What should I Do? I wanted kids and marriage with her now I need to think carefully

[Lamron300]

20 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Who said anything about 6 years? Since you can't reverse a child, why dive straight into making one even while you're still learning whether or not there are dealbreakers in your compatibility?

I understand this learning doesn't feel good, but frankly, it's the most fortunate thing to be rearing up now rather than when you're obligated to rear a child with her. I'd use protection and back off on impregnating this woman unless and until you have learned enough about your dynamics to be confident in such an important and irreversible outcome that would tie you to her forever.

You're not the one who is up against a fertility window, so no need to automatically make her limitations your own at this time. Give your Self the time and room to learn enough before it's too late. 

Hi,

it is very hard when you get wrapped up in things. I know it sounds impulsive but 95% of the time things have been good and I wouldn’t have thought to make a post till this week. She told me she loves me ‘so much’ and I felt it. I thought. Until this last few days when she has turned against me. Is there a reason someone would withhold how they’re feeling about trivial things? And not come out with it, till you ask what’s going on? I suddenly felt a vibe shift. I have now not been able to get hold of her today. We didn’t speak after 1.30pm yesterday as I wanted to reflect. 

[Sony12]

11 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Hi,

it is very hard when you get wrapped up in things. I know it sounds impulsive but 95% of the time things have been good and I wouldn’t have thought to make a post till this week. She told me she loves me ‘so much’ and I felt it. I thought. Until this last few days when she has turned against me. Is there a reason someone would withhold how they’re feeling about trivial things? And not come out with it, till you ask what’s going on? I suddenly felt a vibe shift. I have now not been able to get hold of her today. We didn’t speak after 1.30pm yesterday as I wanted to reflect. 

Most of the time their feelings have started to change. You two really haven't been dating for very long. She simply may not be as interested because the thrill isn't there like it was during the first few months.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

Until this last few days when she has turned against me.

Thank your lucky stars she's not already pregnant, then. 

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I know it sounds impulsive but 95% of the time things have been good

 This is precisely the reason why you should not rush into things. You fail to grasp that you were in the honeymoon phase and barged ahead trying to make a life-altering decision without waiting to see how you two would fare as a couple once the honeymoon was over, This is what is implusive and short-sighted about it.  

57 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Most of the time their feelings have started to change.

I agree When soneone seems to do a 180 earlier on like this, it's often the sign of rose-coloured glasses slipping off and the other person realizing it's not quite what they thought they wanted. 

[Els]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yeah, I took a look through this, too. 

OP, you seem to be desperately trying to "cement" this relationship as a reaction to not wanting to be single again. 

Right on. I feel like far too many people want a spouse and children because they think those things will fix everything that's wrong in their life. But it should really be the opposite - you generally need to be in a reasonably good place in your life to begin with, if you want to have a good chance at a good relationship.

 

[Lamron300]

So I managed to speak to her yesterday, she said I gave her the silent treatment, which is mean etc etc. I was actually on this forum reflecting on what to say before speaking. She said that all the disagreement was about was me thinking but not saying, ‘oh you’re sick let me come to you’. And all she wanted was an apology. However, that isn’t what happened or how it happened. Because I didn’t speak to her for 24hrs, she deleted my number on her phone, which causes WhatsApp photo to disappear. That got my attention and then I called her.

I feel like a kid. Even though I said to her it’s resolved, it doesn’t feel resolved in my head. Going forward in the future, what about if we argue and similar happens again. More questions than answers. 

I want kids in the near future, but I’m starting to agree with you that I need to think carefully. This whole situation last couple of days didn’t seem healthy and not sure I can trust her actions. What’s to stop her bailing out after an argument if we have a kid? Was her actions just someone who was hurt and didn’t know I would contact her again? Or someone who is ruthless and didn’t care anyway. She’s back to telling me she ‘loves me’.

[ExpatInItaly]

Let this be your wake-up call to use more common sense and mature judgement in making huge life decisions. 

Neither of you has approached this relationship sensibly. Please use contraception with her. 

