What should I Do? I wanted kids and marriage with her now I need to think carefully

[Els]

10 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I don’t know why you would jump to conclusions. Again all wrong. The sickness had nothing to do with it, she wasn’t dying, she was at work after a 12.5 hour shift. We didn’t have to see each other that day. I can’t leave my dogs as I’ve already said a million times, so when I see her, I get to hers for like 10.30pm and leave at 4/5am. She said can I come to yours? Do I now need to be psychic to know what she really meant was actually I’d like if you offer to come to mine. We were just going to bed, it was late. We live fifteen minutes away from each other. Not like I made her travel 3 hours when sick. She is 40 years old and should be able to communicate. 
 

And even though I have changed (even though I don’t need to) let me address your point. I suffer general anxiety anyway and ONLINE dating makes it ten times worse. I always used to feel as a man on OLD ‘ what if she’s talking to 100 other people, what if she’s dating other people’, ‘ when will she delete her profile’. Then I realized to myself I cannot single-handedly change modern dating culture. Me worrying about other people’s actions doesn’t change the outcome. So I did in the past engage in going on multiple dates to try and come to the best outcome for myself. 
 

This year is different. When I first met my current partner she was great and outgoing but also in the grieving process, around two months stage she would say stuff like ‘ I’m not sure if this is too good to be true or I’m not sure if I’m using this as escapism’. Because I’m an empathetic person I said, just give the dating stage time. No pressure, just roll with it.  Then eventually it turned into a ‘relationship’. It would have been normal iWhat I am trying to say is I’m a normal person like anyone else, I’m just trying to find out what’s right for me (also open to others opinions, hence I’m on a forum). I want marriage and kids, but obviously it’s not just me that it’s up to. I’ve found unsuitable partners. I can’t win. November last year I was ‘dating’ a woman and I expressed concern that we were intimate too quickly or a lot and she said ‘ don’t worry, it’s just because we’re into each other’. Few weeks later she had a mental breakdown and ended the relationship. What I’m trying to say is i  can’t win either way..
 

 

If you have genuinely changed, then what you need is patience. Presumably you now understand that treating everyone else like a list item doesn't work, so be willing to bide your time, and don't let yourself be reduced to an item on someone else's list either.

[S2B]

She is very immature and deleted your phone number when you don’t call her? She acts like a five year old! That’s NOT someone to have as a partner! It is HER who isn’t communicating.

it was sunshine and roses - until it wasn’t. And now that it isn’t - take a look - because this is your future if you stay with her! 
you don’t need a reason to end it - you just know it no longer feels right. That’s enough to know she isn’t a good partner by the way she has been participating the past week or so.

[Lamron300]

On 10/21/2025 at 6:57 AM, S2B said:

She is very immature and deleted your phone number when you don’t call her? She acts like a five year old! That’s NOT someone to have as a partner! It is HER who isn’t communicating.

it was sunshine and roses - until it wasn’t. And now that it isn’t - take a look - because this is your future if you stay with her! 
you don’t need a reason to end it - you just know it no longer feels right. That’s enough to know she isn’t a good partner by the way she has been participating the past week or so.

That’s how she fries my brain. Her response at the time was your silence spoke volumes. I literally didn’t say anything bad to her,  and I was out with friends. I needed time to think as the conversation which caused my silence was a big one. Anyway last week/two weeks have been normal. No arguments etc. she said it could have been as she was changing medication at the time, so felt over emotional. 

We still did not get to the point it’s crazy to delete someone’s number you’ve been dating for six months (not due to infidelity or abuse, just because I was silent after an argument). She said she did it to tempt herself not to message me. I was like what if we had kids, you’d just cut me off like that?? She said communication is important blah blah. Most reasonable people would say that was an overreaction.

Long story short is I’m someone who is trying to stay positive. I don’t want to carry unsuccessful dating stories or relationships around in my mind. But I also don’t want to mess around. 90% of the time she is fine, last two weeks have been back to ‘normal’ she even stayed at my house for four days in a row before traveling. Issue is I can’t read peoples minds. I don’t want to rush kids or marriage. But I also don’t want to talk myself out of things. It’s the balance between being patient with people and knowing what’s right/wrong. 
 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I don’t want to rush kids or marriage.

You aleady are, unless you two have decided to start using contraceptives. 

