cygny Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I'd like to keep this to a mature discussion if we could. I'm sure many appreciate your sarcasm, but in this case, I'm really more interested in hearing opinions, not who's right or wrong. They are much more questions than assumptions, based on the experience of some of the men here. I haven't said what is absolutely true in each and every situation. In Cygny's case, she said she wants a man that has a lot going on in his life. Wouldn't you know it, that many is busy. He's aloof. Doesn't call often, doesn't text or email much, is not always available, etc. When I say aloof, it doesn't mean he has something wrong with him in general. It means that he's busy, or at least to his S/O, it seems that he is not always readily available. Think about it. If a guy is at your beck and call, where's the intrigue? Where's the mystery? Where's the fun? Women and men want to think/know they have someone who's worth having. Given that, do you not agree that a man who eaves nothing for you to wonder about him has not at least to some degree lost some luster? I would definitely like to hear some responses from more women. some girls do like the silent type but i'm not one of them. ok...maybe its choice of words...but aloof has a stand-offish quality about it almost stuck-up. i don't like that. busy is not aloof, busy is busy, he can be very friendly and busy. he can call me a couple of times a day if there is alot going on his life or if has a great sense of humour and 'keeps the ball in the air' so to speak. He can be very open with me too if what he is doing and talking about is exciting. its a matter of boredom and predictability. so...aloof can be just as boring as too available if he's not doing anything interesting or if he doesn't have much of a sense of humour...although it may be easier for him to hide it. its better to think of it in terms of having a focus in life slightly to the left of your SO.
Devils Advocate Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Silly question to ask of women. Asking for dating advice from women is like going to a loanshark for financial counseling. You're only going to get told what will benefit the loanshark. Ask this question from men who have the type of women you want and follow their advice, it's the only type that matters. There was a question brought up in another thread about "playing games to win women" or being who you are. Women are attracted to men who are aloof, whom they have to work a bit at to get. They are not attracted to men who lay all their cards on the table during courting. We know that isn't attractive at all. Many men just don't understand how to be a bit reserved during the first part of dating. We know it's a sort of 'cat and mouse' game. Show one card, but not the entire deck. Be unpredictable, be interesting, be fun and above all, be confident and self-assured. Now, some men don't know how to do this yet. Yes, they understand that's how they need to be but feel uncomfortable working on being more aloof and a bit of catch. They feel that changes who they are. But if they don't change, they will scare off most women they meet. And what if they become that person and don't open up anymore. How does it effect the relationship later down the road? I've seen a lot of divorce topics here and most can be summed up with "I don't love him anymore..." and it can be traced down to either he's complacement or he doesn't generate that spark. You know, the spark you had when first dating? Perhaps it's because now that all his cards are on the table, you have nothing to keep the relationship fresh? What DO women want? I realize not all men can change and the thought of playing a game to win someone is not appealing to everyone. It's only a game if you have to 'act' that way to keep someone interested. If it isn't you then it's fake. So ladies, when you are dating a man, what keeps your interest? After you've been dating and the relationship progresses, what KEEPS your interest? What would keep your interest after marriage? And really, I would love to hear your top 10 list of must haves in a man. I realize it's a long post with a lot of questions but, inquiring minds (men) want to know.
Outcast Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 It means that he's busy, or at least to his S/O, it seems that he is not always readily available. Which means, to his S/O, that she's not that important. So stuff him. Think about it. If a guy is at your beck and call, where's the intrigue? Where's the mystery? Where's the fun? If I want 'intrigue' and 'mystery', I'll go to a movie or read a book. Or watch Law and Order. Where's the 'fun'? It's what happens when you spend time with someone you enjoy and share experiences and communicate and be open with each other. Women and men want to think/know they have someone who's worth having. And you know that when you know a person very well. I'm with Blah 100% The spark should not come from game-playing. That is a fake, worthless spark. The spark should come from you marvelling daily at what an incredible person your partner is. If they can knock your socks off permanently because of who they are, you know it was meant to be. Given that, do you not agree that a man who eaves nothing for you to wonder about him has not at least to some degree lost some luster? Well, if it turns out that there's nothing wonderful about him, yes. I think the whole idea of playing games and being mysterious is hiding that you're not much of a guy to start off with. If you have great qualities, then let them shine. If some guy plays 'aloof' and 'mysterious', I assume that he's masking the fact that there's nothing at all interesting about him so he has to pretend there is. Asking for dating advice from women is like going to a loanshark for financial counseling. You're only going to get told what will benefit the loanshark. Right. Women aren't looking for good men. They just tell you they want good men so that you'll be good and then they'll end up with nobody. DA that has got to be one of the craziest things I have ever seen posted.
