What should I Do? I wanted kids and marriage with her now I need to think carefully

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I’m now obsessing over her motives. I refuse to believe all the arguments she started were for the reasons she said. 

She started those arguments because she was unhappy in the relationship.

She wanted kids ASAP and didn’t care for marriage. You wanted marriage and didn’t want to have kids ASAP. For both of you, these incompatible goals became a deal breaker, so you broke up. 

There is nothing left to obsess over. There is no mystery. She’s 40, she was in a hurry to have kids, you weren’t. Nobody is wrong here, it’s just incompatibility. A normal thing that happens all the time. Move on and try not to overthink simple things.

[Els]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

At the time I didn’t read too much into the marriage thing. She would say a lot of different versions, only after a while I understood she didn’t want to get married. We had a phone conversation where I had said can we get married in Nigeria one day (as a joke) and she was like we aren’t the same Christian domination and we need to figure out stuff like moral compass and what each others family are like etc etc, any excuse under the sun. Where having kids applied to that stuff too! She would then confuse me the next time by saying she is against marriage and isn’t saying no. And like I’ve said, I didn’t have a timeline on marriage but I didn’t want to have kids first then marriage. One time she said ‘I’ve had a bad experience with marriage’ 

I’m upset but it’s on different levels and working for myself it’s a bit of a disaster as I can’t focus atm. I think it’s mostly because of the effort put in, the way it’s ended and what I’ve taken from it. I don’t like surface level things and I’m not looking forward to getting to know people again, trying to suss out their attentions, potentially dealing with past issues. I know any relationship you have to work on but I’m realizing there is a limited window even though there is millions of people in the world. I’m pretty sure her past experiences meant that the likelihood of things working out between us were slim. 
 

I’m now obsessing over her motives. I refuse to believe all the arguments she started were for the reasons she said. 

I understand that it's upsetting, but respectfully, obsessing over her motives isn't going to help you one bit. What's done is done, and fortunately you're able to leave it with your only "loss" being less than a year of relationship time. 

Imagine if you had actually gotten her pregnant? Then you would be in the same situation as you are now but with 18 years of having to pay child support and possibly co-parenting with a woman whom you're not married to! 

You were pretty lucky IMO. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but it could have been so much worse.

Edited 10 hours ago by Els

[Lamron300]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

So she said "I'm leaving the relationship because I've never said I don't want to marry you" as a break up?  That's very odd.

To be honest, your approach of taking your time and gauging compatibility for a future wedding is great for if you're dating a woman who's, say 25-33.   But as ex is about 40, she simply doesn't have the time to wait for an undisclosed date because of her fading fertility.  Are you aware how much fertility is dropping by this age?   That's not to say that you should have rushed in and married her.....but rather, if you're going to date a 40yo who wants babies, you need to do things a whole lot quicker.   And if your timeline and a woman's fertility aren't a match, you should move on.

Your assumption may well be wrong.   I've got exactly the same story as your ex and, like her, found that marriage was a piece of paper to get in and a piece of paper to get out.

I moved on after that relationship and met my partner and father of our children in 1992 and we are still together.  We couldn't agree on what type of wedding to have and it wasn't important to us anyway, plus my country has legal recognition of defacto relationships so we skipped it.  Anyone who thinks that I didn't marry because he was the wrong person would be very wrong.

Someone can be in love and also start a heap of arguments.   It's not may way of doing things because I like a calm relationship....and I would have broken up with your ex just a few months in, but having a fiery temper as well as love are how some people do relationships.  

I think that a lot of what went wrong here is that the two of you don't understand how each other thinks and then you both go on to make assumptions about the other.

But that isn’t why we broke up. We were actively trying for kids from September to like November. I bought her an apple watch just to take her temperature. But then the silly arguments would happen and then obviously sex is the last thing on mind. Her favorite buzz words would be ‘ this isn’t healthy or showing up for me’ like I said the not spending Christmas wiith her even though I did and NY (she was the one away with her family) is the nail in coffin or drum she kept beating. Expensive holiday booked for end of January (which I paid for) doesn’t matter to her, heartfelt and expensive Christmas presents doesn’t matter to her. We literally went to a cinema where you can order gourmet food the day before she went away with her family for NY and then everything was ‘fine’ and then days later  it is not normal to say you are upset and don’t feel prioritized because I wished you a happy NY 30 minutes earlier. 

She is just full of contradictions as when we first started talking about kids, she said to me she doesn’t want IVF as if god doesn’t want her to have kids naturally it is what it is. Then months later, she said to me if we haven’t got pregnant by may 2026 let’s start IVF investigations (which obviously I would have to pay for). 

The final argument happened on Monday. I hadn’t seen her the whole weekend as she was away or working, we were booked in to see each other on Wednesday but I thought it would be good to catch up before. She got home at 9pm for work. I said my eyes are really sore now and the storm is very bad, is it ok if I see you another day. She got very angry and said my words don’t match my action etc and she’s disappointed and don’t message I want to see her then don’t turn up. I explained that it would be dangerous to drive in that state and if I didn’t want to see her I wouldn’t have brought it up. 
 

Next day we start talking on WhatsApp and after a while I could see she was being passive aggressive not outing kisses at end of messages as we usually do or giving me short answers to my questions. I then asked if she is mad at me and she then finally admitted she’s disappointed by me not turning up. I then explain myself again and she was like this isn’t working not sure how this can move forward. 
 

So the whole breakdown starting from Xmas wasn’t actually to do with kids. 

[Lamron300]

6 hours ago, Els said:

I understand that it's upsetting, but respectfully, obsessing over her motives isn't going to help you one bit. What's done is done, and fortunately you're able to leave it with your only "loss" being less than a year of relationship time. 

Imagine if you had actually gotten her pregnant? Then you would be in the same situation as you are now but with 18 years of having to pay child support and possibly co-parenting with a woman whom you're not married to! 

You were pretty lucky IMO. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but it could have been so much worse.

Yes, but we didn’t break up because of the marriage/kids thing it is because of the pointless arguments she kept bringing up. Like me saying happy new year at 11.30pm instead of midnight being a huge problem. She also kept saying crudely, what commitment have you shown to me apart from cumming inside me? Like what other commitment am I supposed to show after 8 months? She’s the one who didn’t want to get married but wanted to move into my house and have kids…

[Lamron300]

9 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

She started those arguments because she was unhappy in the relationship.

She wanted kids ASAP and didn’t care for marriage. You wanted marriage and didn’t want to have kids ASAP. For both of you, these incompatible goals became a deal breaker, so you broke up. 

There is nothing left to obsess over. There is no mystery. She’s 40, she was in a hurry to have kids, you weren’t. Nobody is wrong here, it’s just incompatibility. A normal thing that happens all the time. Move on and try not to overthink simple things.

Also, she is already 40. Doctor informed me before I did semen analysis that female fertility declines a lot after 35. She doesn’t have money to do IVF, so what she is going to try find a random guy and trap him? Her wanting kids couldn’t be biologically fast forwarded by me. We were trying and having sex for months then the arguments cropped up. One time I didn’t get very errect no idea why and she then asked if I even fancy her. Everything is always my fault! She left me in a hole for the holiday I booked, luckily air b n b have let me cancel it!