What should I Do? I wanted kids and marriage with her now I need to think carefully

[Lamron300]

Hi,

I hope you’re well. I need advice on my relationship. I have been in a relationship for the last 6 months. I am in my early 30s and she just turned 40. 
 

Everything is mostly good, no arguments and both ‘want’ the same thing but I’ve hit a snag in my head. We both want kids, however, since she is 40, we thought trying sooner is better than waiting. We’ve researched everything and made plans etc and have been actively trying for maybe a month. 
 

In my head, it didn’t feel rushed as the relationship feels right, feels like first actual adult relationship. Then things happen which have made me consider how I move forward.

I believe in marriage and I have mentioned it numerous times. Not because I want to get married right now this second, but because if we are committed enough to be considering children, marriage is something I believe in and is the final phase to me of settling down. The snag is she was married in the past. She is eight years older than me. So when I was 20, she would’ve been 28. Her marriage was maybe 10-15 years ago. I never talk about it as I don’t want to. I never thought I’d date someone who has been married before, but I’m learning to take people as they’re now. Anyway, anytime I mention marriage she will say something like we haven’t reached that hurdle yet or it isn’t on the cards yet so why worry or you haven’t even proposed yet. Then she will say if we aren’t married she can still qualify as a first time property buyer. I’m not here to persuade someone to want to marry me in the future, it’s something you need to organically want. She 100% wants to have kids, yet marriage is a sideshow. She will also say well yeah we can consider ‘if it’s important to you’.

 

Anyway, I have battled hard and worked on myself not to think about people’s past, even though the past has ruined/damaged many of my relationships. However, in this case I’m pretty sure she isn’t fussed about marriage as her first marriage failed. That is the past impacting me again, even though I didn’t judge, which for me is personal growth. 
 

Second thing is two days ago, I got upset and I’m still upset. I’m someone who doesn’t speak about my issues much to anyone (hence why I go on forum) and I told her about my issues at work (I run my own business) which have happened recently and over the past few months. They’ve been like a weight around my neck as the issues aren’t things which are quickly resolved. She said to me it’s tiring listening to negativity especially as she is in low mood herself (suffered bereavement last year). And she can’t be my therapist. We had a three hour discussion about this as I never asked for advice or for a therapist just telling someone I’m supposed to be in a committed relationship the issues I’m having right now and why things are why they are. I then said I won’t ever talk about work again with her and she got offended (but this is how I feel). 
 

How do I go forward in a positive way or not? On surface things are fine, but now I’m worried if do have kids, these background things may get worse. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You two are putting the cart way in front of the horse. 

And now you're seeing why this isn't smart. You are still getting to know each other. Trying to have children together at just 6 months of dating when you don't even know if you're a long-term match is nuts, to be blunt. Neither of you is using good judgment here. 

Halt all attempts at kids. Wait and see if you two will even last as a couple. If she doesn't want to wait at her age, then she will need to consider alternative avenues to parenthood. 

[basil67]

The only time the past can ruin relationships is if you find out they did something terrible to you in the past....like discovering past lies to you or cheating on you in the past.   But this is not the case for you now.  All of us change our ideas and beliefs as we experience life, and any new relationship is with a person who's changed this way or that due to their past gains and losses.  To not change due to life experiences would mean we are all stuck as children.  

That said 40yo is a bit long in the tooth for someone trying for their first child and the odds of you both needing assisted pregnancy are not insignificant.   And I think it's perfectly reasonable to want a person who will listen to our problems (on the proviso that they are not a whiner who complains about everything).  Now, are you OK with starting to have children quickly?  And are you OK with a woman who doesn't have the bandwidth to listen to your problems?  

 

 

[Sony12]

You definitely aren't on the same wave length with each other. It doesn't really sound like she even really wants to get married again right now.

And yeah if having kids is that important to you you probably should be dating women more your age or perhaps a little younger. She honestly sounds like she would be a better fit dating a man who already has kids than a childless younger man who really wants to have kids.

[ShyViolet]

You're actively trying to have a baby with a woman you've been dating for 6 months?  I'm sorry but that's extremely foolish.  You don't know her well enough at this point to do something that commits you to her for life.  You should know better than that.

You seriously need to stop trying to have a baby with this woman, use birth control, until you figure out whether this relationship even has long term potential.

[Sony12]

She's looking for a sperm donor.

[glows]

This must be someone new bc the last live in woman had some real issues. Keep issues about the business high level only. Dont go venting. The only person who cares the same way about a business is going to be the business owner. 