At the end of the day, it's up to you what kind of relationship you want. I personally don't see this one as having much chance for long-term success but those are your choices to make.

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

That’s how she fries my brain. Her response at the time was your silence spoke volumes. I literally didn’t say anything bad to her,  and I was out with friends. I needed time to think as the conversation which caused my silence was a big one. Anyway last week/two weeks have been normal. No arguments etc. she said it could have been as she was changing medication at the time, so felt over emotional. 

We still did not get to the point it’s crazy to delete someone’s number you’ve been dating for six months (not due to infidelity or abuse, just because I was silent after an argument). She said she did it to tempt herself not to message me. I was like what if we had kids, you’d just cut me off like that?? She said communication is important blah blah. Most reasonable people would say that was an overreaction.

Long story short is I’m someone who is trying to stay positive. I don’t want to carry unsuccessful dating stories or relationships around in my mind. But I also don’t want to mess around. 90% of the time she is fine, last two weeks have been back to ‘normal’ she even stayed at my house for four days in a row before traveling. Issue is I can’t read peoples minds. I don’t want to rush kids or marriage. But I also don’t want to talk myself out of things. It’s the balance between being patient with people and knowing what’s right/wrong. 
 

 

I have a good friend who is dating a woman and says exactly the same thing, "90% of the time she is great". Different issues to your example here but the other 10% she goes into strops and starts fights with him in public. Myself and our mutual friends are pretty sure this woman is bad news for him and the 90% will soon become 80%, then 70%, etc. Nobody is on their best form 100% of the time but the important thing is that when issues come up they will be handled with mutual respect and open communication.

Apart from all that it seems like you may have chosen something far from ideal with the kids issue etc and are trying to mould it into something it isn't. It was clear from your last thread that you were feeling a bit lonely with life and the dating scene which is totally fine but trying to make something that doesnt fit fit isn't the solution to that.

Edited October 29 by FredEire

[Sanch62]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I don’t want to rush kids or marriage. But I also don’t want to talk myself out of things. It’s the balance between being patient with people and knowing what’s right/wrong. 

Then stop rushing the kids. You don't need to talk yourself out of having them, but there's a huge difference between that and learning that someone is wrong for you AFTER it's too late.

[Lamron300]

On 10/29/2025 at 2:46 PM, FredEire said:

I have a good friend who is dating a woman and says exactly the same thing, "90% of the time she is great". Different issues to your example here but the other 10% she goes into strops and starts fights with him in public. Myself and our mutual friends are pretty sure this woman is bad news for him and the 90% will soon become 80%, then 70%, etc. Nobody is on their best form 100% of the time but the important thing is that when issues come up they will be handled with mutual respect and open communication.

Apart from all that it seems like you may have chosen something far from ideal with the kids issue etc and are trying to mould it into something it isn't. It was clear from your last thread that you were feeling a bit lonely with life and the dating scene which is totally fine but trying to make something that doesnt fit fit isn't the solution to that.

That is what I’m finding difficult. In dating it is hard to find balance as nobody is perfect. I think the reason so many things fail is people are quick to give up, especially with online dating in the pocket. It’s like a candy shop for some people, pop in and pop out. However, my weak point in the past is not ending things early enough. I realize that it’s not irrational to not be happy about things and have dealbreakers. I’m not sure if I’m there yet, but I am questioning the first 6 months hence this post. 
 

A thing about me- I ask people not to talk about past relationships and I don’t want to talk about past. I make it clear as the conversation never ends up well. Not because I’m immature, but because I have foresight. For example, she always talks about having a plan B as she has been kicked out and left with nothing in the past. Then I get annoyed because I’m like you have your own job and rent a flat, you can’t go swimming without getting wet, in any relationship someone can get hurt. She was saying that if we move in she will have a storage locker for her stuff. You see a practical side, but you also see someone almost hedging their bets but also praying that she gets pregnant. It doesn’t make sense. She has said in the past can’t I realize it’s someone who is scared and to be reassuring. I am not here to convince someone, who is 40 years old of these things.

Then on the flip side things are light and easy for a lot of the time. How do you take the rough with the smooth? It’s like you can make someone out to be bad by just listing these things, but also forget about the good. If no one is perfect, it’s hard to know if the grass is greener? I just don’t want anymore drama in life. 

