What should I Do? I wanted kids and marriage with her now I need to think carefully

[Lamron300]

8 hours ago, introverted1 said:

This is absolutely a delusion.

This woman has a veritable parade of red flags. For her to change would involve significant insight on her part followed by therapy.  Nothing you've written suggests she is on this path.

As others have stated, it's natural/normal to be sad after a breakup.  What are you doing to take care of yourself?  Spend time with friends, start or ramp up your workout routine, learn to cook healthier meals, take up a new hobby.  Find things to focus on other than your wish that she had been different.  You cannot change the past nor who she is.  The only person you control is you. Be thankful you discovered who she is before you tied yourself to her either through marriage or a child. 

I feel it’s a shame as I have been able to have more reasonable discussions with strangers on this forum than my current ex. The first 5/6 months was great and it feel like we had a bond. No arguments etc. wanting kids together seemed impulsive but it was in the context of a whirlwind romance. Then it wasn’t the arguments, it was the reluctance on her part to fix anything, which suggests she started the arguments for no reason. For example, before Xmas, she asked me 20 questions from instagram and then asked me what my plans were for Xmas. All I said was I plan to go home maybe a couple of days either side of Xmas to visit family and friends. She burst out crying, said I didn’t prioritize her or think about her in my plans and left my house and wouldn’t listen to reason. I explained to her that wasn’t the case, it was only December 9 and we could make our own plans. I apologized if there was a misunderstanding. She didn’t accept it and went home and said she is glad the ‘big things’ are coming out now. Next morning I get a text saying maybe we should take some time apart and consider if we are ready for a committed relationship! All because I said I may go home either side of Xmas. I’m someone who always wants to fix things and I don’t have malice towards partners if I feel it’s just a misunderstanding. She said festive period is an important time for her due to bereavement when she knew it’s exactly the same for me, but she didn’t care. 
 

This is someone who wanted to move in and have kids with me, but shown she would make up an argument out of no reason and even if she felt it was valid, wouldn’t accept reason. 
 

Im now finding it hard to both move on mentally from the confusion of the relationship and the disappointment. I’m currently away with friends and they are all partnered up etc and it’s probably compounding it. 

[Els]

9 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

If she wasn’t happy with me, why did she want to move in anyway? 
 

Because she wanted a baby daddy and you were the closest option... But I think you know that already.  

10 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

 I cannot confirm how I would be in terms of household chores if I have kids

I really feel like you need to at least get used to doing your own household chores by yourself before you even consider having kids, unless you're making $200k+/year and are willing to spend it all. Lots of guys have no idea how much extra work having kids involves, and society doesn't tell them until they're right in the thick of it. For an average couple who spends 10 hours a week on household chores, having kids triples that. For you, who does almost nothing, it's essentially an infinite increase...

15 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Im not trying to be the victim etc or say I’m perfect but I’m slowly starting to realize, with some people there is nothing you can do to make them happy

Yeah, unfortunately this is very much the case. 

 

[Lamron300]

20 hours ago, Els said:

Because she wanted a baby daddy and you were the closest option... But I think you know that already.  

I really feel like you need to at least get used to doing your own household chores by yourself before you even consider having kids, unless you're making $200k+/year and are willing to spend it all. Lots of guys have no idea how much extra work having kids involves, and society doesn't tell them until they're right in the thick of it. For an average couple who spends 10 hours a week on household chores, having kids triples that. For you, who does almost nothing, it's essentially an infinite increase...

Yeah, unfortunately this is very much the case. 

 

Yes and I don’t want to be a baby daddy. I don’t know why she is so willing and almost forceful about having kids saying ‘let’s make a concerted effort to try and by may if I’m not pregnant let’s get testing done, I’m old I need a plan’. She said I didn’t show any commitment apart from having unprotected sex with her and I don’t know what other commitment I was supposed to show at that stage?! I’m guessing she means letting her move in. This is how she manipulates, for example, she said to me at around 4/5 months of dating her colleague said ahh you’ve been together for 4/5 months and you haven’t moved in together?? Like it is standard or normal to move in together that quick. I am tired of people wanting to move in with me, it only benefits them. If they say let’s get a place TOGETHER that’s totally different and would actually mean something to me.

