What should I Do? I wanted kids and marriage with her now I need to think carefully

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Why do you feel that? 

Because it's obvious she doesn't like as much as you like her, and she's setting herself up to have an "out" for when she's done with the relationship. I actually think she is being more realistic about this than you are, because she seems to know on some level that it is incredibly foolish to try to start a family with someone you haven't even seen 4 seasons with yet. She wants a child but knows that your relationship will be the price, and she doesn't seem to mind that too much. It's you who hasn't quite clued in to that yet. 

17 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

because of age factors I did abandon all conventional wisdom. Now I’m starting to feel negative.

Reality is setting in that you may not be a good match after all. 

24 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

But how do you know when someone is having a blip or if it is who they are?

By spending longer than 6 months with them, for starters. You don't know who she is on that level yet, just as she doesn't know who you are on that level either. 

It is concerning that you need this spelled out to you at your age, if I'm being very frank. Do you tend to be impulsive in other areas of your life? 

[Gaeta]

54 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

We have had another ‘discussion’ this morning, which has left me quite distressed and confused

That's because you don't know each other.

When we really know someone we know ahead of time what will be their reactions to situations and topics. You are still strangers. You have no clue yet if she's reliable, honest, or if her heart is in the right place.

You're about to make a baby with someone that is not interested in a life time with you. She's not even living with you. She's only interested in finding a man that will father her child and will pay child support for the next 20 years. Then try to find a girlfriend again with a baby to raise. 

Please bail out of this. 

 

[Lamron300]

31 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because it's obvious she doesn't like as much as you like her, and she's setting herself up to have an "out" for when she's done with the relationship. I actually think she is being more realistic about this than you are, because she seems to know on some level that it is incredibly foolish to try to start a family with someone you haven't even seen 4 seasons with yet. She wants a child but knows that your relationship will be the price, and she doesn't seem to mind that too much. It's you who hasn't quite clued in to that yet. 

Reality is setting in that you may not be a good match after all. 

By spending longer than 6 months with them, for starters. You don't know who she is on that level yet, just as she doesn't know who you are on that level either. 

It is concerning that you need this spelled out to you at your age, if I'm being very frank. Do you tend to be impulsive in other areas of your life? 

It’s hard to explain, as it doesn’t feel impulsive in my head, but in reality I guess it is. Everything was great and she has been saying and doing the right things till this last week. I wouldn’t have dreamt of making a post. 
 

Who’s to say that we would have a child and things would be bad? But again, who’s to say it will be good. I don’t expect to get married after 6 months, but if we are planning towards kids, is marriage in the future so bizarre? Is it enough of a dealbreaker as she isn’t sold on it as I am. 

It’s really messing with my head to the point I can’t enjoy myself today. I know I don’t have it within me to start another relationship after this. I’m 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

 

It’s really messing with my head to the point I can’t enjoy myself today. I know I don’t have it within me to start another relationship after this. I’m 

Couples seperate and divorce after years together, children and assets accumulated together and they move on and find love again. You are in a 6 months relationship, that's a drop in the ocean compared to a life time. 

[Lamron300]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

That's because you don't know each other.

When we really know someone we know ahead of time what will be their reactions to situations and topics. You are still strangers. You have no clue yet if she's reliable, honest, or if her heart is in the right place.

You're about to make a baby with someone that is not interested in a life time with you. She's not even living with you. She's only interested in finding a man that will father her child and will pay child support for the next 20 years. Then try to find a girlfriend again with a baby to raise. 

Please bail out of this. 

 

It’s a confusing one and I don’t want to paint her out as all bad. She does and has done very nice things for me, but I guess the confusion/pain will be 10x worse going forward if I dont get more clarity. I changed my ways in relationships as before I would be scared to hear people’s answer to dealbreakers for me (do you want to have kids etc?) I was impressed that we both wanted the same thing and I got a sense of maturity in the relationship.

Now it’s at the point that she overthinks and I overthink. Like she thinks what if we can’t have kids, would you leave me? And I’m thinking what if we do have a kid and you leave me or have a mental breakdown etc? I don’t know about relationship timescales as if things feel right, I feel like go for it. You could be waiting and waiting then get hit by a bus. 
 

