In Sync Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I'm approaching the end of three months of NC, and I'm at a stage where I've gone through the endless roller ride of emotions...the beginning was sheer hell, uncontrollable crying spells, then came anger and always highs and lows of sadness...endless sadness. Now I feel acceptance. I've chewed it over and over the relationship in my mind. YET now I'm constantly asking myself WHY Was This One So Hard To Get Over? It's not like I've never had a broken heart before...but this one left me scarred and really did crush me emotionally. The odd thing was he was by far a vile person. Mean spirited and very hurtful towards me. I mean the experience which I've recounted with this N, was sickening..so, you would think I would be so happy when it was over..good riddence right? But no, it was like the hardest relationship to pull myself up from. I was missing him, at one point I probably still would have continued trying to be with him..Why was the worst relationship the one I wanted to cling onto the most?
teressa0397 Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I'm approaching the end of three months of NC, and I'm at a stage where I've gone through the endless roller ride of emotions...the beginning was sheer hell, uncontrollable crying spells, then came anger and always highs and lows of sadness...endless sadness. Now I feel acceptance. I've chewed it over and over the relationship in my mind. YET now I'm constantly asking myself WHY Was This One So Hard To Get Over? It's not like I've never had a broken heart before...but this one left me scarred and really did crush me emotionally. The odd thing was he was by far a vile person. Mean spirited and very hurtful towards me. I mean the experience which I've recounted with this N, was sickening..so, you would think I would be so happy when it was over..good riddence right? But no, it was like the hardest relationship to pull myself up from. I was missing him, at one point I probably still would have continued trying to be with him..Why was the worst relationship the one I wanted to cling onto the most? I tell you why its hard for you. Because its love you feel for him. JUst hang an there your heart will heal an time. when you get over it ,,,,then you will wonder what an the world you seen an him. I'am an the same Boat that you are an. if you like send me a private message. we can talk.
ciara12step Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 ill join u 2 on this boat .. i dont even know why im affectected by this 3 months relationship so deeply .. she just had sex with someone else a few times this past week .. i've been thru long relationships before, but i've never felt this hurt in a short amount of time
My_Other_I Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 It might be the nature of the relationship. You might be seeking approval and self-worth - just because it was a sh**ty R. You might be trying to understand what went wrong and therefore the recovery takes longer (due to neverending questions and replays). Haven't you also been going through other personal trauma? Maybe you feel lonely cuz of that and long for closeness with someone, and your recent ex happens to be the last who you felt close to? Just ideas.
Author In Sync Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 It might be the nature of the relationship. You might be seeking approval and self-worth - just because it was a sh**ty R. You might be trying to understand what went wrong and therefore the recovery takes longer (due to neverending questions and replays). Haven't you also been going through other personal trauma? Maybe you feel lonely cuz of that and long for closeness with someone, and your recent ex happens to be the last who you felt close to? Just ideas. Yes I did go through another loss, my mom. Wow, you remembered? About the same time ago, too, 3 months. Both losses were the equivalent to being K-O'd in boxing match. I don't know, I feel in limbo now. or stuck. or I can't pinpoint it, but I just know I'm not forging ahead, because I keep wondering why I'm still trying to sort it all out. I should be relieved because I'm no longer in something that was unheallthy but there's a part that is reluctant to let go. For fear that maybe that was it...Maybe he was the last one I'll ever have intense feelings for.
Cupcake Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 OMG!!! I just read your post and I'm like 'that's the exact same way I feel.' My last relationship was the worst that I've ever had. I dealt with things in that relationship that could have killed me, literally. When I finally got the courage to break up with him, I was the one who regretted everything. He simply moved on to someone else as though I didn't exist. And I was left concidering suicide when he was the one who hurt me. I guess, knowing that he was still happy and I was still miserable without him made things even worse for me. Like you, I expected to be happier without him. But I found myself scared, and alone. It's taken some therapy for me to get myself together. I had to remember the way my life was before he came into my life. This is a long process. Right now, I'm learing to live as though he never existed. My therapist is teaching me how to replace thoughts of him with other thoughts, even the good memories I had of him. Hopefully, one day, I won't remember him. Or at least I will be able to think of him without having any feelings towards him at all. Sometimes, when I'm struggling with current relationships and dating, I have flashbacks of my XBF. I get really, really, really, depressed. But I'm not suicidal anymore. So the therapy is definately working. And Loveshack helps a lot too!!
