What should I Do? I wanted kids and marriage with her now I need to think carefully

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I’m now obsessing over her motives. I refuse to believe all the arguments she started were for the reasons she said. 

She started those arguments because she was unhappy in the relationship.

She wanted kids ASAP and didn’t care for marriage. You wanted marriage and didn’t want to have kids ASAP. For both of you, these incompatible goals became a deal breaker, so you broke up. 

There is nothing left to obsess over. There is no mystery. She’s 40, she was in a hurry to have kids, you weren’t. Nobody is wrong here, it’s just incompatibility. A normal thing that happens all the time. Move on and try not to overthink simple things.

[Els]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

At the time I didn’t read too much into the marriage thing. She would say a lot of different versions, only after a while I understood she didn’t want to get married. We had a phone conversation where I had said can we get married in Nigeria one day (as a joke) and she was like we aren’t the same Christian domination and we need to figure out stuff like moral compass and what each others family are like etc etc, any excuse under the sun. Where having kids applied to that stuff too! She would then confuse me the next time by saying she is against marriage and isn’t saying no. And like I’ve said, I didn’t have a timeline on marriage but I didn’t want to have kids first then marriage. One time she said ‘I’ve had a bad experience with marriage’ 

I’m upset but it’s on different levels and working for myself it’s a bit of a disaster as I can’t focus atm. I think it’s mostly because of the effort put in, the way it’s ended and what I’ve taken from it. I don’t like surface level things and I’m not looking forward to getting to know people again, trying to suss out their attentions, potentially dealing with past issues. I know any relationship you have to work on but I’m realizing there is a limited window even though there is millions of people in the world. I’m pretty sure her past experiences meant that the likelihood of things working out between us were slim. 
 

I’m now obsessing over her motives. I refuse to believe all the arguments she started were for the reasons she said. 

I understand that it's upsetting, but respectfully, obsessing over her motives isn't going to help you one bit. What's done is done, and fortunately you're able to leave it with your only "loss" being less than a year of relationship time. 

Imagine if you had actually gotten her pregnant? Then you would be in the same situation as you are now but with 18 years of having to pay child support and possibly co-parenting with a woman whom you're not married to! 

You were pretty lucky IMO. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but it could have been so much worse.

Edited January 14 by Els

[Lamron300]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

So she said "I'm leaving the relationship because I've never said I don't want to marry you" as a break up?  That's very odd.

To be honest, your approach of taking your time and gauging compatibility for a future wedding is great for if you're dating a woman who's, say 25-33.   But as ex is about 40, she simply doesn't have the time to wait for an undisclosed date because of her fading fertility.  Are you aware how much fertility is dropping by this age?   That's not to say that you should have rushed in and married her.....but rather, if you're going to date a 40yo who wants babies, you need to do things a whole lot quicker.   And if your timeline and a woman's fertility aren't a match, you should move on.

Your assumption may well be wrong.   I've got exactly the same story as your ex and, like her, found that marriage was a piece of paper to get in and a piece of paper to get out.

I moved on after that relationship and met my partner and father of our children in 1992 and we are still together.  We couldn't agree on what type of wedding to have and it wasn't important to us anyway, plus my country has legal recognition of defacto relationships so we skipped it.  Anyone who thinks that I didn't marry because he was the wrong person would be very wrong.

Someone can be in love and also start a heap of arguments.   It's not may way of doing things because I like a calm relationship....and I would have broken up with your ex just a few months in, but having a fiery temper as well as love are how some people do relationships.  

I think that a lot of what went wrong here is that the two of you don't understand how each other thinks and then you both go on to make assumptions about the other.

But that isn’t why we broke up. We were actively trying for kids from September to like November. I bought her an apple watch just to take her temperature. But then the silly arguments would happen and then obviously sex is the last thing on mind. Her favorite buzz words would be ‘ this isn’t healthy or showing up for me’ like I said the not spending Christmas wiith her even though I did and NY (she was the one away with her family) is the nail in coffin or drum she kept beating. Expensive holiday booked for end of January (which I paid for) doesn’t matter to her, heartfelt and expensive Christmas presents doesn’t matter to her. We literally went to a cinema where you can order gourmet food the day before she went away with her family for NY and then everything was ‘fine’ and then days later  it is not normal to say you are upset and don’t feel prioritized because I wished you a happy NY 30 minutes earlier. 

She is just full of contradictions as when we first started talking about kids, she said to me she doesn’t want IVF as if god doesn’t want her to have kids naturally it is what it is. Then months later, she said to me if we haven’t got pregnant by may 2026 let’s start IVF investigations (which obviously I would have to pay for). 

The final argument happened on Monday. I hadn’t seen her the whole weekend as she was away or working, we were booked in to see each other on Wednesday but I thought it would be good to catch up before. She got home at 9pm for work. I said my eyes are really sore now and the storm is very bad, is it ok if I see you another day. She got very angry and said my words don’t match my action etc and she’s disappointed and don’t message I want to see her then don’t turn up. I explained that it would be dangerous to drive in that state and if I didn’t want to see her I wouldn’t have brought it up. 
 

Next day we start talking on WhatsApp and after a while I could see she was being passive aggressive not outing kisses at end of messages as we usually do or giving me short answers to my questions. I then asked if she is mad at me and she then finally admitted she’s disappointed by me not turning up. I then explain myself again and she was like this isn’t working not sure how this can move forward. 
 

