What should I Do? I wanted kids and marriage with her now I need to think carefully

[Acacia98]

On 1/2/2026 at 2:06 AM, Lamron300 said:

I’m tired of women wanting me for their very narrow reasons. I’m tired of people convincing me things I want which are rational are irrational because of their own experience. 

You can't control what other people think about you or want from you. But you can control whether you give them the time of day.

It sounds like you're setting yourself up to fail by just going with the flow and dating whoever and then getting surprised when they turn out to be complex human beings who are selfish, dishonest, manipulative, etc. 

You need to start out with a better set of criteria so that you don't end up dating women who are likely to be incompatible with you (For instance, don't date women in their forties as they're likely to be watching their biological clock keenly and may want to have kids sooner than you are ready to. Another example: You already know that marriage matters to you, so don't date women who are not interested in marriage.)

Also, give yourself more time to get to know the people you're dating so that you can determine whether you're on the same page. Most people are on their best behavior for the first 3-6 months. So you might not get a sense of what they're really like until you have known them for at least one year. If it turns out you're not on the same page, then you should end the relationship instead of extending it indefinitely. Please, please don't start planning to marry or move in unless you have gotten to know a woman very well over the course of at least one year. Some people are exceptional and will "just know" that someone's right for them after a few weeks. Remember: Those are the exception. So don't assume you can have the same experience.

You already have all the information you need to fix your problem (if you want to fix it).

[basil67]

@Lamron300 Can I flip your narrative so that you think of her?   She's a 40 yo (or maybe 41 now) woman who knows she wants kids and doesn't have a moment to waste.   You on the other hand know you want love and marriage first and have a lot of time up your sleeve.   You also know that the two of you are incompatible in your wants.

When you started this thread back in Oct, you'd been with her for 6 months.  You're now 9 or 10 months in and are aware of this incompatibility, so why are you wasting her precious fertile years?  If you're not going to leave for your own sake, at least her go so that she can find a man who wants what she wants.  Or get donor sperm.  Or at the very minimum, tell her that you won't be fathering kids with her anytime soon

Edited yesterday at 12:49 AM by basil67

[Lamron300]

On 1/5/2026 at 3:25 PM, Els said:

You're being awfully judgmental about "most people", aren't you?

Lots of people have happy and fulfilling relationships, because they look for partners who are compatible with what they want in a relationship. Unlike you, they don't cling to an incompatible, failing, bad relationship to their dying breath out of fear of not finding anyone ever again.

Every day that you spend in a bad relationship is a day that could be spent with someone else, or that could be spent working on yourself. Unfortunately you've spent a lot of days on this one, and you don't even seem to intend to stop.

That’s not the case. I’m 100% willing to end things but she keeps saying she does want what I want. I am not trying to make square pegs fit round holes. If someone said I don’t want marriage or I don’t want kids, that would be the end. But she keeps saying that she does want these things and sometimes will say something like I need to feel secure. Or she will say something that contradicts. It’s a case of do you believe her or not. 

[FredEire]

9 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

That’s not the case. I’m 100% willing to end things but she keeps saying she does want what I want. I am not trying to make square pegs fit round holes. If someone said I don’t want marriage or I don’t want kids, that would be the end. But she keeps saying that she does want these things and sometimes will say something like I need to feel secure. Or she will say something that contradicts. It’s a case of do you believe her or not. 

If people are putting conditions on things 9 times out of 10 they don't actually want those things.

It's a bit like where people are dating and someone says "I don't want to rush it, I'm not ready to commit". Almost always what they really mean is they're just not into it.

Usually if it's not a hell yes it's a hell no, otherwise people just get coerced into things they half want and it breeds resentment down the line.

[Lamron300]

18 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

You can't control what other people think about you or want from you. But you can control whether you give them the time of day.

It sounds like you're setting yourself up to fail by just going with the flow and dating whoever and then getting surprised when they turn out to be complex human beings who are selfish, dishonest, manipulative, etc. 

