What should I Do? I wanted kids and marriage with her now I need to think carefully

[Acacia98]

On 1/2/2026 at 2:06 AM, Lamron300 said:

I’m tired of women wanting me for their very narrow reasons. I’m tired of people convincing me things I want which are rational are irrational because of their own experience. 

You can't control what other people think about you or want from you. But you can control whether you give them the time of day.

It sounds like you're setting yourself up to fail by just going with the flow and dating whoever and then getting surprised when they turn out to be complex human beings who are selfish, dishonest, manipulative, etc. 

You need to start out with a better set of criteria so that you don't end up dating women who are likely to be incompatible with you (For instance, don't date women in their forties as they're likely to be watching their biological clock keenly and may want to have kids sooner than you are ready to. Another example: You already know that marriage matters to you, so don't date women who are not interested in marriage.)

Also, give yourself more time to get to know the people you're dating so that you can determine whether you're on the same page. Most people are on their best behavior for the first 3-6 months. So you might not get a sense of what they're really like until you have known them for at least one year. If it turns out you're not on the same page, then you should end the relationship instead of extending it indefinitely. Please, please don't start planning to marry or move in unless you have gotten to know a woman very well over the course of at least one year. Some people are exceptional and will "just know" that someone's right for them after a few weeks. Remember: Those are the exception. So don't assume you can have the same experience.

You already have all the information you need to fix your problem (if you want to fix it).

[basil67]

@Lamron300 Can I flip your narrative so that you think of her?   She's a 40 yo (or maybe 41 now) woman who knows she wants kids and doesn't have a moment to waste.   You on the other hand know you want love and marriage first and have a lot of time up your sleeve.   You also know that the two of you are incompatible in your wants.

When you started this thread back in Oct, you'd been with her for 6 months.  You're now 9 or 10 months in and are aware of this incompatibility, so why are you wasting her precious fertile years?  If you're not going to leave for your own sake, at least her go so that she can find a man who wants what she wants.  Or get donor sperm.  Or at the very minimum, tell her that you won't be fathering kids with her anytime soon

Edited Friday at 12:49 AM by basil67

[Lamron300]

On 1/5/2026 at 3:25 PM, Els said:

You're being awfully judgmental about "most people", aren't you?

Lots of people have happy and fulfilling relationships, because they look for partners who are compatible with what they want in a relationship. Unlike you, they don't cling to an incompatible, failing, bad relationship to their dying breath out of fear of not finding anyone ever again.

Every day that you spend in a bad relationship is a day that could be spent with someone else, or that could be spent working on yourself. Unfortunately you've spent a lot of days on this one, and you don't even seem to intend to stop.

That’s not the case. I’m 100% willing to end things but she keeps saying she does want what I want. I am not trying to make square pegs fit round holes. If someone said I don’t want marriage or I don’t want kids, that would be the end. But she keeps saying that she does want these things and sometimes will say something like I need to feel secure. Or she will say something that contradicts. It’s a case of do you believe her or not. 

[FredEire]

9 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

That’s not the case. I’m 100% willing to end things but she keeps saying she does want what I want. I am not trying to make square pegs fit round holes. If someone said I don’t want marriage or I don’t want kids, that would be the end. But she keeps saying that she does want these things and sometimes will say something like I need to feel secure. Or she will say something that contradicts. It’s a case of do you believe her or not. 

If people are putting conditions on things 9 times out of 10 they don't actually want those things.

It's a bit like where people are dating and someone says "I don't want to rush it, I'm not ready to commit". Almost always what they really mean is they're just not into it.

Usually if it's not a hell yes it's a hell no, otherwise people just get coerced into things they half want and it breeds resentment down the line.

[Lamron300]

18 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

You can't control what other people think about you or want from you. But you can control whether you give them the time of day.

It sounds like you're setting yourself up to fail by just going with the flow and dating whoever and then getting surprised when they turn out to be complex human beings who are selfish, dishonest, manipulative, etc. 

You need to start out with a better set of criteria so that you don't end up dating women who are likely to be incompatible with you (For instance, don't date women in their forties as they're likely to be watching their biological clock keenly and may want to have kids sooner than you are ready to. Another example: You already know that marriage matters to you, so don't date women who are not interested in marriage.)