So the whole breakdown starting from Xmas wasn’t actually to do with kids. 

[Lamron300]

6 hours ago, Els said:

I understand that it's upsetting, but respectfully, obsessing over her motives isn't going to help you one bit. What's done is done, and fortunately you're able to leave it with your only "loss" being less than a year of relationship time. 

Imagine if you had actually gotten her pregnant? Then you would be in the same situation as you are now but with 18 years of having to pay child support and possibly co-parenting with a woman whom you're not married to! 

You were pretty lucky IMO. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but it could have been so much worse.

Yes, but we didn’t break up because of the marriage/kids thing it is because of the pointless arguments she kept bringing up. Like me saying happy new year at 11.30pm instead of midnight being a huge problem. She also kept saying crudely, what commitment have you shown to me apart from cumming inside me? Like what other commitment am I supposed to show after 8 months? She’s the one who didn’t want to get married but wanted to move into my house and have kids…

[Lamron300]

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

She started those arguments because she was unhappy in the relationship.

She wanted kids ASAP and didn’t care for marriage. You wanted marriage and didn’t want to have kids ASAP. For both of you, these incompatible goals became a deal breaker, so you broke up. 

There is nothing left to obsess over. There is no mystery. She’s 40, she was in a hurry to have kids, you weren’t. Nobody is wrong here, it’s just incompatibility. A normal thing that happens all the time. Move on and try not to overthink simple things.

Also, she is already 40. Doctor informed me before I did semen analysis that female fertility declines a lot after 35. She doesn’t have money to do IVF, so what she is going to try find a random guy and trap him? Her wanting kids couldn’t be biologically fast forwarded by me. We were trying and having sex for months then the arguments cropped up. One time I didn’t get very errect no idea why and she then asked if I even fancy her. Everything is always my fault! She left me in a hole for the holiday I booked, luckily air b n b have let me cancel it!

[FredEire]

On 1/13/2026 at 8:37 AM, Lamron300 said:

What is stressing me out is usually there is two sides to a story but her side doesn’t make sense. She would fall out with me for basically even breathing. The first 6 months were blissful, so I’m thinking which one is the real her. 
 

You’re the same age as me, you know how stressful dating is. It’s not that I settled, I thought things were good at first and because the arguments were over little things, I thought they could be fixed. Although, they weren’t little as everything was poised negatively. For example, her flat she is renting she has to renew by August, and on one hand she was expressing dissatisfaction with me on many levels, another hand she will say I’m waiting for you to ask me to move in etc. So she basically wanted to move in and try for kids and even go down IVF route, however when it came to marriage (which I clarified I don’t mean right this second) she would have all sorts of excuses. 

A random thing happened recently where she would say ‘I don’t want to run two households’ I’m not going to come to yours and put your sofa cover back on or cook or do anything. I never asked her to do these things and when she did do them I thought it was out of affection. I felt very uncomfortable as I don’t ask anyone for anything, then for her to do stuff and then almost begrudgingly make a bizarre point about not doing that stuff. Something has definitely gone on with her. 

Im now at the worst point in my dating life. I don’t go around dating people in their 40s, I’ve dated people in their 20s and 30s. I date people I get along with. But I am juxtaposing this with another person I dated in her 40s, lovely woman, never had an argument but she said to me that she unlikely can have more biological kids at this age, but would be willing to adopt with me. Both situations are very different in terms of people’s attitude and I guess overall kindness, but still if I say I want kids and marriage and do the opposite or something which makes it unlikely or stressful I guess I am to blame. 

Dating at the early stages can be stressful, absolutely. But personally I am looking for someone things just flow with, which is easy and pleasant and we're largely on the same page apart from some superficial stuff. My friends in happy, solid relationships always tell me thats how they knew their partners were the one for them.

The point is if something in the early stages is bringing more stress and questions than ease and flow, I know it's probably not a good fit for me. At this stage I just dont bother pursuing it if it gives me that vibe because a relationship shouldn't be some kind of Rubiks cube you drive yourself mad trying to solve, and certainly shouldn't start out that way.

My frustration is that it's very hard to meet someone where there isnt some sort of catch, but I'm coming to accept that's just the nature of it and you only need it to work once. Pursuing things that half-fit because you feel frustrated or running out of time isn't going to work.

And philosophising about her reasons for doing what she did won't really achieve anything either. She had her own stuff going on, its not all going to make perfect logical sense.

[Lamron300]

4 hours ago, FredEire said:

Dating at the early stages can be stressful, absolutely. But personally I am looking for someone things just flow with, which is easy and pleasant and we're largely on the same page apart from some superficial stuff. My friends in happy, solid relationships always tell me thats how they knew their partners were the one for them.

The point is if something in the early stages is bringing more stress and questions than ease and flow, I know it's probably not a good fit for me. At this stage I just dont bother pursuing it if it gives me that vibe because a relationship shouldn't be some kind of Rubiks cube you drive yourself mad trying to solve, and certainly shouldn't start out that way.

My frustration is that it's very hard to meet someone where there isnt some sort of catch, but I'm coming to accept that's just the nature of it and you only need it to work once. Pursuing things that half-fit because you feel frustrated or running out of time isn't going to work.

