What should I Do? I wanted kids and marriage with her now I need to think carefully

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I am not desperate to get married or have kids

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I am not desperate

I didn't say you are desperate. It's you keeps repeating this, and I can't quite tell if you're trying to convince us or yourself. 

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I am desperate to settle down if that makes sense.

Yes, this is why I said that above all, you seem hellbent on proceeding with this not because you're super into this woman or the idea of marriage and kids but because you don't want to be single anymore.  

53 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Even apart from the fact it’s pretty insane to be talking about this stuff after 6 months (as I said I felt it was a whirlwind etc) she doesn’t have much money, so if we did do investigations, how would it be paid for? How would IVf be paid for?

I am going to guess by investigations you meanI IVF, and you have very valid concens about finances. It's insane to be talking about this 6 months into a relationship yes, but it was insane to be trying to get her pregnant so soon to begin with. You went along with that until now, so the insanity is not all on her. You've been making insane choices, too.  It sounds like you might be waking up to that now, though. 

53 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

So what I’m saying to you without getting too psychological is there is a lot to unpack.

Not really. You are both desperate for different things: her for a baby, and you to settle down (in your words) You're each trying to fill that void yourself with the other person. You're both driven by a sense of urgency, but for very different reasons. The chances of that going well and having a healthy and thriving relationship in the long-run are very low. The foundation here is way too flimsy and built on glass castles in the sky. 

I don't see how you two will find a way forward that it mutually satisfying, personally. I wouldn't waste my time on such a relationshp but it's your life to live. 

Edited Wednesday at 11:30 AM by ExpatInItaly

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

The only thing that shows real commitment is marriage (which I don’t want right now, it has to naturally develop on both parts) I just want to work towards it. 

At this point it's like you are stubbornly refusing to look at the facts of the situation.  She has shown you that she isn't interested in marriage with you.  When you try to bring it up with her, it shouldn't be like pulling teeth.  If her saying "I never said I don't want to marry you" is your assurance that there's marriage potential here, that is pretty weak.

You don't seem open to advice, you are just repeating the same things over and over.  You are free to make your own choices, even if they are bad ones.  It's just very selfish to bring a child into this unstable situation that clearly doesn't have long term potential.

And of course she would want to push for her to move into your house, when you own your own home and she doesn't, and this would clearly be financially beneficial to her.  It very much does sound like she's using you on some level.

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

The only thing that shows real commitment is marriage (which I don’t want right now, it has to naturally develop on both parts)

Having a child with someone binds you to that person far more than marriage does. 

[S2B]

Just tell her no to everything! She has an agenda… that only interest ds to benefit herself.

i would NEVER have unprotected sex with someone like her.

[basil67]

17 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

This is the crux of things and my issue with her. She has said to me she has never said she doesn’t want to get married to me (it’s such an embarrassing topic as I’m not desperate to get married, like anyone else you wait and see how relationship develops but in society men are expected to propose. So if I bring it up, it makes me seem like I am persuading or convincing, which I’m definitely not). 
 

From what I ascertain she was married 17 years ago or her marriage ended 17 years ago. I don’t talk about it as for me it can trigger resentment. Anyway for example yesterday she said her sister got married on her birthday, I joked and said I want to get married on my birthday. She said we can’t get married on your birthday as it’s a big family event for her next year. I asked her to expand and she was like well if you want to Marry ME it will have to be another time. She has also on other occasions said we need to discuss it, but her words have made the barrier to marriage a lot lower than having kids together. Even a non skeptic would say and can say she’s in last chance saloon for kids. Kids don’t show commitment to me, which is something I’ve never felt in any relationship. I’ve always felt as two separate people and never trusted someone and have always been right about that. 

Hypothetically we could have never had these discussions date for 18 months and then naturally felt all these things marriages etc was the right time. But her being 40, that is unlikely to be wise. As I’ve asked and worried about, do I have feelings for her? Of course, have I enjoyed the relationship? 90% of the time, yes. The issue is now I don’t know how to talk to her without things getting really bad. For example, on a video call yesterday, she said ‘I’m old’ I want a plan. I know pregnancy can’t be expedited but we need a plan, like when you want me to move in and I think if we aren’t pregnant by June, we should get investigations. For the first time, I felt some weird uncomfortable pressure. I give her the benefit of the doubt as I have expressed wanting a kid with her previously and actively trying, but it didn’t feel weird or pressured till yesterday. Even apart from the fact it’s pretty insane to be talking about this stuff after 6 months (as I said I felt it was a whirlwind etc) she doesn’t have much money, so if we did do investigations, how would it be paid for? How would IVf be paid for? I am never again going to financially solve things or only me commit finances to a woman.  So what I’m saying to you without getting too psychological is there is a lot to unpack. I was happy to move forward with kids and I felt marriage as it was me maturing and settling down. I’ve always protected myself by either having surface level ‘situationships’ as I’ve felt it wouldn’t hurt as bad if went wrong or instead of being totally single, let me just date with no direction. I’m so confused.