[FredEire]

8 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

That is what I’m finding difficult. In dating it is hard to find balance as nobody is perfect. I think the reason so many things fail is people are quick to give up, especially with online dating in the pocket. It’s like a candy shop for some people, pop in and pop out. However, my weak point in the past is not ending things early enough. I realize that it’s not irrational to not be happy about things and have dealbreakers. I’m not sure if I’m there yet, but I am questioning the first 6 months hence this post. 
 

A thing about me- I ask people not to talk about past relationships and I don’t want to talk about past. I make it clear as the conversation never ends up well. Not because I’m immature, but because I have foresight. For example, she always talks about having a plan B as she has been kicked out and left with nothing in the past. Then I get annoyed because I’m like you have your own job and rent a flat, you can’t go swimming without getting wet, in any relationship someone can get hurt. She was saying that if we move in she will have a storage locker for her stuff. You see a practical side, but you also see someone almost hedging their bets but also praying that she gets pregnant. It doesn’t make sense. She has said in the past can’t I realize it’s someone who is scared and to be reassuring. I am not here to convince someone, who is 40 years old of these things.

Then on the flip side things are light and easy for a lot of the time. How do you take the rough with the smooth? It’s like you can make someone out to be bad by just listing these things, but also forget about the good. If no one is perfect, it’s hard to know if the grass is greener? I just don’t want anymore drama in life. 

It sounds like she was a good personality/chemistry match and because you found someone like that hard to come by without thinking about it you went all in.

When you actually look at the practicalities of it, what she wants vs what you want, and some glaring red flags of fear of commitment you dont seem very compatible at all.

For me, as you say no two people are going to be a perfect match, every couple has their issues. But some acceptable differences would be say having completely different tastes in music or hobbies that don't really line up, not compromising on some pretty fundamental stuff.

[S2B]

On 10/29/2025 at 3:26 AM, Lamron300 said:

That’s how she fries my brain. Her response at the time was your silence spoke volumes. I literally didn’t say anything bad to her,  and I was out with friends. I needed time to think as the conversation which caused my silence was a big one. Anyway last week/two weeks have been normal. No arguments etc. she said it could have been as she was changing medication at the time, so felt over emotional. 

We still did not get to the point it’s crazy to delete someone’s number you’ve been dating for six months (not due to infidelity or abuse, just because I was silent after an argument). She said she did it to tempt herself not to message me. I was like what if we had kids, you’d just cut me off like that?? She said communication is important blah blah. Most reasonable people would say that was an overreaction.

Long story short is I’m someone who is trying to stay positive. I don’t want to carry unsuccessful dating stories or relationships around in my mind. But I also don’t want to mess around. 90% of the time she is fine, last two weeks have been back to ‘normal’ she even stayed at my house for four days in a row before traveling. Issue is I can’t read peoples minds. I don’t want to rush kids or marriage. But I also don’t want to talk myself out of things. It’s the balance between being patient with people and knowing what’s right/wrong. 
 

 

You aren’t  recognizing that her words and actions do NOT align. That’s a BIG problem… or should be for you!

for gods sake use a CONDOM! You are responsible for how YOU participate! 

do not bring a baby into this situation when you have no idea who she really is!

Edited November 3 by S2B

[Els]

On 11/3/2025 at 6:58 PM, Lamron300 said:

That is what I’m finding difficult. In dating it is hard to find balance as nobody is perfect. I think the reason so many things fail is people are quick to give up, especially with online dating in the pocket. It’s like a candy shop for some people, pop in and pop out. However, my weak point in the past is not ending things early enough. I realize that it’s not irrational to not be happy about things and have dealbreakers. I’m not sure if I’m there yet, but I am questioning the first 6 months hence this post. 
 

A thing about me- I ask people not to talk about past relationships and I don’t want to talk about past. I make it clear as the conversation never ends up well. Not because I’m immature, but because I have foresight. For example, she always talks about having a plan B as she has been kicked out and left with nothing in the past. Then I get annoyed because I’m like you have your own job and rent a flat, you can’t go swimming without getting wet, in any relationship someone can get hurt. She was saying that if we move in she will have a storage locker for her stuff. You see a practical side, but you also see someone almost hedging their bets but also praying that she gets pregnant. It doesn’t make sense. She has said in the past can’t I realize it’s someone who is scared and to be reassuring. I am not here to convince someone, who is 40 years old of these things.

