Not supporting wife when I believe she’s wrong - and her reaction

[glows]

13 hours ago, BMI03 said:

Totally agree. Like I said in my earlier post, my mind always goes to understanding cause and effect. That desire to understand ‘why’ is sometimes mistook by some as looking for an excuse. I am not. It doesn’t excuse it. It was plain old inappropriate as I have stated. What that explanation is, is an explanation to why I continue to stay despite her inappropriate behavior…because I understand the life sequences that have brought her here.
 

She. Has started the path with her first psychologist appointment. It maybtake a few to find someone aligned correctly for her but I’m happy to see that. 
 

thanks again

You’re both very different. She just needs to understand that her actions and reactions affect the people around her and learn to react proportionately to the situation not flip out like a total maniac bc she’s asked to move by professionals doing their job. Controlling the alcohol intake is a start and embarrassing for her to think she’s above everyone else just because she has childhood trauma and is a doctor. Please. That’s plain arrogance and lack of respect for others in the first place drinking herself silly like she’s a teenager allowed to sleep over at besties for the first time with no parents around. 

I can appreciate you love her and built a life with her so your lenses are all kinds of colours and special fondness. It doesn’t negate the fact that she’s a shitty human who doesn’t mitigate risk factors(alcohol) that exacerbate the problem(her spiralling mental health). 

I hope you continue to take care of yourself without getting lost in this person’s issues in all the analysis. It helps to take a breather and balance things by having healthy family and friends relationships and being around others who do not put you in these positions and give you the time to recover from such episodes.

[flitzanu]

i jsut wanted to add, @BMI03 i appreciate you openly taking all the criticism and not being defensive about it.  

it seems clear you know there's an issue, and as the others have pointed out this isn't going to be something that YOU can "fix" and i'm assuming that if this topic is brought up it will be a case of her not "having a problem" and refusing to admit that she was wrong. 

[BMI03]

On 10/8/2025 at 6:17 PM, basil67 said:

You might have done this in highschool when you were young and dumb, but kindly I hope that you wouldn't do this now.   Being a good man isn't about getting into fights to back up a knucklehead mate - it's about dragging him away from the trouble he creates.  And also calling out apologies as you're departing so that nobody gets hurt.  

With regards to your wife, if she's worst when she's drinking, then changing your joint lifestyle is step one.   Further, she could do with therapy, partially to deal with her past and with a fiew to anger management. 

Ya, actually that’s a great point, thank you. And testing that hypothetical through my current lens, that’s accurate. I would not do that today. That helps. I was a bit conflicted as to why I would do that mindless stand up for friends but not willing to do so for my wife. That answers that…I was a young young man then. That helps me reconcile that. Thank you.

[BMI03]

On 10/8/2025 at 6:59 PM, ShyViolet said:

Ok well my question is, does she truly acknowledge that there's a problem?  And what is she doing to work on this and change her behavior?

As of now, she’s done her first visit with a psychologist, so hopefully that’s a step in the right direction.

[BMI03]

On 10/8/2025 at 7:14 PM, Sanch62 said:

Your wife is abusive and void of self-control. That's the most dangerous combo for anyone within range of her, especially for you. Attempting to 'support' this does her no favors; it's enabling, and it's the opposite of helpful to her.

Whether this kind of episode has happened once or repeatedly, forget 'red flag,' it's your giant neon sign that wife needs psychiatric help. If she refuses to allow you to help her get it, a reasonable course would be to leave and make returning conditional on a psychiatric evaluation and a treatment plan that she upholds.

A physician, of all people, has seen how quickly people's lives can be taken or irrevocably harmed on the turn of a second, whether it be from road rage or any other form of rage. She is positioned to make a victim out of one of her vulnerable patients or anyone else unfortunate enough to be near her next episode.

You can rationalize this with all the word salad you wish; it won't change the reality, and I'm very sorry. I'd give it to her straight and let the chips fall.

Thanks for the share. Much appreciated. 

she’s gone to her first psychologist session so that’s looking to be something she’s going to take on. I’m happy she’s taken that step. 

You know it’s interesting…I’ve seen her fight with strangers, friends, family, me, colleagues and bosses, but not once, her patients. She shares the stories and in her profession if anything she’d be considered trouble because she pushes her senior people around on behalf of patients needs. It’s odd really and I never thought about it before but hmm, interesting. Not sure what that means but interesting observation. 

And not meaning to ‘word salad’ but certainly trying to rationalize, yes. Everything is cause-and-effect at some level, and that’s where I start in trying to understand the sequence of events and life experiences that lead people to where they are. It’s human behavioral sciences and searching for the rationalization is what I feel makes us all more empathetic humans. 

Thanks

[BMI03]

On 10/8/2025 at 7:21 PM, glows said:

Well everyone has their issues but if you so strongly feel this one alcohol induced rage filled incident is mostly a one off then that’s your call bc as you say the other 99% of times you’re together it’s going great. I don’t know why this bothers you so much then or why you feel you have to “investigate” further or figure out in therapy on your own how to support her. She is who she is and you’re who you are so why are you so insecure about it? She’s probably agitated and irritated by your need to over analyze everything whereas things don’t require that kind of analysis. I’d daresay she’s just pissed that you just lack confidence in general. You don’t agree with her? So what? You don’t agree. It doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a marriage but she does need to respect that you simply disagree with her reactions and opinions at times. 