You need to start out with a better set of criteria so that you don't end up dating women who are likely to be incompatible with you (For instance, don't date women in their forties as they're likely to be watching their biological clock keenly and may want to have kids sooner than you are ready to. Another example: You already know that marriage matters to you, so don't date women who are not interested in marriage.)

Also, give yourself more time to get to know the people you're dating so that you can determine whether you're on the same page. Most people are on their best behavior for the first 3-6 months. So you might not get a sense of what they're really like until you have known them for at least one year. If it turns out you're not on the same page, then you should end the relationship instead of extending it indefinitely. Please, please don't start planning to marry or move in unless you have gotten to know a woman very well over the course of at least one year. Some people are exceptional and will "just know" that someone's right for them after a few weeks. Remember: Those are the exception. So don't assume you can have the same experience.

You already have all the information you need to fix your problem (if you want to fix it).

But where I get stuck is people are not honest with me with their intentions. I met my ex gf when I was 26/27 and she was 32. I didn’t raise the subject of kids/marriage as I am a laidback person. I thought there would be a natural point when you start talking or considering those things. I don’t mind people assessing if I’m right for them and vice versa. However, she was so sly and disingenuous. For example, she had zero libido and sex was almost painful for her.  Only after around 2 years she came clean and said she only naturally gets horny like once a year. No judgement but she didn’t just say it like that, she would manipulate and say we can’t have sex because I didn’t wash the dishes or didn’t shower etc or any excuse. Then we never talked about kids directly but she said she hated kids and they’re noisy and expensive etc. Clearly when you combine the two she had some issues but didn’t want to tell me, which I deserve to know as it directly impacts me. 
 

My current gf when I initially raised marriage as a discussion would say stuff like ooh but it means you have to change your name and ahh would mean I wouldn’t qualify as a first time homebuyer anymore. Then now she will say she wants what I want etc. You don’t know what to believe. And I say when I say I want marriage I don’t mean this second, you have to feel it, endorse it and believe in it. I’m not putting a timescale on. But I don’t want to have kids first, as there isn’t any connection. You can accidentally knock someone up, it isn’t inherently romantic. 
 

If I do get the impression or vibe that things are beyond repair or reasoning, I will break it off. 

[Lamron300]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

@Lamron300 Can I flip your narrative so that you think of her?   She's a 40 yo (or maybe 41 now) woman who knows she wants kids and doesn't have a moment to waste.   You on the other hand know you want love and marriage first and have a lot of time up your sleeve.   You also know that the two of you are incompatible in your wants.

When you started this thread back in Oct, you'd been with her for 6 months.  You're now 9 or 10 months in and are aware of this incompatibility, so why are you wasting her precious fertile years?  If you're not going to leave for your own sake, at least her go so that she can find a man who wants what she wants.  Or get donor sperm.  Or at the very minimum, tell her that you won't be fathering kids with her anytime soon

@basil67 Because she doesn’t say she doesn’t want what I want. She makes out that she does. So I get confused internally like what is the issue? If we are in agreement of what we want, then all that is left is working towards it. But I have a feeling she doesn’t want what I want. She wants kids but not marriage. And where the bitterness comes in is she has been married before, just like when I dated women with kids. They wouldn’t be in a rush to do it again, hence I’m the one who doesn’t get what I want. 
 

She has said to me in the past, I want to make sure this isn’t a waste of time. I will dump her on the spot if she uses the phrase wasting time again. I explains to her, I’ve known her for 8 months out of her 40 years of life. So all those precious relationships or marriage etc or even single years weren’t a waste, but meeting me and having a standard relationship and working things out is? Her biological clock isn’t my problem. When we met, we didn’t meet to have kids etc and I was the one who mentioned it after 3/4 months. Because I didn’t want anything which could curtail the relationship down the line. 
 

if she wasn’t with me, except she is desperate and meets someone or tricks someone, it isn’t a guarantee she would have kids in her next relationship anyway. 
 