I think she's going to make the decision for you.   You are sensibly unwilling to have a baby this quickly, but she wants one now.  If you don't deliver, she's going to leave and find some desperado who will father her child.   To be very clear, she sees you as a sperm donor, not a husband

 

[introverted1]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

To be very clear, she sees you as a sperm donor, not a husband

I'm guessing she sees him as a financial donor, too.  If she has his baby, he'll be on the hook for at least 18 years child support.

And she's then free to move on to a new man, move in with him, and have that baby calling the new man "daddy." 

[Els]

On 12/3/2025 at 8:07 PM, Lamron300 said:

My head is this. I bring up marriage because I’ve never felt anyone truly committed to me. For example, people have always moved in with ME (twice) and paid no bills etc. So there is a financial benefit and incentive to do so. That’s completely different from someone saying let’s get a place together and go 50-50. Every time I have lived with someone they’ve ended up being a terrible person (cheating behind my back) 

How exactly do you think marriage is going to prevent this outcome?

On 12/3/2025 at 8:22 PM, Lamron300 said:

I am not desperate. I am desperate to settle down if that makes sense. 

That's still desperation, just a different type.

On 12/3/2025 at 8:36 PM, Lamron300 said:

For the first time, I felt some weird uncomfortable pressure. I give her the benefit of the doubt as I have expressed wanting a kid with her previously and actively trying, but it didn’t feel weird or pressured till yesterday. Even apart from the fact it’s pretty insane to be talking about this stuff after 6 months (as I said I felt it was a whirlwind etc) she doesn’t have much money, so if we did do investigations, how would it be paid for? How would IVf be paid for? I am never again going to financially solve things or only me commit finances to a woman.

Really, this was the FIRST time you felt pressured?! 

I hope you realize that if you get her pregnant (with or without IVF), you ARE going to be committing your finances for the next 18 years at least. IVF is the least of your problems. It boggles my mind that you are so worried about your finances and your apparent solution is to be having unprotected sex with a broke 40-yo woman who's desperate for a baby daddy, and trying to convince her to marry you.

[Lamron300]

On 12/3/2025 at 1:52 PM, ShyViolet said:

At this point it's like you are stubbornly refusing to look at the facts of the situation.  She has shown you that she isn't interested in marriage with you.  When you try to bring it up with her, it shouldn't be like pulling teeth.  If her saying "I never said I don't want to marry you" is your assurance that there's marriage potential here, that is pretty weak.

You don't seem open to advice, you are just repeating the same things over and over.  You are free to make your own choices, even if they are bad ones.  It's just very selfish to bring a child into this unstable situation that clearly doesn't have long term potential.

And of course she would want to push for her to move into your house, when you own your own home and she doesn't, and this would clearly be financially beneficial to her.  It very much does sound like she's using you on some level.

I think when a relationship shows potential and promise you want to see it through. However, I have noted increasingly, she seems erratic and I’m pretty certain she wants to push me away.

We had a nice weekend and then on Sunday night she started asking me relationship questions from an instagram page. I was answering honestly. Then she said when are you going to see your family for Christmas. I said either side of Xmas, maybe a few days before and a few days after. She burst out crying and said she needs to leave my place now, that shows I don’t consider her. I explained to her I 1) don’t have set plans and 2) we have from now up until and around Xmas to make plans between us. I explained November-December is always a bad time mentally for me for various reasons and I’m not someone who gets hyped for Xmas. My laidback attitude to making specific plans with her isn’t to do with not being a priority etc. anyway she has now said she needs time to think about the relationship and is asking me to provide examples of how I am committed to her.

Everyone on this forum thinks I’m nuts, yet strongly considering kids and moving in together after 7 months! Isn’t enough commitment to her. 

[Lamron300]

On 12/3/2025 at 8:04 PM, S2B said:

Just tell her no to everything! She has an agenda… that only interest ds to benefit herself.

i would NEVER have unprotected sex with someone like her.

It hurts as I felt she was genuine, but now I’m seeing another side of her that I hadn’t seen before. Everything just benefits her and her life choices up to now or circumstance (being 40) shouldn’t be the main factor in the relationship. Right now on WhatsApp she is basically saying I’m not committed as I haven’t made a clear plan of when she is to move in with me.

I explained many times in the past when people have moved in with ME it isn’t inherently romantic as it’s been of benefit to them and none to me. I’ve paid all the bills, it’s been my place. Saying let’s both contribute to a place together is completely different. Also the day before she said I’m 40, I don’t want to waste time. I’m starting to think, this isn’t about me. Although some of her actions may show she wants to be with me (booking stuff in the future) her current actions make no sense. I haven’t done anything wrong and she is now questioning everything. 

[Lamron300]

On 12/5/2025 at 6:47 PM, Els said:

How exactly do you think marriage is going to prevent this outcome?

That's still desperation, just a different type.

Really, this was the FIRST time you felt pressured?! 