Regarding the school analogy and the rude friend you’re not a bunch of kids anymore. You’re expected to grow up and act with more maturity and recognition that your actions and behaviours have consequences. You disagree with her and if you want to stay together respecting those differences are going to be key

I think you nailed it with the over-analysis. That is part of my package in being a more logical / analytical mind set vs emotional or more balanced. I often wonder if I’m a small bit autistic in that manner….sets out of order sit with me like an itch on the back needing resolution. I can’t stand the lack of symmetry in the Olympic 2nd-1st-3rd podium though I get it. Things like that. So when we have issues, I dive deeper that what I image is desirable fkr 99% who are willing to just let it lay and move on.

It’s also why I have trouble sweeping her comments away and I have to work on not building resentment over it. I don’t want that. I find my style is that I will put up with a lot, but once the feeling is gone, it’s gone  no tears, no closure, no nostalgia. Over. I wouldn’t like it to get there in my heart.

 

[BMI03]

On 10/8/2025 at 9:01 PM, Els said:

Yeah wow she was WAY out of line, and if she makes a habit of behaving like that, I would be having serious doubts about the relationship if I were you. 

That being said, in response to your general question (in the thread title), IMO there's a middle ground. So for instance if I was in that situation with my husband and I felt like staff was specifically or inappropriately targeting us (which has happened before), I would politely point out that there were plenty of other people that weren't being asked to move. And even if my husband thinks I shouldn't do that, I'd appreciate him minding his own business and letting me choose my own battles. I wouldn't shout or scream, obviously, but I would voice my opinion and probably file a complaint.

Again, obviously the caveat for this is that the person should be capable of holding a conversation like an adult, and not behave in a completely abusive and maniacal fashion. So in your wife's case, it doesn't apply, but in general I do think that not EVERYTHING that one disagrees with needs to be acted upon.

 

Thanks for the input. I agree with your approach to things. In this case she was flying off the handle way too much to be pulled in effectively, but your ideal state is right on. 
 

Thanks!

[BMI03]

On 10/8/2025 at 9:03 PM, ShyViolet said:

You're making a lot of excuses for her.

I'm sorry that she has a traumatic past, I really am, but that doesn't justify the current behavior.  They are two separate things.

Sorry I may have answered this one already but on a slow phone and not sure at the moment. 

Wasn’t meaning to excuse her actions, just meaning to explain why I’m not at a point of being willing to leave her because of them. 

Related, but a small but important (to me) nuance.  

[BMI03]

On 10/8/2025 at 9:48 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Doesn't matter her background. We don't get to use excuses when we're married. She has to get help for her anger and alcoholism and her self-destructive rage. 

PERIOD!

You're afraid of her. That's no marriage. You don't trust her. It's like she's a misbehaving child. 

The longer you've stayed with her, the more your expectations have been ruined, destroyed--you have zero expectation for her. Police? Drunken shouting at the end of a concert when people are supposed to leave?

No, she's not the problem. Your toleration of her chaos is the problem. YOU are the one who needs to get to a psychologist in order to get yourself out of this relationship. Not figure out anything. Just to get out!

You’re tied to a bank robber and trying to get the bank robber to therapy. No, the question is how to get you away from the bank robber! 

 

Thanks for this perspective. I appreciate it. 

I agree with you, at lease in my being part of it. I just found a psychologist for myself as well. I think there are things about myself…the over analysis, emotionless thinking, fear of her as you put it (which is right in a way if I reflect on elements of it). I need to explore that part of it for me.

She’s also just done her first session which was a big step for her. We’ll see how that proceeds. 

The hard thing to figure out is how we got here. I mean, I can see the psychology of it, but when I met her, I didn’t see this. Sure, I saw some firey Latina moments, but not this. After our son was born, about three months later, was the start of a rougher period for about a year and a half. It was eggshells at times. But it tapered off. She softened a bit, and things got smoother. At this point, it’s fewer and further between, but still a sometimes thing. No more eggshells as not that prevalent, but as this last weekend showed, not completely gone either.

I’m hopeful that now that she is seeing a psychologist, I will see her start to truly deal with some of her past and make progress.

Thank you again. I’m hear to take in opinions so I appreciate the honesty.

[BMI03]

On 10/9/2025 at 1:32 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

If this woman doesn't actually acknowledge there is a big problem with her behaviour, then all the efforrts by you to understand and support her mean jack squat. 

