SmoochieFace Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Only because the first 8 qualities are givens. What do you mean by *givens*? Are you saying that the vast majority of women want those eight things? Do you think that most women want guys who are *right-brained*, for example? What's wrong with *left-brained* men?
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Think about it. If a guy is at your beck and call, where's the intrigue? Where's the mystery? Where's the fun? Women and men want to think/know they have someone who's worth having. Given that, do you not agree that a man who eaves nothing for you to wonder about him has not at least to some degree lost some luster? No. He loses luster when I am left wondering. When I know for sure that everything about him is perfect for me, that's when his "luster" skyrockets.
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 What do you mean by *givens*? Are you saying that the vast majority of women want those eight things? Do you think that most women want guys who are *right-brained*, for example? What's wrong with *left-brained* men? When I say "givens" I mean that nothing about these qualities is open to interpretation, so there's no need to go into detailed description about them. Of course not all women care about these things. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with left-brained men, I just don't really click with them.
slubberdegullion Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I have never lied to anyone I have dated. I've always been sincere and honest. In this last case, I was much farther ahead of her in the dating process and as such, my honesty about my feelings ended the relationship. Had I just shut up and gone with the flow we'd probably still be dating. This is SO true! "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain
Lil Honey Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I'm not attracted to aloofness. That doesn't even make sense to me. I would get the impression that the other person isn't interested in even speaking to me, if he is aloof. I would also think that he is egotistical to think that it's all about him. Arrogance is a deal-breaker. My top ten (not necessarily in this order): honest dependable hard-working kind to others/affectionate to me and mine/his kids mannerly sense of humor strong character clean good communication skills (including listening skills) prompt (sounds like a little thing, but I have my reasons LOL )
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Oh, I almost forgot the single most important quality in a man: INTEGRITY! I can't believe I left that out. I guess it just seemed so obvious, I didn't even think of it.
slubberdegullion Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Oh, I almost forgot the single most important quality in a man: INTEGRITY! I can't believe I left that out. I guess it just seemed so obvious, I didn't even think of it. I see this often, but it seems to be one of those qualities that's hard to define, or at least the definition can be different from person to person. So, when you say "integrity," what do you mean specifically, and how is that manifested in a person (man or woman)?
lindya Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Some of us aren't intrigued by intrigue. I confess to enjoying a certain amount of intrigue, but there has to be something genuinely interesting underneath all the cloak and daggerness. That's where instincts come into play. With some guys I'll feel very quickly that they're trying to create a sense of mystery and excitement but that there's nothing noteworthy underneath all the smoke, mirrors and drama. Then there are others who have a reasonably straightforward air about them, but are reserved about certain personal matters. Neither too trusting nor too mistrustful. In general I find those understated men more interesting, because it takes time to get to know who they are. If they don't oversell themselves at the start, but you get a good feeling about them, there are often pleasant surprises in store as you "discover" them.
Moai Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I have read through the posts in this thread, and it has been eye-opening, to say the least. But I am curious: Why is it, when I am all of the things that have been listed in the many "top tens" that I am either seen as a friend or feel like I am getting the short end of the stick in the relationship? Sure, some of it can be chaulked up to the women I have chosen, but that doesn't explain all of it. I have noticed that it is the women that I DON'T want that seem to want me most. And I look at my behavior, and it seems like the more "aloof" I am, the more they flock. I am always a gentleman, listen when women talk (actually listen, not just pretend), make them laugh (I"m good at that, which is AWESOME!), I have a great job that I enjoy immensely, I have never been married and I have no children of my own--but I love kids and animals, especially dogs (and dogs LOVE me), I am 6'4" and weigh about 250 (just dropped about 30lbs! AWESOME!), I have a full head of hair, I get a manicure to make sure my hands look nice (on the recommendation of a girlfriend of mine), I am well-educated, I am popular and my company is actively sought after, I am always clean and dress with a sense of style that generates compliments often (AWESOME!), I am bigger than average but not freakishly HUGE or anything, I am a sensetive and attentive lover, enjoy cuddling, I am devoted, honest, and I pride myself on my strength of character. And NONE of that seems to matter at all. What does seem to matter is if I am nice but distant. If I don't make her feel "special" I get whatever I want, at least initially. I have never pursued any of them so I don't know how it would turn out if a long-term relationship occurred. And I don't do it on purpose AT ALL. I am always myself, as I figure why pretend to be what I am not when I want to be around the woman I love all the time, no matter what either of us is going through, so what good would it do to be who I am not? It just seems like if a woman knows you want them they don't want you. And the drag is that I am unable to create that sense when I DO want them. I have tried, but I can't do it. It must come out in my body language or something. I am not lamenting my situation or anything, as I am happy single, or in a relationship at this point in my life. I do kind of feel like i have "missed my window", though. Why does it seem that women say they want one thing but act as if they want the other? I am very, very intrigued by this...
