What should I Do? I wanted kids and marriage with her now I need to think carefully

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

Can I explain my exact thinking? We met in May and everything was perfect

Well, you see, there’s the error in your thinking.

Nothing is perfect. Relationships, perhaps least of all. A good initial impression means very little in itself, it’s just a stepping stone towards the real thing.

 

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

My ex had nothing in common with me and hated kids, so she would say insane stuff like why do I want to buy a 3 bedroom house? Kids are expensive and annoying and loud (I never ever even mentioned having kids).

Why is that insane? That’s a valid opinion. And kids being expensive and at least occasionally loud and annoying is simply a fact.

 

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

It’s just so dreary now after this experience. 

Next time, don’t plan so much and don’t rush into things like you did. Your chances of success will be quite a bit higher.

[FredEire]

17 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I think people get married quickly all the time (3-6 months) and I think in my head I got complacent and thought everything would always be sunshine and rainbows. I’m someone that is very self reflective so when we started having arguments I would apportion the blame to myself in my head and try to make up. I later realised that her behaviour isn’t acceptable. Always having one foot out and expressing doubts but also saying ‘ I love you so much’ etc. 

it is a case of I want it to work (or wanted) more than it can work. If the relationship is over (which seems likely) it’s not like I want to have kids quickly or get married to the next person I meet. I just felt she was the right person at the time.

You're right that some people get into ill-informed marriages in a rush, why does that mean you should do it?

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Can I explain my exact thinking? We met in May and everything was perfect, felt chilled all the things I now question weren’t an issue then. She felt adaptable as she would come to my house a lot and it felt like she understood it’s because of the dogs. We only live 15 mins apart (never dated someone that lives that close) so going to hers wasn’t an issue. After maybe 3/4 months I mentioned in a jokey way about what she thinks about kids. I was tired of dating people with no actual end goals in sight. My ex had nothing in common with me and hated kids, so she would say insane stuff like why do I want to buy a 3 bedroom house? Kids are expensive and annoying and loud (I never ever even mentioned having kids). So when I met my current partner and we seemed to be on the same wavelength it was a breath of fresh air.

Fast forward 6 months and all the stupid arguments have been because of her. She said ‘why do you always talk about work, I can’t be your therapist in having issues of my own’ when I literally didn’t always talk about work I was talking about things that just happened and people trying to sue me for no reason. Then the whole she was sick and I expected her to come to me, which wasn’t the truth. She said she was coming to me after work at 9.30pm and then she didn’t even raise it, it came up in another ‘discussion’ that she actually would’ve liked me to say I should come to her, like I’m psychic.

Anyway recently I don’t know what is pushing it, she has been bringing up moving in together, frequently. This is a 360 from the beginning of the relationship where she said living apart is best. She also said let’s make a concerted  effort to get pregnant and if not by May/June let’s do investigations. This is the final straw. I feel disgraced that I’m the only one mentioning marriage and it’s word salad when I do. She would most likely completely change once the child is born. You may say I’m mad from the beginning, but if she wanted to get married first and consolidate things and then take a day at a time, this thread probably wouldn’t have happened. I don’t want to be like her in my 40s and regretting stuff and feeling to rush. What I’m trying to say, is what commitment should she show that I will feel comfortable or she would feel comfortable? Marriage can be broken, moving in together can be broken, relationship can be broken. There isn’t any guarantees so eventually when I do this stuff, it’s going to be a risk. 
 

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is looking past this now, I’m feeling very confused and fragile. I don’t want surface level relationships (ultimately a waste of time),  but I also can’t trust people again with this big stuff. I’m 32, and date within my age range, meaning whoever I meet this is an imminent discussion. It’s just so dreary now after this experience. 

 

You're 32 not 52. I think you need to relax a bit.

I'm the same age as you and I can take things too seriously as well, but I read your posts and it looks like the same frustrations even more ramped up.

It reads like a guy playing a game, frustrated that hes still only on level 3, panicking and trying to use cheat codes to rush to the end and say he's completed it.

You can't rush where you are in life. I think if you can have fun and take everything a bit less seriously (which starts with yourself rather than dating) and just enjoy the ride rather than seeing it as a catastrophy that you aren't "further ahead" in your own mind, things will then naturally start to take their course a bit more.