 

She acknowledges the behavior issue, yes. But there is still a conflict in my mind with the way she prioritizes pointing out her view of unjust actions over desired outcomes (talking aside from this particular insistent which was activated by alcohol). That’s her core belief and I don’t think that will ever change. Maybe it shouldn’t, but in my opinion it’s not an ideal way to live and likely an abnormal reaction to lived experiences

[BMI03]

On 10/9/2025 at 5:40 AM, Scarlett321 said:

That sounds really tough, you handled it with a lot of patience. You weren’t wrong for staying calm; not joining the chaos isn’t disloyalty. Alcohol can make people say hurtful things, but it’s okay to set boundaries and let her know how deeply that affected you once things cool down.

Thanks for this. 

ya, after things cooled we talked and it was difficult. Talked again yesterday and she’s more aligned to the idea that I can’t be what I can’t be and if I don’t agree I don’t agree. She doesn’t want that to change in me, but something still has to change in her reactions. I don’t mind her having a different sequence of priorities, but I don’t want them to bring such drama. 

[BMI03]

On 10/9/2025 at 11:44 AM, glows said:

You’re both very different. She just needs to understand that her actions and reactions affect the people around her and learn to react proportionately to the situation not flip out like a total maniac bc she’s asked to move by professionals doing their job. Controlling the alcohol intake is a start and embarrassing for her to think she’s above everyone else just because she has childhood trauma and is a doctor. Please. That’s plain arrogance and lack of respect for others in the first place drinking herself silly like she’s a teenager allowed to sleep over at besties for the first time with no parents around. 

I can appreciate you love her and built a life with her so your lenses are all kinds of colours and special fondness. It doesn’t negate the fact that she’s a shitty human who doesn’t mitigate risk factors(alcohol) that exacerbate the problem(her spiralling mental health). 

I hope you continue to take care of yourself without getting lost in this person’s issues in all the analysis. It helps to take a breather and balance things by having healthy family and friends relationships and being around others who do not put you in these positions and give you the time to recover from such episodes.

Thanks for this. I’m hopeful that we are taking the first step in the right direction with individual psychologists, which will progress into seeing one together once timing is right having worked on ourselves. 

Thanks. 

[BMI03]

On 10/9/2025 at 2:50 PM, flitzanu said:

i jsut wanted to add, @BMI03 i appreciate you openly taking all the criticism and not being defensive about it.  

it seems clear you know there's an issue, and as the others have pointed out this isn't going to be something that YOU can "fix" and i'm assuming that if this topic is brought up it will be a case of her not "having a problem" and refusing to admit that she was wrong. 

Thanks. I appreciate that observation. I’m here to learn based on other’s experiences. I’m asking for the input so no value in shooting it down. If any I’ve answered with further explanation that has sounded defensive, not meant to…only sharing more to hopefully set things up for more accurate reaction from people to secure more solid advice. Everyone has been great to contribute and it all helps give fresh reflection. Sometimes it’s hard to see things objectively from the inside of something.

Hopefully the psychology work will help. We’ll see.

Thanks again!

[MsJayne]

On 10/8/2025 at 3:15 PM, BMI03 said:

She was screaming they were not respectful, and accusing of racism

Sounds like your wife may not understand what racism is, and she clearly has an issue with respecting other people, so, apart from being socially ignorant, she's also a hypocrite. They should have responded by telling her that they don't have a problem with skin colour, but they do have a problem with as**oles. There are far more honorable hills to die on than this one, being asked to vacate seats after an event is over is perfectly normal, so she's just a low-class clown for making anything of it. As for expecting you to back her up when she behaves like a spoiled child, you need to tell her to grow the F up and give her the lowdown that the world doesn't evolve around her.  Her childhood background is no excuse for her behaviour, plenty of people have rough childhoods but they don't use it as an excuse for being an embarrassing pig. 

[ExpatInItaly]

This isn't about being a "fiery Latina", though I see that trope thrown around a lot by men trying to justify their wives' crappy behaviour. It's also an archaic stereotype. 

She lacks respect for other people and is incredibly rude and selfish about it. She obviously knows perfectly well how to control it if she doesn't treat her patients the same way. Of course she doesn't, because she knows that would cost her her career. She is choosing to be a complete jerk to others around her. It's not about pointing out what is "just", either. It's about her wanting to be right at all costs and having some serious anger and attitude issues. 

 

[Sanch62]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This isn't about being a "fiery Latina"...

Right. That says it's okay to lose your mind and attack others if you brand it with a certain culture or race. So when others don't cater to the behavior, you can hold up the brand and say it 'must' be because of culture or race.

Yeah, that's a 'No'. A big fiery NO.

Edited October 11 by Sanch62

[introverted1]

On 10/8/2025 at 1:15 AM, BMI03 said:

She shifted from arguing to taunting tones like a sarcastic motherly “Oh, poor baby, are you sensitive?” to address several elements of my character and upbringing… “Oh, you are so logical and always thinking about the ‘right’ thing.”, “Oh your small town upbringing that everyone is a good person.”, “Oh, you’re sensitive?”, interrupting me with another mocking each time I tried to talk. She was mocking and taunting me about characteristics of me

This is the epitome of contempt. Suggest you read up on the correlation between contempt and divorce.  The Gottmans have written quite a bit about it.  

[BreakOnThrough]

I would have left her there, if she followed, great, if not, great too.