I am torturing myself thinking about how things could be different and she probably doesn’t even care one bit, so don’t know why I’m losing sleep.

[Lamron300]

She messaged me last night (after unblocking me, which was pathetic blocking me in the first place) to say that could I kindly return the frying pan she gave me which is sentimental to her, she said I can leave it in my porch and we don’t have to see each other. She said she doesn’t care about the other stuff which has gone on. 
 

I was in a period of quiet acceptance and trying to move on and now I feel even worse. The tone of the text, the fact she blocked me for no good reason in the first place. The fact that things have come to this. I don’t know what to respond, I don’t really want to think about this at the moment and when she gave me the frying pan, I never used it ever as I knew this would happen. It was her brothers frying pan and I said at the time not to give it to me. 
 

Not sure how to respond. Her message wasn’t even conciliatory it says : Good evening, I’m sorry to message but I was wondering if it’s possible to get the pan. I’m hoping you understand the importance of it, I don’t mind getting it whenever suits you it can be left on the porch and we don’t need to see each other. I’m really not bothered about what’s gone on or anything else.

 

[introverted1]

She sounds delusional, to put it frankly. Her odds of conceiving naturally at age 40 are under 5% in any given cycle and then, if she does conceive, the odds of a miscarriage are 40%. While it's not impossible for her to conceive a healthy baby, the odds are overwhelmingly not in her favor.  My guess is that her comment that you did not show enough commitment had to do with whether you were willing to pony up the money for IVF, which is quite expensive (and no guarantee). 

As for the frying pan, I am struggling to understand how this can be a sentimental item.  It seems more likely that she is trying to engage you, whether that's so she can have another senseless argument or try to win you back.  She likely understands that she is pretty much out of time on the baby-making front and sees you as her best shot at success.  So leave the thing on the porch or in another location where you do not have to see her and then block her yourself so you do not get more contrived messages in the future. 

[Sanch62]

I'd just leave it on the porch on my way to work, text her that it's out there, then block her.

If it's still there when I get home, I'd go run some errands and hope she picks it up before I return.

[Els]

My question to you is why have you not blocked her? 

No contact is the fastest path to recovery. You prolonged the non-relationship unnecessarily before this, and now you're prolonging your pain unnecessarily. 

Leave the pan on the porch, tell her that, and then block her. 

Or frankly just block her.

Edited Monday at 10:24 PM by Els

[FredEire]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

She messaged me last night (after unblocking me, which was pathetic blocking me in the first place) to say that could I kindly return the frying pan she gave me which is sentimental to her, she said I can leave it in my porch and we don’t have to see each other. She said she doesn’t care about the other stuff which has gone on. 
 

I was in a period of quiet acceptance and trying to move on and now I feel even worse. The tone of the text, the fact she blocked me for no good reason in the first place. The fact that things have come to this. I don’t know what to respond, I don’t really want to think about this at the moment and when she gave me the frying pan, I never used it ever as I knew this would happen. It was her brothers frying pan and I said at the time not to give it to me. 
 

Not sure how to respond. Her message wasn’t even conciliatory it says : Good evening, I’m sorry to message but I was wondering if it’s possible to get the pan. I’m hoping you understand the importance of it, I don’t mind getting it whenever suits you it can be left on the porch and we don’t need to see each other. I’m really not bothered about what’s gone on or anything else.

 

Have you never gone through a breakup before? Its quite normal and even healthy for people to block their ex on social media.

And as for the tone I dont know what you are expecting. It shouldn't be conciliatory, or you will go round in circles again. Polite and detached is the appropriate tone.