Then on the flip side things are light and easy for a lot of the time. How do you take the rough with the smooth? It’s like you can make someone out to be bad by just listing these things, but also forget about the good. If no one is perfect, it’s hard to know if the grass is greener? I just don’t want anymore drama in life. 

I hope you've actually started using contraception...???

[Lamron300]

On 11/3/2025 at 5:32 PM, FredEire said:

It sounds like she was a good personality/chemistry match and because you found someone like that hard to come by without thinking about it you went all in.

When you actually look at the practicalities of it, what she wants vs what you want, and some glaring red flags of fear of commitment you dont seem very compatible at all.

For me, as you say no two people are going to be a perfect match, every couple has their issues. But some acceptable differences would be say having completely different tastes in music or hobbies that don't really line up, not compromising on some pretty fundamental stuff.

I’m probably as stressed out as I’ve ever been in terms of relationship stuff now. I cannot read her. As humans, we can’t see the future, but if we see a potential problem it’s our job to mitigate it. 
 

For example this is how she throws my mind. When discussing marriage she said we need to make sure we have the same moral compass (?) and she gave example she isn’t an evangelical Christian like me (she doesn’t know her branch). Few weeks later, she said why don’t we go to church together? Which I appreciated.

One minute she seems happy accepting the current reality (where we live, where we work) but then she always tries to chip away the idea of living by the sea one day. I never rule things out but I’m not at the point to think about upheaval (she knows exactly what I’m struggling with at the moment).

The thing which isn’t my fault but can scupper relationship is power dynamics. I have my own house, own business etc. I’ve found people want to benefit from that, but are also intimidated/worried. ‘ what if it doesn’t work out and I’m out on the street etc’. How do I protect myself but also be reassuring?

Things shouldn’t be complicated but they are very complicated. I don’t know how to have the difficult conversations without falling out. Also I don’t want to do what a lot of people do and look beyond a relationship as what’s the next best thing out there but would my anxiety let me realize that things could be better if it didn’t work out? 
 

I don’t know who to talk to about the relationship dilemmas or questions as I don’t want it to seem like an attack.

[Lamron300]

On 11/9/2025 at 5:34 PM, Els said:

I hope you've actually started using contraception...???

No

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

No

Ok then this begs the question, why are you being so irresponsible?  You know that you have a lot of doubts about this relationship and it's not exactly on solid ground, yet you are still trying to bring a child into an unstable relationship.

[FredEire]

7 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I’m probably as stressed out as I’ve ever been in terms of relationship stuff now. I cannot read her. As humans, we can’t see the future, but if we see a potential problem it’s our job to mitigate it. 
 

For example this is how she throws my mind. When discussing marriage she said we need to make sure we have the same moral compass (?) and she gave example she isn’t an evangelical Christian like me (she doesn’t know her branch). Few weeks later, she said why don’t we go to church together? Which I appreciated.

One minute she seems happy accepting the current reality (where we live, where we work) but then she always tries to chip away the idea of living by the sea one day. I never rule things out but I’m not at the point to think about upheaval (she knows exactly what I’m struggling with at the moment).

The thing which isn’t my fault but can scupper relationship is power dynamics. I have my own house, own business etc. I’ve found people want to benefit from that, but are also intimidated/worried. ‘ what if it doesn’t work out and I’m out on the street etc’. How do I protect myself but also be reassuring?

Things shouldn’t be complicated but they are very complicated. I don’t know how to have the difficult conversations without falling out. Also I don’t want to do what a lot of people do and look beyond a relationship as what’s the next best thing out there but would my anxiety let me realize that things could be better if it didn’t work out? 
 

I don’t know who to talk to about the relationship dilemmas or questions as I don’t want it to seem like an attack.

I think its always a good idea to communicate openly when something difficult comes up in this case.

But from what youve described in this case there are so many issues you'd be opening Pandora's box. It just seems like the relationship is unsuited to you both in so many ways but youre trying to force it somehow.

And I agree with others that this is a terrible basis to bring a child into the world.

[Sanch62]

8 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I don’t know how to have the difficult conversations without falling out.

First step is to get clear with yourself about what, exactly, those difficult topics are.