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I see this often, but it seems to be one of those qualities that's hard to define, or at least the definition can be different from person to person. So, when you say "integrity," what do you mean specifically, and how is that manifested in a person (man or woman)? Ahh, it IS complicated, isn't it? It's this whole concept of, well, WHOLENESS of character... that's the literal definition of the word and it's pretty much the only way to define it... What are some elements of integrity? Sincerity Empathy Strength of conviction Morality, however he chooses to define his own Trustworthiness Responsibility Self-awareness Respect for self and others equally Et cetera... it's more a package than a single quality... it's character.
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 It just seems like if a woman knows you want them they don't want you. And the drag is that I am unable to create that sense when I DO want them. I have tried, but I can't do it. It must come out in my body language or something. You're probably one of the many guys who tries too hard when he's interested in a woman, instead of just relaxing and being yourself. Anxiety is repellent to most women.
lindya Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I am always a gentleman, listen when women talk (actually listen, not just pretend), make them laugh (I"m good at that, which is AWESOME!), I have a great job that I enjoy immensely, I have never been married and I have no children of my own--but I love kids and animals, especially dogs (and dogs LOVE me), I am 6'4" and weigh about 250 (just dropped about 30lbs! AWESOME!), I have a full head of hair, I get a manicure to make sure my hands look nice (on the recommendation of a girlfriend of mine), I am well-educated, I am popular and my company is actively sought after, I am always clean and dress with a sense of style that generates compliments often (AWESOME!), I am bigger than average but not freakishly HUGE or anything, I am a sensetive and attentive lover, enjoy cuddling, I am devoted, honest, and I pride myself on my strength of character. And NONE of that seems to matter at all. What does seem to matter is if I am nice but distant. Nice but distant is less threatening. It gives a woman time to make up her mind what she thinks and how she feels about you. I think there are a lot of guys on this board who advocate an approach that in many ways could be effective insofar as it discourages men from being too full on and making the targets of their interest feel crowded or rushed into deciding how they feel about the men in question. The problem is that this "interested but slightly distant" approach always seems to be couched in negative, misogynistic terms that involve manipulating the woman or making her feel insecure. Fine to create some distance so that both parties have the opportunity to admire eachother from afar and build up their level of interest in eachother. Less fine to create a hostile barrier that will either prevent a relationship from being built, or set a pattern for communication problems throughout any relationship that does transpire.
blind_otter Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 What does seem to matter is if I am nice but distant. If I don't make her feel "special" I get whatever I want, at least initially. I have never pursued any of them so I don't know how it would turn out if a long-term relationship occurred. What? Who are you dating? I dislike aloof men. I've never liked them. It makes me feel freaked out and insecure and unstable when guys hide things or treat me distantly. Of course I respond like a finely tuned instrument to charmer/abuser personalities, so there ya go. I like attention to be lavished and heaped upon me. I like to be spoiled. Even the abusive men I dated were obsessively attentive to me.