Nikita20 Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 In Sync: I'm sorry that you are still hurting. Don't worry. You aren't the only one. I'm also suffering from a painful breakup, but I am getting better as time rolls on. It sounds like you are making progress as well. I suspect the only reason why you are hurting so bad is because you are a caring, loving person and this person treated you like dirt and he threw away your relationship like it was a piece of garbage. This made you feel worthless and that is a huge blow to your self esteem. It hurts when people take advantage of us, especially when we give so much. Love is a risk, it makes us so vulnerable and then when we get hurt, we fall hard. We fall so hard, it almost makes it impossible to even consider a relationship with anyone else because we don't ever want to get hurt like that again. After going through that hell, how can one possibly trust another again? The only thing we have going for us is time. It will take time for our wounds to heal. Once they are healed, then we can trust and consider loving someone else again. However, how long it will take, it is up to you. I know deep in my heart I will love again. I'm willing to take that risk, because love is worth it. However, I will do it when I'm ready to move forward. I have faith that I will find the right person who will love me, respect me and treat me like I deserve. I'm not rushing in to things because I'm not ready. I've had opportunities to pursue people, but my heart is still hurting and I will wait. It just will take time and patience. Allow that for yourself. Allow yourself to heal, improve yourself and most importantly boost your self esteem. And, be patient. Don't worry, you will find the right person who will love and respect you like you deserve. You just aren't ready as of yet.
Curt Posted January 17, 2006 Moderators Posted January 17, 2006 What you've all said is quite true, but don't take yourselves out of the game too long either. Sometimes, we need to force a reset of our program. There comes a time when we must go bravely and boldly onwards. Warm regards and thoughts of healing to all those hurting. We will overcome. Curt
cynicalnlove Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Yes I did go through another loss, my mom. Wow, you remembered? About the same time ago, too, 3 months. Both losses were the equivalent to being K-O'd in boxing match. I don't know, I feel in limbo now. or stuck. or I can't pinpoint it, but I just know I'm not forging ahead, because I keep wondering why I'm still trying to sort it all out. I should be relieved because I'm no longer in something that was unheallthy but there's a part that is reluctant to let go. For fear that maybe that was it...Maybe he was the last one I'll ever have intense feelings for. Insync - It seems as if we are both traveling the same path in the exact same time. Because I too, have lost my mother in the midst of my relationship with the N. I had clung on to him, because that was some sort of control of not having another one that i'd love leave me. I'm trying to heal as much as I can, it's been almost 2 months now - and I'm slowly getting acceptance. It's like grieving one after the other. ~ sort of freaky, you're going through the same type of loss as i am.
smile95 Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 hey-insync-on that site I sent you on N's it tell you why they are so much harder to get over....a whole article.....you are doing great! hang in there! We both have come far, we just do not see it that clearly.
smile95 Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 about grieving....I lost my gram at the same time....I thought if something ever happened like that, my N would pull thru...he called me back once and then I asked him to call that week when I was down and have not heard from him since. I guess I was wrong about him coming thru for me. I am 5 wks NC and I think I am doing better? Who knows? With N's, for me, I want him to call, but that is my own self esteem issue to work on.N's suck! We give them waaaaay too much credit!