If you want to list them here, maybe we can help you brainstorm your approach to them. But viewing them as confrontational isn't helpful; 'confront' is an aggressive word, and it's unnecessary in the case of two people who are on the same side.

You can approach concerns in a curious way rather than in an accusatory way. That starts with viewing your concerns this way, which will guide your delivery.

But the very first thing I would address is your reluctance to use protection during sex. That's 'pleaser' behavior that can wreck your life.

I'd tell her in advance that I want to take pregnancy off the table for the moment until you both address some concerns you have about compatibility.

That opens the door. It's her incentive to join you in such conversations in the spirit of resolving them, and from there, you can raise your observations as questions rather than as attacks.

[Lamron300]

39 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I think its always a good idea to communicate openly when something difficult comes up in this case.

But from what youve described in this case there are so many issues you'd be opening Pandora's box. It just seems like the relationship is unsuited to you both in so many ways but youre trying to force it somehow.

And I agree with others that this is a terrible basis to bring a child into the world.

On what basis is it unsuited in your opinion? Not questioning the opinion. What I’m finding really difficult is she says she isn’t saying she doesn’t want to get married (which is a non factor as I’m not talking about marriage now but in the future) and not saying this or that. But she doesn’t seem to prioritize it as I do. Like to her there is more barriers to getting married than having a kid. Too many examples of she says stuff but then not quite then the opinion changes to my sort of thinking. 

 

 

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

On what basis is it unsuited in your opinion? Not questioning the opinion. What I’m finding really difficult is she says she isn’t saying she doesn’t want to get married (which is a non factor as I’m not talking about marriage now but in the future) and not saying this or that. But she doesn’t seem to prioritize it as I do. Like to her there is more barriers to getting married than having a kid. Too many examples of she says stuff but then not quite then the opinion changes to my sort of thinking. 

 

 

The rush into kids and marriage which seems more on her terms than yours, plus the fact you don't even know her that long. Immature behaviour coming up like deleting your number after a fight, which is not something you'd hope to see from an individual in their 40s.

It seems like you are very hesitant about this for good reason, but you are in your 30s fed up with relationships that dont work and just want to "do this relationship" thing and tick off all the boxes quickly.

The problem is that just willing it to work because youve come up frustrated in the past isn't going to make it work. It's far more likely to land you with children and a future loveless marriage going into middle age.

The way you talk about it here it seems more like hard work than anything. And while any serious relationship requires a bit of work from both parties it should be fueled by happiness, good communication and shared goals.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

No

Then your claim that you don't want to rush kids is a load of malarkey. 

At this point, I can only assume you are hoping that if she gets pregnant she will decide she wants to marry you. You seem a lot more afraid of being single again than anything else. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

What I’m finding really difficult is she says she isn’t saying she doesn’t want to get married (which is a non factor as I’m not talking about marriage now but in the future) and not saying this or that. But she doesn’t seem to prioritize it as I do. Like to her there is more barriers to getting married than having a kid.

What reasons does she give for not wanting to get married?  You need to figure out if she simply doesn't want all the fuss and bother, or if she's not interested in marrying you specifically

[S2B]

So then you accept that she wants you for having a child but not as a husband.

 

[Bassthumper]

On 10/10/2025 at 7:39 AM, Sony12 said:

She's looking for a sperm donor.

And a Monthly Check....

[Els]

On 11/11/2025 at 10:07 PM, Lamron300 said:

No

Wow. How freaking selfish can you be?

If she does get pregnant, I feel very sorry for the child.

[Lamron300]

On 11/11/2025 at 4:47 PM, Sanch62 said:

First step is to get clear with yourself about what, exactly, those difficult topics are.

If you want to list them here, maybe we can help you brainstorm your approach to them. But viewing them as confrontational isn't helpful; 'confront' is an aggressive word, and it's unnecessary in the case of two people who are on the same side.

You can approach concerns in a curious way rather than in an accusatory way. That starts with viewing your concerns this way, which will guide your delivery.

But the very first thing I would address is your reluctance to use protection during sex. That's 'pleaser' behavior that can wreck your life.

I'd tell her in advance that I want to take pregnancy off the table for the moment until you both address some concerns you have about compatibility.

That opens the door. It's her incentive to join you in such conversations in the spirit of resolving them, and from there, you can raise your observations as questions rather than as attacks.