Just drop off the frying pan and don't put any further thought into it.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, FredEire said:

And as for the tone I dont know what you are expecting. It shouldn't be conciliatory, or you will go round in circles again. Polite and detached is the appropriate tone.

I agree with this. 

I get that it feels cold, OP; but the relationship is over. Anything other than the one she used would likely have given you false hope when she's probably already working on lining up her next potential sperm donor. 

[Lamron300]

8 hours ago, FredEire said:

Have you never gone through a breakup before? Its quite normal and even healthy for people to block their ex on social media.

And as for the tone I dont know what you are expecting. It shouldn't be conciliatory, or you will go round in circles again. Polite and detached is the appropriate tone.

Just drop off the frying pan and don't put any further thought into it.

It wasn’t like the normal blocking of an ex which is inportant and makes sense. 
 

This is how the breakup happened. I felt a rift between us, maybe because of all these petty arguments, maybe because of her having travelled in November and December. I said to her the day before the breakup, let’s chill after work. She does night shift sometimes and finished at 9/10pm. By this time my eyes were so dry and sore and huge storm. I said is it ok if I come another day? We were due to see each other on the Wednesday anyway. She said she is disappointed and my words don’t match my actions and I don’t respect her time (she was at home in bed anyway! What did she want me to do, crash my car?) she didn’t say goodnight. Next morning she sent me some random instagram reels about stuff like the caregiver wanting to be taken care of sometimes and other dumb relationship stuff. I ignored it and just spoke normally and asked how she slept, etc and if still wanted to see the same movie on Wednesday. She was being passive aggressive and not asking me questions in return and no longer putting kisses after her messages like usual. I asked if she is still mad at me? She said disappointed and then when I explained myself like a normal human being would accept, she was like ‘I can’t see how we can move forward, this isn’t working’ I then got annoyed and said if I didn’t want to see you, I wouldn’t have asked to in first place, it was very late and I wasn’t feeling great etc. didn’t want to accept what I was saying and said things were done. I said she is a narcissist (same thing as her friend called her) as she never ever cares about my stuff and sees everything as an ‘excuse’.

 

I tried calling her to speak like adults, she didn’t pick up ten times in a row. Then when she finally did and I then tried to reason and explain she hung up on me and said I don’t care what you have to say, it’s done blah blah. I tried to make contact again, but she wouldn’t pick up.
 

Next morning I see she had either blocked me or deleted my number again. I stopped contacting her. Then on Sunday night, out of the blue she sends me that shitty message about the pan. 

Edited 21 hours ago by Lamron300

[Lamron300]

14 hours ago, introverted1 said:

She sounds delusional, to put it frankly. Her odds of conceiving naturally at age 40 are under 5% in any given cycle and then, if she does conceive, the odds of a miscarriage are 40%. While it's not impossible for her to conceive a healthy baby, the odds are overwhelmingly not in her favor.  My guess is that her comment that you did not show enough commitment had to do with whether you were willing to pony up the money for IVF, which is quite expensive (and no guarantee). 

As for the frying pan, I am struggling to understand how this can be a sentimental item.  It seems more likely that she is trying to engage you, whether that's so she can have another senseless argument or try to win you back.  She likely understands that she is pretty much out of time on the baby-making front and sees you as her best shot at success.  So leave the thing on the porch or in another location where you do not have to see her and then block her yourself so you do not get more contrived messages in the future. 

The whole thing is stressing me out to the point I can’t think straight. On one hand I think, look how many complaints I have about her, surely this is a sign the relationship wasn’t good. Then on the other hand I think of the first 5/6 months which were flawless almost.

The way she scrambles my brain is by her inconsistency. When we first started talking about kids after 3/4 months, she said she doesn’t really want to do IVF because if she wasn’t mean to have kids, then that’s what was ordained. Then few months later it is let’s try to conceive naturally up till May, if not pregnant by then, let’s get investigations. She doesn’t have any savings or money so I suspect that means I should pay for the IVF. When she talks about me not showing commitment apart from unprotected sex with her, she is most definitely meaning because I haven’t asked her to move in or gone ahead with investigations.  This isn’t even rational. What is in it for me? 