Probably best to not assume her reasons for not wanting to discuss marriage but her dismissing you is a red flag. Ever thought she probably dismisses you because you are judgmental about past marriages? Maybe stay neutral and then she’ll see you’re a safe space to open up to. 

No having a kid isn’t the right time right now. Horrible idea. You both are still working on your communication. It’s a glaring red flag she’s having unprotected sex with you and unable to feel safe or open about any topic 

[Els]

6 months AND your "first actual adult relationship"? Ooooof. 

Dude I think you need to slow way down. Yes, at 40 she is at the end of her childbearing years, however that is not your responsibility. You should not feel pressured to provide a person you've only known for 6 months with what they want.

What do YOU want? Do you really want kids here and now, with her? If you don't, stop having unprotected sex right now. Tell her kids are off the table until you two have been together for longer and have resolved your other issues.

You realize that having kids with someone ties you to them for 18 years at the absolute minimum, right? 

[smackie9]

You know this doesn't feel right so stop it. Stop everything. This is a bad idea, bad situation....it's just bad. Fools rush in. 

[Els]

Edit: Okay, I just glanced through your last thread. You've got a lot to work on, mate. Like, a LOT. The issues in this relationship notwithstanding, IMO you are not anywhere near ready to be a parent.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/661948-how-to-avoid-problems-and-start-a-relationship

[Sanch62]

8 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

We had a three hour discussion about this ... I then said I won’t ever talk about work again with her and she got offended (but this is how I feel). 

Why the binary black-or-white, all-or-nothing position on this?

Overkill is a thing. I don't even want to do something that feels good for 3 HOURS. A therapy session with a professional doesn't go on for 3 HOURS--for good reasons.

So why insist that pummeling into lousy feelings for 3 HOURS with a partner must turn out positively or otherwise 'must' equal cutting off ALL communication about a subject that's important to you?

That's a tantrum serving punishment. Punitive withholding won't encourage or inspire either of you to feel good about sharing anything together going forward.

That said, 6 months is awfully premature to jump into ANYthing permanent, much less conceiving a child. You are just getting to know one another, and learning whether or not someone is a good 'forever' match for you needn't involve making either of you out to be a villain.

Respect the limits of your partner without punishment. Consider hiring a business coach who is trained to help and teach you about managing business issues. 

[Gebidozo]

Trying to have a baby with a woman you’ve been dating for 6 months is pretty crazy.

It’s even more crazy when there are obvious discrepancies in goals, expectation, and timelines.

And it’s even more crazy when there are such communication and verbal chemistry issues between the partners.

Her past has nothing to do with that. She is what she is now. Keep dating her if you really like her, but please don’t rush into having kids now.

[Lamron300]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You two are putting the cart way in front of the horse. 

And now you're seeing why this isn't smart. You are still getting to know each other. Trying to have children together at just 6 months of dating when you don't even know if you're a long-term match is nuts, to be blunt. Neither of you is using good judgment here. 

Halt all attempts at kids. Wait and see if you two will even last as a couple. If she doesn't want to wait at her age, then she will need to consider alternative avenues to parenthood. 

It’s interesting to see an outsiders view, hence why I posted on this topic. I appreciate your straight to the point advice. 
 

I do want kids, quite badly. But as you’ve said, what about if we do have kids and things go wrong and now all I’ve got out of it is baggage. At least with most relationships I can walk away and the other party, with no ties. 
 

Im thinking if she was committed to getting married I may feel different, but why is she willing to have kids but funny on the subject of marriage. Having a kid is more tied down that marriage. I also can’t be bothered to delve into people’s hang up’s about relationships as it brings out a lot of negativity. 
 

It’s a minefield. I feel good with her 95% of the time and she has said I can change my mind about kids if I want. 

[Lamron300]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

The only time the past can ruin relationships is if you find out they did something terrible to you in the past....like discovering past lies to you or cheating on you in the past.   But this is not the case for you now.  All of us change our ideas and beliefs as we experience life, and any new relationship is with a person who's changed this way or that due to their past gains and losses.  To not change due to life experiences would mean we are all stuck as children.  

That said 40yo is a bit long in the tooth for someone trying for their first child and the odds of you both needing assisted pregnancy are not insignificant.   And I think it's perfectly reasonable to want a person who will listen to our problems (on the proviso that they are not a whiner who complains about everything).  Now, are you OK with starting to have children quickly?  And are you OK with a woman who doesn't have the bandwidth to listen to your problems?  