I took a break for a few weeks to think about my response. 
 

The situation is this. I have a very good quality where I don’t care about attention. Since my mid 20s I have been happy to settle down. My life feels chaotic and dysfunctional if I’m going on loads of dates with people etc. I’ve had to do that in the past as that’s the way of online dating. Rejection is normal, most first dates don’t go anywhere etc etc. So when I feel I’ve got something I try and make it work, instead of dismissing and going on to the next. 
 

With my current gf we met in May this year. It was the first time I’ve dated someone who lives very close (15 minutes). So we were able to see each other a lot more, so a lot happened in a short period of time. What I liked about her especially for the first few months is she seemed adaptable. I have two dogs, she loves dogs also so she (I felt knew) that reason she comes to me more often is I can’t leave my dogs as she lives in a flat where dogs aren’t allowed. Then that argument in month 5/6 came out of nowhere. She expected me to be psychic. She had a cold and said she was coming to my house, but what she really wanted was me to offer to come to hers. It then got twisted in the head as to she was making all the effort. I would have happily have come to hers, just basic communication. The reason I didn’t offer is she was on her way back from work and it was 10.30pm anyway, so we were just going to sleep anyway. In my head I thought she wanted to come to mine as she knew when I go to hers I come very late and leave at 5am because of my dogs. Anyway it turned into a disagreement which led to this thread. Other things had happened at that point like she had said to me why do I always talk about work and she can’t be my therapist, which I held really strongly as it’s not true. I am super independent and the things I talked to her were about big things happening in my business like people suing me for no valid reason. 
 

Anyway, the whirlwind feeling is now gone and it now feels like attritional sometimes. My head is this. I bring up marriage because I’ve never felt anyone truly committed to me. For example, people have always moved in with ME (twice) and paid no bills etc. So there is a financial benefit and incentive to do so. That’s completely different from someone saying let’s get a place together and go 50-50. Every time I have lived with someone they’ve ended up being a terrible person (cheating behind my back) and what has prolonged the relationship inadvertently is me feeling bad to kick someone out and them feeling scared to leave as they don’t have anywhere else. My current GF randomly has been bringing up when we are going to move in together quite frequently. I own my house, she rents and she doesn’t have much money. I do not want power dynamics. It’s my house, my dogs etc and resentment can fester. She knows I don’t like taking money from friends or partners so again I’ll be vulnerable to being used. I’ve been open with the power dynamics worry, I’m not sure if she fully gets it. 
 

Also, with the baby etc. What I want/wanted from dating is to fall in love, end my dating career and just settle down and have kids and get married. I didn’t have a timeline on this. When I was on dating apps; I was matching and dating people in their 20s, 30s and 40s. I date who I get along with and age wasn’t a major concern (within reason). However, now I see the flaw in that. If a woman is in mid/late thirties and she wants kids and she is on a dating site, I assume that means sooner than later. I need to be completely satisfied that this person is choosing me (no one can promise eternity) but I need to see commitment. 
 

To summarize, there are clear benefits to her for having a kid with me (she’s up against time at 40) and moving in with me (her bills would reduce). A skeptical person would say she could be using me. Obviously she has said she isn’t and say she loves me very much, but those are just words. I have heard words from many women who turned out not to be true. It’s not that specifically doubting her, but because I’m not cynical minded, I sometimes don’t anticipate danger. The only thing that shows real commitment is marriage (which I don’t want right now, it has to naturally develop on both parts) I just want to work towards it. Her stance flips like a pancake. She has said she has never said she doesn’t want to get married to me, we just need to figure something’s out. Which is fair enough, but then why isn’t the same logic applied to having kids. It comes back to her age, which again, isn’t my problem. I don’t want resentment, I want to sort things out as adults with open communication but imagine if I brought these suggestions to her? Would be Armageddon!

[Lamron300]

On 11/11/2025 at 7:53 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Then your claim that you don't want to rush kids is a load of malarkey. 

At this point, I can only assume you are hoping that if she gets pregnant she will decide she wants to marry you. You seem a lot more afraid of being single again than anything else. 

