should i try a love spell or let it go (lol)

[girlfigurelol]

title is, for the most part, a joke. but i thought it did a good job at expressing the intensity of my feelings. to make a very long story short, i had a virtual something (situationship) for several years. it was always pretty rocky, kind of on and off, and it was never explicitly established to be anything but platonic but a lot of lines were crossed.

of course, for me, being inexperienced, probably susceptible to a guy like him (who did not always treat me well), it meant something, which i dont think it did for him. or at least not to the extent it did for me. as you can probably see coming, things ended, we dont speak anymore. i cant say im devastated over it, especially because my life has been so busy, lots of changes; however, when it gets quiet and calm, i find myself struggling with it. crashing out as the kids these days like to say.

i dont know how to move past it. ive tried dating apps and have spoken to a couple guys who ive all just told, at the end, i cant because im preoccupied with some other guy. its absurd, i know, i dont know the kind of hold he has over me or how to get out of it. someone tell me straight up, maybe all i need is some tough love. ;(

[Carlston]

If you're gonna try a love spell do it right and make sure to use enough frog.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, girlfigurelol said:

for me, being inexperienced, probably susceptible to a guy like him (who did not always treat me well)

I would explore this a bit more, to figure out your attachment to this person. 

You say you are inexperienced. Do you mean you haven't dated much? How did you meet this man? 

And in which ways did he not treat you well? 

[Gaeta]

If people don't wannt to be in your life then let them go. Just keep on dating untill you come across a man that will  sweep you off of your feet.

What your brain is doing is normal, it does that to everybody. The brain goes to the path of least resistance straight to who made you feel special previously. It does not mean you should be together.

Why would you want to be with a man who did not always treat you well. Don't do that to yourself.

Edited October 7 by Gaeta

[flitzanu]

based on the way this is worded, you never actually met in person?

if you never met, that's not a situationship, that's just being a fantasy penpal.

[MsJayne]

13 hours ago, girlfigurelol said:

someone tell me straight up, maybe all i need is some tough love

OK, here goes. You have very low self esteem, and so someone rejecting you hits you very hard, you may be unable to move past this person because you don't want to let go of the belief that they cared for you and there was something there. You need to accept that this person was/is toxic, stop pretending they're a decent person underneath the manipulative, exploitative low-life, because they're not, they're just garden variety toxic. I base this statement on you saying "lines were crossed", ( I interpret this as you saying you shared intimate moments with this person online - please correct me if this is a wrong assumption). While you maintain this unfounded belief that there was something more to this relationship you won't see how attractive other people are, you're wasting your potential for a proper relationship because you're too busy mooning about over a toad. Something to remember for future reference is that "virtual" interactions are not real, platonic friendships are not romances, and there is no substitute for in-person relationships. Perhaps talking to a counsellor might help you process this stuff and make it possible for you to move forward and assign zero value to this person. 

[Alpacalia]

Agree with @MsJayne. If your self-esteem was in tact it wouldn't sting as hard.

This guy is not special. He’s not magical. He’s not holding you in some spell. What’s happening is that your brain got wired to associate him with intensity, attention, and maybe even a little chaos—and that cocktail can feel addictive. But addictive doesn’t mean good. If your self-esteem were solid, you’d see his treatment of you for what it was: inconsistent, self-serving, and not worthy of the energy you’re still giving it.

Just haven't found that next guy that makes you roll your eyes in a good way.

Edited Tuesday at 10:50 PM by Alpacalia

[glows]

Well what happened? You guys were chatting and flirting and then? Why aren’t you speaking anymore and what did he do where you felt mistreated? 

If he doesn’t ask you out or isn’t desperate to spend time with you in person he’s not interested in dating. Now you know. It’s that 20/20 hindsight thing. Don’t even worry about this. You’re probably trying so hard to forget some dude that’s easily forgettable and ironically caving your head in. Just embrace life and all your hobbies and do lots of self care. Forget the dumb dating apps. Do you realize how shallow those are. By self care I mean quality time with yourself and your loved ones. Book a massage. Go for a movie. Get an ice cream with a friend. Video call an old friend. If you play an instrument find new music. If you like cooking join a cooking class or research something. I’m currently into aquascapes and designing fish tanks. Who cares what it is. Do whatever your heart desires but don’t bring nonsense people into it who just drain your time and take away from living life fully.

[Sanch62]

Nobody who is real can live up to a fantasy crush you've created 'around' someone else in your own mind. Fantasies are potent, but everyone who has formed one, about a celebrity for example, eventually learns how to break that down If they want to focus on building a more satisfying life for themselves in the real world. It's good that you recognize a need to do this for yourself.

Identify the ways this guy was not kind to you, and examine what you find attractive about that. If you're in school, consider speaking with a counselor who is trained to help you work through this.

[smackie9]

As the song goes "you can't always get what you want....." And that's part of being a mature adult...you accept the situation and end it. Save your money and go on a nice vacation, explore a new country/culture.