[Sanch62]

7 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Was her actions just someone who was hurt and didn’t know I would contact her again? Or someone who is ruthless and didn’t care anyway.

It's someone who is punitive against your lack of psychic abilities when she withheld her preferences from you during her illness. So she wanted to punish you for that.

The problem with stuff like this is, it keeps coming in a spray that knocks the last incident from your memory. Weren't you already upset about something else before she pulled this one on you?

[Marka]

It was her punishing you. I dated a person like this. You will end up feeling as you are walking on eggshells all the time. It is not healthy. I can only advise leave now. You are in your early 30ies, you have plenty of time to find your person especially in London, where everyone settles down later in life.

[S2B]

You really should not be feeling this way six months into any relationship.

normally this is the time when it’s all sunshine and roses and a person is showing the best of who they are!  After that the true nature of the person starts to show.

if this is the good side of her - I’m afraid for you to see her true self… it’s gonna get bad! And I mean BAD for you!

[Lamron300]

I am still so confused about this woman. I don’t want to be hotheaded or rash as I came to this forum the first time something bad happened with her, but it’s because I’m still distressed. So for 5 months, no argument. She was great to me, always bringing me gifts (small things) and she seemed adaptable which was nice. I went to France for 5 days in September and she stayed with my dogs. I came back for my birthday and she had bought me a huge cake and presents (no relationship has ever made a fuss over me like that). Then it all started about ten days ago. She called me up out of the blue angry and was like ‘ what’s going on?? Friday you said you couldn’t come to mine as you were working late and Tuesday the same. For context, she does shift work, whereas I work Monday-Friday till as late as 10pm as I work for myself. She has days off in the week, I don’t. So when business has been quiet recently, I have been able to see how during daytime in the week (her place is only 15 minutes away and dogs aren’t allowed as she is renting). Then last week, I told her about serious work problems and she basically said she’s too overwhelmed with l her problems and long shifts and can’t be my therapist. I never asked her to be or asked for solutions. In my head I didn’t know how I could be cool with her again after that. We didn’t really resolve it and in subsequent argument she said she apologized, whereas I don’t think she did. She had a bereavement a year ago and is on antidepressants now. I don’t know what’s her normal behavior or not.

 

Anyway the argument last Saturday all started from me not being psychic. She always does this self-depreciating thing where she asks if I’m sure I’m ok with her staying round mine so much. So on Friday night (she had a cold), she said do you want me to come? I don’t want to give you cold and I don’t want to keep you awake. I thought oh she is just being self-depreciating as usual. Only reason I don’t come to her as often as she comes to me is can’t leave the dogs overnight too long. She had never mentioned it being an issue. Then the next day out of nowhere in an unrelated conversation she brings up how she was upset that I didn’t offer to come to hers. She could’ve just said and I would have, it was 9pm, I’d have left at 5am. Anyway turned into an unresolved thing. I took time out to post on here, didn’t speak for a day. She then deleted my number (not blocked) but her photo disappeared on WhatsApp. Anyway I then called her, we spoke and made up. But still lingers. She said deleting me was because she doesn’t tolerate poor communication and she would rather I said something bad than ignore her and she didn’t know I was going to speak to her again. 
 

On the other hand today or yesterday she said to me she is praying she is pregnant this month. None of these actions make sense. I want to settle down and think the best of people, but I’m not understanding this. 

[basil67]

It's becoming quite clear that she's not the woman for you.    I hope you've been using contraception, otherwise you'll be stuck with her in your life

[ExpatInItaly]

Does it seem smart to you to continue dating her and trying to have a baby together? 

 

[Els]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

She was great to me, always bringing me gifts (small things) and she seemed adaptable which was nice. I went to France for 5 days in September and she stayed with my dogs. I came back for my birthday and she had bought me a huge cake and presents (no relationship has ever made a fuss over me like that).

Do you ever do any of this for her? We know you don't visit her or bring her medicines when she's sick, for one thing...