No, this isn’t true. I am not desperate to get married or have kids. I met her in May this year and it felt like a genuine whirlwind. I felt invigorated again and excited about where things could go. I didn’t ask her if she wanted kids till month 3 as in back of my head I didn’t want to waste time with someone who doesn’t want what I want eventually. However, being 40, she is up against the clock (which isn’t my problem, I know). So I thought, well if things go well and we expedite things and get married anyway (naturally not rushed) then all we’ve done is giving us a better chance of what we both wanted. 
 

However, as I said in the post above, there is difficulties in my mind. It’s my house, I’m not age restricted for kids as far as I know. I want to make sure things are done in an equal manner, so there isn’t resentment on anyone’s part.

I am not desperate. I am desperate to settle down if that makes sense. When I was online dating for past 18 months and this year, I was matching with many women of all different ages. I would ask myself, what do they want from me? For example, Im 32 and have no kids and a woman who is 45 with two kids would match with me and want to go on dates. It isn’t judgement as it takes two to match but I find it hard to know people’s intentions. I date people based on who I get along with, but it seems like age is a big factor in what i need. For example, this time last year I was dating someone who was 23(lasted maybe 2 months) I’d never dated someone that much younger than me (8 years). I gave it a chance, she wanted to be bf:gf after 3 dates. I was hesitant as didn’t know her that well. She didn’t get the grade she wanted at university, had some sort of a breakdown and then told me she couldn’t date at the moment. It taught me a lesson about really getting to know someone before getting deeply involved. Now I’m doing the opposite and I’m not sure why. I’ve been with my gf for six months and yes she has shown good qualities and nice things but also bad qualities and bad things. If she is genuine and we wait longer, chance of kids is slim. If she isn’t and we rush, then my life is ruined. If I open up to her about my dilemma, she would obviously be seriously offended. 
 

I don’t date people based on their age, but say if this hypothetically didn’t work out, then I date someone who is way 35/36, if they want kids, I’ll be in a similar situation again. 

[Lamron300]

On 11/11/2025 at 8:34 PM, basil67 said:

What reasons does she give for not wanting to get married?  You need to figure out if she simply doesn't want all the fuss and bother, or if she's not interested in marrying you specifically

This is the crux of things and my issue with her. She has said to me she has never said she doesn’t want to get married to me (it’s such an embarrassing topic as I’m not desperate to get married, like anyone else you wait and see how relationship develops but in society men are expected to propose. So if I bring it up, it makes me seem like I am persuading or convincing, which I’m definitely not). 
 

From what I ascertain she was married 17 years ago or her marriage ended 17 years ago. I don’t talk about it as for me it can trigger resentment. Anyway for example yesterday she said her sister got married on her birthday, I joked and said I want to get married on my birthday. She said we can’t get married on your birthday as it’s a big family event for her next year. I asked her to expand and she was like well if you want to Marry ME it will have to be another time. She has also on other occasions said we need to discuss it, but her words have made the barrier to marriage a lot lower than having kids together. Even a non skeptic would say and can say she’s in last chance saloon for kids. Kids don’t show commitment to me, which is something I’ve never felt in any relationship. I’ve always felt as two separate people and never trusted someone and have always been right about that. 

Hypothetically we could have never had these discussions date for 18 months and then naturally felt all these things marriages etc was the right time. But her being 40, that is unlikely to be wise. As I’ve asked and worried about, do I have feelings for her? Of course, have I enjoyed the relationship? 90% of the time, yes. The issue is now I don’t know how to talk to her without things getting really bad. For example, on a video call yesterday, she said ‘I’m old’ I want a plan. I know pregnancy can’t be expedited but we need a plan, like when you want me to move in and I think if we aren’t pregnant by June, we should get investigations. For the first time, I felt some weird uncomfortable pressure. I give her the benefit of the doubt as I have expressed wanting a kid with her previously and actively trying, but it didn’t feel weird or pressured till yesterday. Even apart from the fact it’s pretty insane to be talking about this stuff after 6 months (as I said I felt it was a whirlwind etc) she doesn’t have much money, so if we did do investigations, how would it be paid for? How would IVf be paid for? I am never again going to financially solve things or only me commit finances to a woman.  So what I’m saying to you without getting too psychological is there is a lot to unpack. I was happy to move forward with kids and I felt marriage as it was me maturing and settling down. I’ve always protected myself by either having surface level ‘situationships’ as I’ve felt it wouldn’t hurt as bad if went wrong or instead of being totally single, let me just date with no direction. I’m so confused.