 

 

So my problems are I own a business that does building inspection (I think that’s what it’s called in the states) it’s building surveying here in UK. Basically I check the structure of a house for a buyer before they buy it. I’ve done over 4000 reports and no problems, till 2024 and this year, people made false allegations I didn’t tell them about issues in house. For example a pipe leaked months after an inspection and buyer tried to blame on me, this week. Anyway I kept all this to myself till it happened recently and then just told her about it as it happens (only happened on Monday). I would prefer to come on a forum than speak to people about issues usually. Like I said she used the word ‘tiring’ and said her job is demanding and all the things she is going through, it’s hard to feel like my therapist. I still am not over that, as that’s not what happened at all and I always listen to her issues. I digress. 

I want kids and I’m not feeling pressured or wouldn’t allow myself to be pressured, but I’m now thinking what the future would be like. You don’t have to agree on everything as a couple but what if key fundamentals come up?

Also marriage is important to me and usually I enter a relationship with no timeframe on anything. But I’ve dated people who haven’t wanted kids and lied about it etc. I don’t want to have kids with no plans to get married and I don’t think she feels it’s important. But also if she said let’s get married today I wouldn’t , so I’m confused.

[ShyViolet]

50 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Im thinking if she was committed to getting married I may feel different, but why is she willing to have kids but funny on the subject of marriage. Having a kid is more tied down that marriage.

Anyone who would try to have a baby with someone they've been dating for 6 months is using very poor judgment.  Both you and her.  It really doesn't matter why she is doing this yet saying she isn't keen on marriage.  It would be foolish to be thinking about marriage at this stage also.  But to be trying to conceive at 6 months of dating, is just crazy.

So have you come to your senses and decided to stop doing this before she gets pregnant and you get yourself into a real mess?

[glows]

Marriage sounds important for you so you should be with someone who thinks of it the same way. What seems to bother you most is she doesn’t seem as interested. 

It may be the case all this is totally moot if she can’t have kids or your combined fertility is negligible/non existent. Maybe before you both continue further, have serious discussions about:

-fertility (don’t assume either of you or both are fertile) since you BOTH want kids, both get tested 

-marriage (pros and cons for each of you). Discuss in a neutral and more informational/ factual way what these are instead of what you both feel and absolutely no assumptions about one another. 

more communication is needed here. Your communication with each other right now is not good 

 

[Lamron300]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You're actively trying to have a baby with a woman you've been dating for 6 months?  I'm sorry but that's extremely foolish.  You don't know her well enough at this point to do something that commits you to her for life.  You should know better than that.

You seriously need to stop trying to have a baby with this woman, use birth control, until you figure out whether this relationship even has long term potential.

6 months seems short, but as she lives close, we’ve seen each other almost everyday. Due to age concerns, we made a decision to try for kids as it won’t get any easier over 40. Why is it guaranteed to be a disaster?

[Lamron300]

7 hours ago, Sony12 said:

You definitely aren't on the same wave length with each other. It doesn't really sound like she even really wants to get married again right now.

And yeah if having kids is that important to you you probably should be dating women more your age or perhaps a little younger. She honestly sounds like she would be a better fit dating a man who already has kids than a childless younger man who really wants to have kids.

Our communication is fine 90% of the time, it’s this last week, which has been a problem. I’ve decided I’ll never talk to her about work again. Seems extreme but I’ve learnt in life, sometimes our problems are our problems. I’m not saying she has always been dismissive when I’ve talked about it, the opposite but seems now I can’t rely on her input/to listen. 
 

I really do want kids. What is the time you’re supposed to wait? If I started again with someone else it would be back to square one of a possible 3-5 year cycle to get to a place where you may not even reach. 

[Lamron300]

2 hours ago, Els said:

6 months AND your "first actual adult relationship"? Ooooof. 

Dude I think you need to slow way down. Yes, at 40 she is at the end of her childbearing years, however that is not your responsibility. You should not feel pressured to provide a person you've only known for 6 months with what they want.

What do YOU want? Do you really want kids here and now, with her? If you don't, stop having unprotected sex right now. Tell her kids are off the table until you two have been together for longer and have resolved your other issues.

You realize that having kids with someone ties you to them for 18 years at the absolute minimum, right? 

I do want kids and have always wanted kids. I wasted time with people who didn’t want the same thing in the past. The issue is I want marriage and kids and she is 40. Usually it is best to wait years into a relationship and time is on your side. This isn’t the case. Obviously I haven’t got anyone pregnant so I don’t know about my own fertility. I do agree that it’s not a reversible decision and is high risk. 
 

She tells me she loves me so so much and I guess some of her actions show that, but it’s still a big commitment. She says stuff that also confuses me like when/if we move in together she wants to put her stuff in storage as she knows what it’s like to leave a relationship with nothing and start all over again and doesn’t want it to happen. Yet feels like she is willing to proceed with kids but have a plan b backup. When I ask what will happen you will need to start again, she always says I dunno, life events, most couples don’t make it etc. I want to enjoy relationship but it is also making me think to protect myself. 