Also, give yourself more time to get to know the people you're dating so that you can determine whether you're on the same page. Most people are on their best behavior for the first 3-6 months. So you might not get a sense of what they're really like until you have known them for at least one year. If it turns out you're not on the same page, then you should end the relationship instead of extending it indefinitely. Please, please don't start planning to marry or move in unless you have gotten to know a woman very well over the course of at least one year. Some people are exceptional and will "just know" that someone's right for them after a few weeks. Remember: Those are the exception. So don't assume you can have the same experience.

You already have all the information you need to fix your problem (if you want to fix it).

But where I get stuck is people are not honest with me with their intentions. I met my ex gf when I was 26/27 and she was 32. I didn’t raise the subject of kids/marriage as I am a laidback person. I thought there would be a natural point when you start talking or considering those things. I don’t mind people assessing if I’m right for them and vice versa. However, she was so sly and disingenuous. For example, she had zero libido and sex was almost painful for her.  Only after around 2 years she came clean and said she only naturally gets horny like once a year. No judgement but she didn’t just say it like that, she would manipulate and say we can’t have sex because I didn’t wash the dishes or didn’t shower etc or any excuse. Then we never talked about kids directly but she said she hated kids and they’re noisy and expensive etc. Clearly when you combine the two she had some issues but didn’t want to tell me, which I deserve to know as it directly impacts me. 
 

My current gf when I initially raised marriage as a discussion would say stuff like ooh but it means you have to change your name and ahh would mean I wouldn’t qualify as a first time homebuyer anymore. Then now she will say she wants what I want etc. You don’t know what to believe. And I say when I say I want marriage I don’t mean this second, you have to feel it, endorse it and believe in it. I’m not putting a timescale on. But I don’t want to have kids first, as there isn’t any connection. You can accidentally knock someone up, it isn’t inherently romantic. 
 

If I do get the impression or vibe that things are beyond repair or reasoning, I will break it off. 

[Lamron300]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

@Lamron300 Can I flip your narrative so that you think of her?   She's a 40 yo (or maybe 41 now) woman who knows she wants kids and doesn't have a moment to waste.   You on the other hand know you want love and marriage first and have a lot of time up your sleeve.   You also know that the two of you are incompatible in your wants.

When you started this thread back in Oct, you'd been with her for 6 months.  You're now 9 or 10 months in and are aware of this incompatibility, so why are you wasting her precious fertile years?  If you're not going to leave for your own sake, at least her go so that she can find a man who wants what she wants.  Or get donor sperm.  Or at the very minimum, tell her that you won't be fathering kids with her anytime soon

@basil67 Because she doesn’t say she doesn’t want what I want. She makes out that she does. So I get confused internally like what is the issue? If we are in agreement of what we want, then all that is left is working towards it. But I have a feeling she doesn’t want what I want. She wants kids but not marriage. And where the bitterness comes in is she has been married before, just like when I dated women with kids. They wouldn’t be in a rush to do it again, hence I’m the one who doesn’t get what I want. 
 

She has said to me in the past, I want to make sure this isn’t a waste of time. I will dump her on the spot if she uses the phrase wasting time again. I explains to her, I’ve known her for 8 months out of her 40 years of life. So all those precious relationships or marriage etc or even single years weren’t a waste, but meeting me and having a standard relationship and working things out is? Her biological clock isn’t my problem. When we met, we didn’t meet to have kids etc and I was the one who mentioned it after 3/4 months. Because I didn’t want anything which could curtail the relationship down the line. 
 

if she wasn’t with me, except she is desperate and meets someone or tricks someone, it isn’t a guarantee she would have kids in her next relationship anyway. 
 

Im mature and have explained it isn’t a transactional relationship. I’m not saying I’ll have kids with you,  if you marry me or I’ll let you move in etc if you do xyz. I want things to develop organically and genuinely. 

[Lamron300]

17 minutes ago, FredEire said:

If people are putting conditions on things 9 times out of 10 they don't actually want those things.