If you treat meeting your life partner as a chore rather than fun, thats what its going to feel like whenever you meet someone, as youve recently discovered.

Edited December 10, 2025 by FredEire

[Els]

On 12/9/2025 at 3:13 AM, Lamron300 said:

Because I can’t figure out why she is behaving like this. It felt like some great romance for 6 months. Then her actions are now illogical. I don’t want to think the bad things people have said in this thread, but I don’t really have any evidence to suggest they are wrong. 

It's called the honeymoon phase... it's really really common and most people figure this out in their 20s. It typically takes at least 6-12 months to find out who someone truly is... which is exactly why it's a bad idea to get married when you haven't even been together for a year, by the way. 

With all due respect, what exactly do you want from us? Your post has managed to elicit a unanimous response from this forum, which is actually quite a rare feat - we don't all usually agree to this extent, yet every single poster has said that you need to leave. But yet here you are, still with her, still presumably having unprotected sex with her...

What are you hoping that people will suggest? 

 

[Lamron300]

On 12/10/2025 at 12:07 PM, Gebidozo said:

Well, you see, there’s the error in your thinking.

Nothing is perfect. Relationships, perhaps least of all. A good initial impression means very little in itself, it’s just a stepping stone towards the real thing.

 

Why is that insane? That’s a valid opinion. And kids being expensive and at least occasionally loud and annoying is simply a fact.

 

Next time, don’t plan so much and don’t rush into things like you did. Your chances of success will be quite a bit higher.

Because it was my house and my money, so her opinion on what house I should buy is invalid (this is response to the question about my ex). I never said to her I struggled with money, and people with a lot less money have kids, so didn’t make sense. Anyway, she didn’t want kids and I never mentioned kids to her, she made those comments to make sure it never came up. I now will never date someone who doesn’t want kids as it wouldn’t work.

In terms of my current situation, she is now saying she is ‘okay to go at my pace’ and take things day by day. Not sure how genuine it is. But 

 

[Lamron300]

On 12/10/2025 at 3:05 PM, FredEire said:

You're 32 not 52. I think you need to relax a bit.

I'm the same age as you and I can take things too seriously as well, but I read your posts and it looks like the same frustrations even more ramped up.

It reads like a guy playing a game, frustrated that hes still only on level 3, panicking and trying to use cheat codes to rush to the end and say he's completed it.

You can't rush where you are in life. I think if you can have fun and take everything a bit less seriously (which starts with yourself rather than dating) and just enjoy the ride rather than seeing it as a catastrophy that you aren't "further ahead" in your own mind, things will then naturally start to take their course a bit more.

If you treat meeting your life partner as a chore rather than fun, thats what its going to feel like whenever you meet someone, as youve recently discovered.

I get the sentiment, I am just confused. I realized it isn’t hard meeting people, but meeting the right person. I do believe things are a waste of time, I don’t believe ‘everything happens for a reason’. I question myself, am I doing what is best for me? Is temporary pleasure worth it? Forget the kids talk, the relationship was good until I mentioned it. Then it seemed like it actually caused more issues than not. 
 

My big issue is I’m tired of superficial stuff. When I was younger my aim on dating apps was just to get out there, meet women, and it’s a ‘numbers game’. Now, as with anyone, I see life isn’t a game and you don’t have unlimited time. I’m not talking about rushing, but about focusing. 
 

Last year, I got into numerous ‘situationships’ there wasn’t a steady base and I didn’t know much about these people. It ended up intimate but with no actual deep connection. I would rather not have had those situations, because they weren’t dressed as casual relationships. One of them wanted to be bf/gf after 3 dates, then shortly after had a breakdown and didn’t speak to me for two days then said she wasn’t ready for anything . Another imitated sex twice in our only 3 dates and then said we don’t have the connection she was hoping for. These were both people around my age. 
 

What I’m trying to say is I don’t know what people want from me and how to get what I want, but ensuring they want the same thing. For example, when I was on dating app last year, many women with kids in their 40s wanted to date me. I think, what do they actually want from me. With my current partner, again, I question her motives, because there are contradictions. I am a laidback person and conversations of kids and marriage etc I thought these things would come up naturally years into a relationship. However, as I’ve said, even though I’m 32, if I plan on dating people my age, kids isn’t a topic to hold on to for a long time. Becomes critical after 36 etc. 