[ShyViolet]

51 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

6 months seems short, but as she lives close, we’ve seen each other almost everyday. Due to age concerns, we made a decision to try for kids as it won’t get any easier over 40. Why is it guaranteed to be a disaster?

It doesn't matter if you've seen each other almost every day.... 6 months is not enough time to get to know someone on a deep level.  There's still a lot you don't know about her and about your compatibility with her as a couple.  When you're dating someone, things about the person's personality and your compatibility continue to come out over the course of the first year or more.  It's concerning that you're so naive about this.  It should be common sense that 6 months of dating is not enough time to make life-altering commitments such as getting pregnant or marriage.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

Our communication is fine 90% of the time, it’s this last week, which has been a problem. I’ve decided I’ll never talk to her about work again.

I would suggest that a better solution is to find a partner who is caring and there for you when you need an ear.  

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think she sees you as a life parnter at all. Just a sperm donor.  If you go through with this cockamamie idea, prepare to be a single parent.

You sound like a smart businessman, but your common sense and life-smarts here have taken a leave of absence.

Edited October 11 by ExpatInItaly

[S2B]

13 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

It’s interesting to see an outsiders view, hence why I posted on this topic. I appreciate your straight to the point advice. 
 

I do want kids, quite badly. But as you’ve said, what about if we do have kids and things go wrong and now all I’ve got out of it is baggage. At least with most relationships I can walk away and the other party, with no ties. 
 

Im thinking if she was committed to getting married I may feel different, but why is she willing to have kids but funny on the subject of marriage. Having a kid is more tied down that marriage. I also can’t be bothered to delve into people’s hang up’s about relationships as it brings out a lot of negativity. 
 

It’s a minefield. I feel good with her 95% of the time and she has said I can change my mind about kids if I want. 

Of course you can change your mind! You don’t need her permission to do that!

why is she setting the rules? What about what you want?

first up, what about a supportive partner who listens when you’ve had a bad day? Why consider her as your partner when you can’t share your struggles and joys with her? 
she’s not a good partner if she isn’t willing to share basic everyday life with you. 
 

and you certainly don’t want to have kids with someone who is that self centered and self serving! 

[Lamron300]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

I would suggest that a better solution is to find a partner who is caring and there for you when you need an ear.  

But how do you know when someone is having a blip or if it is who they are? She didn’t say not to talk to her about my issues, but did say it’s tiring etc.

We have had another ‘discussion’ this morning, which has left me quite distressed and confused. She has had a cold for the last few days and on Thursday she asked if I want her to come round mine on Friday.  I said of course, why not. I have two dogs, and she doesn’t own her place, she rents so can’t have dogs there. I come to her house either in daytime or I’ll stay from midnight till like 4am to get back to the dogs. Anyway, this morning I told her I’m dreading going into London for a gig due to traffic etc. She then said since knowing you I know sometimes you’re not great at executing plans, which will probably be hard for me (this isn’t true, but I decided to hear her out). She then said like yesterday I knew she had a cold, she was thinking, why didn’t I offer to go to her place? I was astounded, as our places are only 15 mins apart and she knows that the only reason I didn’t go instead of her coming to me is due to the dogs. And if she wanted me to come to her instead, she could have just said. Basic communication. I was free from 4pm, she didn’t finish work till 9pm. I could’ve gone to her. But in her head she cooked it up as I don’t put effort. She also then tried to say I don’t plan stuff, when I do and the part which made me touchy is holidays. I paid for a holiday for us in June and I said that I’m happy to go for another one, I’m just sorting out work stuff as it’s quiet now. I know she isn’t money motivated, so why would she bring holiday up as me not planning stuff? What if I can’t afford it?? It wasn’t really resolved to my satisfaction and now I just feel like I’m not speaking/responding to WhatsApp messages to clear my head. 
 

I know she is going through things but is this just an attempt to self sabotage or cause arguments out of nothing? 

[Lamron300]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think she sees you as a life parnter at all. Just a sperm donor.  If you go through with this cockamamie idea, prepare to be a single parent.

You sound like a smart businessman, but your common sense and life-smarts here have taken a leave of absence.

Why do you feel that? I’m very careful not to make someone sound bad online as it’s a handful of moments. I do have concerns though that the pregnancy would be more important than the relationship. As she does seem more keen to have a child with me than to get married. In my head, I feel we are good together and because of age factors I did abandon all conventional wisdom. Now I’m starting to feel negative.