 Few weeks ago she said don’t worry we have all the time in the world I’ve accepted you want to take time, I questioned that because it isn’t logically or biologically accurate, then she flipped again to this low key sort of pressure. When she would start an argument she would say I’m 40, I don’t want to waste time, then I’ll get annoyed as I’ve known her for 8 months of those 40 years, wasting time can only refer to biologically, which again, has nothing to do with me. Even now we have broken up, by time she finds someone else and they feel comfortable to have kids with her; it may be too late. 
 

She would emphasize early on how independent she is and how she likes living alone, then for the last couple of months of relationship she was bringing up moving in with me, almost daily. Not out of positive emotion, but most likely due to financial pressure as she is in debt and has been for years.  

I feel deceived. The relationship felt at first like, it would be nice to have kids and try for kids but there is a possibility it can’t happen and that’s an acceptance. It quickly felt like it became a pressure situation and I saw how she turned against me for no reason on nearly every occasion. 

I’ve gone from the very upset, to confused, to angry, now upset and angry. 

[Lamron300]

13 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

I'd just leave it on the porch on my way to work, text her that it's out there, then block her.

If it's still there when I get home, I'd go run some errands and hope she picks it up before I return.

I don’t think I’m mentally ready to engage with her at all. She has some of my stuff, which I now don’t care about and I have more than just her pan. I have pyjamma bottoms her mum got her for Xmas. Like, where does it end? Could be more stuff she’s left here etc. This is why I don’t understand why even if we were going to break up, she didn’t speak to me on the phone like an adult. She just hung up and refused to answer calls etc. I don’t genuinely believe she thinks her life is better without me or she now has a better chance of getting what she wants in life, because she has always acted this way. First minor argument back in September, which was misunderstanding about not coming to see her when she had a cold, she deleted my number straight away. There was no abuse, no raised voice, nothing bad said. She said I gave her the silent treatment ( I didn’t it was the day I started this thread and needed advice)

 

The problem with communicating with her is I feel tempted to rationalize things or think about the ‘old times’. I was shocked by her message to be honest with you. The whole argument which started the breakup was ridiculous and I didn’t really have anger towards her till a few days ago when I realized all the things she’s done against me. Dating shouldn’t be this stressful. I don’t know anyone who just argues for no reason and doesn’t accept logic. Things got bad in December when she kept insisting I didn’t show up for her as I didn’t plan anything with her for Xmas, which wasn’t true. She would then drop it and act like things were okay, then when she went away with her family for new year, turned against me again, for no reason. Even because I wished her happy NY 30 mins early. 
 

And apart from the frying pan, she probably doesn’t even care about the fact I was lucky I didn’t have to pay cancellation fee for the holiday I booked for us on Jan 28. She doesn’t know that. She would have been okay leaving me in that predicament where I had wasted £820 ($1200). She was the one who picked the dates of the holiday and suggested the holiday and didn’t offer to pay towards it. When she brought up the false argument about me not spending time with her over the festive period, I would bring up the fact it isn’t true plus we have a trip booked for January and she would just dismiss that. Nothing is ever enough for her. 

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

 On one hand I think, look how many complaints I have about her, surely this is a sign the relationship wasn’t good. Then on the other hand I think of the first 5/6 months which were flawless almost.

Oh my goodness, why are you STILL saying this?  It doesn't matter that the first 6 months were good.  Lots of relationships are good in the first 6 months, before things fall apart and the cracks appear.  The first 6 months are called the honeymoon period for a reason and they are not an accurate representation at all of what the long term would look like with a person.  You already know that the relationship was most definitely not good, and all the serious problems that came out after that honeymoon period was over.