Author In Sync Posted January 17, 2006 Author Posted January 17, 2006 Insync - It seems as if we are both traveling the same path in the exact same time. Because I too, have lost my mother in the midst of my relationship with the N. I had clung on to him, because that was some sort of control of not having another one that i'd love leave me. I'm trying to heal as much as I can, it's been almost 2 months now - and I'm slowly getting acceptance. It's like grieving one after the other. ~ sort of freaky, you're going through the same type of loss as i am. Yes, maybe I was thinking at the end of my healing I should be feeling like a person dancing on cloud nine or ecstatic...and though I am by far much better off without him in my life...it's like there's no fireworks. Acceptances is pretty much a quiet thing. I had become so habituated to the manic cycle of uncertainty and turmoil when I was with him and then the process o detoxing of him was tumuluous alone...and now all I seem to have left are questions like why was it hard to recover this time why did I have to go through this? If it really was love, did I not love before in my past, because I had never hurt and been so disappointed before..or did I actually love "too much" and that's why this time was so different? Maybe I put too much of myself into the relationship and could not accept that this person did not want me back and that alone touch a spot so deep within me that I simply couldn't believe it.
someone_here Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 i am in the same situation also. for the first moments, i couldnt work, lost weight,... cried n cried .... frustated... but i believe i make progress each day more. guys.. lets not give up... i hope if anyone of us find possitive thing after the break up.. let us encourage one another... at least we know... this is the way we should go and we dont look back... although i love him a lot ... n i was badly affected by the break up. guys.. i think this kind of experience will give us chance to know and to appreciate a sincere people that come into our life. hope that all of us... who is dealing with broken heart will be encouraged ....
cynicalnlove Posted January 18, 2006 Posted January 18, 2006 Yes, maybe I was thinking at the end of my healing I should be feeling like a person dancing on cloud nine or ecstatic...and though I am by far much better off without him in my life...it's like there's no fireworks. Acceptances is pretty much a quiet thing. I had become so habituated to the manic cycle of uncertainty and turmoil when I was with him and then the process o detoxing of him was tumuluous alone...and now all I seem to have left are questions like why was it hard to recover this time why did I have to go through this? If it really was love, did I not love before in my past, because I had never hurt and been so disappointed before..or did I actually love "too much" and that's why this time was so different? Maybe I put too much of myself into the relationship and could not accept that this person did not want me back and that alone touch a spot so deep within me that I simply couldn't believe it. In Sync: I don't think you had lovd him too much persay. He was someone that came in a different way that have influenced your life. Your loss and turmoil of your mother had contributed to that. Detoxing and digesting the loss of your mother and getting over him is definetely hard, but you've come a long way. I know that it's much easier said than done when I say that time will heal all wounds. So cliche, I too understand exactly the same loss. Acceptance is silent agree, and dull. Now that I am numb to him; I don't know what to make of it. I was so use to feeling down, and when I'm not - I wanted to be because I don't know what to make of this "acceptance" part. Is it really truly over? That's the sad part that we're still trying to get over. Has our next stage in life finally began, and this one closes?
Author In Sync Posted January 18, 2006 Author Posted January 18, 2006 All of you are so compassionate and understanding, and I can't even see you, but I feel more kindness through your words in this thread alone than I ever received from and during time of my relationship with the X. I won't exaggerate and say he was 99% abusive, albeit verbally...but on hindsight if his last actions were unkind then I think it reflects how he truly felt towards me from the get go...nothing, ergo all his acts were just that "acts" of kindness, the charm was fake, the lovemaking was fake and the more time I was with him his true nature came out. A rager. It wasn't that he just 'switched' I was involved with a false image, and kept pouring my heartfelt energy to get that illusion back. And now after I look back and feel sort of dumb. Why didn't I have enough wisdom and more insight to see it was going nowhere. Stupidly I kept putting my heart on the line and literally let him punch it...and then I'd go back for more. I wish it would just go away all the regrets and memories and but it's like I'm stuck with them, you know, and the more I try to refocus on my life today and remain positive, one keeps tapping me on the shoulder saying 'uh uh, we're still a part of you. we're still here.'
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