It's a bit like where people are dating and someone says "I don't want to rush it, I'm not ready to commit". Almost always what they really mean is they're just not into it.

Usually if it's not a hell yes it's a hell no, otherwise people just get coerced into things they half want and it breeds resentment down the line.

I agree and I already said to her I don’t want to talk about these things like it’s a business transaction. I envisaged that if I ever got married, it would be a natural feeling and I’d get a vibe and then feel comfortable to propose. I only even brought it up in this relationship because the talk of kids. I don’t want to have kids with someone who will turn against me over a small argument or is so wrapped up in their own stuff etc. 

I thought everything was simple and first 5 months was great. I was on board with kids etc as everything felt right and I thought it would develop naturally into this blissful family life etc. I then realized nothing was worked out in terms of living situation, beliefs, if she was dismissive of my issues now, then when a baby is involved that would be another excuse. I know it seems like why are you with her if complaining, but it’s not that simple when she denies everything or has a reason for everything. 

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I agree and I already said to her I don’t want to talk about these things like it’s a business transaction. I envisaged that if I ever got married, it would be a natural feeling and I’d get a vibe and then feel comfortable to propose. I only even brought it up in this relationship because the talk of kids. I don’t want to have kids with someone who will turn against me over a small argument or is so wrapped up in their own stuff etc. 

I thought everything was simple and first 5 months was great. I was on board with kids etc as everything felt right and I thought it would develop naturally into this blissful family life etc. I then realized nothing was worked out in terms of living situation, beliefs, if she was dismissive of my issues now, then when a baby is involved that would be another excuse. I know it seems like why are you with her if complaining, but it’s not that simple when she denies everything or has a reason for everything. 

It seems like your read is probably accurate, so as everyone has been saying on here why are you still with her?

Of course she is going to tell a story, if it's not convincing you don't have to buy it. People don't often say exactly what they mean or want, half the time they don't even know themselves. But you sure as hell aren't going to fix that.

[basil67]

10 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

@basil67 Because she doesn’t say she doesn’t want what I want. She makes out that she does. So I get confused internally like what is the issue? If we are in agreement of what we want, then all that is left is working towards it. But I have a feeling she doesn’t want what I want. She wants kids but not marriage. And where the bitterness comes in is she has been married before, just like when I dated women with kids. They wouldn’t be in a rush to do it again, hence I’m the one who doesn’t get what I want. 
 

She has said to me in the past, I want to make sure this isn’t a waste of time. I will dump her on the spot if she uses the phrase wasting time again. I explains to her, I’ve known her for 8 months out of her 40 years of life. So all those precious relationships or marriage etc or even single years weren’t a waste, but meeting me and having a standard relationship and working things out is? Her biological clock isn’t my problem. When we met, we didn’t meet to have kids etc and I was the one who mentioned it after 3/4 months. Because I didn’t want anything which could curtail the relationship down the line. 
 

if she wasn’t with me, except she is desperate and meets someone or tricks someone, it isn’t a guarantee she would have kids in her next relationship anyway. 
 

Im mature and have explained it isn’t a transactional relationship. I’m not saying I’ll have kids with you,  if you marry me or I’ll let you move in etc if you do xyz. I want things to develop organically and genuinely. 

Her biological clock is basis all the issues in your relationship, so it's very much your problem.   She doesn't have the time to let things develop organically.....and honestly my last response to you could be summed up with "if you don't want what she wants, then don't waste her time"

Edited Friday at 09:44 PM by basil67

[Els]

On 1/9/2026 at 9:07 PM, Lamron300 said:

That’s not the case. I’m 100% willing to end things but she keeps saying she does want what I want. I am not trying to make square pegs fit round holes. If someone said I don’t want marriage or I don’t want kids, that would be the end. But she keeps saying that she does want these things and sometimes will say something like I need to feel secure. Or she will say something that contradicts. It’s a case of do you believe her or not. 

It's not a matter of whether you believe her or not. It's even possible that SHE believes herself, so she might not even be lying to you. People aren't always aware of what their subconscious mind is saying to them - but like @FredEire says, there's obviously something that is causing her to hesitate.

