What should I Do? I wanted kids and marriage with her now I need to think carefully

[Lamron300]

Hi,

I hope you’re well. I need advice on my relationship. I have been in a relationship for the last 6 months. I am in my early 30s and she just turned 40. 
 

Everything is mostly good, no arguments and both ‘want’ the same thing but I’ve hit a snag in my head. We both want kids, however, since she is 40, we thought trying sooner is better than waiting. We’ve researched everything and made plans etc and have been actively trying for maybe a month. 
 

In my head, it didn’t feel rushed as the relationship feels right, feels like first actual adult relationship. Then things happen which have made me consider how I move forward.

I believe in marriage and I have mentioned it numerous times. Not because I want to get married right now this second, but because if we are committed enough to be considering children, marriage is something I believe in and is the final phase to me of settling down. The snag is she was married in the past. She is eight years older than me. So when I was 20, she would’ve been 28. Her marriage was maybe 10-15 years ago. I never talk about it as I don’t want to. I never thought I’d date someone who has been married before, but I’m learning to take people as they’re now. Anyway, anytime I mention marriage she will say something like we haven’t reached that hurdle yet or it isn’t on the cards yet so why worry or you haven’t even proposed yet. Then she will say if we aren’t married she can still qualify as a first time property buyer. I’m not here to persuade someone to want to marry me in the future, it’s something you need to organically want. She 100% wants to have kids, yet marriage is a sideshow. She will also say well yeah we can consider ‘if it’s important to you’.

 

Anyway, I have battled hard and worked on myself not to think about people’s past, even though the past has ruined/damaged many of my relationships. However, in this case I’m pretty sure she isn’t fussed about marriage as her first marriage failed. That is the past impacting me again, even though I didn’t judge, which for me is personal growth. 
 

Second thing is two days ago, I got upset and I’m still upset. I’m someone who doesn’t speak about my issues much to anyone (hence why I go on forum) and I told her about my issues at work (I run my own business) which have happened recently and over the past few months. They’ve been like a weight around my neck as the issues aren’t things which are quickly resolved. She said to me it’s tiring listening to negativity especially as she is in low mood herself (suffered bereavement last year). And she can’t be my therapist. We had a three hour discussion about this as I never asked for advice or for a therapist just telling someone I’m supposed to be in a committed relationship the issues I’m having right now and why things are why they are. I then said I won’t ever talk about work again with her and she got offended (but this is how I feel). 
 

How do I go forward in a positive way or not? On surface things are fine, but now I’m worried if do have kids, these background things may get worse. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You two are putting the cart way in front of the horse. 

And now you're seeing why this isn't smart. You are still getting to know each other. Trying to have children together at just 6 months of dating when you don't even know if you're a long-term match is nuts, to be blunt. Neither of you is using good judgment here. 

Halt all attempts at kids. Wait and see if you two will even last as a couple. If she doesn't want to wait at her age, then she will need to consider alternative avenues to parenthood. 

[basil67]

The only time the past can ruin relationships is if you find out they did something terrible to you in the past....like discovering past lies to you or cheating on you in the past.   But this is not the case for you now.  All of us change our ideas and beliefs as we experience life, and any new relationship is with a person who's changed this way or that due to their past gains and losses.  To not change due to life experiences would mean we are all stuck as children.  

That said 40yo is a bit long in the tooth for someone trying for their first child and the odds of you both needing assisted pregnancy are not insignificant.   And I think it's perfectly reasonable to want a person who will listen to our problems (on the proviso that they are not a whiner who complains about everything).  Now, are you OK with starting to have children quickly?  And are you OK with a woman who doesn't have the bandwidth to listen to your problems?  

 

 

[Sony12]

You definitely aren't on the same wave length with each other. It doesn't really sound like she even really wants to get married again right now.

And yeah if having kids is that important to you you probably should be dating women more your age or perhaps a little younger. She honestly sounds like she would be a better fit dating a man who already has kids than a childless younger man who really wants to have kids.