[FredEire]

14 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I get the sentiment, I am just confused. I realized it isn’t hard meeting people, but meeting the right person. I do believe things are a waste of time, I don’t believe ‘everything happens for a reason’. I question myself, am I doing what is best for me? Is temporary pleasure worth it? Forget the kids talk, the relationship was good until I mentioned it. Then it seemed like it actually caused more issues than not. 
 

My big issue is I’m tired of superficial stuff. When I was younger my aim on dating apps was just to get out there, meet women, and it’s a ‘numbers game’. Now, as with anyone, I see life isn’t a game and you don’t have unlimited time. I’m not talking about rushing, but about focusing. 
 

Last year, I got into numerous ‘situationships’ there wasn’t a steady base and I didn’t know much about these people. It ended up intimate but with no actual deep connection. I would rather not have had those situations, because they weren’t dressed as casual relationships. One of them wanted to be bf/gf after 3 dates, then shortly after had a breakdown and didn’t speak to me for two days then said she wasn’t ready for anything . Another imitated sex twice in our only 3 dates and then said we don’t have the connection she was hoping for. These were both people around my age. 
 

What I’m trying to say is I don’t know what people want from me and how to get what I want, but ensuring they want the same thing. For example, when I was on dating app last year, many women with kids in their 40s wanted to date me. I think, what do they actually want from me. With my current partner, again, I question her motives, because there are contradictions. I am a laidback person and conversations of kids and marriage etc I thought these things would come up naturally years into a relationship. However, as I’ve said, even though I’m 32, if I plan on dating people my age, kids isn’t a topic to hold on to for a long time. Becomes critical after 36 etc. 

I get you, and it is very hard to meet the right person.

But the solution to that isn't to just hop in to the first thing that seems remotely suitable.

Its also not all about what you want, but what both of you want aligning.

The biggest thing recently for me is accepting maybe its not going to happen, and not overthinking everything that happens in the early stages of a relationship.

Sure, everyone wants to meet their life partner, but I would surely prefer ending up just going solo in life than settling with someone who is wrong for me just because I want to tick the box.

[Lamron300]

On 12/21/2025 at 1:06 AM, FredEire said:

I get you, and it is very hard to meet the right person.

But the solution to that isn't to just hop in to the first thing that seems remotely suitable.

Its also not all about what you want, but what both of you want aligning.

The biggest thing recently for me is accepting maybe its not going to happen, and not overthinking everything that happens in the early stages of a relationship.

Sure, everyone wants to meet their life partner, but I would surely prefer ending up just going solo in life than settling with someone who is wrong for me just because I want to tick the box.

The issue I am having is I have become more psychologically aware, but it’s also taking me down a bad path. I question everything, why does someone even want to go on a date with me, what is there intention? I don’t even want to play games, but it happens. For example, if someone said I will drive 1 hour to go on a date with you, that means more than if someone is like, I’m getting my hair done at xyz place maybe I could meet you there after. But I wouldn’t expect someone to drive to me. 
 

Also I’m starting to see patterns in life, and I don’t mean to come off badly. For example, as I said, in the past I dated (went on many dates) a 45 year old, she had two kids. She would say flattering stuff to me, get me gifts etc. I asked her once, what do you see in me? She said things are just so easy and nice with you. I realized she had got what she wanted once upon a time in life (kids, marriage etc) and now she just wanted a less high stakes romance with a much younger person. Being with her would have meant accepting no kids and likely no marriage. Denying me of what I wanted from my life as she had already had it. 
 

With my current partner, all I want is for her to see things from my side. I want marriage but I mean I want someone to feel it and wanted it, like in our minds it’s a formality and not like a business deal. She says having kids is a big commitment and risk than marriage, I disagree as you can accidentally get someone pregnant. Happens all the time. Marriage is intentional. I don’t know how to get my point across without being overwhelmingly personal. I can’t see into people’s minds and they can’t see into mine. Like I said, moving in with me isn’t the same as let’s get a place together. 
 