Im mature and have explained it isn’t a transactional relationship. I’m not saying I’ll have kids with you,  if you marry me or I’ll let you move in etc if you do xyz. I want things to develop organically and genuinely. 

[Lamron300]

17 minutes ago, FredEire said:

If people are putting conditions on things 9 times out of 10 they don't actually want those things.

It's a bit like where people are dating and someone says "I don't want to rush it, I'm not ready to commit". Almost always what they really mean is they're just not into it.

Usually if it's not a hell yes it's a hell no, otherwise people just get coerced into things they half want and it breeds resentment down the line.

I agree and I already said to her I don’t want to talk about these things like it’s a business transaction. I envisaged that if I ever got married, it would be a natural feeling and I’d get a vibe and then feel comfortable to propose. I only even brought it up in this relationship because the talk of kids. I don’t want to have kids with someone who will turn against me over a small argument or is so wrapped up in their own stuff etc. 

I thought everything was simple and first 5 months was great. I was on board with kids etc as everything felt right and I thought it would develop naturally into this blissful family life etc. I then realized nothing was worked out in terms of living situation, beliefs, if she was dismissive of my issues now, then when a baby is involved that would be another excuse. I know it seems like why are you with her if complaining, but it’s not that simple when she denies everything or has a reason for everything. 

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I agree and I already said to her I don’t want to talk about these things like it’s a business transaction. I envisaged that if I ever got married, it would be a natural feeling and I’d get a vibe and then feel comfortable to propose. I only even brought it up in this relationship because the talk of kids. I don’t want to have kids with someone who will turn against me over a small argument or is so wrapped up in their own stuff etc. 

I thought everything was simple and first 5 months was great. I was on board with kids etc as everything felt right and I thought it would develop naturally into this blissful family life etc. I then realized nothing was worked out in terms of living situation, beliefs, if she was dismissive of my issues now, then when a baby is involved that would be another excuse. I know it seems like why are you with her if complaining, but it’s not that simple when she denies everything or has a reason for everything. 

It seems like your read is probably accurate, so as everyone has been saying on here why are you still with her?

Of course she is going to tell a story, if it's not convincing you don't have to buy it. People don't often say exactly what they mean or want, half the time they don't even know themselves. But you sure as hell aren't going to fix that.

[basil67]

10 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

@basil67 Because she doesn’t say she doesn’t want what I want. She makes out that she does. So I get confused internally like what is the issue? If we are in agreement of what we want, then all that is left is working towards it. But I have a feeling she doesn’t want what I want. She wants kids but not marriage. And where the bitterness comes in is she has been married before, just like when I dated women with kids. They wouldn’t be in a rush to do it again, hence I’m the one who doesn’t get what I want. 
 

She has said to me in the past, I want to make sure this isn’t a waste of time. I will dump her on the spot if she uses the phrase wasting time again. I explains to her, I’ve known her for 8 months out of her 40 years of life. So all those precious relationships or marriage etc or even single years weren’t a waste, but meeting me and having a standard relationship and working things out is? Her biological clock isn’t my problem. When we met, we didn’t meet to have kids etc and I was the one who mentioned it after 3/4 months. Because I didn’t want anything which could curtail the relationship down the line. 
 

if she wasn’t with me, except she is desperate and meets someone or tricks someone, it isn’t a guarantee she would have kids in her next relationship anyway. 
 

Im mature and have explained it isn’t a transactional relationship. I’m not saying I’ll have kids with you,  if you marry me or I’ll let you move in etc if you do xyz. I want things to develop organically and genuinely. 

Her biological clock is basis all the issues in your relationship, so it's very much your problem.   She doesn't have the time to let things develop organically.....and honestly my last response to you could be summed up with "if you don't want what she wants, then don't waste her time"

Edited 10 hours ago by basil67