keep the relationship as strong as possible, but whatever happens, the wife is not 100% satisfied. Inside and out, the husband is congruent with his true nature, he is: a nice guy! She's bored with her man who is not playing her games. She wants to feel 'that spark' again. Enter the liar, the cheater, the player-boy. He decieves her, and puts forth a face that is not his own, he paints a picture of a perfect fantasy world that the woman is drawn into. She is swept off her feet and into his bedroom. He finds out and confronts her with it. She rationalizes her cheating saying that he didn't fulfill her, thet it was really his fault for not taking care of the marriage. They end up in divorce. The marriage: ruined. His life: ruined. Now I'm not saying that your post doesn't make sense Woggle. I'm just playing devil's advocate. I've seen this happen time and time again to honest guys who are just being themselves. The girl ends up leaving the honest, upfront guy for the 'badboy', 'player' type.
Author Woggle Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 I wish I could believe this, its what I want to believe, but I've seen too many breakups and too much infidelity to be convinced. How many times have we seen a guy in a marriage who is honest in every way, who shows his true character to his wife, and does his best to support her and keep the relationship as strong as possible, but whatever happens, the wife is not 100% satisfied. Inside and out, the husband is congruent with his true nature, he is: a nice guy! She's bored with her man who is not playing her games. She wants to feel 'that spark' again. Enter the liar, the cheater, the player-boy. He decieves her, and puts forth a face that is not his own, he paints a picture of a perfect fantasy world that the woman is drawn into. She is swept off her feet and into his bedroom. He finds out and confronts her with it. She rationalizes her cheating saying that he didn't fulfill her, thet it was really his fault for not taking care of the marriage. They end up in divorce. The marriage: ruined. His life: ruined. Now I'm not saying that your post doesn't make sense Woggle. I'm just playing devil's advocate. I've seen this happen time and time again to honest guys who are just being themselves. The girl ends up leaving the honest, upfront guy for the 'badboy', 'player' type. Losing a woman like that is no big loss. t's good to be a nice guy but have a backbone. A good way to go through life is with a heart of gold but a spine of steel. Also guys need to stop looking at divorce as the end of their life. My divorce was the best thing that happened to me.
lindya Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 How many times have we seen a guy in a marriage who is honest in every way, who shows his true character to his wife, and does his best to support her and keep the relationship as strong as possible, but whatever happens, the wife is not 100% satisfied. Inside and out, the husband is congruent with his true nature, he is: a nice guy! Being nice is all very well, but what does it mean? I think of the three wise monkeys with their routine of "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil." In other words, playing it safe, and avoiding any exploration of the darker side of your own (or other people's) nature. I had my heart really trashed by a guy a couple of years ago. It probably wouldn't have happened had I exercised better judgement in the mate selection process. Then again, do you spend your life with eyes shut, mouth closed and hands over ears in order to protect your heart? I think that could lead to quite a stagnant existence. Getting your heart trashed shows that you have a heart...as well as having sufficient emotional courage to have made yourself vulnerable to another person. It's something that happens to people who take risks...just as bankruptcy is something that has happened, at some point, to some of the world's wealthiest entrepreneurs. Perhaps the essence of being a genuinely good person involves being brave enough to risk getting your heart broken now and again, and being tough enough to get over it. Reflecting on those experiences minus interference from an ego that wants you to preserve your self image (eg as innocent victim). Being brutally honest with yourself about why you selected that partner in the first place, what reasons you might have for sabotaging your own chances for happiness - or, indeed, what your idea of happiness actually is. All that places you in a better position to select future friends and lovers who have the qualities that constitute goodness to you - and who will help you to define, and ultimately reach, the goals that can create a sense of happiness and contentment in your life. I really liked this, Woggle... A good way to go through life is with a heart of gold but a spine of steel. ...and very much agree with it.