I’m feeling quite bitter as a feel a lot of the time I get used. I look back at all my relationships and see there was always more in it for them than for me. 

 

 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I’m feeling quite bitter as a feel a lot of the time I get used. I look back at all my relationships and see there was always more in it for them than for me.

How so? You said that 45 year old just wanted to be with you because that felt good, while you wanted marriage and kids. So how come you feel she was using you? If anything, it looks much more like you were using her.

At any rate, competing with your partner and measuring how much each one of you “gets” from the relationship is a terrible mindset. You’ll never be happy if you keep thinking of relationships in terms of something being “in it for you” there.

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

How so? You said that 45 year old just wanted to be with you because that felt good, while you wanted marriage and kids. So how come you feel she was using you? If anything, it looks much more like you were using her.

At any rate, competing with your partner and measuring how much each one of you “gets” from the relationship is a terrible mindset. You’ll never be happy if you keep thinking of relationships in terms of something being “in it for you” there.

Using me is a strong word, but what I mean is a lot of people settle down for what they actually want after being in these high stakes situations (marriage and kids). Some people may marry and have kids with someone in same social circles or status and after that’s over, then try what they really want. My issue in my dating life is I date people I get along with, however, that isn’t enough. I need to do what’s best for me and what I really want. If I was 45 and dating someone in their early 30s, I wouldn’t expect them to forego kids and marriage to be with me. 
 

Like with my current partner, if you delve deep, I believe her fear of somethings is greater than her ‘love’ for me. It is simple, I don’t want to or never have wanted to rush marriage. I don’t care if it took 3 years or 8 years, but I don’t understand wanting to have kids quickly and move in with me,  but no idea of marriage or not a priority. She says it’s a man’s responsibility to ask to move in (its not together, it’s my house) and a man’s responsibility to propose (well why would I if I don’t feel it’s something you actually want). She wants me to introduce her to family or intimates that I don’t want to. How can I introduce you to my family as someone I just ‘knocked up’. I always want things to work, but maybe it’s best to just be narcissistic and care about myself and go causal with people, at least it’s less confusing. 

[Sanch62]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

How can I introduce you to my family as someone I just ‘knocked up’. I always want things to work, but maybe it’s best to just be narcissistic and care about myself and go causal with people, at least it’s less confusing. 

Why think in extremes; "If I can't have what I want with this woman, I should ditch the idea of having it with someone more suitable and go casual and narcissistic instead?"

That makes no sense. We date TO LEARN whether someone we like is a good match, not to assume they're our match and try to force a fit. Natural odds say, when they are not a good match, we move forward to keep dating until we find the RIGHT match.

Nobody is claiming that's easy, but taking yourself out of the dating pool to try to force a fit with the wrong puzzle piece only robs you of your own potential to find a good match.

Natural selection means selecting, not conforming or forcing another to conform. Natural odds are, you'll meet a lot of bad matches. You can either move on from those unscathed to keep seeking an authentic match, or you can keep sidelining yourself to spin in circles around someone who is not authentically aligned with what you want, and worse, who is full of landmines that launch criticisms of you for simply being who you are.

That's not matching, it's just retiring.

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, Sanch62 said:

Why think in extremes; "If I can't have what I want with this woman, I should ditch the idea of having it with someone more suitable and go casual and narcissistic instead?"

That makes no sense. We date TO LEARN whether someone we like is a good match, not to assume they're our match and try to force a fit. Natural odds say, when they are not a good match, we move forward to keep dating until we find the RIGHT match.

Nobody is claiming that's easy, but taking yourself out of the dating pool to try to force a fit with the wrong puzzle piece only robs you of your own potential to find a good match.

Natural selection means selecting, not conforming or forcing another to conform. Natural odds are, you'll meet a lot of bad matches. You can either move on from those unscathed to keep seeking an authentic match, or you can keep sidelining yourself to spin in circles around someone who is not authentically aligned with what you want, and worse, who is full of landmines that launch criticisms of you for simply being who you are.

That's not matching, it's just retiring.

Absolutely, in addition it makes no sense to continue in vain to try to make it work with someone who showed early on she wasn't a good fit, and then throw your hands up and say it can't be done.