Yamaha Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Silly question to ask of women. Asking for dating advice from women is like going to a loanshark for financial counseling. You're only going to get told what will benefit the loanshark. Ask this question from men who have the type of women you want and follow their advice, it's the only type that matters. Amen!!!!!!!!
blind_otter Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Asking for dating advice from women is like going to a loanshark for financial counseling. You're only going to get told what will benefit the loanshark. Ask this question from men who have the type of women you want and follow their advice, it's the only type that matters. Apparently you guys should be asking for dating advice from men... ......... Have you ever heard of "the blind leading the blind"?? :lmao: sigh. I think I just peed my pants.
PlentyLV007 Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I'm going to say it the way I see it, "majority" of woman/men want what they can't have (even myself).....The majority of woman/men settle because they crave and want the attention. Everbody wants to be loved, wanted cherished and appreciated! We go through all kinds of screwed up dates that have us loosing hope. I like someone who is funny, attractive and keeps me wanting more! More time to see him, more time to touch him, crave for him, and to get to know him more. Yet there is always the questions, the over analyzing, the insecurity, the fronts, the holdbacks, the denials, the games, being naive and doing anything possible for him/her to call or want to hang around. Putting your cards out on the table, hoping he reads them right and not tries to cheat them or change them. I've tried all kinds of strategies and different approaches, Fronting, being 100% me, being honest, lying, playing the "playa playa" and even showing that I want to be loved. None have worked! I try to think back....w/ my whole ex...how did we work? What kept us wanting to be toghether? The complications? Seeing him date other girls? Him seeing me date other guys? Not knowing what we wanted at first? Denying our pleasures, denying wanting a relationship? Testing each other? Pushing buttons to see how far we can? I mean it's all one big test?! The only thing I can advise is follow her lead. There's a saying..."I didn't chose him/her, he/she chose me!" So...just go by her actions...actions speak louder than words. =)
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Silly question to ask of women. Asking for dating advice from women is like going to a loanshark for financial counseling. You're only going to get told what will benefit the loanshark. Ask this question from men who have the type of women you want and follow their advice, it's the only type that matters. Thank God I have a great sense of humor...
SmoochieFace Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 ..."majority" of woman/men want what they can't have... This has got to be one of the most overused cliches in existence... and it is absolutely ridiculous. Why do people even subscribe to this silly concept? There are LOTS of things I *can't have* - and I do not waste any of my time pining over them. It's just crazy.
Outcast Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 "majority" of woman/men want what they can't have (even myself).....The majority of woman/men settle because they crave and want the attention. That would be the 'majority' of girls. Grownups don't like games because games are for kids.
a4a Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Apparently you guys should be asking for dating advice from men... ......... Have you ever heard of "the blind leading the blind"?? :lmao: sigh. I think I just peed my pants. thanks for that one..... wet meself too! :lmao: a4a- save a horse ride a cowboy
PlentyLV007 Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 That would be the 'majority' of girls. Grownups don't like games because games are for kids. Not everyone in here is a grown up including myself....so that is probably why I use it and do believe it. I'm still a rookie here so....what can I say....to me that's how it's been and the only thing I can do...is better myself....every day....
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Not everyone in here is a grown up including myself....so that is probably why I use it and do believe it. I'm still a rookie here so....what can I say....to me that's how it's been and the only thing I can do...is better myself....every day.... Maturity is a good thing. Strive for it and don't settle for less. Childish mentality only hurts you in the long run. Youth is not an excuse for childishness, especially when you're given all the tips and tricks and you refuse them because you're "not a grownup yet". Growing up is not synonymous with growing old, it's synonymous with finally getting things right.