The issue here is just that there is no way that the two of you are compatible. Besides the fact that you two don't even seem to really like each other... she wants kids before getting married and you (understandably) don't, and you want to get married before having kids and she (understandably) doesn't. Waiting doesn't work for either of you because waiting will prevent her from having biological kids. Frankly the best solution here, if you two were to stay together, is probably her getting a sperm donor ASAP while you two give your relationship time to develop organically... but I suspect you aren't going to be too keen on that, so that's probably a "no" too.

At this point you've exhausted all possible options, so it's really best for both of you to break things off as soon as possible. Then she can get what she wants with a donor, and you can get what you want with another person.

Edited Saturday at 06:12 PM by Els

[Sanch62]

On 1/9/2026 at 6:21 AM, Lamron300 said:

If I do get the impression or vibe that things are beyond repair or reasoning, I will break it off. 

How many more times does she need to have unpredictable meltdowns and trash you over nothing in order for you to recognize "beyond repair or reasoning"?

Is a future tied to that behavior something you envision just because she was able to keep it under wraps while on her best behavior for a few months?

This woman turns you into an enemy on a dime out of the blue and for no 'real' reason beyond whatever she makes up in her head during a mood. Is that what you want to tie your future to, and is that who you want raising YOUR children?

Edited Saturday at 09:33 PM by Sanch62

[Lamron300]

On 1/10/2026 at 9:31 PM, Sanch62 said:

How many more times does she need to have unpredictable meltdowns and trash you over nothing in order for you to recognize "beyond repair or reasoning"?

Is a future tied to that behavior something you envision just because she was able to keep it under wraps while on her best behavior for a few months?

This woman turns you into an enemy on a dime out of the blue and for no 'real' reason beyond whatever she makes up in her head during a mood. Is that what you want to tie your future to, and is that who you want raising YOUR children?

We’ve now officially broken up and I feel awful. Not due to the break up itself as it’s probably for the best, but how I’ve been treated and how stressful it has been. 
 

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

We’ve now officially broken up and I feel awful. Not due to the break up itself as it’s probably for the best, but how I’ve been treated and how stressful it has been. 
 

Sorry to hear it, it is going to hurt but it's probably for the best.

A lot of breakups seem to happen in January, a season of new beginnings in a lot of ways.

Just my two cents but I think the way you approach dating in general is going to open you up to stressful situations, as you seem to view it as inherently stressful.

It shouldn't be that stressful, especially in the early stages, so if you find that connecting with someone brings so much stress so quickly its probably a big sign that it isn't for you.

Yes it's frustrating to keep running into the same thing, but it's probably a sign that your attitude is playing out the same old situations. That needs work before you start ending up in healthier (and also more fun and enjoyable!) relationships.

[Sanch62]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

We’ve now officially broken up and I feel awful. Not due to the break up itself as it’s probably for the best, but how I’ve been treated and how stressful it has been. 
 

I hear. The mistreatment and stress were your signals not to stay. Remaining in hope of things reverting to blissful early days is a hope for the other person to put their mask back on.

Even if they re-wear the mask again, it's temporary.

Misunderstandings can be worked out. Mistreatment cannot.

[Lamron300]

14 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

I hear. The mistreatment and stress were your signals not to stay. Remaining in hope of things reverting to blissful early days is a hope for the other person to put their mask back on.

Even if they re-wear the mask again, it's temporary.

Misunderstandings can be worked out. Mistreatment cannot.

I don’t know why I’m feeling so bummed out. I felt tempted to contact her and speak things through. As you’ve said, it would only be a temporary truce. I usually like to reflect on things, but I truly cannot see anything I did wrong. Our first minor argument in September she deleted my number (nothing rude was said by me, it was literally the day I started this thread for advice. The day she said ‘why do you always talk about work, why can’t we talk about nice things like baby names’ which wasn’t true at all and still I was talking about something critical with work. 
 