Anyway, it sounds to me like she's unsure about you but she's feeling desperation due to her biological clock, so she tries and tries to make things work, but eventually all the bottled-up resentment comes out in a big argument. And on your part, honestly you sound like you have no idea how to be a good partner (and you sure don't sound interested in learning to be one, either), but you're feeling desperation because you haven't been able to get a partner to stay, and since she's so enthusiastic you're hoping that she'll keep putting up with you and you can get the things you want without needing to do any self-improvement or reflection in your life. 

Now, I imagine you'll ignore this post just as you did all the other posts that you don't like. But hey, it's your life. Good luck.

[Els]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

She always does this self-depreciating thing where she asks if I’m sure I’m ok with her staying round mine so much. So on Friday night (she had a cold), she said do you want me to come? I don’t want to give you cold and I don’t want to keep you awake. I thought oh she is just being self-depreciating as usual

Before I go, I want to point out this excellent piece of advice that was given to you in another one of your threads over a year ago:

Especially the part that says " You're certainly narrowing your dating pool to one consisting of women with problems, especially self low self esteem. This might seem appealing to you in some ways because such women often won't assert themselves and you'll be able to have things your way, but there will be relationship problems." 

It's almost like that poster was clairvoyant, don't you think?

Edited Saturday at 04:54 AM by Els

[Sanch62]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

... today or yesterday she said to me she is praying she is pregnant this month.

Sounds like she hopes she's already pregnant because her mask is slipping.

[Lamron300]

3 hours ago, Els said:

Do you ever do any of this for her? We know you don't visit her or bring her medicines when she's sick, for one thing...

Anyway, it sounds to me like she's unsure about you but she's feeling desperation due to her biological clock, so she tries and tries to make things work, but eventually all the bottled-up resentment comes out in a big argument. And on your part, honestly you sound like you have no idea how to be a good partner (and you sure don't sound interested in learning to be one, either), but you're feeling desperation because you haven't been able to get a partner to stay, and since she's so enthusiastic you're hoping that she'll keep putting up with you and you can get the things you want without needing to do any self-improvement or reflection in your life. 

Now, I imagine you'll ignore this post just as you did all the other posts that you don't like. But hey, it's your life. Good luck.

I haven’t ignored any posts, not purposely. Also I emphasized the nice things she has done because it’s not fair to come to the internet and not give full context. I have done more nice things for her. She said she wants to be able to take her temperature so I got her an Apple Watch. I took her on holiday (me paying) after just two months of dating. And many more things. I just don’t do things and then bang on about it. For example, she did my laundry yesterday. I don’t want in a future argument for someone to be like ‘ you leave your laundry for me to do’ as that’s not the case and don’t do something if you don’t want to. We weren’t even supposed to see each other the day she was sick. The problem is because we live so close, if we are both not doing something, we end up seeing each other everyday, which I’m now seeing as bad. 
 

Also how the hell do I not know how to be a good partner because I’m not psychic? It would be fair enough for a stranger to say I don’t know how to pick a compatible partner, but you’ve jumped on something I’ve said without the context? 

[Lamron300]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

It's becoming quite clear that she's not the woman for you.    I hope you've been using contraception, otherwise you'll be stuck with her in your life

This is what is messing with my head. It was all sunshine and roses till last week. And I made a decision two years ago I don’t want casual relationships, so settling down and starting a family doesn’t scare me, but I need to get it right. What is really good about me is I don’t hold on to the past as I understand the excitement of starting a new relationship is partly that it’s a fresh start. This woman wants to have kids with me, but also wants to hold back. For example, she said in her last relationship, she left with no credit score, no clothes, nothing. She said if we move in together she wants to have a storage unit as she’s learned to have a plan B. I’m not saying I want to get married now, but she will say I haven’t said I don’t want to marry you or deflect something else like why is it important. I’ve been open minded as suggested in another thread, but the fact she has been married before is definitely influencing this. I’ve lost empathy when it comes to dating as I always start off with a fresh slate. But other people don’t. For example, she talks about us getting a third dog (I have two dogs she has 0), my ex used it as a desperate attempt to try cling on to something and feel empowered, because people don’t feel like they can tell your dogs what to do. So when she brings it up, I don’t say to her oh I had bad experience with this this and that. I can’t have this conversation with her, hence as I’m on a forum. It would start more arguments. 
 