PlentyLV007 Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Maturity is a good thing. Strive for it and don't settle for less. Childish mentality only hurts you in the long run. Youth is not an excuse for childishness, especially when you're given all the tips and tricks and you refuse them because you're "not a grownup yet". Growing up is not synonymous with growing old, it's synonymous with finally getting things right. GREAT! I agree! That's one thing I need to learn as I go..."don't settle for less"! I'm working on it!!! Thanks!
Lil Honey Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I have noticed that it is the women that I DON'T want that seem to want me most. That happens to women as well. I am always a gentleman, listen when women talk (actually listen, not just pretend), make them laugh (I"m good at that, which is AWESOME!), I have a great job that I enjoy immensely, I have never been married and I have no children of my own--but I love kids and animals, especially dogs (and dogs LOVE me), I am 6'4" and weigh about 250 (just dropped about 30lbs! AWESOME!), I have a full head of hair, I get a manicure to make sure my hands look nice (on the recommendation of a girlfriend of mine), I am well-educated, I am popular and my company is actively sought after, I am always clean and dress with a sense of style that generates compliments often (AWESOME!), I am bigger than average but not freakishly HUGE or anything, I am a sensetive and attentive lover, enjoy cuddling, I am devoted, honest, and I pride myself on my strength of character. And NONE of that seems to matter at all. It would matter to me. You sound like a catch. It just seems like if a woman knows you want them they don't want you. Find a woman who has been in a relationship that didn't make her feel wanted . . . I do kind of feel like i have "missed my window", though.I thought that at 45, I'd be forever single, if I got divorced. I got divorced and well . . . strange things happen when one stops trying . . . couples who want babies relax, adopt and then get PG . . . single people relax, stop looking and then bump into someone.
lindya Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Asking for dating advice from women is like going to a loanshark for financial counseling. You're only going to get told what will benefit the loanshark. Ask this question from men who have the type of women you want and follow their advice, it's the only type that matters. I don't see the logic here. There's an inherent assumption in your statement that women give advice that benefits themselves whilst men are more inclined to give advice that is altruistic and designed only to help the advice-seeker. Ask another man how you can go about getting a girlfriend like his, and he may try to seriously help you...or he might just seize your question as an opportunity to "big himself up". To indulge in a little machismo rather than to seriously and objectively explore the issue of what makes some men more successful than others in the dating game. I think threads dealing with this subject demonstrate that time and time again. Often the advice dispensers are less concerned with genuinely helping the poster, and more concerned with using the thread to portray a tough, "take no prisoners" online persona that they would probably hesitate to employ in their real life dating exploits. A case of using this board to play out a fantasy existence. The men I know who have most success on the dating front tend to have male and female friends - and they seek and use advice from a variety of people rather than relying on one particular source. There are a clearly a lot of posters here who try very hard to give honest, well thought out and objective advice on this board. There are also some of both genders whose advice is tinged with bitterness stemming from their own personal experiences. Whilst the hostility those people have towards the opposite sex might be understandable, it's unfortunate that they don't seek to address it before purporting to offer advice to other people who are trying, in good faith, to improve their love lives.
Outcast Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I don't see the logic here. That would be because there isn't any to see.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Oh gosh, BO, I missed you while you were gone! I'm so glad you're back!