What I am struggling to get over is the fact she never cared at all. For example, I had a scare over Xmas which she knows as she was there (thought I was acutely unwell with a kidney issue, but turned out to be severe dehydration). I still spent 23/24 and morning of 25th December with her and she makes out I did spend any of the festive period with her and it’s me now showing up. She says this period is critical as she suffered a significant bereavement around this time, I told her from the start so did I. Yet she never takes anything I say into account and says oh you’re always sick or I don’t care about ‘excuses’. I feel more stressed than calm after this breakup. 

[Lamron300]

16 hours ago, FredEire said:

Sorry to hear it, it is going to hurt but it's probably for the best.

A lot of breakups seem to happen in January, a season of new beginnings in a lot of ways.

Just my two cents but I think the way you approach dating in general is going to open you up to stressful situations, as you seem to view it as inherently stressful.

It shouldn't be that stressful, especially in the early stages, so if you find that connecting with someone brings so much stress so quickly its probably a big sign that it isn't for you.

Yes it's frustrating to keep running into the same thing, but it's probably a sign that your attitude is playing out the same old situations. That needs work before you start ending up in healthier (and also more fun and enjoyable!) relationships.

What is stressing me out is usually there is two sides to a story but her side doesn’t make sense. She would fall out with me for basically even breathing. The first 6 months were blissful, so I’m thinking which one is the real her. 
 

You’re the same age as me, you know how stressful dating is. It’s not that I settled, I thought things were good at first and because the arguments were over little things, I thought they could be fixed. Although, they weren’t little as everything was poised negatively. For example, her flat she is renting she has to renew by August, and on one hand she was expressing dissatisfaction with me on many levels, another hand she will say I’m waiting for you to ask me to move in etc. So she basically wanted to move in and try for kids and even go down IVF route, however when it came to marriage (which I clarified I don’t mean right this second) she would have all sorts of excuses. 

A random thing happened recently where she would say ‘I don’t want to run two households’ I’m not going to come to yours and put your sofa cover back on or cook or do anything. I never asked her to do these things and when she did do them I thought it was out of affection. I felt very uncomfortable as I don’t ask anyone for anything, then for her to do stuff and then almost begrudgingly make a bizarre point about not doing that stuff. Something has definitely gone on with her. 

Im now at the worst point in my dating life. I don’t go around dating people in their 40s, I’ve dated people in their 20s and 30s. I date people I get along with. But I am juxtaposing this with another person I dated in her 40s, lovely woman, never had an argument but she said to me that she unlikely can have more biological kids at this age, but would be willing to adopt with me. Both situations are very different in terms of people’s attitude and I guess overall kindness, but still if I say I want kids and marriage and do the opposite or something which makes it unlikely or stressful I guess I am to blame. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

What is stressing me out is usually there is two sides to a story but her side doesn’t make sense. 

Aside from the two of you having completely incompatible plans for the order of babies/marriage, whats her side of the story?   

[Lamron300]

38 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Aside from the two of you having completely incompatible plans for the order of babies/marriage, whats her side of the story?   

Her side would be to say ‘I’ve never said I don’t want to get married to you’ although she has many times in a roundabout way. I explained to her it’s embarrassing as I’m not talking about getting married this second I just want to gauge if it’s something you believe in the future as I wouldn’t want to have kids and not get married. I naturally wouldn’t mention marriage, it’s something when you know you know and both people are comfy. She even referred to marriage as ‘just a piece of paper’ before. The fact she has been married before shows she hasn’t always believed that, and it’s just that she wouldn’t want to marry me. The only reason I even brought up marriage is because of kids and the things she would say. 
 

Usually you can go from a breakup as an adult but there is a lot of things I don’t understand. Like the arguments. She would say ‘ I love you very much’ then next day start a serious argument because I wished happy new year at 11.30 as I was in church instead of midnight. It makes me believe that she started a lot of fights in recent months to get rid of me. I know she has depression but I’m guessing there is more I will never know about her. 
 

Im now in a position I don’t really want anything surface level with someone as life is too short. But I’m seeing it is very very difficult to get to a point to even have the serious things in life (marriage kids).

The last time I dated before this, she was 23 and 31 I think it lasted 2 months. She wanted to be bf/gf after 3/4 dates and I was skeptical as didn’t know too well. She had a breakdown because she didn’t get a good grade on masters degree, ignored me for two days and then said she isn’t in the place to date anymore. 
 