[introverted1]

What will it take for you to see her behavior is dysfunctional and dishonest?  Not to mention financially and emotionally unstable! Sure the first 5/6 months were good because she thought she had a willing and pliant "victim" for her pregnancy (and likely financial) plans. You dared to interject some good sense into the situation and she devolved. You should see yourself as very lucky that you are not emotionally or financially obligated to this woman for the next 18 years!  You can be sure that, had she succeeded in getting pregnant, she'd have made your life a living hell.

Again, what are you doing to move on? The more energy you give her, the longer your healing will take.  Yes, some thoughts are unbidden, but you can choose to put your focus elsewhere. Take up a new hobby, get into the gym, volunteer at a shelter (human or animal), take a course in something you've always been curious about. And BLOCK HER. Do something productive other than ruminating about why this woman isn't who she isn't.  It makes no more sense to wonder why she's not who you want her to be than to wonder why the earth isn't a square. Stop feeding your unhappy thoughts. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

Again, what are you doing to move on? The more energy you give her, the longer your healing will take.  Yes, some thoughts are unbidden, but you can choose to put your focus elsewhere. 

I agree.  OP, you are ruminating about the same things over and over and over, repeating every detail of the relationship and of her behavior.  You're stuck in a loop.  There's nothing left to analyze here.  At a certain point it's on you to make a CHOICE to move on.

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

It wasn’t like the normal blocking of an ex which is inportant and makes sense. 
 

This is how the breakup happened. I felt a rift between us, maybe because of all these petty arguments, maybe because of her having travelled in November and December. I said to her the day before the breakup, let’s chill after work. She does night shift sometimes and finished at 9/10pm. By this time my eyes were so dry and sore and huge storm. I said is it ok if I come another day? We were due to see each other on the Wednesday anyway. She said she is disappointed and my words don’t match my actions and I don’t respect her time (she was at home in bed anyway! What did she want me to do, crash my car?) she didn’t say goodnight. Next morning she sent me some random instagram reels about stuff like the caregiver wanting to be taken care of sometimes and other dumb relationship stuff. I ignored it and just spoke normally and asked how she slept, etc and if still wanted to see the same movie on Wednesday. She was being passive aggressive and not asking me questions in return and no longer putting kisses after her messages like usual. I asked if she is still mad at me? She said disappointed and then when I explained myself like a normal human being would accept, she was like ‘I can’t see how we can move forward, this isn’t working’ I then got annoyed and said if I didn’t want to see you, I wouldn’t have asked to in first place, it was very late and I wasn’t feeling great etc. didn’t want to accept what I was saying and said things were done. I said she is a narcissist (same thing as her friend called her) as she never ever cares about my stuff and sees everything as an ‘excuse’.

 

I tried calling her to speak like adults, she didn’t pick up ten times in a row. Then when she finally did and I then tried to reason and explain she hung up on me and said I don’t care what you have to say, it’s done blah blah. I tried to make contact again, but she wouldn’t pick up.
 

Next morning I see she had either blocked me or deleted my number again. I stopped contacting her. Then on Sunday night, out of the blue she sends me that shitty message about the pan. 

Again, this is normal. I think you are just qualifying it because it wasn't what you envisaged, a calm sit down in a coffee shop where you hash out all your problems and decide to break up. Breakups are often messy like this because there's lots of strong feelings involved.

I know because I've been there. Me and my ex broke up twice, the first time was after our first holiday together where loads of unresolved stuff popped up, we had a big argument as soon as we got home, she suddenly said "maybe we're just not meant to be together", burst out into floods of tears and told me to leave.

The next few days my head was so full of doubts and unresolved questions, I missed her and ended up reaching out and we got back together.

Then when the same problems came back, and twice as intense this time, I resolved to break up again, but "properly" this time. We met and sat down for over an hour and talked. It was about as clean a breakup as you could ask for and we did some silly stuff like agree to stay friends etc (which rarely ever actually happens unless you were already friends before dsting).

