What should I Do? I wanted kids and marriage with her now I need to think carefully

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I am not desperate to get married or have kids

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I am not desperate

I didn't say you are desperate. It's you keeps repeating this, and I can't quite tell if you're trying to convince us or yourself. 

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I am desperate to settle down if that makes sense.

Yes, this is why I said that above all, you seem hellbent on proceeding with this not because you're super into this woman or the idea of marriage and kids but because you don't want to be single anymore.  

53 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Even apart from the fact it’s pretty insane to be talking about this stuff after 6 months (as I said I felt it was a whirlwind etc) she doesn’t have much money, so if we did do investigations, how would it be paid for? How would IVf be paid for?

I am going to guess by investigations you meanI IVF, and you have very valid concens about finances. It's insane to be talking about this 6 months into a relationship yes, but it was insane to be trying to get her pregnant so soon to begin with. You went along with that until now, so the insanity is not all on her. You've been making insane choices, too.  It sounds like you might be waking up to that now, though. 

53 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

So what I’m saying to you without getting too psychological is there is a lot to unpack.

Not really. You are both desperate for different things: her for a baby, and you to settle down (in your words) You're each trying to fill that void yourself with the other person. You're both driven by a sense of urgency, but for very different reasons. The chances of that going well and having a healthy and thriving relationship in the long-run are very low. The foundation here is way too flimsy and built on glass castles in the sky. 

I don't see how you two will find a way forward that it mutually satisfying, personally. I wouldn't waste my time on such a relationshp but it's your life to live. 

Edited Wednesday at 11:30 AM by ExpatInItaly

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

The only thing that shows real commitment is marriage (which I don’t want right now, it has to naturally develop on both parts) I just want to work towards it. 

At this point it's like you are stubbornly refusing to look at the facts of the situation.  She has shown you that she isn't interested in marriage with you.  When you try to bring it up with her, it shouldn't be like pulling teeth.  If her saying "I never said I don't want to marry you" is your assurance that there's marriage potential here, that is pretty weak.

You don't seem open to advice, you are just repeating the same things over and over.  You are free to make your own choices, even if they are bad ones.  It's just very selfish to bring a child into this unstable situation that clearly doesn't have long term potential.

And of course she would want to push for her to move into your house, when you own your own home and she doesn't, and this would clearly be financially beneficial to her.  It very much does sound like she's using you on some level.

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

The only thing that shows real commitment is marriage (which I don’t want right now, it has to naturally develop on both parts)

Having a child with someone binds you to that person far more than marriage does. 

[S2B]

Just tell her no to everything! She has an agenda… that only interest ds to benefit herself.

i would NEVER have unprotected sex with someone like her.

[basil67]

17 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

This is the crux of things and my issue with her. She has said to me she has never said she doesn’t want to get married to me (it’s such an embarrassing topic as I’m not desperate to get married, like anyone else you wait and see how relationship develops but in society men are expected to propose. So if I bring it up, it makes me seem like I am persuading or convincing, which I’m definitely not). 
 

From what I ascertain she was married 17 years ago or her marriage ended 17 years ago. I don’t talk about it as for me it can trigger resentment. Anyway for example yesterday she said her sister got married on her birthday, I joked and said I want to get married on my birthday. She said we can’t get married on your birthday as it’s a big family event for her next year. I asked her to expand and she was like well if you want to Marry ME it will have to be another time. She has also on other occasions said we need to discuss it, but her words have made the barrier to marriage a lot lower than having kids together. Even a non skeptic would say and can say she’s in last chance saloon for kids. Kids don’t show commitment to me, which is something I’ve never felt in any relationship. I’ve always felt as two separate people and never trusted someone and have always been right about that. 

Hypothetically we could have never had these discussions date for 18 months and then naturally felt all these things marriages etc was the right time. But her being 40, that is unlikely to be wise. As I’ve asked and worried about, do I have feelings for her? Of course, have I enjoyed the relationship? 90% of the time, yes. The issue is now I don’t know how to talk to her without things getting really bad. For example, on a video call yesterday, she said ‘I’m old’ I want a plan. I know pregnancy can’t be expedited but we need a plan, like when you want me to move in and I think if we aren’t pregnant by June, we should get investigations. For the first time, I felt some weird uncomfortable pressure. I give her the benefit of the doubt as I have expressed wanting a kid with her previously and actively trying, but it didn’t feel weird or pressured till yesterday. Even apart from the fact it’s pretty insane to be talking about this stuff after 6 months (as I said I felt it was a whirlwind etc) she doesn’t have much money, so if we did do investigations, how would it be paid for? How would IVf be paid for? I am never again going to financially solve things or only me commit finances to a woman.  So what I’m saying to you without getting too psychological is there is a lot to unpack. I was happy to move forward with kids and I felt marriage as it was me maturing and settling down. I’ve always protected myself by either having surface level ‘situationships’ as I’ve felt it wouldn’t hurt as bad if went wrong or instead of being totally single, let me just date with no direction. I’m so confused.

I think she's going to make the decision for you.   You are sensibly unwilling to have a baby this quickly, but she wants one now.  If you don't deliver, she's going to leave and find some desperado who will father her child.   To be very clear, she sees you as a sperm donor, not a husband

 

[introverted1]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

To be very clear, she sees you as a sperm donor, not a husband

I'm guessing she sees him as a financial donor, too.  If she has his baby, he'll be on the hook for at least 18 years child support.

And she's then free to move on to a new man, move in with him, and have that baby calling the new man "daddy."