Nur Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 My list used to be different than it is now, but my boyfriend has opened my eyes to some of the most important things to value. These are in no particular order. 1.) Intellectual bond. This means we can have interesting, engaging discussions. I think it's important for my SO to have an IQ near mine, and have an interest in debating or discussing the abstract, since that's a great interest of mine. 2.) Communication. I need to be able to speak openly, without fear of an angry or close-down reaction if, say, I percieve a problem between us. This way we can work on solving what's wrong, not getting angry and saying things we don't mean. The same should apply for him -- it's vital that we be able to voice concerns or opinions calmly, tactfully, and understandingly to better what exists between us. 3.) Trust. The occasional mild jealously is cute, but there should be an underlying and heartfelt sense of loyalty between us. I need to be able to be confident that he has my heart -- that he adores me to the extent (or more) that I adore him, and that if there is a problem between us we will work to solve it, not drop each other at the blink of an eye and rush off to potentially greener fields. 4.) Stability. Though I am a college student now, I will look for someone in a secure major who intends to get a well-paid job. He doesn't have to be overly ambitious (for, if he were, then he'd never be home, but always at the job) but willing to put in effort at the job -- as long as he keeps family first. 5.) Attractiveness. Do I mean model-quality? No. But his features must strike me as charming, and there must be chemistry between us. I think everyone wants to feel desired. Physical attractiveness, of course, varies from person to person. I've been attracted to men of all races, provided they have soulful eyes, decent features, and the broad-shouldered thin-hipped build; not the stocky build, although I think I could fall in love with a stocky guy if there were chemistry between us. 6.) Character. This is a make-or-break. I have seen many guys who are bright, good-looking, great to talk with, but spineless. They might peer at every hot girl they see, or go out partying four times a week, getting totally wasted. True character is so rare among people, and soooo important. It is the foundation of my respect for someone. 7.) Chivalry. Hold the door, hold my hand. Treat me like the lady I am, and be the gentleman you are. Chivalry shows that a man is thoughtful and considerate and attentive. My heart swells with adoration when I see my boyfriend holding the door for plain girls, or fat ones, or old ladies, because it's not because he's trying to impress them, or get anything from it -- he's just genuinely a sweet guy. 8.) Knowledge of how to have fun. Like some other girls who posted before me, it's important he's not one-dimensional. I tend to be rather serious, but love to have a great time as well. My boyfriend can be it all -- serious when he needs to be, but lighthearted at other times, and he loves to go out dancing or singing along to the radio, and his energy is contageous. 9.) Family-oriented. In his heart, family must come first. When men are younger you can notice this by how well they treat their parents -- ideally with respect and love -- and if they are willing to do a bit around the house, not be a "cleaning is for women" kind of guy. For me a relationship is a partnership -- we will both work, both make decisions, and both take care of the house tasks. 10.) Similar values. We need to see fairly eye-to-eye. One of us can't be a religious dogmatic and the other one a practicer of witchcraft. No left-wing fanatics paired with right-wing conservatives. I'm not saying we'd need to agree on everything -- sometimes a difference of perception is interesting -- but we both need to have the same priorities and the same goals in life, otherwise we'll naturally grow apart. Phew, that about takes care of it. And guys like that, as rare as they are, do exist. I have proof. ;P And, remember, one of the most important things is that you must be a woman who deserves someone like this. This is what I expect of him, but I expect no less of myself, and we both work to make ourselves better people.
Forever Searching Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 What keeps me interested is how the man treats me. Is he able to maintain the above 10 qualities for the distance or is it only to "get me". Can he manage all 10 and still be romantic and loving and not forget the little things?? I couldn't care less about him leaving the lid up- or for that matter, the toothpaste top. I just want to be treated well on a daily basis. EXACTLY!! The little things that guys do that make you feel important and spcecial get me all the time!!! If a guy is aloof then it just frustrates me and then I feel like he's a jerk and I'm wasting my time.
basscatcher Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I have read through the posts in this thread, and it has been eye-opening, to say the least....... I wonder this about you: *Do you groom yourself so you look to perfect? Ex: not a hair out of place? *Are your clothes perfect? Woman are generally caretakers--if we see you need a little upkeep it is attractive-we feel needed. *Do you have a soft voice or deep voice? *Do you take the lead in situations with the woman or do you give her the lead? *Do you get your hands dirty? Ex: work on your own cars, dig in the dirt, go fishing-camping, etc? *Do you ever where (clean of course) old, beaten clothes when going to the gas station, grocery shopping, pick up fast food? (Ambercrombie and Fitch make this look for sexual attraction-they know what women are attracted too.) *Are you careful not to step over a woman boundrys? Most women like when a man steps a little over her boundries and expresses his interest in her early on (like a flirty touch or in-eundoes). If you wait to long you will get put in the friendship category... *Do you show your manly testostrone when watching sports? *Do you have feminine movements? Ex: the way you walk or shake hands, flip your hair, etc? These are questions that I'm wondering about. The way you described yourself all I could think about was he sounds: too clean, too perfect, a perfectionist, too metro-sexual, too curtious, maybe too sappy-touchy-feely when you described yourself. All the things you said about yourself arent bad. They are attractive but I was wondering if you had any cowboy-contractor-mechanic-biker-sports man type manners about you?