Hey, its difficult. Plenty of people settle with someone whos wrong for them just because they are lonely or fearful of getting older. That doesn't mean that you should, or that its impossible.

[Lamron300]

On 12/27/2025 at 8:57 PM, FredEire said:

Absolutely, in addition it makes no sense to continue in vain to try to make it work with someone who showed early on she wasn't a good fit, and then throw your hands up and say it can't be done.

Hey, its difficult. Plenty of people settle with someone whos wrong for them just because they are lonely or fearful of getting older. That doesn't mean that you should, or that its impossible.

It’s very difficult and hurtful when something should work, doesn’t work or isn’t working and it’s because of just one person. It is literally all on her. As you can see from my post above, the insane arguments she makes out of nothing. Her illogical nature. She wants kids and even keeps constantly bringing up moving in with me, but marriage isn’t so keen on or brings up potential barriers etc. The fact is, she is 40 and jaded. Previously divorced etc. she likes me or ‘loves me’ as she claims; but clearly not enough that any simple action or inaction is taking as something it’s not. I’ve known her 8 months, I don’t know what more than what has been done could be expected. What can she possibly not be happy about? She will then bring up stuff like her meeting my family and I’ve explained it clear and simple. That isn’t a problem, but in my culture (African Christian) marriage is seen as vital. Sleeping together or living together or even having kids together without being married is problematic to my family. I don’t expect marriage right now as we are just navigating through our relationship, no pressure as with any other relationship. What is hard to understand in that? Even without my religious background most people on here have said kids/moving in so soon is crazy. And I have never refused to meet her family; they live far away (in Scotland) so I just haven’t wanted to do 5/6 days in a row away with her family when I’m just trying to sort myself out. A whole day or evening would have been fine. If we aren’t planning or dying today or breaking up today, why is that a big deal?! But as with everything with her,  it’s a problem. I’m now 100% sure you guys have been right all along. The way she is erratic and behaves, if I did get her pregnant, it would be a nightmare. She would turn on me for a small reason. 
 

To answer your point, this relationship has showed me what it can be like when you open up to someone, put everything on the line and fully commit to the point you’re ready to permanently combine DNA. It’s almost like keeping my issues to myself, seeing someone just once a week and focusing on making new friends would be easier. I’m tired of women wanting me for their very narrow reasons. I’m tired of people convincing me things I want which are rational are irrational because of their own experience. 

[FredEire]

39 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

It’s very difficult and hurtful when something should work, doesn’t work or isn’t working and it’s because of just one person. It is literally all on her. As you can see from my post above, the insane arguments she makes out of nothing. Her illogical nature. She wants kids and even keeps constantly bringing up moving in with me, but marriage isn’t so keen on or brings up potential barriers etc. The fact is, she is 40 and jaded. Previously divorced etc. she likes me or ‘loves me’ as she claims; but clearly not enough that any simple action or inaction is taking as something it’s not. I’ve known her 8 months, I don’t know what more than what has been done could be expected. What can she possibly not be happy about? She will then bring up stuff like her meeting my family and I’ve explained it clear and simple. That isn’t a problem, but in my culture (African Christian) marriage is seen as vital. Sleeping together or living together or even having kids together without being married is problematic to my family. I don’t expect marriage right now as we are just navigating through our relationship, no pressure as with any other relationship. What is hard to understand in that? Even without my religious background most people on here have said kids/moving in so soon is crazy. And I have never refused to meet her family; they live far away (in Scotland) so I just haven’t wanted to do 5/6 days in a row away with her family when I’m just trying to sort myself out. A whole day or evening would have been fine. If we aren’t planning or dying today or breaking up today, why is that a big deal?! But as with everything with her,  it’s a problem. I’m now 100% sure you guys have been right all along. The way she is erratic and behaves, if I did get her pregnant, it would be a nightmare. She would turn on me for a small reason. 
 

To answer your point, this relationship has showed me what it can be like when you open up to someone, put everything on the line and fully commit to the point you’re ready to permanently combine DNA. It’s almost like keeping my issues to myself, seeing someone just once a week and focusing on making new friends would be easier. I’m tired of women wanting me for their very narrow reasons. I’m tired of people convincing me things I want which are rational are irrational because of their own experience. 