I’m at a point in my life I just want things to be simple. She’s coming over later today. I feel that I’m ok with her, then the last week has made me very wary of her. It’s making me more defensive, even if I leave her, I’m thinking it’s near impossible to form a genuine connection with people. 
 

For example, I see allowing someone into my house whenever they want (when I’m not even here) as me being open and a positive thing. Yet the argument last week about not coming to her (even though I have many times and she can’t get it into her head I don’t work shifts, so I shouldn’t even see her in the week except late in evenings) is now a bad thing. Her doing my laundry yesterday, will that be used against me in the future? Or her cooking? How do you know if someone is a bad fit, having a bad time or a bad person? You don’t want to be rash, but also don’t want to make irreversible decisions. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I’m at a point in my life I just want things to be simple

Rushing to have a baby with someone you've been dating six months was never going to be simple. You're choosing the far more complicated path, as you're seeing now. 

[smackie9]

At 6 months it's not rue love, it's infatuation. With infatuation all common sense goes out the window....it's the honeymoon period, and there is always this fantasy part where you discuss marriage, kids, naming the kids, etc...that's foolhardy stuff. 

[Els]

11 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Also how the hell do I not know how to be a good partner because I’m not psychic? It would be fair enough for a stranger to say I don’t know how to pick a compatible partner, but you’ve jumped on something I’ve said without the context? 

To be clear, I wasn't saying that solely due to the sickness incident, although honestly most adults don't need to be psychic (or asked) to demonstrate care for their sick partner.

It's just been a pattern of yours over multiple threads. Some of the things you say stand out, so I looked to see if you were one of the previous posters that I remembered, and the threads matched up.

For instance... You claim to want marriage and kids and that nobody you dated wants those things... But in a previous thread you insisted that women should be okay with having sex with you while you are still multi dating. You go through OLD dates like Kim Kardashian goes through Botox. You devise all sorts of tests for the people you're going through like laundry lists. And you took great umbrage, I might add, when people called you out on it. 

I don't really know what to say, really. On the one hand you are obviously entitled to your own choices. But how does it all even add up in your head? Do you really think you are the kind of partner that a non-desperate marriage-minded woman with healthy self esteem might want? Or have you, hopefully, changed since last year?

Edited Saturday at 08:24 PM by Els

[Sanch62]

13 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

How do you know if someone is a bad fit, having a bad time or a bad person? You don’t want to be rash, but also don’t want to make irreversible decisions. 

You keep dating them to learn this stuff over t.i.m.e. rather than rushing to make a baby with them. THAT is irreversible. The rest is live and learn as you observe.

[Lamron300]

13 hours ago, Els said:

To be clear, I wasn't saying that solely due to the sickness incident, although honestly most adults don't need to be psychic (or asked) to demonstrate care for their sick partner.

It's just been a pattern of yours over multiple threads. Some of the things you say stand out, so I looked to see if you were one of the previous posters that I remembered, and the threads matched up.

For instance... You claim to want marriage and kids and that nobody you dated wants those things... But in a previous thread you insisted that women should be okay with having sex with you while you are still multi dating. You go through OLD dates like Kim Kardashian goes through Botox. You devise all sorts of tests for the people you're going through like laundry lists. And you took great umbrage, I might add, when people called you out on it. 

I don't really know what to say, really. On the one hand you are obviously entitled to your own choices. But how does it all even add up in your head? Do you really think you are the kind of partner that a non-desperate marriage-minded woman with healthy self esteem might want? Or have you, hopefully, changed since last year?