And philosophising about her reasons for doing what she did won't really achieve anything either. She had her own stuff going on, its not all going to make perfect logical sense.

That’s how it felt for the first 5/6 months. Everything was like on autopilot. Usually, in the past, arguments have been for a more substantial reason. Then arguments started out of nowhere (caused by her as I’ve derailed above). It wasn’t a disagreement of what we wanted as she said she wanted the same thing many times (just not meant it).  Then because they seemed like misunderstandings I would always try and fix stuff. Like explain it's not that I don’t want to see you at 10pm, my eyes are sore and don’t want to drive in the storm. Nothing sinister about it and someone who regularly says ‘ I love you very much’ would understand that. 
 

It is just not only that there is always a catch, I go into dating with a negative that only applies online. For example, most online conversations fizzle out so I don’t expect them to go anywhere. Women I have ended up dating have said that they got so much crap and degenerate messages. I think how do I even sustain a conversation with people who are being bombarded. This then translates into being nervous on a first date as it’s not necessarily hard to get a date but, very hard to get a good date. So when you meet someone half decent, you tolerate a bit more as it isn’t easy to meet people online. 
 

Even when tempted to try rekindle things with her, I then remember all her behavior. I’d be less upset in short term if I was still with her, but I may be deluding myself into thinking she could change.

[Acacia98]

10 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Usually, in the past, arguments have been for a more substantial reason. Then arguments started out of nowhere (caused by her as I’ve derailed above). It wasn’t a disagreement of what we wanted as she said she wanted the same thing many times (just not meant it).  Then because they seemed like misunderstandings I would always try and fix stuff. 

That was basically the turn my second relationship took (I was in my early 20s). We seemed to get along okay for the first few months and then seemingly out of nowhere, it felt like every other conversation was booby-trapped. And I too thought I was dealing with misunderstandings and would always try to fix stuff. Sometimes, I even apologized when I hadn't done anything wrong.

Long story short, it became an emotionally abusive relationship. If you had stayed in your relationship and had continued twisting yourself into impossible shapes to please her, you would probably have found yourself in a similar situation. And I can only imagine how much of a nightmarish situation that would have been to bring kids into.

You did well to end things. Yours was a lousy relationship. Don't second-guess yourself.

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, Acacia98 said:

That was basically the turn my second relationship took (I was in my early 20s). We seemed to get along okay for the first few months and then seemingly out of nowhere, it felt like every other conversation was booby-trapped. And I too thought I was dealing with misunderstandings and would always try to fix stuff. Sometimes, I even apologized when I hadn't done anything wrong.

Long story short, it became an emotionally abusive relationship. If you had stayed in your relationship and had continued twisting yourself into impossible shapes to please her, you would probably have found yourself in a similar situation. And I can only imagine how much of a nightmarish situation that would have been to bring kids into.

You did well to end things. Yours was a lousy relationship. Don't second-guess yourself.

Yes, that is what is getting to me. Even the last argument on day of the break up I tried to ‘fix things’. I thought it was a small misunderstanding. But everything seemed like a trap for last few months. We would have a normal day like went to Costco last Thursday and in my head I’m thinking, what will the argument be about today. I know she wasn’t really upset I wished her happy NY 30 minutes early. It is tormenting me trying to figure out why someone would suddenly start fighting for no reason over anything. Once I literally just said don’t take the dogs off the lead till can see the other dogs in the park, this is because my friends dog has been attacked. It didn’t turn into an argument but she kept saying that I don’t trust her with my dogs.

i have never lived so close to someone I have dated. 15 minutes, something we were using to our advantage. Then the first argument ever happened because she didn’t tell me she wanted me to come to her flat more. I had no problem with that. Only reason she was coming to mine a lot is because I have dogs and she isn’t allowed dogs in her flat, so when I came to hers, I would have to get there late and leave at 4am to get back to my dogs. 

I supported her with her issues, I helped her out with loads of stuff, but nothing was ever enough, she would just turn against me for no reason. 
 

It isn’t just like a ‘I’m sad I’ve broken up’ phase, I’m really confused how to move forward in a positive way as a lot of negatives have come from this. 
 

[Gebidozo]

14 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I’m really confused how to move forward in a positive way as a lot of negatives have come from this. 

The way to move forward is to understand that these negatives are behind you now and date a person who’ll be less negative.

She behaved the way she behaved. Judging by your description, it was really getting unbearable. I’d be annoyed too. Because of that, as well as general incompatibility issues, you broke it off.

That’s it. There should be no long-term negative consequences. No more than, for example, eating poorly prepared food that doesn’t agree with your stomach would mean that you’ll never be able to enjoy food again. At most, you’d be sick for a while, and then you’ll just become more careful with what you eat and enjoy good food more.

 

[Lamron300]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

The way to move forward is to understand that these negatives are behind you now and date a person who’ll be less negative.

She behaved the way she behaved. Judging by your description, it was really getting unbearable. I’d be annoyed too. Because of that, as well as general incompatibility issues, you broke it off.

That’s it. There should be no long-term negative consequences. No more than, for example, eating poorly prepared food that doesn’t agree with your stomach would mean that you’ll never be able to enjoy food again. At most, you’d be sick for a while, and then you’ll just become more careful with what you eat and enjoy good food more.