It's never just one person, its always a dynamic. You can argue the toss about who is doing what but at the very least one person is treating themselves poorly by choosing to stay with someone who treats them poorly. Nobody is squeaky clean or faultless. Also when you say "should" work, there seem to be many things about this more than just her will that mean it can't and won't work.

While I do sympathise with some of the stuff you say about how it seems hard to even meet someone who's a decent respectful adult these days, it doesn't really justify hopping into a relationship with this woman out of desperation, who from everything you've described seems very far away from the kind of person you want to meet

 

Edited Thursday at 11:46 PM by FredEire

[ShyViolet]

44 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

It’s very difficult and hurtful when something should work, doesn’t work or isn’t working and it’s because of just one person. It is literally all on her. As you can see from my post above, the insane arguments she makes out of nothing. Her illogical nature. 

You're the one being illogical.  Why are you still in this relationship??  Why are you choosing to stay, and ruminate about the same problems over and over, and not take any advice that is given to you or make any change to your situation?

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

The way she is erratic and behaves, if I did get her pregnant, it would be a nightmare. She would turn on me for a small reason. 

So why haven't you broken up with her?

Your behaviour makes no sense either.  You've been whining about her for the past couple months here but you haven't ended it, as far as I can tell. You are an adult so it's time to put on your Big Boy Pants and do something. 

Edited yesterday at 05:35 AM by ExpatInItaly

[Lamron300]

8 hours ago, FredEire said:

It's never just one person, its always a dynamic. You can argue the toss about who is doing what but at the very least one person is treating themselves poorly by choosing to stay with someone who treats them poorly. Nobody is squeaky clean or faultless. Also when you say "should" work, there seem to be many things about this more than just her will that mean it can't and won't work.

While I do sympathise with some of the stuff you say about how it seems hard to even meet someone who's a decent respectful adult these days, it doesn't really justify hopping into a relationship with this woman out of desperation, who from everything you've described seems very far away from the kind of person you want to meet

 

Because it is more complicated than that and she says one thing and does another. Like we agreed let’s just go back to basics and dating and enjoying time together and forget about all the outside stuff (expectation of family and friends, kids, living together etc). Things seen normal and even good, then boom she ponders something ridiculous out of nowhere. And if I then say it is ridiculous, it is then ‘wow this is bad as you don’t understand why I’m upset’. 
 

I didn’t hop into a relationship with her, I had options at the time and still do (mainly exiting the relationship). When we met, none of these current pseudo issues existed. I’m genuinely trying to think what the core issue is. I’m all for trying to make stuff work or else it will be straight divorces break ups etc as soon as an issue hits in a relationship. However, it feels like she doesn’t actually want what I want and is dressing it up. 

[Lamron300]

9 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You're the one being illogical.  Why are you still in this relationship??  Why are you choosing to stay, and ruminate about the same problems over and over, and not take any advice that is given to you or make any change to your situation?

Because usually when relationships come to an end, things have become overly toxic. Whereas this seems normal on the surface and then it’s just her and her head which is the problem. It seems like things are resolved, then they aren’t. And then I question myself as I’m a reasonable person, but I am 100% not to blame in anything and that is what is pushing me over the edge. First ever argument a few months ago was about me not coming to see her when she had a cold. It was 10pm at night and she had finished work and said she was coming to mine. We only live 15 minutes away. She never brought it up and it only came out in a random conversation that she was annoyed I didn’t offer to come to hers instead, instead of just asking me at the time and I would have been right there in seconds. She knows she comes to me more than I do as I have two dogs. This wouldn’t be an argument in a healthy relationship. Again now the lie against me is I didn’t want to spend Xmas/NY with her. Even though factually I spent 23rd/24th and some of 25th with her. She was going away with her family for NY which I didn’t want to join as I have things I need to sort out/poor health atm. There is nothing sinister in it, but someone who has an agenda will do that. Early on in the relationship there was one time we were having sex and I wasn’t getting that errect (no idea why, nothing to do with her) and then she was like is it because you don’t fancy me?? She has a tendency to make everything about her or a slight against her.