And guess what? The second time ended up even more painful than the first, I still had so many unanswered questions, it still felt unresolved, despite the fact it wasn't so abrupt second time round. It didn't help at all.

All thats to say breakups are just messy and emotional by nature. They suck. You're not special or unique in that sense and there is nothing to work out here, other than just feeling like s*** for a while, accepting you feel that way and slowly moving on with your life when you are ready. Looking for answers you are never going to have only serves to drag out the process and eat into time you could spend furthering your life and improving things which are more relevant to yourself. Any answers you could have don't really matter as she is not in your life anymore anyway, it's done and it has good reasons for being done, there's nothing you could say or do to make her the right person for you.

Sorry if this sounds a bit hard but I say all this because throughout your postings in here I get the feeling that we have a lot in common, so I share my experiences in the hope it will help you. The one common theme I see is a need for control, a need to make things fit in the way you see as "right", but I think this is the very thing that's keeping you trapped. You have to work on accepting that sometimes the pieces just don't fit, there is absolutely nothing you can do and you have no control over it, and that's ok. All you can control is your own actions and your own nervous system, and try to make better choices.

I think you deserve to give yourself credit for trying to build something with her, but knowing when something is done and accepting it's done is important. All you need to do from here is reflect on what lessons she taught you.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

The one common theme I see is a need for control, a need to make things fit in the way you see as "right", but I think this is the very thing that's keeping you trapped.

This.

I can’t stress enough how important this is.

I have a similar character. I can’t stand it when things appear to make no sense, when other people behave in a way that seems irrational and illogical to me. I’ve always craved for clarity, closure, certainty, security, constancy, transparency. 

In the end, it truly is about control. We hope to shape the world and the people around us according to our wishes. Life keeps shattering those hopes. We must learn to accept things we can’t change, no matter how hard it is.

[Sanch62]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I don’t think I’m mentally ready to engage with her at all.

Then don't. Put the pan on the porch and block her. Or just box it up and drop it at the post office.

Let us know when it's done, and maybe we can help you from there.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

This.

I can’t stress enough how important this is.

I have a similar character. I can’t stand it when things appear to make no sense, when other people behave in a way that seems irrational and illogical to me. I’ve always craved for clarity, closure, certainty, security, constancy, transparency. 

In the end, it truly is about control. We hope to shape the world and the people around us according to our wishes. Life keeps shattering those hopes. We must learn to accept things we can’t change, no matter how hard it is.

Yep.

Its something Ive done a lot of reflecting on in the last few years. Ive come to believe that people are misled to think that you just need a "positive mindset". But you see many people on the other end of the spectrum who are overly jolly, telling everyone around them to cheer up if they're looking the least bit sad or down. Those people are struggling as well but in a different way.

If you are analytical, somewhat rigid and prone to negative judgements you are not going to change yhe nature of your wiring, but you can stop taking your catastrophic thoughts less seriously and recognise they are probably not a good reflection of reality.

Rather than the whole happy clappy mindset rubbish the real aim should be non-judgement. Accept all your feelings, if you feel s*** sit with it but dont let it lead to sweeping conclusions about you. your future or life/people as a whole.

Then the next step is action. Go after what you want, but don't accept anything that leaves you short-changed. And I think in fairness OP has done this by giving this relationship a go, that deserves credit. You see so many posts on here along the lines of "I'm a 40 y/o virgin who never leaves the house and plays video games all day, how do I meet the love of my life?", and they've pretty much answered their own question because nothing happens if you don't act.

I think where you're falling down, OP, is that you're too stuck on your vision for anyone to really fit it at the moment, and when you meet someone who very obviously doesn't fit like your ex you try to mould the situation rather than quickly accepting this one didn't work and nothing could be done. By getting more comfortable with life's flow and all the uncomfortable randomness it brings, you can free yourself up to find where you actually need to be. In other words throw the whole life vision out the window, relinquish the need for control and do more active observing rather than judging based on your pre-set criteria, both of yourself and others.