 

The problem is I did that last time and now this is an even bigger setback. I don’t go around purposely dating people with issues or incompatibilities. With my previous ex I was 27 and she was 32 when we first met. It started off normal, then the same thing silly arguments and unhinged behavior (raising voice for no reason etc). Everything was in my court and pressurized ( it was move into my House, work for MY business) there was nothing in it for me. At the time, I thought I was being nice and these things were making us closer, but it was just manipulation. It wasn’t like I’m srupid, for example, a big argument was messages from her ex, she claimed she hadn’t spoken to him in 4 years and even went on to get a new number to prevent that happening again. The whole time she was texting him behind my back. She said she hated kids and also only gets naturally aroused once a year, but wouldn’t tell me what is the actual issue or cause, she would make out she didn’t want to have sex because I didn’t wash the dishes or didn’t shower or anything. 
 

The same thing with my current ex. We didn’t break up because of marriage/kids but she would never just say the truth which is she has been married once and doesn’t want to get married again. Not only did she want to have kids even by expensive IVF that id have to pay for, she was insistent on moving in with me. Why? She would always make out I’m doing something wrong, yet wanted to move in. 
 

As @FredEire said, dating shouldn’t be dreaded or stressful but that’s how I feel now.  Imagine having the conversation of moving in or kids in the future with someone. Everyone is different but I’m finding it hard to connect with people and trust them on a deeper level as people as they say one thing and mean the other. 
 

For example, my dream job is to be a sports agent, I kind of know what I need to do to make it happen. In relationships I feel like there is no control as people obtain things from me via deception. Or if they’ve had an experience (kids or previous marriage) then they don’t want it anymore with me and then try and convince me I’m wrong for wanting what I want. 

[Gebidozo]

9 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

As @FredEire said, dating shouldn’t be dreaded or stressful but that’s how I feel now.

If you keep repeatedly dating women who you feel manipulate, mislead, and treat you badly, then perhaps you should start pondering why you’re attracted to such women in the first place and why you can’t discern this type of character earlier on.

Or, at the very least, why you stay with those women even after the red flags have begun to pop up.

Either that, or perhaps there is something you keep doing that keeps making those women react in those strange ways.

We can’t really tell, because we only know your side of the story.

[Lamron300]

56 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

If you keep repeatedly dating women who you feel manipulate, mislead, and treat you badly, then perhaps you should start pondering why you’re attracted to such women in the first place and why you can’t discern this type of character earlier on.

Or, at the very least, why you stay with those women even after the red flags have begun to pop up.

Either that, or perhaps there is something you keep doing that keeps making those women react in those strange ways.

We can’t really tell, because we only know your side of the story.

The thing is I’m not attracted to those characters, it only comes out later on and then in this case I was trying to relive the first 5/6 months of the relationship. When we first started dating she said she likes living on her own, she wouldn’t do IVF etc. I hang on because it isn’t easy to meet people nowadays, so I don’t want to feel like I’m being flippant and ending things abruptly. In this case, it would be three normal days then two bad days. I thought things were misunderstandings hence why I didn’t believe the advice in this thread. If someone gave me the explanations I gave her (even though not necessary) I would accept it. 

Another example is she was brought up Mormon, but then came out of the religion with her family. She was spiritual/religious but not an exact denomination . I’m evangelical. One day she would say can she come to church with me and we should pray together and bible study etc. Then few weeks later when I would tell her my family expect me to get married and want marriage for myself, she would say ‘well I’m not religious’. Which is weird, as 1) you don’t have to be religious to understand it’s not unusual to want to get married before having kids with someone you’ve known for 8 months b) she is religious when it suits her. 
 

So to answer your question it’s not like I know these things and accept these things. I choose to believe people and they say whatever they want. That’s the lesson I need to learn. I haven’t said I’m perfect but there is nothing I have done/did to gain these reactions. It’s not just simple like if she isn’t happy then walk away. She wasn’t happy for whatever her reasons are and would just start fights to cover for it. Her ideal would be if I had started paying for IVF, no intention for marriage etc, that’s what would make her happy. 
 

She has a rich lawyer friend who is 39 and was paying for IVF herself with no male partner. She met someone who was ‘divorced’ yet still lived with his wife. He got her pregnant without knowing. He then said he didn’t want to be involved with their kid. Her friend no longer needed IVF but is now going to claim child support from this guy. Since all this happened my ex would always tell me this story and its development and I felt it made her want kids even more. 
 

She has her own reasons or psychological difficulties which I will never know the full extent of, but it’s not like I purposely go into this pattern. I fended off her moving in with me as I had learned from last time. I’m not stupid, just unlucky. 

Edited January 15 by Lamron300
Context

[Sanch62]

11 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

The problem is I did that last time and now this is an even bigger setback. I don’t go around purposely dating people with issues or incompatibilities.

The common denominator in all this lengthy mistreatment is you. When healthy people encounter such bizarre and abusive behavior, they exit. The first time. You keep sticking around, allowing it to escalate to the point where you're traumatized, and now you want to believe that this is a characteristic common to the general public. It's not.