I hope you realize that if you get her pregnant (with or without IVF), you ARE going to be committing your finances for the next 18 years at least. IVF is the least of your problems. It boggles my mind that you are so worried about your finances and your apparent solution is to be having unprotected sex with a broke 40-yo woman who's desperate for a baby daddy, and trying to convince her to marry you.

To explain, the first 5 months felt like a whirlwind. You know some people get married even though partner is terminal, obviously that isn’t the case here, but I felt this relationship is me finally settled. Yes the age difference means we may need to move quicker but we would have ended up in the same position eventually even if we were the same age. However, recently, she has become somewhat weird/pushy? She has brought up moving in together quite frequently. Said I need a ‘plan’ when I thought we were just taking it day by day. And has triggered some absolutely weird arguments. I’m not sure what is going on. 
 

In terms of marriage, I thought that’s commitment between us but it’s not something we need to rush into. But I always wanted to be married before having kids and we need to try for kids sooner than later. That’s the only way it even came up in my head. She doesn’t seem to understand my dilemma. I said to her what have we not done that should be done 7 months into a relationship? We have talked about more and considered stuff that most people don’t think about this soon. Yet she is questioning my commitment or if I prioritize her. 
 

My issue is I never see signs early and don’t want to move away from a relationship till it’s toxic and I have no choice. She has this thing of making something reasonable, seem unreasonable. 
 

And it isn’t a form of desperation. I hate dating as it stresses me out, it doesn’t mean I’m willing to settle for anything. I may be wrong about people (who hasn’t been) but that’s different from just wanting anything. There are loads of people out there, but I have this maybe misguided sense of loyalty or wanting to work things out. Maybe the facts of the matter is she is 40 and previously divorced and wants a kid badly, but doesn’t want to commit to marriage. Then anything I do is not good enough and my sensible reservations are used as a way to eject. 

[Lamron300]

On 12/4/2025 at 4:37 AM, basil67 said:

I think she's going to make the decision for you.   You are sensibly unwilling to have a baby this quickly, but she wants one now.  If you don't deliver, she's going to leave and find some desperado who will father her child.   To be very clear, she sees you as a sperm donor, not a husband

 

I’m in a new phase of my life where I try and consider everything deeply. I didn’t go looking to date someone in their 40s, 30s, 20s etc. I date who I feel I get along with and have rapport with. I have eventual goals I want, marriage and kids…but life and modern dating means it’s hard to find someone to even settle down on that path to. I’m not saying 2 years. 5 years or ten years. As long as someone wants those same things. Even if it doesn’t work out, at least we were on the same page at one stage. 
 

This time last year my 2 month dating with a 23 year old had ended. I never planned to ‘date’ someone years younger than me, but things felt like they had some potential. The same as now dating someone 8 years older than me. 

The issue is I want something serious and committed, but it just seems so stressful and demoralizing, especially when it’s turning out the way it has for me in recent years. I then find surface level things which are not going anyway easier as I have no investment or attachment. For example, in the past, I was going on dates with a woman with two kids, who was much older than me. I found her very attractive and good company, but no idea what she saw in someone 12 years younger. I felt comfortable as we had many similarities but I also felt weird as I was doing the opposite to what I utilmatley wanted ( kids and marriage). I knew that situation wasn’t it and I didn’t even know what she wanted from me (maybe lonely?). Anyway I digress,  it’s hard to be all or nothing in dating. Get exactly what I want now or dont date at all and just sit at home. 
 

When I met my current partner, I felt viability as we wanted the same thing, but I guess that’s not true. She wants a kid (for her reasons), then when it comes to marriage it’s up in the air and word salad. I am being made to feel guilty for no reason and then being told the fact I don’t understand is a problem (the Christmas argument). I just don’t know what to do anymore. Fed up.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

Said I need a ‘plan’ when I thought we were just taking it day by day

Then you really should not be trying to have a baby with her. 

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Everyone on this forum thinks I’m nuts, yet strongly considering kids and moving in together after 7 months! Isn’t enough commitment to her

Oh, she's nuts too. She just isn't here for us to tell her that directly. 

 

[ShyViolet]

OP. how many times are you going to tell yet another story of how this relationship is a dead end, before you wake up and face the fact that you shouldn't be thinking of marriage and a baby with this woman?  You keep coming back to tell yet another story of how she is acting like she has one foot out of this relationship.  We get the point.  For some inexplicable reason you still keep hanging on to the idea of marriage and a baby with this woman, when everything should be telling you to let go of that.

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

OP. how many times are you going to tell yet another story of how this relationship is a dead end, before you wake up and face the fact that you shouldn't be thinking of marriage and a baby with this woman?  You keep coming back to tell yet another story of how she is acting like she has one foot out of this relationship.  We get the point.  For some inexplicable reason you still keep hanging on to the idea of marriage and a baby with this woman, when everything should be telling you to let go of that.

Because I can’t figure out why she is behaving like this. It felt like some great romance for 6 months. Then her actions are now illogical. I don’t want to think the bad things people have said in this thread, but I don’t really have any evidence to suggest they are wrong.