Im not just picking anecdotes, I’m seeing that a lot of relationship stuff I’ve gone through is influenced by things even beyond my control. Everyone has different coping mechanisms/regrets etc. if my ex was 30 instead of 40, maybe some of her behaviors would have been different. She couldn’t see how things came across. She said in December, can we agree to try for a baby and if it hasn’t happened by may/june, let’s do investigations. But on the same hand, we are just bf/gf for a short time and no commitment has actually been shown to me. And as seen, my fear was right. This could be worse if she is pregnant as she would just leave with the kid. 
 

She has deleted my number again for attention. I’m just done. 

[introverted1]

I understand you are hurting but this woman is not stable enough to be a parent. Imagine a child getting caught up in her many moods, twisted words, and about-faces.  You're an adult and you are you left confused and hurting. You'll be ok in time.  A child would not be. 

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

If my ex was 30 instead of 40, maybe some of her behaviors would have been different. She couldn’t see how things came across. She said in December, can we agree to try for a baby and if it hasn’t happened by may/june, let’s do investigations. But on the same hand, we are just bf/gf for a short time and no commitment has actually been shown to me. And as seen, my fear was right. This could be worse if she is pregnant as she would just leave with the kid. 
 

She has deleted my number again for attention. I’m just done. 

I don't think her fundamental behavior would be different. She is clearly dishonest, i.e. she tells you what she thinks you want to hear even if it's not true. Secondly, she is dismissive and disrespectful of you: she doesn't seem to actually care what you think or feel. Thirdly, she seems to have difficulty accepting reality when it's at odds with what she wants. I don't think being younger would have changed these things about her.

[Sanch62]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

She has deleted my number again for attention. I’m just done. 

Oh, so this 'breakup' didn't come voluntarily from you. She's pulling her random drama, and like last time when you said you were done with her, you went running back to her only to hover there for months and complain about her to us.

I hope you'll skip the suffering and see the up side of this. If she's making you the bad guy no matter what you do, then you might as well use that your advantage and move yourself FORward instead of continuing to stagnate over this sick person.

Let's discuss what you want to move TOWARD.

[Lamron300]

2 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Oh, so this 'breakup' didn't come voluntarily from you. She's pulling her random drama, and like last time when you said you were done with her, you went running back to her only to hover there for months and complain about her to us.

I hope you'll skip the suffering and see the up side of this. If she's making you the bad guy no matter what you do, then you might as well use that your advantage and move yourself FORward instead of continuing to stagnate over this sick person.

Let's discuss what you want to move TOWARD.

The reason I’m in the state I’m in right now is I don’t know how to move forward. I didn’t see the incompatibility as she kept insisting she wanted the same things. Then I’ll think to myself, what is the issue? Let’s just focus on that. I would see stuff as misunderstandings so I would try to resolve arguments, but they weren’t. They were just drama. I’m not saying one side or the story to make her look bad, if there was anything I have said/done I would say it. Every argument has been pointless. Even without the arguments, recently  she said her aunt said it’s weird I don’t have her on social media (I literally have 5 posts in 10 years, last in 2015).  She could have added me anytime. Because she is just so sick, she then suggests it’s something weird or nefarious, when I just don’t use social media. Which I told her from day 1.

Anyway, what is stopping me from moving forward is trusting people. This is the second relationship someone has said that they want what I want when they don’t. I’m not someone to push for kids or marriage so when someone says they want these things, I take their word for it and just see how the relationship goes. I’ve now seen it’s a waste of time. Also, I’m tired of people choosing to do stuff like occasionally help tidy, clean or cook and then moan about it later on in the relationship when I never asked. I only want someone to do things they are happy to do! I know for a fact that the nonsense about the festive period isn’t why she started fighting me, when I’d say to her yeah it’s a shame we couldn’t spend NY together, but we have a trip booked end of January which cost me £820 ($1100) she would just dismiss it. I’m now going down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out her behavior/agenda. 
 

I’m just all over the place. Starting again in dating is necessary for most people, but I don’t really know what to take from this or how to act anymore. I put my best foot forward and still got nowhere.