Odds are that each of us will encounter some bad matches. But instead of overlooking the dealbreakers these present, most people recognize them as clearly unacceptable and move forward. You've refused to do that, and so you've suffered the fallout each time to the degree that you have.

That's the difference.This isn't about blame, it's about taking the pearls from the learning experience so you can move forward with confidence that you will not repeat the useless rigors of wishing for another person to change. When someone toxic shows you who they are, believe them and leave them.

[Lamron300]

11 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

The common denominator in all this lengthy mistreatment is you. When healthy people encounter such bizarre and abusive behavior, they exit. The first time. You keep sticking around, allowing it to escalate to the point where you're traumatized, and now you want to believe that this is a characteristic common to the general public. It's not.

Odds are that each of us will encounter some bad matches. But instead of overlooking the dealbreakers these present, most people recognize them as clearly unacceptable and move forward. You've refused to do that, and so you've suffered the fallout each time to the degree that you have.

That's the difference.This isn't about blame, it's about taking the pearls from the learning experience so you can move forward with confidence that you will not repeat the useless rigors of wishing for another person to change. When someone toxic shows you who they are, believe them and leave them.

@Sanch62I understand what you’re saying, but how do I move forward quickly? Even till the last moment I tried to resolve stuff and discuss as I still felt it was a misunderstanding. Till she deleted my number, hung up on me, said I don’t care what you have to say etc I didn’t finally realize I had to walk away from it.

I haven’t been this depressed or confused ever about a relationship. I’ve barely slept all week. It’s all the confusion. Like when we first started dating she would do nice things which made her stand out and seem different and it seemed she generally wanted to do these things. Then over the last month she would say ‘ I don’t like living between two houses and I don’t want to go to your house and cook then come back to mine and still have housework to do’. I never asked her to do these things and she didn’t do them all the time. As you say, I know these characteristics aren’t in the general public as people have cooked for me before and vice versa or people genuinely wanted to help where they can in a relationship. I don’t know why she turned militant and spiteful. I reflect if there is anything I could have said different or done different and I don’t think so. Even with the trip that she told me to book months ago at the end of the month, luckily I could cancel it a few days ago or that would have been $1100 wasted. I almost don’t want to do anything for someone or take anything from someone to prevent this happening again in the future. 
 

I no longer what casual relationships or surface level stuff, but how can you ensure you can smoothly integrate your life with someone else to the point of kids and marriage? When people can change so quickly. 
 

I don’t like judging people as everyone has a story or issues, but what grates me is this… After 4 months she told me she had a miscarriage in 2024, the guy didn’t know about it and it was an accident. It took me ages to get over it mentally and I didn’t want any details or ever to speak about it again. We were getting along fine. But now I’m starting to think maybe she did do it on purpose and it wasn’t an accident. She was desperate to be pregnant. Maybe she felt I wasn’t moving at her pace to have kids and she didn’t want to get married as had been divorced previously. How do you not judge someone but also protect yourself in this scenario? Those two things on their own aren’t necessarily red flags lots of people  get divorced and ‘accidents’ can happen,  but with the rest of her behavior.. 

Im trying to not take this personal and desperate not to be tempted to reach out to her to talk,  but just painting her as unstable or deceptive isn’t helping me at the moment. 
 

I’m very confused. 

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

she told me she had a miscarriage in 2024, the guy didn’t know about it and it was an accident. It took me ages to get over it mentally and I didn’t want any details or ever to speak about it again. We were getting along fine. But now I’m starting to think maybe she did do it on purpose and it wasn’t an accident. She was desperate to be pregnant. Maybe she felt I wasn’t moving at her pace to have kids and she didn’t want to get married as had been divorced previously. How do you not judge someone but also protect yourself in this scenario?

Are you referring to her having had a miscarriage, or your belief that it wasn't an accidental pregnancy? 

Because if you mean the latter, keep in mind that is your own suspicion and not necessarily true. 

[Lamron300]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Are you referring to her having had a miscarriage, or your belief that it wasn't an accidental pregnancy? 

Because if you mean the latter, keep in mind that is your own suspicion and not necessarily true. 

I’m referring to the miscarriage. I don’t know if she did try and get pregnant on purpose, but it does seem convenient. Like I didn’t judge until all these things started happening. She made a big deal of saying to me she has been single for 5 years before she met me, yet got pregnant by a random guy, who never even knows about it to this day. She would agree with me to take it one day at a time with pregnancy, then the next day say ‘Please I really want this, let’s make a concerted effort this month’ and then the next month say oh we have all the time in the world.

What I am trying to say to you, is my head is spinning. I was with her for 8 months and I can’t understand things which is making it hard to get over. We didn’t break up because of marriage or kids, but because of petty arguments she started. Did she start them because she didn’t feel I was moving fast enough and she wants to capitalize on her remaining fertility, did she genuinely just feel I was doing wrong? The reason these matter to me is something’s are more palatable. 

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

@Sanch62I understand what you’re saying, but how do I move forward quickly? Even till the last moment I tried to resolve stuff and discuss as I still felt it was a misunderstanding. Till she deleted my number, hung up on me, said I don’t care what you have to say etc I didn’t finally realize I had to walk away from it.