Moai Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 It's obvious that Moai isn't having any problems attracting women - he did say that there are women who *want* him. The catch is that he doesn't want them. Yep. It's true. So... the next question is this: What sort of women *want* you and why are you not taking them up on it? That's a good question. It isn't so much that I don't want them physically, it' just that i don't feel all that much for them emotionally. The ones I feel strongly for emotionally are almost without exception crazy and bad news. I didn't even realize that until several months ago. A friend of mine read a book that suggested that we have relationships with people in hopes of "fixing" a previous relationship through them, and for me at least that is all too true. But I am aware of the behavior and I am actively trying to chane that. That is part of why I take the time to dress better and stuff like that. It is easier to change yourself than it is to change the world. I am very happy with the results so far, I must say... Pada did hit a good point. You seem to be a bit of a perfectionist. Are you looking for that in women? Is that why you are not giving those *other* women a chance - because they are not *perfect*? It is interesting that me being a "perfectionist" is somehow coming through, because nothing could be further from the truth. But then, maybe there is something to it. I don't know. I'll have to think about that. I am attracted to all shapes and sizes--although a pretty face is more important to me than anything. I'd rather have a pretty woman who is overweight than less of a beauty with a killer body. It isn't that I don't give them a chance, it's just that I don't feel that emotionally involved, that's all. The last woman I got all crazy over was an extraordinary beauty, but had serious psychological issues. Not only did I have that stupid "I can fix her" thing going, but I also had that "martyr" thing thrown in for good measure. It felt right because my first serious relationship was with a woman who was pretty messed up, too, so it "felt" like a relationship. I repeated that cycle a lot, but I suddenly became aware of it and I am trying not to do that anymore. I don't think that I have ever thought about what I want in a woman. Maybe I should. I am seeing a woman now who is really nice and really digs me, so I think that is going to be the criteria I go by from now on--not how much I want them. I obviously want the wrong ones.
Lil Honey Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 The problem is that men and women are being bombarded with information that is . . . well . . . basically wrong . . . or at least, doesn't fit everyone. Women get erroneous info that leads them to think that they have to be a size two and half-dressed. And of course some men buy into thinking that all women are like that (or should be) and they "deserve" to have that - because the guy on TV has a woman like that. With no effort in building character, people get conned into thinking that if they drive the right car, wear the right cologne, and shampoo their hair with expensive shampoo Mr./Mrs. Perfect will be on the doorstep. Sadly, some folks even go so far as to leave their self-respect behind (or never had it to begin with) to get the attention of the opposite sex. Our society "puts up with" poor behavior simply because a person has money (see some of the sports stars and other celebrities). People seem to think that others have to have ALL the qualities on some list. People are HUMAN, yet it doesn't seem that there is any bending. Of course, if relationship isn't working, folks have the right to bail. BUT, what did BOTH people do BEFORE the relationship to even get to know each other? Or did they just hop in the sack? So, you've known the guy for three months. Big deal. If a person doesn't sit back and do some observing and information gathering before getting involved, I'm hard-pressed to feel sorry for them when they complain that their partner is out at the bar most nights or playing video games while their relationship is going down the toilet. I don't know where people got this sense of entitlement for everything . . .
SmoochieFace Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I don't know where people got this sense of entitlement for everything . . . I'm in the same boat as you, LH. I don't understand this *entitlement* thing as well.
Moai Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 That happens to women as well. Yeah. It's a drag. It would matter to me. You sound like a catch. Thanks! I like to think so. But I am 41, and I am still in no hurry. Over the last year or so I have changed a lot. Find a woman who has been in a relationship that didn't make her feel wanted . . . It seems that there are quite a few of them out there. I thought that at 45, I'd be forever single, if I got divorced. I got divorced and well . . . strange things happen when one stops trying . . . couples who want babies relax, adopt and then get PG . . . single people relax, stop looking and then bump into someone. I have heard that many times. It would be nice if there was a "looking" switch you could just turn off and then *poof* there she is. It does seem that people are more attracted to a challenge, though.
honeybunch2k5 Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I can't believe I forgot HONESTY. I guess maybe that should go without saying.
SmoochieFace Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 It does seem that people are more attracted to a challenge, though. Could be true but doesn't apply to me. I am not attracted to women who are *challenges*. I have no inclination to play any *games*.
lindya Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I'm in the same boat as you, LH. I don't understand this *entitlement* thing as well. I think people often adopt an arrogant sense of entitlement in the belief that this will lend them an aristocratic air. Everyone wants the VIP treatment, but there just aren't enough red carpets and admiring crowds to go around.
SmoochieFace Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Everyone wants the VIP treatment, but there just aren't enough red carpets and admiring crowds to go around. Nope. Count me out of that crowd. They can have their red carpets and admiring crowds... I'm quite happy without all that nonsense. 1
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