The last calendar week, the communication has been awful between us and I’m in a situation that sucks as I can’t see it from her point of view. Like the thing this morning about not asking to go to her house instead of mine, when she could’ve just verbalized it. Now I feel she is coming resentfully. Also about her always planning stuff, which isn’t true. Then I said what’s the point of all this if you’re not happy with me, then she said is this me using this as an excuse to end things. 

[Lamron300]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Couples seperate and divorce after years together, children and assets accumulated together and they move on and find love again. You are in a 6 months relationship, that's a drop in the ocean compared to a life time. 

In the world of online dating is hard to find a good match. Almost impossible. Especially as it takes a certain kind of person I don’t think exists often. For example you have 100s of matches, you then need to settle down on one. How many people in this generation can refuse the attention? I feel you’re always on egg shells. Is this person truthful? Are they dating behind my back etc. 

Anyway, no one put a gun to my head to date her. Things were unbelievably good till this week and the only issue I had in my head was time. Time in terms of pregnancy and time in wow we haven’t known each other wrong. Now I’m thinking is it grief and low mood making her behave like this and is it an adult thing to bail out or is this how she is. Like I would love to be wrong and apologize but I can’t actually see what I’ve done wrong for her to bring these things up. I cannot stand someone feeling I’m doing wrong against them or ruminating over stuff behind my back as I feel it will just end in disaster anyway. So I’m currently not really talkative to her, I don’t know what to say. 

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You sound like a smart businessman, but your common sense and life-smarts here have taken a leave of absence.

Why do you feel that?

What part of 6 months being too early to plan marriage or children is difficult to grasp?

You're just starting to learn more realities about your compatibility now. Keep doing that, and it may become apparent to you that raising a child with this woman and legally bonding in marriage might be two of the biggest mistakes you can make in your lifetime. Just give yourself the t.i.m.e. to learn whether that is true.

[S2B]

Date her for two years before considering having a baby. You need to know her better in many circumstances.

If she’s not willing to wait then you have your answer.

Edited October 11 by S2B

[Gaeta]

31 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

 

The last calendar week, the communication has been awful between us 

You're just starting to see her true colors. Her ability to solve problems, her communication style, her level of empathy for her partner. She does not sound like someone you should make babies with. Take all ofvher unabilities and add a crying baby, lack of sleep, financial stress...you think she'd be a good supportive partner! 

Yes finding love nowadays is challenging, that was my point. You are a young man with no children, you're a good candidate for women around your age. If you have a child with this women you will be single again in 2 years....then imagine how harder it will be to date with a 1 year old.

Babies don't keep couples together. It's a challenge even on the strongest couples. The weak ones don't make it.

[Lamron300]

42 minutes ago, Sanch62 said:

What part of 6 months being too early to plan marriage or children is difficult to grasp?

You're just starting to learn more realities about your compatibility now. Keep doing that, and it may become apparent to you that raising a child with this woman and legally bonding in marriage might be two of the biggest mistakes you can make in your lifetime. Just give yourself the t.i.m.e. to learn whether that is true.

That’s a question I guess time will answer, but if it’s a mistake then it wouldn’t be reversible. I know 6 months is too short (conventionally) but is 6 years? We don’t have time on our side if we want to have children, which we both wanted. But now I am seeing the down sides on days like today when I’m left feeling lost and confused. I haven’t done anything wrong but feel like I’m having to defend myself. For example, she said it feels heavy talking about my issues at work when she’s in a low mood and I can’t be her therapist. That statement I haven’t been able to forgive. As I never asked for answers, I just told her my issues at the moment and why I’m feeling nervy. This made me think, can I really rely on her? I know the modern day way is just to quit a relationship when it gets hard, which I don’t want to do. 

[Lamron300]

44 minutes ago, S2B said:

Date her for two years before considering having a baby. You need to know her better in many circumstances.

If she’s not willing to wait then you have your answer.

She would be 42 in 2 years. That would make things a lot more difficult. 

[ShyViolet]

1 minute ago, Lamron300 said:

She would be 42 in 2 years. That would make things a lot more difficult. 