I haven’t been this depressed or confused ever about a relationship. I’ve barely slept all week. It’s all the confusion. Like when we first started dating she would do nice things which made her stand out and seem different and it seemed she generally wanted to do these things. Then over the last month she would say ‘ I don’t like living between two houses and I don’t want to go to your house and cook then come back to mine and still have housework to do’. I never asked her to do these things and she didn’t do them all the time. As you say, I know these characteristics aren’t in the general public as people have cooked for me before and vice versa or people genuinely wanted to help where they can in a relationship. I don’t know why she turned militant and spiteful. I reflect if there is anything I could have said different or done different and I don’t think so. Even with the trip that she told me to book months ago at the end of the month, luckily I could cancel it a few days ago or that would have been $1100 wasted. I almost don’t want to do anything for someone or take anything from someone to prevent this happening again in the future. 
 

I no longer what casual relationships or surface level stuff, but how can you ensure you can smoothly integrate your life with someone else to the point of kids and marriage? When people can change so quickly. 
 

I don’t like judging people as everyone has a story or issues, but what grates me is this… After 4 months she told me she had a miscarriage in 2024, the guy didn’t know about it and it was an accident. It took me ages to get over it mentally and I didn’t want any details or ever to speak about it again. We were getting along fine. But now I’m starting to think maybe she did do it on purpose and it wasn’t an accident. She was desperate to be pregnant. Maybe she felt I wasn’t moving at her pace to have kids and she didn’t want to get married as had been divorced previously. How do you not judge someone but also protect yourself in this scenario? Those two things on their own aren’t necessarily red flags lots of people  get divorced and ‘accidents’ can happen,  but with the rest of her behavior.. 

Im trying to not take this personal and desperate not to be tempted to reach out to her to talk,  but just painting her as unstable or deceptive isn’t helping me at the moment. 
 

I’m very confused. 

You've just had a breakup, you're not supposed to move forward quickly, you're supposed to feel like s*** for as long as you need to and in time you will be able to process things and move on.

Part of that especially people who are more analytically minded like I am and you seem to be is poring over every interaction, every "sign" in the search for some kind of meaning or resolution, as a kind of coping mechanism. The reality is you are not going to get this, and accepting that things just happened the way the happened and ascribing blame is useless. Generally if two people separate there was always good reason for it but you are not going to have 100% insight as you are not her and can't see into her head.

The important thing is just to gather and apply lessons for yourself for the future. The glaringly obvious one as others have mentioned seems to me to be not to stick in there when things start going south. Accept the person you're dating turned out not to be the person you had hoped they were and let them down gently asap.

[Sanch62]

5 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I understand what you’re saying, but how do I move forward quickly?

I meant, move forward OUT of a relationship quickly when you encounter glaring dealbreakers. Your unwillingness to do that has been your torture, and now you keep holding onto that torture as your obsession. It's unnecessary.

Quote

Even till the last moment I tried to resolve stuff and discuss as I still felt it was a misunderstanding. ...

This is the problem. You've been complaining about all the dealbreakers for months while still sticking around, and we kept trying to tell you that you CAN'T resolve crazy.

So instead of walking away quickly, you mired yourself in the crazy until the inevitable happened.

When someone is right for you, you won't need to battle crazy. You've been so desperate to force this match with the wrong person that you've ignored all the red flags. Since you refused to take action to liberate yourself, the universe pressed the eject button on this thing FOR you. Now you're free to go find your person. You can only do that by cutting the cord you keep tangling yourself up in to keep you obsessed with the crazy.

Edited January 16 by Sanch62

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

What I am trying to say to you, is my head is spinning. I was with her for 8 months and I can’t understand things which is making it hard to get over.

You just broke up. Why would you expect to be over it already? You've barely started the healing process. 

[introverted1]

On 1/14/2026 at 3:53 PM, Lamron300 said:

I may be deluding myself into thinking she could change.

This is absolutely a delusion.

This woman has a veritable parade of red flags. For her to change would involve significant insight on her part followed by therapy.  Nothing you've written suggests she is on this path.

As others have stated, it's natural/normal to be sad after a breakup.  What are you doing to take care of yourself?  Spend time with friends, start or ramp up your workout routine, learn to cook healthier meals, take up a new hobby.  Find things to focus on other than your wish that she had been different.  You cannot change the past nor who she is.  The only person you control is you. Be thankful you discovered who she is before you tied yourself to her either through marriage or a child. 

[Els]

On 1/15/2026 at 9:29 PM, Lamron300 said:

she would make out she didn’t want to have sex because I didn’t wash the dishes or didn’t shower or anything

On 1/16/2026 at 9:06 PM, Lamron300 said:

Then over the last month she would say ‘ I don’t like living between two houses and I don’t want to go to your house and cook then come back to mine and still have housework to do’. I never asked her to do these things

Okay, so while I don't think there's any point in overanalyzing your exes' behaviour, I do think there is some merit in trying to spot the patterns that show up in your previous relationships and what YOU can do to prevent them from happening again.

The first one, as everyone has said, is that you stay in a relationship that is very clearly not working. You don't seem to know when to cut your losses and leave.

The second one is that this housework thing seems to be a consistent gripe between your most recent ex and your previous ex. You don't shower before sex and you don't offer to shower if a partner wants to have sex? You don't wash dishes in your own house? You don't cook?