SmoochieFace Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 It's obvious that Moai isn't having any problems attracting women - he did say that there are women who *want* him. The catch is that he doesn't want them. So... the next question is this: What sort of women *want* you and why are you not taking them up on it? Pada did hit a good point. You seem to be a bit of a perfectionist. Are you looking for that in women? Is that why you are not giving those *other* women a chance - because they are not *perfect*?
blind_otter Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I've never even considered having a list of qualities for potential mates. Maybe that's why I have had such a weird history when dating. But I would feel like a heel, even thinking about carrying around a list and comparing potential mates makes me feel weird and uncomfortable.
clynn Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 It's obvious that Moai isn't having any problems attracting women - he did say that there are women who *want* him. The catch is that he doesn't want them. I think that for some people it just takes longer to meet the person, that's all. Some people are more inclined to being in a relationship and if they are in one they find themselves readily in a new one. Others (like me) - while I love being in a relationship, I also find I've had long periods of single-ness (which I've had fun with also) -- I think that this is just the way it is. The more he analyzes and over-analyzes what he may be doing "wrong" may shake his confidence. He's probably perfectly wonderful and just simply hasn't met that girl yet.
clynn Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I've never even considered having a list of qualities for potential mates. Maybe that's why I have had such a weird history when dating. But I would feel like a heel, even thinking about carrying around a list and comparing potential mates makes me feel weird and uncomfortable. I'm the same way. I've never had a list. The type of men I've dated have been quite different from each other. I think I go more on impulse, instinct, moments. Then just jumping in and seeing if it works or not.
Admiral Thrawn Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Go to the library, pick up and read romance novels written by women for women to get insights. Look at the traits of the male character.
blind_otter Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Go to the library, pick up and read romance novels written by women for women to get insights. Look at the traits of the male character. Vomit. Repeat as necessary. Your instructions read like directions. Also I've read a number of romance novels, as cheap pulp fiction and mindless entertainment, like the written version of videonovelas. All the characters are mindless and 2-dimensional. So hey, if you want to date a cardboard cut out... 1
basscatcher Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I don't typically have a list either but I do look for certain qualities that definetly are turn-on's and make men more appealing to me... For instince in no particular order: slightly firm stocky build, taller then me by at least 3 inches, smiles a lot, looks into my eyes, touches me, has a defined butt in jeans, has callus's on his hands, I tend to prefer long hair or no hair), stable employement, good listener and communicator, sense of humor but doesn't direct rude or sarcastic humor at me or about me, is adaptable to different kinds of people, shares similar morals and values as I do, is active not lethargic, likes music and doesn't mind dancing even if he can't, a biggie for me is prefer a man who is catholic so there is mutual understanding of our ethics, must love children, must have a good level of patience, is supportive and knows when to give me that little push when I start to flake out on myself. He must be logical but balance that with ability to be open minded past his logic. He doesn't have to like my friends or family but he tolerates them and treats them respectfully. There is more but this is a good start to whether or not I want to persue into a serious relationship or just companionship for the time being to learn, grow and have experiences with temporarily. I can't put down a solid list. I value more qualities then looks. Quality being character, morals and values. Looks are important when it comes to physical attraction but I can't have one without some form of the other.
BlahBlahQueen Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 Vomit. Repeat as necessary. lmfao!!! So true. I force-fed myself a couple of romance novels in jail because there was nothing else to read, and those male heroes were gag-worthy. I remember wondering what woman would actually be aroused by these characters.
Mz. Pixie Posted January 17, 2006 Posted January 17, 2006 I don't have a specific list but those qualities are what I know will work for me in a relationship.
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