That doesn't justify trying to have a baby with someone who you've been dating for only 6 months.  Why are you still not grasping that?

[Lamron300]

4 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

That doesn't justify trying to have a baby with someone who you've been dating for only 6 months.  Why are you still not grasping that?

Does true love not count? I know it sounds crazy but the 6 months have been a whirlwind (in a good way, till now). I’m now thinking is it a blip or true colours? She’s raising small issues which are completely untrue like me not planning things or always talking about work. Why be with me if that’s how you truly feel ? And why plan to kids with me? I don’t think this can be discussed together without falling out. Is it sometimes in life people have pre existing problems and that will sabotage everything else? And you can be collateral damage or not. 
 

I want to put myself in her position. If someone is willing to come to your house, but you’re saying you’re coming to them and expect them to be a mind reader and realize you actually wanted them to offer to come to yours, that’s setting me up to fail. Is she unreasonable? Or just sensitive? Or have I done anything wrong? My brain is in overdrive. I’m realizing this is why relationships fail or people find reasons to make them fail. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I know the modern day way is just to quit a relationship when it gets hard,

Come on, now.  If this were true, why do we see so many threads here from people who stay in bad relationships, refusing to quit at the expense of their own well-being?  

And really, it's not like the Olden Days were a model of relationship success either. Plenty of people stayed in unhealthy and unhappy relationships not because they loved each other but because the social pressure to keep the family together and stigma of divorce was too shameful to face. Let's not pretend that was always the better option to leaving. 

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I was impressed that we both wanted the same thing and I got a sense of maturity in the relationship.

I am sincerely wondering what your definition of maturity is here, because when I read your description of this relationship and the choices you two have been making....well, maturity is not a word I'd use to describe it. More like the opposite, at least on an emotional level. 

[Sanch62]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

That’s a question I guess time will answer, but if it’s a mistake then it wouldn’t be reversible. I know 6 months is too short (conventionally) but is 6 years?

Who said anything about 6 years? Since you can't reverse a child, why dive straight into making one even while you're still learning whether or not there are dealbreakers in your compatibility?

I understand this learning doesn't feel good, but frankly, it's the most fortunate thing to be rearing up now rather than when you're obligated to rear a child with her. I'd use protection and back off on impregnating this woman unless and until you have learned enough about your dynamics to be confident in such an important and irreversible outcome that would tie you to her forever.

You're not the one who is up against a fertility window, so no need to automatically make her limitations your own at this time. Give your Self the time and room to learn enough before it's too late. 

Edited October 11 by Sanch62

[Lotsgoingon]

Look, you ABSOLUTELY need to find out about her first marriage. That comes with time. You take people as they are, you say. 

Dude, that is so wrong. You take people as they appear to be to you right now, based on your limited insight and experience and based on how they are presenting themselves and what they are hiding. 

Who people are right now is partly based on who they were a few years back and a decade back and on and on. You have no idea who she is right now? I don't care how good it feels. BTW: she's told you that you aren't at the point to think about marriage. Why are you ignoring her?  You think she's an idiot? 

You don't have the maturity or social wisdom to be pushing forward with having a child. Sorry. You need to slow down and find out about her and about you. Six months is not enough time. People can fake it for longer than that! You know how much debt she has? You know about her parents' relationships? You've seen her in action when you're sick? You've seen yourself in action when she's sick?

Every difference between you guys---even the qualities in her that you love RIGHT NOW--can be the source of conflict in a serious long-term relationship. 

That's why you want to take your time and see how you guys work things through. 

Edited October 11 by Lotsgoingon

[S2B]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

She would be 42 in 2 years. That would make things a lot more difficult. 

Then she isn’t a good fit for you.

[Els]

7 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

She then said like yesterday I knew she had a cold, she was thinking, why didn’t I offer to go to her place? I was astounded, as our places are only 15 mins apart and she knows that the only reason I didn’t go instead of her coming to me is due to the dogs. And if she wanted me to come to her instead, she could have just said.