I mean, yeah, you say you "never asked" them to do these things, but at some point dinner time is going to come up and both of you are at your house. And now what? As the host, wouldn't you just start cooking (or order takeout or whatever) and ask her what she'd like? Considering that she'd probably do the same thing for you when you are at her house? And do you just normally leave dishes in your sink overnight if the other person doesn't do them?

You say you want marriage and kids, but if you're already having so many domestic squabbles with your partners consistently, you probably want to consider if you are pulling your weight in the house. And you want to make these changes BEFORE having kids, because the amount of household work is going to increase exponentially when you have kids. Maybe have a think about what you can do differently in your next relationship.

 

[Lamron300]

2 hours ago, Els said:

Okay, so while I don't think there's any point in overanalyzing your exes' behaviour, I do think there is some merit in trying to spot the patterns that show up in your previous relationships and what YOU can do to prevent them from happening again.

The first one, as everyone has said, is that you stay in a relationship that is very clearly not working. You don't seem to know when to cut your losses and leave.

The second one is that this housework thing seems to be a consistent gripe between your most recent ex and your previous ex. You don't shower before sex and you don't offer to shower if a partner wants to have sex? You don't wash dishes in your own house? You don't cook?

I mean, yeah, you say you "never asked" them to do these things, but at some point dinner time is going to come up and both of you are at your house. And now what? As the host, wouldn't you just start cooking (or order takeout or whatever) and ask her what she'd like? Considering that she'd probably do the same thing for you when you are at her house? And do you just normally leave dishes in your sink overnight if the other person doesn't do them?

You say you want marriage and kids, but if you're already having so many domestic squabbles with your partners consistently, you probably want to consider if you are pulling your weight in the house. And you want to make these changes BEFORE having kids, because the amount of household work is going to increase exponentially when you have kids. Maybe have a think about what you can do differently in your next relationship.

 

I don’t seem to want to leave because unreasonableness is mixed with giving people the benefit of the doubt. Like the first argument we ever had was about me not coming to see her when she was sick and her having to come to me. On the surface it seems reasonable? Right? Seems like she could genuinely have felt that I wasn’t prioritizing her and expecting her to come to me even when she was sick. Wrong! She didn’t even mention it at the time and it came up in another unrelated discussion. The reason I didn’t come is up till this point she kept always asking me if I’m sure I want her to come round and it’s not cramping my style or being in my space a lot. In my head when she said am I sure I want her to come, I thought it was her being self depreciating again. It was 10pm and she was on her way back from work on the way via my house anyway. Argument could have not happened or been resolved if she just told me she wanted me to come. So to answer your point, you would think okay stuff like that can be fixed just misunderstanding or communication, but it wasn’t. Everything was always my fault.

In terms of housework, it again is not accurate. My ex would cook at her house and ASK me if she can bring left overs for me. Or we would go grocery shopping together and decide what we wanted to eat together. When not with her I cooked for myself or ordered takeaway. When she was round I would order takeaway for us or we would go out for dinner. I cooked for us once. Or she worked shift work at hospital so she would come to mine at 9 or 10pm sometimes when we had both already eaten. But because of her mental state she would put in her head that she is always coming and cooking, which wasn’t true. I pay cleaners to clean my house, my house is sparkling every two weeks. I have Gardner’s, I have people who clean my car etc. I have never asked her or anyone to clean or cook . That’s what annoys me. Don’t do something out of your own choice in my house and then months later bring it up. Every dinner we went for in 8 months I paid for. Every holiday I paid for. I bought her a brand new apple watch to check her temperature . She didn’t have money till payday, I lent her money for dentist appointment and never asked for it back. This is why it’s unreasonable and disrespectful, that she brought up the one time she did my laundry and forgets all the things I did for her, which is more. 
 

The sex and shower thing was my precious ex, my current ex we would have sex in the morning spontaneously, when neither of us has showered and pretty much same with previous partners. My previous ex had an issue she wouldn’t disclose. She would not get ‘wet’ and sex could be painful. Instead of telling me, she would use excuses such as me not cleaning the dishes (I have a dishwasher) or me not showering, which wasn’t true. It was her problem and she made it out to be my problem. 
 

My current ex wanted kids and to move into my house, but not marriage. My previous ex wanted me to out her on my mortgage, after 1 year of dating, despite us having no connections and her never given me a penny. It is clear that both these positions are unreasonable. 
 

But your post is right in what you’re saying, I need to think what I can do different. Apart from just avoiding these people and ending things sooner. I’m not perfect at all, but I do at least say what I want clearly.

Edited January 18 by Lamron300
Context

[Els]

35 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

So to answer your point, you would think okay stuff like that can be fixed just misunderstanding or communication, but it wasn’t. Everything was always my fault.

It's not about specific arguments, it's about the relationship as a whole. I think you just need to look back at all the posts you've made about her and imagine if a friend was telling you this about their relationship. What would your advice to them be?