Author Woggle Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 I actually have to criticize some of the men here. We really need to be more choosy in what women we get involved with. Too often we fall for the physical attraction the fake damsel in distress mentality that some women use. A woman has to have it going good in her head just as much as her body for me to get involved. Find a woman who is secure within herself and has her head on straight and you will decrease your chances of some slick talking player coming and seducing her.
brashgal Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 It's not the finding love that I've had trouble with, it's the keeping it where I fall short. Wonder how many times you have to try before it sticks...
alphamale Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I actually have to criticize some of the men here. WOGGLE....I think one of your testicles in rolling around on my cubicle floor, no j/k A woman has to have it going good in her head i do agree that a woman who give s good head is very impt
a4a Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 ...I think one of your testicles in rolling around on my cubicle floor, no j/k Cubicle? EEEEEEEKKKKK............. Damn Alpha how is there room in there for you, your ego, and a stray testicle? just kiddin' a4a
SmoochieFace Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Many people in order to find love try to change who they are or play a role. This may find you somebody but in the long run it won't work because nobody can keep a front in a relationship forever. When you get that close to a person the real you will come out eventually and when it is not what your partner thought things could get ugly. It is also why you hear so many people in relationships talking about how they lost their identities and they want to find themselves again. It is because they suppressed who they were for their partner and eventually resenment grows and the real them wants to come out. This leads to many divorces. On the other hand if you take the approach of this is me and people can take it or leave it when you find somebody it will be because they love you for you. You will keep your identity in the relationship and a relationship based on honesty is always healthier. Nobody is perfect so don't be afraid ti show your true colors imperfections and all. It may take a little longer to find somebody but when you do it will be a much better relationship. Looks like you have redeemed yourself here. Congratulations. I cannot agree any more with your post, Wog. I have ALWAYS believed in JBY and never *putting up a front*. Fronts always crumble in time.
basscatcher Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 It's not the finding love that I've had trouble with, it's the keeping it where I fall short. Wonder how many times you have to try before it sticks... This has been some of my problem also. I haven't had problems finding love; its been the men change. Men put on fronts just as much as women. They appear to be a certain way then once they get comfortable or sick of putting on a act you see their true colors and you can't stand to be around that person because who they are is actually ugly. I use to only show my sweet, caring, pleasing side and a few men after seeing I had my own opinions, thoughts, needs, wants and desires they woud say-'your not the same anymore, what happened to you, why are you being like this.' I think it has a lot to do with self esteem whether we show who we really are or not. I have low self esteem but I also have an attitude in me where I say 'If you don't like me for who I am then that is your problem.' I never use to live by this attitude. I use to be a pleaser.... Then after a year or so the mask would come off and the men would complain. (Visa-Versa) In this new relationship with Charlie I have been myself since day one. I have spoken my mind, acted like I would in a club if he wasnt with me so he can see me for me, I have expressed my likes and dislikes when necessary, I have expressed my moods when I was irritated, upset, mad, pissed off, etc etc.. In my mind why should I shelter who I am and lead him on with a fake "Pamela' only to disappoint him and break my heart for losing him. I think maturity is a huge factor in deciding to be yourself with everyone and also getting it through your head that the only way to really succeed in life is to be honest about who you are..
SmoochieFace Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Now I'm not saying that your post doesn't make sense Woggle. I'm just playing devil's advocate. I've seen this happen time and time again to honest guys who are just being themselves. The girl ends up leaving the honest, upfront guy for the 'badboy', 'player' type. And those women have absolutely no appeal to me whatsoever. Why would any *good guy* want one of them anyway? I was in a very short-lived relationship with one of them. She complained that I didn't smack her around. I told her "there's the door, now roll your sorry ass through it and out of my life." I am not a *playuh* and I will never be and, most importantly, I do not WANT to be one. And I sure will not change into something I am not just for a woman.
Reality6001 Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Thank god someone is out there that see this the way I do. Be yourself ,it 's the only way to live your life. Thank you very much.
lilmoma1973 Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Awesome post Woggle and glad your insecurities about women aren't what they was and you are learning to trust women again!! See all women aren't like your wife at all there are good one out there ... My saying is never put on aires for anyone be yourself always!! Never change for noone ...
Outcast Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I haven't had problems finding love; its been the men change. Men put on fronts just as much as women. They appear to be a certain way then once they get comfortable or sick of putting on a act you see their true colors and you can't stand to be around that person because who they are is actually ugly. Exactly! Which is why you have to spend a lot of time with someone before you decide he or she is 'the one'. You need to allow enough time for the bad side (if there is one) to show itself. If there isn't one, you've hit the lottery but you can't tell if you have or not for many months.