To answer your question, I’m still here as I thought maybe she is just someone who needs reassurance and persuasion. But now I think, is she someone who just wants to break up and is trying to find a reason to do it? Or is she just a narcissist. If I was 100% clear on that, I would have broken up with her ages ago. But she does stuff that seems like she’s invested, but it can also be done in a bad way. For example, she wants to go to Barcelona in march to see friends. She said the flights are cheap, she can book for me now. I said I don’t want to commit now as I don’t know how the year will shape up, we are already going on holiday in January for 6 days. I have two businesses and two dogs to think of, I can’t just book stuff way in advance. Then I realize, huh.. this will be the next issue, she will say oh you don’t want to go with me blah blah blah. Which isn’t what I’ve said at all. 

I am very mature and have made my thoughts clear to her. For example, I have said the relationship isn’t transactional. I’m not saying I’ll have kids with you if you marry me or I’ll let you move in if xyz happens etc. These things take time and feel free to assess me for adequacy as well. These things come out in the wash. You need to be intentional yes, but don’t talk about them like a business transaction. 

[Lamron300]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So why haven't you broken up with her?

Your behaviour makes no sense either.  You've been whining about her for the past couple months here but you haven't ended it, as far as I can tell. You are an adult so it's time to put on your Big Boy Pants and do something. 

I responded to the poster above with my reasons why as it isn’t as clear cut. Sometimes it seems great and things seem resolved, then a spanner is thrown into the works by her. And I don’t know how to explain myself to her as she either isn’t listening or doesn’t care. 
 

My wants: to get married, have kids and a settled life, be able to make decisions together. This isn’t based on her, this is what I wanted before I even knew her. A logical conclusion to dating. Sex doesn’t sustain me, surface level relationships don’t sustain me. So what do we do in this modern world? When someone says they have been single for xyz it’s highly unlikely they mean they haven’t dated or had sex for that period. But I don’t want to waste time anymore, so what do I do!? What other options do I have to do but to just be surface level like most people. 
 

I think back to what you said about compatibility and it’s complicated. I remember in the past, I dated someone who on paper I wouldn’t date. She was 45 with two kids, very attractive physically, but on paper she was much older than me and had baggage of having kids and a divorce. She would do really nice things, get me gifts , say how much she wanted to please me, plan nice dates, pay for childcare just to see me regularly etc. All attributes which were good and positive, however, I knew there wasn’t a future in it as I want kids and marriage. So there is actually only a small window of compatibility and emotional status and past history is actually vital unfortunately to true compatibility. That makes finding someone very hard. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

Because usually when relationships come to an end, things have become overly toxic......

And then I question myself as I’m a reasonable person, but I am 100% not to blame in anything and that is what is pushing me over the edge

You're to blame because it's your choice to stay even though you have a of complaints.  You're to blame because you already know that the two of you want things which are incompatible.   The only way you would not be to blame for the fact you're frustrated and writing endless updates about how this is so wrong for you would be if she was holding you hostage.

A relationship doesn't need to become toxic before being ended.  A sensible person will see incompatibilities and say "I think you've got a lot to offer, but we want different things. I wish you luck".   A sensible person gets away BEFORE it's toxic.

Edited yesterday at 10:58 AM by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

 A sensible person gets away BEFORE it's toxic.

Yes, exactly. Waiting until a relationship becomes toxic before you end it is just...bizarre. 

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I responded to the poster above with my reasons why as it isn’t as clear cut.

I read all that,  and still don't see why you stay. Or rather, I see someone who is staying for reasons as self-serving as hers. 

Edited yesterday at 02:35 PM by ExpatInItaly

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Because usually when relationships come to an end, things have become overly toxic.

No.  A relationship doesn't have to be overly toxic in order to end it.  When a relationship simply isn't working, you end it.

You have been doing nothing but going around and around in circles complaining about the same problems, describing how this relationship is not working over and over and over, but for some reason you are unwilling to do the logical thing and end it.  There's only so much we can listen to you complain about how this relationship isn't working.  Now it's your responsibility to come to the logical conclusion and do something about it.  But you don't seem interested in doing that, you only seem interested in complaining about how this relationship isn't working, while staying in it.

[Sanch62]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

It seems like things are resolved, then they aren’t.

And you know this, but you keep sticking around for more of the same.

That's not complicated, it's clear.