Yeah, IMO both sides messed up here. She should have said something and her communication sounds poor... but also doesn't it feel wrong to you to ask the sick person to come to you instead of you visiting her and bringing soup and meds? Like, when she's pregnant and throwing up, are you going to ask her to cook dinner just because she didn't ask you to cook first?

At the end of the day though the two of you are just not compatible. If you do get her pregnant I don't think the two of you would last another 2 years, let alone a lifetime. Kids really test a relationship, and the two of you already have plenty of challenges WITHOUT kids, and at 6 months no less (which is usually the honeymoon phase!). Also, as I mentioned before, you don't sound anywhere near ready to be a parent.

Save yourself 18 years of child support is my suggestion.

 

Edited October 11 by Els

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Does true love not count? I know it sounds crazy but the 6 months have been a whirlwind (in a good way, till now). I’m now thinking is it a blip or true colours? She’s raising small issues which are completely untrue like me not planning things or always talking about work. Why be with me if that’s how you truly feel ? And why plan to kids with me? I don’t think this can be discussed together without falling out. Is it sometimes in life people have pre existing problems and that will sabotage everything else? And you can be collateral damage or not. 

Our mind can play tricks on us this early in a relationship.  All those hormones buzzing around can cause infatuation and this has us not paying attention to the issues we should be caring about.   It's not until about 8-12 months in that the hormones settle somewhat and you can take off your rose coloured glasses and look at things objectively.   You're already starting to see problems, and I guarantee you will start to see more.  But only time will tell you if you can live with those problems.

Yes, your girlfriend would be getting quite old in pregnancy terms if you wait, but that doesn't justify making a rash decision now.   That said, no matter who she has children with, she would be wise to start consulting with a fertility clinic and have her fertility assessed, and retrieve some eggs if possible. 

[Gebidozo]

10 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I know I don’t have it within me to start another relationship after this.

That’s just how you’re feeling now. A person is always able to start a relationship, at any age and regardless of what has happened in the past.

The best relationship of my life started when I was 47 years old. After 3 failed marriages plus a 7-year relationship.

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Does true love not count?

True love is something that develops over the course of many years, not something that can be applied to a six month relationship.

 

[Alpacalia]

You believe in marriage as a foundational commitment, especially before having children. She doesn’t seem to share that priority, and her past experience with marriage likely influences that. That’s not wrong or bad — it’s just different.

How you both handle stress, how you define commitment, how you support each other are at complete odds with the other, bringing a child into that kind of environment. Nope, no good.

Children don’t just inherit your DNA. They inherit your emotional climate. If you and she are fundamentally misaligned on how to handle stress, how to communicate, and what commitment looks like, then parenting together is the LAST thing you should be doing until those gaps are addressed.

Plenty of women want children without getting married…but then, you have to wonder what’s really driving that choice.

If you can’t accept her stance on marriage, then the most honest and respectful thing you can do — for yourself, for her, and for any future child — is to acknowledge that mismatch now, before it becomes a lifelong bind.

She doesn't want marriage and she barely wants to…meet you halfway on the things that matter most to you. That’s the reality you’re facing.

I'm sorry 

[MsJayne]

This woman's looking for a sperm donor and if you allow it to be you, you're making a big mistake. If you want marriage and children, proper family commitment, you need find a woman who also wants the same things, someone younger who isn't going to end up being a burden to you, not some jaded divorcee who sounds like she's using you to solve her childlessness problem. You need to run. Save your sperm for someone who will use it for good instead of evil.  

[S2B]

If she is that desperate to have a child she should consider a speem donor.

if it’s you and it doesn’t work out - you could be paying support money for nearly 20 years.

think hard about that. 
 

her attitude about listening to your work issues is NOT a supportive partner! She sounds self centered and self absorbed. That would never be the partner I would want!

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/10/2025 at 6:18 PM, Els said:

Edit: Okay, I just glanced through your last thread. You've got a lot to work on, mate. Like, a LOT. The issues in this relationship notwithstanding, IMO you are not anywhere near ready to be a parent.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/661948-how-to-avoid-problems-and-start-a-relationship

Yeah, I took a look through this, too. 

OP, you seem to be desperately trying to "cement" this relationship as a reaction to not wanting to be single again.