35 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

In terms of housework, it again is not accurate. My ex would cook at her house and ASK me if she can bring left overs for me. Or we would go grocery shopping together and decide what we wanted to eat together. When not with her I cooked for myself or ordered takeaway. When she was round I would order takeaway for us or we would go out for dinner. I cooked for us once. Or she worked shift work at hospital so she would come to mine at 9 or 10pm sometimes when we had both already eaten. But because of her mental state she would put in her head that she is always coming and cooking, which wasn’t true. I pay cleaners to clean my house, my house is sparkling every two weeks. I have Gardner’s, I have people who clean my car etc. I have never asked her or anyone to clean or cook . That’s what annoys me. Don’t do something out of your own choice in my house and then months later bring it up

Again, you are making this about her... but that's not the point of this discussion. Of course your ex was unreasonable in many aspects. That doesn't change the fact that there are things that you might want to consider doing differently.

 May I suggest that most people cook for their partners more often than once in 8 months? And the ones who don't, are generally in a relationship where the chores are divided that way (so for instance one person always cooks and the other always cleans). 

Generally speaking, you seem to just pay other people to get household stuff done (cleaners, gardeners, takeout, carwash, etc). This is fine and your choice, but then you complain that your partners are asking you to pay for stuff, and that they are complaining about you not doing housework. There seems to be a mismatch of expectations here, but it sounds to me like you are giving your partners the impression that you are loaded and can pay for anything, and also the impression that you are bad at doing household chores. I'm curious what you would do when you have kids - are you going to put more time into household work, or are you willing and able to pay for all of the childcare and additional costs?

35 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

The sex and shower thing was my precious ex, my current ex we would have sex in the morning spontaneously, when neither of us has showered and pretty much same with previous partners. My previous ex had an issue she wouldn’t disclose. She would not get ‘wet’ and sex could be painful. Instead of telling me, she would use excuses such as me not cleaning the dishes (I have a dishwasher) or me not showering, which wasn’t true. It was her problem and she made it out to be my problem. 

Okay, but again, most people would just shower if their partner said they'd like them to do that before they have sex, it takes 5 minutes...

Quote

But your post is right in what you’re saying, I need to think what I can do different. Apart from just avoiding these people and ending things sooner. 

Yes, absolutely. IMO there is a lot of give-and-take that normally happens in relationships, that was missing from yours - on both parties' sides.

Ending things sooner is really important as well. Hopefully with your next relationship you will be able to identify incompatibility and take action on it earlier.

Edited January 18 by Els

[Lamron300]

2 minutes ago, Els said:

It's not about specific arguments, it's about the relationship as a whole. I think you just need to look back at all the posts you've made about her and imagine if a friend was telling you this about their relationship. What would your advice to them be?

Again, you are making this about her... but that's not the point of this discussion. Of course your ex was unreasonable in many aspects. That doesn't change the fact that there are things that you might want to consider doing differently.

 May I suggest that most people cook for their partners more often than once in 8 months? And the ones who don't, are generally in a relationship where the chores are divided that way (so for instance one person always cooks and the other always cleans). 

Generally speaking, you seem to just pay other people to get household stuff done (cleaners, gardeners, takeout, carwash, etc). This is fine and your choice, but then you complain that your partners are asking you to pay for stuff, and that they are complaining about you not doing housework. There seems to be a mismatch of expectations here, but it sounds to me like you are giving your partners the impression that you are loaded and can pay for anything, and also the impression that you are bad at doing household chores. I'm curious what you would do when you have kids - are you going to put more time into household work, or are you willing and able to pay for all of the childcare and additional costs?

Okay, but again, most people would just shower if their partner said they'd like them to do that before they have sex, it takes 5 minutes...

Please remember that these women are in the past and putting the blame on them does you no good. The only thing you should carry into the future is the knowledge you have gained on what YOU can do differently.

 

It’s my fault for confusing you without context. With my previous ex, it wasn’t about showering and sex. She didn’t want to have sex for her medical reasons and would falsely blame it on me not showering. After months and tension she admitted she only gets naturally horny once a year. This is textbook gaslighting. It wasn’t like we had a healthy sex life and she reasonably requested me to shower before sex. She didn’t like sex and could have been honest from the beginning. I would have been understanding or at least have been able to make my own decision, on if it was a dealbreaker. My current ex we would have sex all the time, showered or not. I don’t smell, or not more than anyone else on here who has sex in the morning! 
 

Cooking isn’t my forte, I make very simple meals for myself. For example, my ex doesn’t like chicken on the bone, whilst I love chicken on the bone. If she was round mine, I’d make sure I had chicken mince in etc. I’m not loaded, I’m just busy, I run two companies which she knows. I have never gone to a partners house and judged them or state of their house. It can’t be compared someone coming to my house twice a week to living with someone 24/7, I cannot confirm how I would be in terms of household chores if I have kids, but you have a good point. It is something to consider. This is a big part of the reason I pushed back on her moving in with me. I don’t want someone to move in with me and complain about how I do things in an unconstructive way. If she wasn’t happy with me, why did she want to move in anyway? 
 

I want kids and marriage badly as I cannot do surface level relationships anymore. That’s what bitterly disappointed me about my current ex. I brought things to her that I don’t speak or haven’t spoken to about anyone else and because of her state of mind her response was ‘why do you have to talk about work all the time, why can’t we talk about nice things like baby names’. I never talked about work all the time, a client was trying to sue me for no good reason and I thought I could speak to my partner about it. Like she would speak to me about all her stuff. 
 

Im not trying to be the victim etc or say I’m perfect but I’m slowly starting to realize, with some people there is nothing you can do to make them happy, which is reasonable.