I don’t know why you would jump to conclusions. Again all wrong. The sickness had nothing to do with it, she wasn’t dying, she was at work after a 12.5 hour shift. We didn’t have to see each other that day. I can’t leave my dogs as I’ve already said a million times, so when I see her, I get to hers for like 10.30pm and leave at 4/5am. She said can I come to yours? Do I now need to be psychic to know what she really meant was actually I’d like if you offer to come to mine. We were just going to bed, it was late. We live fifteen minutes away from each other. Not like I made her travel 3 hours when sick. She is 40 years old and should be able to communicate. 
 

And even though I have changed (even though I don’t need to) let me address your point. I suffer general anxiety anyway and ONLINE dating makes it ten times worse. I always used to feel as a man on OLD ‘ what if she’s talking to 100 other people, what if she’s dating other people’, ‘ when will she delete her profile’. Then I realized to myself I cannot single-handedly change modern dating culture. Me worrying about other people’s actions doesn’t change the outcome. So I did in the past engage in going on multiple dates to try and come to the best outcome for myself. 
 

This year is different. When I first met my current partner she was great and outgoing but also in the grieving process, around two months stage she would say stuff like ‘ I’m not sure if this is too good to be true or I’m not sure if I’m using this as escapism’. Because I’m an empathetic person I said, just give the dating stage time. No pressure, just roll with it.  Then eventually it turned into a ‘relationship’. It would have been normal iWhat I am trying to say is I’m a normal person like anyone else, I’m just trying to find out what’s right for me (also open to others opinions, hence I’m on a forum). I want marriage and kids, but obviously it’s not just me that it’s up to. I’ve found unsuitable partners. I can’t win. November last year I was ‘dating’ a woman and I expressed concern that we were intimate too quickly or a lot and she said ‘ don’t worry, it’s just because we’re into each other’. Few weeks later she had a mental breakdown and ended the relationship. What I’m trying to say is i  can’t win either way..
 

 

[Lamron300]

9 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

You keep dating them to learn this stuff over t.i.m.e. rather than rushing to make a baby with them. THAT is irreversible. The rest is live and learn as you observe.

You’re right, but that doesn’t include setting traps, like getting upset I’m not psychic. I am a reasonable person, and if someone communicates clearly worst I can say is ‘no’.

Anyway, you’re right. As good as it is at times, it’s not a reversible decision. You can’t see the future, but people’s words/actions are telling. Things would only get more stressful in the future. 

Marriage and kids are a big deal and I don’t want to bring things up early with potential partners, but I’ve wasted a lot of time up till now. I started positing on this forum at 25, I’m now 32 and things haven’t really changed. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

When I first met my current partner she was great and outgoing but also in the grieving process, around two months stage she would say stuff like ‘ I’m not sure if this is too good to be true or I’m not sure if I’m using this as escapism’.

What was she grieving, and escapism from what, exactly? 

 

[Sanch62]

9 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

You’re right, but that doesn’t include setting traps, like getting upset I’m not psychic.

I agree. It's up to you, not us, how long to stay. But if you opt to stick around, at least move baby-making off the table and stop taking irreversible risks.

Quote

Marriage and kids are a big deal and I don’t want to bring things up early with potential partners, but I’ve wasted a lot of time up till now. I started positing on this forum at 25, I’m now 32 and things haven’t really changed. 

You're not the one with the fertility window. Imposing some arbitrary deadline on your SELF has not served you well. In this case, she's the one with bio-limitations, not you. You chose to rush yourself.

Dating with a goal of long-term commitment and family is reasonable, while jumping into premature baby-making without dating long enough to discover limits on your compatibility demonstrates poor judgment. So your willingness to do this will naturally attract ONLY women with equally poor judgment, along with larger odds of other personality problems as well.

We get who we pursue. If you're screening through a fantasy lens that projects perfection onto another until reality pops that bubble, then you will forever search for perfection because it does not exist.

However, your own blind spot, a lack of discretion in rushing toward parenthood, can only glom onto matches that are equally indiscreet. So your fantasies of perfection will always get popped. That's why fantasies can be dangerous.

Address two things: a cycle of fantasy, and an unnecessary rush to procreate. Then you can learn how to relax and operate on all cylinders to keep yourself mindful and observant without rushing into a mess or creating one.