What should I Do? I wanted kids and marriage with her now I need to think carefully

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

Can I explain my exact thinking? We met in May and everything was perfect

Well, you see, there’s the error in your thinking.

Nothing is perfect. Relationships, perhaps least of all. A good initial impression means very little in itself, it’s just a stepping stone towards the real thing.

 

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

My ex had nothing in common with me and hated kids, so she would say insane stuff like why do I want to buy a 3 bedroom house? Kids are expensive and annoying and loud (I never ever even mentioned having kids).

Why is that insane? That’s a valid opinion. And kids being expensive and at least occasionally loud and annoying is simply a fact.

 

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

It’s just so dreary now after this experience. 

Next time, don’t plan so much and don’t rush into things like you did. Your chances of success will be quite a bit higher.

[FredEire]

17 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I think people get married quickly all the time (3-6 months) and I think in my head I got complacent and thought everything would always be sunshine and rainbows. I’m someone that is very self reflective so when we started having arguments I would apportion the blame to myself in my head and try to make up. I later realised that her behaviour isn’t acceptable. Always having one foot out and expressing doubts but also saying ‘ I love you so much’ etc. 

it is a case of I want it to work (or wanted) more than it can work. If the relationship is over (which seems likely) it’s not like I want to have kids quickly or get married to the next person I meet. I just felt she was the right person at the time.

You're right that some people get into ill-informed marriages in a rush, why does that mean you should do it?

[FredEire]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Can I explain my exact thinking? We met in May and everything was perfect, felt chilled all the things I now question weren’t an issue then. She felt adaptable as she would come to my house a lot and it felt like she understood it’s because of the dogs. We only live 15 mins apart (never dated someone that lives that close) so going to hers wasn’t an issue. After maybe 3/4 months I mentioned in a jokey way about what she thinks about kids. I was tired of dating people with no actual end goals in sight. My ex had nothing in common with me and hated kids, so she would say insane stuff like why do I want to buy a 3 bedroom house? Kids are expensive and annoying and loud (I never ever even mentioned having kids). So when I met my current partner and we seemed to be on the same wavelength it was a breath of fresh air.

Fast forward 6 months and all the stupid arguments have been because of her. She said ‘why do you always talk about work, I can’t be your therapist in having issues of my own’ when I literally didn’t always talk about work I was talking about things that just happened and people trying to sue me for no reason. Then the whole she was sick and I expected her to come to me, which wasn’t the truth. She said she was coming to me after work at 9.30pm and then she didn’t even raise it, it came up in another ‘discussion’ that she actually would’ve liked me to say I should come to her, like I’m psychic.

Anyway recently I don’t know what is pushing it, she has been bringing up moving in together, frequently. This is a 360 from the beginning of the relationship where she said living apart is best. She also said let’s make a concerted  effort to get pregnant and if not by May/June let’s do investigations. This is the final straw. I feel disgraced that I’m the only one mentioning marriage and it’s word salad when I do. She would most likely completely change once the child is born. You may say I’m mad from the beginning, but if she wanted to get married first and consolidate things and then take a day at a time, this thread probably wouldn’t have happened. I don’t want to be like her in my 40s and regretting stuff and feeling to rush. What I’m trying to say, is what commitment should she show that I will feel comfortable or she would feel comfortable? Marriage can be broken, moving in together can be broken, relationship can be broken. There isn’t any guarantees so eventually when I do this stuff, it’s going to be a risk. 
 

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is looking past this now, I’m feeling very confused and fragile. I don’t want surface level relationships (ultimately a waste of time),  but I also can’t trust people again with this big stuff. I’m 32, and date within my age range, meaning whoever I meet this is an imminent discussion. It’s just so dreary now after this experience. 

 

You're 32 not 52. I think you need to relax a bit.

I'm the same age as you and I can take things too seriously as well, but I read your posts and it looks like the same frustrations even more ramped up.

It reads like a guy playing a game, frustrated that hes still only on level 3, panicking and trying to use cheat codes to rush to the end and say he's completed it.

You can't rush where you are in life. I think if you can have fun and take everything a bit less seriously (which starts with yourself rather than dating) and just enjoy the ride rather than seeing it as a catastrophy that you aren't "further ahead" in your own mind, things will then naturally start to take their course a bit more.

If you treat meeting your life partner as a chore rather than fun, thats what its going to feel like whenever you meet someone, as youve recently discovered.

Edited yesterday at 03:07 PM by FredEire