Author Woggle Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 WOGGLE....I think one of your testicles in rolling around on my cubicle floor, no j/k I am just saying that if men don't want to deal with this drama anymore we need to take some percautions.
Weye Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I'll agree that ideally, both partners in a relationship should be as open an honest with eachother as possible. But should a guy really ever be 100% open, or is there a point where the line has to be drawn? Lets say he goes through some difficult times, such as a death in the family, loss of job, or a serious personal injury. Should he show his vulnerability? Should he even cry in his girls presence? Would a girl really respect that? Would a girl see this as him having a "spine of steel" because he is not afraid to completely be himself around the girl, or would he just look like a "pushover" for crying? I am just saying that if men don't want to deal with this drama anymore we need to take some percautions. Agreed. But I have a question. When you say precautions, what exactly are those precautions? Does that mean making sure not to get into a relationship with an immature girl who isn't ready to accept a guy for who he is and is chasing after fairy-tale love? 1
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 I'll agree that ideally, both partners in a relationship should be as open an honest with eachother as possible. But should a guy really ever be 100% open, or is there a point where the line has to be drawn? Lets say he goes through some difficult times, such as a death in the family, loss of job, or a serious personal injury. Should he show his vulnerability? Should he even cry in his girls presence? Would a girl really respect that? Would a girl see this as him having a "spine of steel" because he is not afraid to completely be himself around the girl, or would he just look like a "pushover" for crying? OFcourse he should show that emotion. And show his vulnerability. It never has bothered me, ever. In my past, when I was younger one of my boyfriends mom died. He bawled his eyes out and I held him. I never once thought ill of him or felt weird about it. To me, that is NORMAL behaviour when someone loses a loved one. And even now, my husband isn't one to show his emotions all the time. But, there have been times he has and I'm sure in the future there will be more times. It's just life as a couple. I think as time goes on in the relationship and the comfort level is there, the trust and love - There is NO point in hiding emotions. Both parties have to accept eachother and be there for eachother through ALL the rough times. Crying or no crying.
Author Woggle Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 I'll agree that ideally, both partners in a relationship should be as open an honest with eachother as possible. But should a guy really ever be 100% open, or is there a point where the line has to be drawn? Lets say he goes through some difficult times, such as a death in the family, loss of job, or a serious personal injury. Should he show his vulnerability? Should he even cry in his girls presence? Would a girl really respect that? Would a girl see this as him having a "spine of steel" because he is not afraid to completely be himself around the girl, or would he just look like a "pushover" for crying? Agreed. But I have a question. When you say precautions, what exactly are those precautions? Does that mean making sure not to get into a relationship with an immature girl who isn't ready to accept a guy for who he is and is chasing after fairy-tale love? Actually get to know a woman before you get involved. Make sure she is up to shape mentally and emotionally. Too many guys fall for a pretty face and nice body and it ends up biting them in the end. Also it is better if you do marry to marry a woman over 25. If you marry a woman younger than that one day she might want to go out and experience the single life. Get a woman who has sown her oats. I don't believe in that marrying a virgin stuff.
Outcast Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Lets say he goes through some difficult times, such as a death in the family, loss of job, or a serious personal injury. Should he show his vulnerability? Should he even cry in his girls presence? Would a girl really respect that? Would a girl see this as him having a "spine of steel" because he is not afraid to completely be himself around the girl, or would he just look like a "pushover" for crying? If she thinks he's a 'pushover' for crying over something awful in his life, then she's a heartless beyatch who doesn't deserve him. The stupidity of society for too long was forcing men to pretend they weren't human and had no feelings. As a result, we have workoholics, alcoholics, affairs, and violence. People cannot suppress their humanity without paying a price. If men really want to be fully human, they won't want to crawl back into the cave where they're only allowed to grunt but will demand full partnership as humans. Which means being able to express normal human emotions such as grief.
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 My men have cried on my shoulder many times. There's not a damn thing wrong with it. They've returned the favor time and time again.
Author Woggle Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 My men have cried on my shoulder many times. There's not a damn thing wrong with it. They've returned the favor time and time again. I think it's great when women don't see that as a weakness but too often women do. I don't want one of these women anyway though. Too often men talk about playing these games to get a woman but why would they want a woman that is impressed with game playing anyway.
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